August, 14, 2015

I'm a bit overwhelmed I'm trying to finish my doctorate and it looks like I'll be going into a credentialing program.  I'm really praying about it because the cost for both is phenomenal so I have choices.  It's where I am I need to stay away from playing the blame game and focus on what God has before me.  He's the one that opened the door I believe he's the one that will pave the way for me.  My youngest daughter is back in town. She doesn't think I know it but that's okay I'm so busy right now there's no way I can give wasted emotions on the choices she has made.  She belongs to God too, she's his daughter I pray for her all the time I know He has a plan and I trust Him.

Onward and upward, lesson plans, a new school, teaching middle school age kids.

August 10, 2015

I just read my blog from July 25th about being faithful in the small things and just begin to enjoy the process.  It was about two weeks later a friend recommended me for a job and in a blink of an eye I was smack dab in the middle of my destiny.  God can move in a twinkle of an eye and change everything.  I plan on watching how He plans on unfolding the whole thing in front of me.  If He started it it is his responsibility to make it work and that really makes me happy!!!!

August 10, 2015

So I start my common core training tomorrow I'm really excited and yet it pales in comparison to what is going on around me.  I have two friends are lives are upside down.

The first one's life is upside down because things seem to be falling apart around her.  Everything that once worked is no longer working.  Her marriage is no more, and no matter how hard she tries to keep pressing on she seems to get pushed down at every turn.  I'm not always sure what to say so I listen and offer support.  She lives across the country so my support is verbal over the phone.  Sometimes you just feel inadequate for the problems those you care for go through.

Another friend just lost her husband, he committed suicide. I watch her in her pain, it's so deep, she is shattered to pieces.  I know God will put her together over time but its so hard for her to just breathe.  I have no words so I just hold her and we cry.  There is nothing more important than the privacy and confidence of a friend.  I just hold her.  She's so amazing, people come by to offer their condolences and she comforts them.  She asks about their lives and how they are doing, then she offers support and encouragement.  She blows me away.  God has something so wonderful for her, she is a spiritual giant wrapped in humility.

God continues to show me other women who are amazing, each one is different and yet each one is truly amazing in her own calling.  I am blessed to know the women that I know, they have incredible strength of character and integrity.  They are all daughters of the King and each one is individual and exquisite.

Everyday I learn something from them and their pain.  They carry it with beauty when their eyes tear up from the weight of the burdens they carry.  Sometimes the weight shows in their faces and yet still their depth is so visible.  I am amazed at the way God created women and how multifaceted we are.

August 5, 2015

Everything has changed in my life, I'm a teacher now and very happy about being back in the classroom with kids.  It was a very quick process, I was told to apply, I did, I immediately interviewed and I was hired.  Wow!!  Then immediately following I was notified by our local college that my application to teach has been approved and they would be contacting me, hmmm.  All of it really fast.

Its time for me to let go of everything that has been in the past and begin again.  But......even though that sounds like perfection (and I fully believe my job is, as well as all the new friends, they are way cool) there are things in my life that I still have to work at letting go.  Mostly, because I don't understand how some people can be so superficial, so manipulative and coercive and walk around like they are so pure and genuine.  I wonder why they are allowed to live on the planet.  But I do know that God talks about the wheat and the chaff and letting them grow together until the harvest so that you don't accidentally pull up wheat thinking it's chaff and destroy the good part.  I just don't know why so much chaff has found its way into my life at one time or another.  Thank God I have been able to remove the chaff from my life I just haven't been able to remove it from the planet so I don't have to ever see it again lol.  It just isn't possible to make chaff into wheat, you can try, and try again, but its chaff ughhh.

Madea has the best soliloquie on knowing the difference between a leaf and a branch and then finally roots.  I find once you have been used and abused by a person long enough they make you callous and then its easy to walk away.  The last person that did this was actually worse than all the others.  It was so intentional, so manipulative and overt.  Of course he was allowed in at the weakest time in my life and of course he took advantage of it repeatedly.  I guess I should be thankful because he taught me everything about what I don't want in a man.  I never knew they could be made like that and at the same time claim to be something completely opposite.  At least with a drug addict, he's a drug addict there's no pretending, it is what it is.  But when someone pretends to be genuine and slithers up alongside of you in costume, lying and manipulating you intentionally, that's a whole other animal.

