July 6, 2015

I don't understand how it's possible to get so angry while looking at a situation as though it is completely hopeless, you're a complete loser and you just want to crawl in a hole and die, to its okay, I can do this everything is at peace.  Now mind you nothing has really happened no one told me I couldn't do it, or do whatever I wanted I just believed I couldn't.

Earlier today I got a lovely newsletter from my old church.  There was an unsavory situation and let's just say that the real character of a few people came out.  Of course the interim preacher they called to pastor the church for a while left a trail of damage, but why should he care what he did he's gone, never to return.  I saw something that was truly intended for viewing and honestly it didn't bother me except that I knew it was meant for my viewing.  I have no desire to ever play the piano there again, I don't miss it, I can play anywhere else I'd like to its not a problem.  I think it was just the attitude that two men took in their own hate and conceit  to publicize their attitudes for all to see.  It was creepy but I guess true colors come out in the end.  Sad part was I never did anything to either one of them except I saw them for who they are.  I didn't react to it, I didn't care but I saw it.  So now like a couple of snakes they slither around with grimacing looks on their faces spewing venom.  So bizarre, be careful little ones what you see......I don't know why I've always been targeted that way.  Men like that have always made themselves known to women like me.  I don't know why, except they don't like strong women so they set their sights on them.  The pastor came into the church and one of the first sentences out of his mouth was "that woman is a controlling witch".  Now he wasn't talking about me, I wished he would have, but the person he was talking about never spoke to him, never talked about him, she never did anything.  He just couldn't stand her.  His wife would occasionally come to church, she looked like a whipped dog.  When he asked me to kiss him on the cheek in his office the one thing I regret is not decking him.  I should have hit him in the face so hard he fell to his knees.  I can guarantee one thing if something like that ever happens again I will.  It actually happened to me once years ago, a guy slapped me on the ass, I turned around and hit him in the stomach so hard he fell to his knees.  I regret not doing it to that pastor, he so needed it.  Lesson learned.  I guess in the short haul of things evil prevails, I seen a lot of it.

So now I am finally uploading my proposal (the first three chapters of my dissertation) for review.  It's taken almost a year and 50 pages later.  Of course a whole lot of money and time invested.  It's almost like I don't know anything else.  Life is good!