September 25, 2013
I have committed to reading Proverbs every day, now I'm trying to type exactly why I'm doing this and I have typed and deleted and typed again so I'm apparently unsure as to why I'm really doing this. Although I will say it is harder than I thought and there is a lot more in there than I realized. I read the words but sometimes I really don't completely understand what it's trying to tell me. I'm praying that it will impart the wisdom I'm looking for and I will say this it is definitely imparting peace and there are some changes taking place within me that are creating resolves that I know are not fully realized but they are forming.
The Word is alive and sharper than a two edged sword. Now I know this. I know its scriptural and that I have read this in the new testament. No, I don't remember where and this is a bad habit of mine. I remember tons of scripture, just don't ask me exactly where its at. I do know that as the Word is imparted within me that I have become calmer, more resolved and I know in my spirit that I don't have to have all the answers. Now this is a far cry from when I began this journey and I've only read through Genesis and the first 6 chapters of Proverbs. Proverbs talks about the person, although it says the woman, I believe in my case a woman would not be my problem but a man of this type would, that flatters with words to get you to do something they want. They'll tell you anything you want to hear as long as you will do what they want. Honestly, for me that sounds like most men I know. It also speaks about how wisdom brings pleasantness and peace into our lives and safety as well. Our feet will not stumble we will have sweet sleep when we give our attention to wisdom. Now really, how many people can't sleep at night because they are worried to death about everything. And who in their right mind doesn't want a little peace in their lives. We all do. I can tell you that as I have begun to read daily, there has been a gradual increase of peace within my home and my head.
Did you know that in Proverbs 6 he uses perverse mouth and flattery within the same context, the same verse. Then it goes on to say that this person with the perverse mouth who uses flattery has a perverse heart as well. And I find it interesting that flattery is in a negative context the perverse person uses flattery, therefore flattery is a type of perverse communication, why? Maybe because the person's motive for using it is manipulation? Hmm. I have known quite a few people like this and I have to say they have not ended up well. Their end is usually very self destructive and lonely.
Now I won't tell you that everything in my life is perfect. My oldest is going in for more surgery, my middle daughter is still schizophrenic but I have to give her mad props she is functioning like someone who does not have the disorder. My youngest still has many things to figure out but I will continue to bring her before the Lord there are many scriptures on the seed of the righteous and God's covering over them. Well, she's my seed and I'm the righteous and He's my God.
Every mother has to take a stand for her family before the throne of Grace and realize that He's got this, He's got me and He's got them too. Amidst this my poor boss is having major health issues so I just keep praying for her.
All the while you may be wondering why I never mention any interest in men. Any relationship issues with the opposite sex. I had them. Had. I don't. The end. Don't get me wrong I love men. I love romance, I love sex and marriage I love it all. I appear to not have any time for it at the moment. And there isn't anyone that I would change my schedule for to spend time with who is currently attempting to be in my life. When he shows up I'll know and I guarantee there will be all kinds of time for him. Until then I'm busy.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
September 24, 2013;
No matter how hard you may try to influence your children apparently they have minds of their own. Influenced by various outside factors as well as those inside factors that have been implanted by experience, family and friends. These experiences may be either positive or negative and will enhance the child's life or take away from the quality of it by leaving scars that may stay for a very long time.
Watching your adult children make choices that affect their lives in both positive and negative ways is frustrating to say the least. I love the comment of theirs, "But Mom, YOU did it", yes I did and that's why I can tell you the zillion reasons why you shouldn't. I can tell you from the beginning to the end what is going to happen to you as a result of the choices you will make and how they will leave you feeling and for how long. And yet with all of that, they walk away with their noses in the air charging into the future to make those choices they weren't allowed to make before, because they were not old enough to screw up their lives without my permission.
And yet no one told me how I would begin to age, not because of the years, but because of the worry and the fret over them. One older person told me years ago, it's easy when they are young, then you should work. But when they are older, you should be home and never let them out of your sight. Oh how true. And yet I was there and I watched them and fought with them and prayed over them. So they waited until they were adults to really go for it. My oldest told me "okay Mom, I'm eighteen I can have a baby if I want to now". Mind you she wasn't married, she just wanted a baby. Makes perfect sense I suppose if you've recently suffered brain damage to the frontal lobe.
So I pray and I read and I wonder if I'm perfect will they live better lives. If I excel and do everything right and they see it's a good thing, will they follow in my footsteps? No! Who would want to I work my ass off. I do homework at night and shortly I will begin an internship while I continue working. But.........what if I made the decision to throw it all up to God and let Him do the work???