I do really well not hearing from him.  I'll go weeks and not think about him at all, and then some tragedy happened and of course he wanted the details so he called me pretending to care, whatever.  And honestly, all I could say was thanks for calling.  He could have not cared less about the event, he just wanted the details and he thought he would get them from me ughhh.  No.  Then I think about him, get sick to my stomach, regret ever knowing the person.  All I really wanted to say on the phone was, "Are you seriously still on the planet?"  "Why?"  and "Why are you calling me, I don't even recognize your voice on the phone?"  and finally "Oh geeez it's you".   Like suddenly I'm going to confide in you every detail so you can run to someone else and tell them everything appearing to be all knowing.  What an idiot!

So there lies my dilemma.  Now is my dilemma that I'm not able to not be negatively affected by this individual? Or is my dilemma that he is still breathing.  I vote its because he's still breathing lol.  But really I would like to forget I ever met this person.  I explained to him that I am dead to him so when another tragedy takes place remember that and realize that you can't call dead people, okay?  All this wisdom from a doctoral candidate.........it sounds like a 15 year old.  Sometimes there are people in this world that we will come across and they simply will not be able to bring out the best in us, they will actually bring out the worst.  There are those people that should not be in our lives, they are toxic to us and therefore we need to remove ourselves from relationship with them.  They bring us down, they depress us, they confuse us, and they cause us to second guess ourselves.  They are simply using us to make themselves feel better about themselves because really they are insecure about themselves and feel inadequate.  So they can only validate themselves by putting you down or using you to get what they need.

I talk to God about it I've prayed that I would forget and much of the time I do.  I don't want to allow myself to be affected by someone I know longer regard.  A couple of days and I'll forget again.  

July 25, 2015

Within two weeks time I have discussed jobs with two different entities.  I had a friend tell me one time to look for jobs in unlikely places.  She said to apply all over, so I did.  Its a different world now, I'm negotiating salaries and that's just a little weird to me but, it's all good.  My dissertation continues on, I've sent back the revisions from the committee member to my chair, if anything should change it'll be minor.  Meanwhile I'm putting together my checklist and waiting.

Group meetings are going well I just love all of them but I have a vision for bigger meetings and expanded group activities etc.  If it's one thing I want the women to learn is the joy of the Lord and his desire to be involved in their lives.

The funniest thing happened to me, I was watching TBN and everyday at 11:30 this guy (preacher) came on and I've never paid attention to this guy he's a tall gentleman, medium build, blond and fair features, all the things I'm not particularly interested in paying attention to. But there was nothing left to listen to and I was waiting to leave so I just listened.  I expected him to go blah blah blah I'm a boring preacher I ramble on .....................  But then he said something, he asked if we wanted to when God would tell us our destiny, he said I bet you wish He would just tell you so you could just go in that direction.  And then finally, I can tell you when He will tell you what your destiny is....  Then there was a pause.  He said it'll be when you are in the middle of it and He'll confirm it for you.  But you'll already be there, doing it, living it and then yes this is your destiny.  Here I was waiting for the moment when someone was going to tell me when God would let me know what my destiny was and plop!!  Finally the best advice I've ever heard, He said be faithful in the gifting that God has given you no matter how small it is.  Just keep being faithful and use your gift even when your tired of it and don't see a light at the end.  Joseph in the Bible never really knew how he would get to where he was going.  He had a vision of his brothers bowing down but that's all he had.  He had no idea that any of the future events were all part of the step by step process God was leading him through to get to the Pharaoh and be his right hand man in charge of everything.  But when you're thrown into a pit to die, accused of rape and thrown in prison and forgotten I think it would be very easy to become bitter and begin to think that he would just die there.  And really, we don't know if he didn't have moments of depression and hopelessness.  But when the Baker and the Taster asked Joseph to interpret their dreams he did it.  He used his gifts, for a moment he didn't allow his pain to shut him down and become bitter.  Instead, he gave them their interpretations.  That moment was his defining moment.  In that moment he made a decision to just use his gift and meet another person's need.  Most people think the defining moment for Joseph was when he interpreted Pharoah's dreams but it wasn't.  He had to be faithful in that small defining moment in prison before he was allowed to go before the Pharoah.  Actually that small defining moment was what brought him before Pharoah.  That's important and actually that is key.  You really don't know which small moment in your time will be the defining moment that unlocks the door to your destiny.  But it will be small and it will require you looking beyond yourself and being obedient to God's leading.

When the light bulb came on I finally realized that it didn't matter how small or large the group was I needed to be faithful in what God has called me to do no matter what and no matter how small.  The Word says to not despise small beginnings........now I really understand why.  I don't know which small moment of obedience will be my defining moment but I do know it will be within my faithfulness using the gifts he's given me in a small and seemingly unimportant way.  That one small moment will be the key that will unlock the door to the next level of God's destiny and that is very exciting to me!

