August 5, 2015

Everything has changed in my life, I'm a teacher now and very happy about being back in the classroom with kids.  It was a very quick process, I was told to apply, I did, I immediately interviewed and I was hired.  Wow!!  Then immediately following I was notified by our local college that my application to teach has been approved and they would be contacting me, hmmm.  All of it really fast.

Its time for me to let go of everything that has been in the past and begin again.  But......even though that sounds like perfection (and I fully believe my job is, as well as all the new friends, they are way cool) there are things in my life that I still have to work at letting go.  Mostly, because I don't understand how some people can be so superficial, so manipulative and coercive and walk around like they are so pure and genuine.  I wonder why they are allowed to live on the planet.  But I do know that God talks about the wheat and the chaff and letting them grow together until the harvest so that you don't accidentally pull up wheat thinking it's chaff and destroy the good part.  I just don't know why so much chaff has found its way into my life at one time or another.  Thank God I have been able to remove the chaff from my life I just haven't been able to remove it from the planet so I don't have to ever see it again lol.  It just isn't possible to make chaff into wheat, you can try, and try again, but its chaff ughhh.

Madea has the best soliloquie on knowing the difference between a leaf and a branch and then finally roots.  I find once you have been used and abused by a person long enough they make you callous and then its easy to walk away.  The last person that did this was actually worse than all the others.  It was so intentional, so manipulative and overt.  Of course he was allowed in at the weakest time in my life and of course he took advantage of it repeatedly.  I guess I should be thankful because he taught me everything about what I don't want in a man.  I never knew they could be made like that and at the same time claim to be something completely opposite.  At least with a drug addict, he's a drug addict there's no pretending, it is what it is.  But when someone pretends to be genuine and slithers up alongside of you in costume, lying and manipulating you intentionally, that's a whole other animal.

I do really well not hearing from him.  I'll go weeks and not think about him at all, and then some tragedy happened and of course he wanted the details so he called me pretending to care, whatever.  And honestly, all I could say was thanks for calling.  He could have not cared less about the event, he just wanted the details and he thought he would get them from me ughhh.  No.  Then I think about him, get sick to my stomach, regret ever knowing the person.  All I really wanted to say on the phone was, "Are you seriously still on the planet?"  "Why?"  and "Why are you calling me, I don't even recognize your voice on the phone?"  and finally "Oh geeez it's you".   Like suddenly I'm going to confide in you every detail so you can run to someone else and tell them everything appearing to be all knowing.  What an idiot!

So there lies my dilemma.  Now is my dilemma that I'm not able to not be negatively affected by this individual? Or is my dilemma that he is still breathing.  I vote its because he's still breathing lol.  But really I would like to forget I ever met this person.  I explained to him that I am dead to him so when another tragedy takes place remember that and realize that you can't call dead people, okay?  All this wisdom from a doctoral candidate.........it sounds like a 15 year old.  Sometimes there are people in this world that we will come across and they simply will not be able to bring out the best in us, they will actually bring out the worst.  There are those people that should not be in our lives, they are toxic to us and therefore we need to remove ourselves from relationship with them.  They bring us down, they depress us, they confuse us, and they cause us to second guess ourselves.  They are simply using us to make themselves feel better about themselves because really they are insecure about themselves and feel inadequate.  So they can only validate themselves by putting you down or using you to get what they need.

I talk to God about it I've prayed that I would forget and much of the time I do.  I don't want to allow myself to be affected by someone I know longer regard.  A couple of days and I'll forget again.