Well the Bible says in Isaiah that we will live in homes we didn't build we will have vineyards we didn't plant. It sounds as though the Lord will bring us into an inheritance that we didn't work for. So why am I working so hard.........I have no idea. Joseph Prince talks about Grace and Receiving. I think I have worked hard enough trying to show my kids how to live I believe now I would do well to turn it all over to Him and receive his Grace and Goodness and let Him show them how good He is! And by the way the Bible also says to be anxious for nothing but in everything give thanks and make your requests known to God and let the peace of God that passes all understanding keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. I will tell you that sounds good because I'm about to lose my mind and my heart hurts all the time. He is faithful it's time for me to quit worrying and remember He's their Father too, He has control of it all and He will prosper us and keep us.
No matter how hard you may try to influence your children apparently they have minds of their own. Influenced by various outside factors as well as those inside factors that have been implanted by experience, family and friends. These experiences may be either positive or negative and will enhance the child's life or take away from the quality of it by leaving scars that may stay for a very long time.
Watching your adult children make choices that affect their lives in both positive and negative ways is frustrating to say the least. I love the comment of theirs, "But Mom, YOU did it", yes I did and that's why I can tell you the zillion reasons why you shouldn't. I can tell you from the beginning to the end what is going to happen to you as a result of the choices you will make and how they will leave you feeling and for how long. And yet with all of that, they walk away with their noses in the air charging into the future to make those choices they weren't allowed to make before, because they were not old enough to screw up their lives without my permission.
And yet no one told me how I would begin to age, not because of the years, but because of the worry and the fret over them. One older person told me years ago, it's easy when they are young, then you should work. But when they are older, you should be home and never let them out of your sight. Oh how true. And yet I was there and I watched them and fought with them and prayed over them. So they waited until they were adults to really go for it. My oldest told me "okay Mom, I'm eighteen I can have a baby if I want to now". Mind you she wasn't married, she just wanted a baby. Makes perfect sense I suppose if you've recently suffered brain damage to the frontal lobe.
So I pray and I read and I wonder if I'm perfect will they live better lives. If I excel and do everything right and they see it's a good thing, will they follow in my footsteps? No! Who would want to I work my ass off. I do homework at night and shortly I will begin an internship while I continue working. But.........what if I made the decision to throw it all up to God and let Him do the work???
Well the Bible says in Isaiah that we will live in homes we didn't build we will have vineyards we didn't plant. It sounds as though the Lord will bring us into an inheritance that we didn't work for. So why am I working so hard.........I have no idea. Joseph Prince talks about Grace and Receiving. I think I have worked hard enough trying to show my kids how to live I believe now I would do well to turn it all over to Him and receive his Grace and Goodness and let Him show them how good He is! And by the way the Bible also says to be anxious for nothing but in everything give thanks and make your requests known to God and let the peace of God that passes all understanding keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. I will tell you that sounds good because I'm about to lose my mind and my heart hurts all the time. He is faithful it's time for me to quit worrying and remember He's their Father too, He has control of it all and He will prosper us and keep us.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
September 15, 2013;
I started reading Proverbs along with the old testament, it's a challenge. I'm supposed to read a chapter a night, it has 31, and do this for two years. There's a purpose behind this exercise but I'll wait on that.
Anyway the first chapter explains that Proverbs is specifically for instruction on justice, equity and discretion. Why do I care....well according to Proverbs when we seek wisdom and instruction we dwell safely, we live a quiet life free from fear. When we choose not to our fear comes upon us and destruction.
So we eat the fruit of our own ways.
Ch 2 explains that wisdom and knowledge are to be sought after and the Lord gives those things. As a result he is a shield for us, he preserves our ways. So he preserves us, he keeps us and delivers us from the evil man and their devices.
So there is a reward for seeking his wisdom and learning to operate with and in discretion.
I started reading Proverbs along with the old testament, it's a challenge. I'm supposed to read a chapter a night, it has 31, and do this for two years. There's a purpose behind this exercise but I'll wait on that.
Anyway the first chapter explains that Proverbs is specifically for instruction on justice, equity and discretion. Why do I care....well according to Proverbs when we seek wisdom and instruction we dwell safely, we live a quiet life free from fear. When we choose not to our fear comes upon us and destruction.
So we eat the fruit of our own ways.
Ch 2 explains that wisdom and knowledge are to be sought after and the Lord gives those things. As a result he is a shield for us, he preserves our ways. So he preserves us, he keeps us and delivers us from the evil man and their devices.
So there is a reward for seeking his wisdom and learning to operate with and in discretion.