July 17, 2015

Another day.  I didn't mention my middle daughter Emily is pregnant, 7 months to be exact.  Her life is finally calming down and I think it's too much for her.  The art of living a calm peaceful life takes focus.  It takes working towards that peace everyday and when your life has finally achieved a level of calm you may find yourself feeling a bit bored with no challenge, nothing to worry about, no make up sex.  And in that calmness there is no adrenaline rush, no dopamine to the brain, so whats next.  Well, maybe the business of building a life spending time with your kids, possibly working on the house or apartment to make things better than just calm, but creating a nice comfy living space and lifestyle.  Believe it or not, it takes time and focus to climb the ladder of doing better step by step, overcoming obstacles, achieving excellence, and learning what taking a vacation is.  My daughter would call it a life of boredom, or mediocrity.  Isn't it funny how hard you have to climb to get out of the drama, the struggle, the bar hopping, the frustration, and the inability to pay the bills all the way to a mediocre life style.  It's really not mediocre, its called peaceful, stable, freedom from a traumatic lifestyle.  And finally, you have room to breathe and then room to grow, as a person, family, and parent.  Two of my daughters have achieved this place in their lives, one is now working on her bachelors and the other is putting together her children's rooms, preparing for a child.  Finally.

Years ago I heard Kenneth Copeland, an evangelist, say to his audience while he pointed his finger at them...."if it wasn't for your grandmothers who took the time to sit in their rockers and pray for you, you wouldn't be here today".  I believe that.  I believe as mothers and grandmothers it is our job to pray our families into the kingdom of God and into lives of prosperity, health, and peace.

July 16, 2015,

My life is changing.......a lot and I like it.  I love the group of women I have the privilege of working with and I like my kids.  I love working on my dissertation, especially since it will now be going into the approval stage and data collection yaaaaaaaay!!!!  God is really good!!

God is bringing peace into my life.

Now for a story:

Okay, so my granddaughter's dog had puppies mainly because my daughter doesn't know how to complete tasks on a timely basis.  So her dog got pregnant, had five puppies, one died (very sad) and four have taken over the entire property.....and I think neighborhood.  Anyway, so we have these dogs, there are five altogether with the mother whom has now been fixed after the fact, not quite sure how that helps with the other dogs but ok.  So they are chiwawa mixed with God only knows what.  Oh and God only knows how many different mixes because I think one is a dachshund/chiwawa weird little dude.  Anyway there is this one dog and he is brown and white with abnormally long legs and he stays pretty thin. He crawls up and over the fence, he can jump as high as my shoulders, so I named him Jackalope.  I always called him the Jackalope dog.  So...he made a hole in the fenced with his nose, oh by the way it was chain link so how he did this was just bizarre, but he did.  Then I got a rope and I laced it all through, so he chewed it up.  Then in the middle of the night I put a huge rock in the hole just because he would go through and then all the others would follow.  He took his paws and pushed it through....repeatedly.

 So now to the story since you have all the background.
Last night I was asleep then around 3:00 a.m. I hear noises all around my house.  I hear walking on the side of my home, I hear footsteps in the front.  But what I don't hear are the dogs, usually they bark all night especially if Jackalope crawled over the fence...mostly because they are jealous.  So....I continue to hear steps and then I hear what I believe are voices so I call the police just to have them drive by the house just to do a property check, no big deal.  I turn on my porch light and I look around but I stayed in the house,I saw nothing.  Finally, the police drove by, everything's  quiet and then one of the dogs begin to bark and I realize he's barking out front.  I go outside, all the dogs are everywhere outside they have hauled trash from the neighbors to my front yard and are basically having a party.  I go back inside to get a robe on and I hear them barking and barking, they are chasing weirdos on their bikes down the street with the people yelling at them.  Great 3:00 a.m. entertainment......not!!  I get the dogs in the house I put them out back and I shove a rock in the hole because at 3:00 a.m. there are no stores selling fencing or anything else.  I laid down to hear the huge rock hit the ground and the dogs go running....I give up!!!! I hate the dogs I'm going to sleep.

In the morning my mother pulls up to see the dogs across the street inside my neighbors gated yard just relaxing and enjoying themselves.  Assholes!!!  They come running when they see her and we again put them in the backyard. By now my front yard looks like the dump.  My last resort other than building a 6 foot high brick wall, was chicken wire fence that was recommended.  We put it up against the fence and attached it.

 So far they are in and I just might get some sleep tonight!!!!  Oh and I'm more than positive that the police think I'm a nut...to say the least.