February 4, 2013

We're in the month of February the start of a whole new year.  You notice I'm commenting on this a whole month late.  That's how I am, slow.  I'm so lost in the talking to others and working on school and working and working and trying to figure things out, which by the way does not work.  Trying to stay calm when I can't and that really doesn't work.  Have you ever counseled or just listened to people so much that you start to wonder which one of you has the problems, who is screwed up more,  them for the problems, or you for listening, are they talking or is that really you?

 I remember one time I had a boyfriend (a loser, and you will agree in a moment) he decided on Valentine's Day to bring a joint to me.  In my thirties, never smoked a joint, been in church all my life and for whatever reasons he feels I'll smoke a joint.  Well (a loser yes, not so stupid).  I had a couple of glasses of wine and thought hmmmm one puff why not.  Well not knowing anything about drugs or lacing weed or anything like that I took a puff, a big one (stupid).  And suddenly I didn't want to sit at the table I felt anxious and not so good, I went to my bed and actually had to keep one foot on the floor while the ceiling spun around.  I threw it in the tiolet and he proceeded to yell....jerk. 

Well the room spinning around, that's how I feel sometimes without anything being laced, except life, there's a definite possibility that's laced with insanity. Sometimes I just need for everyone to be quiet and preferrably to go away.  My grandmother knew, I lived with them growing up, we lived on the river during my adolescent years, it was quiet, beautiful, just me and my grandparents.  I played classical piano, wrote poetry, don't really remember ever doing any homework, do remember getting A's but not quite sure why and sitting on the dock.  All the peace and quiet you could handle and she never allowed anyone to bother me.  Now, I had all the freedom I could ever want and I used it but I had complete privacy and quiet, it was such a luxury. 

Now the property is sold and if I want quiet and the river I have a little drive, not much just a little and my house is overfilled with people.  They need to be here, I don't.  I didn't appreciate how well my grandmother knew me until I got older and needed the solace so much I knew I was going to go insane if I didn't have it.