September 15, 2013;
So I'm reading Genesis its great, a few things to note Jacob was shrewd and he really had it going on, although to be honest I'm not sure how peaceful life would be with two wives and concubines. And since the two wives were sisters and one couldn't get pregnant, she threw her concubine at her husband so she could have a child a little competitiveness and jealousy between them? I can't imagine being someone's concubine and then being told go sleep with my husband and have a child with him. Mind you, Rachel didn't want her maid to have feelings for him, just sleep with him. Of course Leah did the same thing, she gave him her maid to have kids with. And not once in the scriptures do I see Jacob going "No, No, I don't want to". Yea right. And yet from all of this comes the twelve tribes of Israel. Love does strange things to women, particularly to women. It's so hard sex is so physical for men, but with women, it's all about love for the most part. We want complete intimacy. You know, they have termed that the "Eve complex" instead of just accepting that there should be one person for one person, if you want monogamy you obviously have the Eve complex. Yea ok whatever.
Think about it, Jacob had multiple wives and he started the twelve tribes of Israel, David had multiple wives and he was the man after God's own heart. He had an affair with Bathsheba, got her pregnant, killed her husband and then their baby died as a result. But after........God blessed him with a son from Bathsheba named Solomon, a man of peace whom God loved. He became the richest wisest man on earth.
What would you say this means? I think it means that God knows us, he created us, he understands matters of the heart, he gets it. He knows were framed from dust, he knows our deepest desires and longings, even if it means we love the wrong person at the wrong time, he knows. So what do we do with that? I don't know. I know we give to Him, we tell him, we cry to him and we wait, just wait. Sometimes we fall, but he knows.
So I'm reading Genesis its great, a few things to note Jacob was shrewd and he really had it going on, although to be honest I'm not sure how peaceful life would be with two wives and concubines. And since the two wives were sisters and one couldn't get pregnant, she threw her concubine at her husband so she could have a child a little competitiveness and jealousy between them? I can't imagine being someone's concubine and then being told go sleep with my husband and have a child with him. Mind you, Rachel didn't want her maid to have feelings for him, just sleep with him. Of course Leah did the same thing, she gave him her maid to have kids with. And not once in the scriptures do I see Jacob going "No, No, I don't want to". Yea right. And yet from all of this comes the twelve tribes of Israel. Love does strange things to women, particularly to women. It's so hard sex is so physical for men, but with women, it's all about love for the most part. We want complete intimacy. You know, they have termed that the "Eve complex" instead of just accepting that there should be one person for one person, if you want monogamy you obviously have the Eve complex. Yea ok whatever.
Think about it, Jacob had multiple wives and he started the twelve tribes of Israel, David had multiple wives and he was the man after God's own heart. He had an affair with Bathsheba, got her pregnant, killed her husband and then their baby died as a result. But after........God blessed him with a son from Bathsheba named Solomon, a man of peace whom God loved. He became the richest wisest man on earth.
What would you say this means? I think it means that God knows us, he created us, he understands matters of the heart, he gets it. He knows were framed from dust, he knows our deepest desires and longings, even if it means we love the wrong person at the wrong time, he knows. So what do we do with that? I don't know. I know we give to Him, we tell him, we cry to him and we wait, just wait. Sometimes we fall, but he knows.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
September 10, 2013
How is it possible to be this old and still have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?
People ask me all the time "So what are you going to do with that degree?" I look at them like I'm waiting for them to tell me. I'm actually waiting for someone to tell me. I would have never imagined that I would go to school for this long come to the point of doing my dissertation and still not know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. And really I don't think you're supposed to tell people you don't know what you're going to do, like they might revoke you doctorate or something. And did you know that there are assholes everywhere? I spent most of my adult life believing that people with education were all nice. Yes, I led a very sheltered life growing up. Children were not part of adult conversations, girls did not speak at the table (I was raised by my grandparents, lol, I'm not that old) and my grandfolks slept in separate beds across the room from each other. When I first got married I was asked if I had consummated my marriage. I had no idea what she meant by that, quite possibly a food we ate or something? I really didn't know.
Needless to say I learned as I got older and became more educated that there are assholes everywhere in every walk of life. I just didn't think they would confer them with degrees but I guess so.
So lacking direction in my life I decided to take some serious advice and start reading a chapter in Proverbs a day, take notes and glean the principles of wisdom. I just began the journey and I must say that I really like it. There are two principles that we are supposed to seek, wisdom and peace. I have to say that I'm very excited to seek out the wisdom of proverbs, and strangely in doing this I feel an amazing presence of peace. Solomon wrote Proverbs, he was the wisest and the richest man on earth. God had created Solomon with these attributes, he referred to Solomon as a man of peace and he said that he loved Solomon. Solomon was the son of King David from his adulterous affair with Bathsheba. Their first son died as punishment for King David murdering Bathsheba's husband. However, God is a God of restoration and multiplicity, so when he restored the son that David lost he made him seven times better than the one that was lost. Remember that when you have lost something.
This is where my journey begins and I believe it's an excellent place to begin. Of course I'm filling out applications and working on my dissertation while I work and referee my children but I'm really excited about having a starting point.
From here on out I'll be including the revelations as my path unfolds before me. God is so cool. Seriously.
How is it possible to be this old and still have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?
People ask me all the time "So what are you going to do with that degree?" I look at them like I'm waiting for them to tell me. I'm actually waiting for someone to tell me. I would have never imagined that I would go to school for this long come to the point of doing my dissertation and still not know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. And really I don't think you're supposed to tell people you don't know what you're going to do, like they might revoke you doctorate or something. And did you know that there are assholes everywhere? I spent most of my adult life believing that people with education were all nice. Yes, I led a very sheltered life growing up. Children were not part of adult conversations, girls did not speak at the table (I was raised by my grandparents, lol, I'm not that old) and my grandfolks slept in separate beds across the room from each other. When I first got married I was asked if I had consummated my marriage. I had no idea what she meant by that, quite possibly a food we ate or something? I really didn't know.
Needless to say I learned as I got older and became more educated that there are assholes everywhere in every walk of life. I just didn't think they would confer them with degrees but I guess so.
So lacking direction in my life I decided to take some serious advice and start reading a chapter in Proverbs a day, take notes and glean the principles of wisdom. I just began the journey and I must say that I really like it. There are two principles that we are supposed to seek, wisdom and peace. I have to say that I'm very excited to seek out the wisdom of proverbs, and strangely in doing this I feel an amazing presence of peace. Solomon wrote Proverbs, he was the wisest and the richest man on earth. God had created Solomon with these attributes, he referred to Solomon as a man of peace and he said that he loved Solomon. Solomon was the son of King David from his adulterous affair with Bathsheba. Their first son died as punishment for King David murdering Bathsheba's husband. However, God is a God of restoration and multiplicity, so when he restored the son that David lost he made him seven times better than the one that was lost. Remember that when you have lost something.
This is where my journey begins and I believe it's an excellent place to begin. Of course I'm filling out applications and working on my dissertation while I work and referee my children but I'm really excited about having a starting point.
From here on out I'll be including the revelations as my path unfolds before me. God is so cool. Seriously.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
September 4, 2013;
Well sometimes I wonder if I say everything that goes on my life if someone would find me and commit me.........forever. Probably. Well on the bright side I began my dissertation process and I think I'd rather be throwing up. I'm not even sure what made me think I could do it, breathe......breathe......
Sometimes when you help your kids it's so exhausting you wish they would finally get happy and get out. I finally realize that they are going to have their ups and downs and be all over the place but that's okay God has complete control, he has a plan for them as well as for me. I'm finding that prayer changes everything and those things that seem so big like they're going to swallow everything he turns into nothing. Even when the girls are mad and things get so intense God just moves his hand and changes the course of it all.
Today I'm calm, last week I had to call the police on one of my daughters to have her removed from my house. She was so offended, but she wasn't going to go home if I didn't. I believe after that she went back on her meds and is improved, she won't talk to me still so I'm not exactly sure but all indications show she is doing well.
I believe God is showing me how to stay calm and quiet through the storms and how when the girls become so angry, they are really those dust tornados I grew up watching in the desert. One minute they're blowing so hard they look like a cyclone and then Poof! they're gone like they were never there. That's how the girls argue. As long as I don't interfere one bit, it just goes Poof! I finally had to tell them I was tired of all the negative conversation and back biting. You would have thought they were each other's worst enemy. It took several weeks and then finally things began to quiet down. We'll see how long it lasts.
Well sometimes I wonder if I say everything that goes on my life if someone would find me and commit me.........forever. Probably. Well on the bright side I began my dissertation process and I think I'd rather be throwing up. I'm not even sure what made me think I could do it, breathe......breathe......
Sometimes when you help your kids it's so exhausting you wish they would finally get happy and get out. I finally realize that they are going to have their ups and downs and be all over the place but that's okay God has complete control, he has a plan for them as well as for me. I'm finding that prayer changes everything and those things that seem so big like they're going to swallow everything he turns into nothing. Even when the girls are mad and things get so intense God just moves his hand and changes the course of it all.
Today I'm calm, last week I had to call the police on one of my daughters to have her removed from my house. She was so offended, but she wasn't going to go home if I didn't. I believe after that she went back on her meds and is improved, she won't talk to me still so I'm not exactly sure but all indications show she is doing well.
I believe God is showing me how to stay calm and quiet through the storms and how when the girls become so angry, they are really those dust tornados I grew up watching in the desert. One minute they're blowing so hard they look like a cyclone and then Poof! they're gone like they were never there. That's how the girls argue. As long as I don't interfere one bit, it just goes Poof! I finally had to tell them I was tired of all the negative conversation and back biting. You would have thought they were each other's worst enemy. It took several weeks and then finally things began to quiet down. We'll see how long it lasts.
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