November 29, 2013;

Last night I was reading Proverbs, in all the years I spent reading the Bible I refused to read Proverbs.  And actually for a reason that doesn't hold up now.  Proverbs instructs, it gives wisdom and sometimes, actually a lot of times it uses analogies to make its points.  Sometimes it talked about a "she" in Proverbs and it was very negative and because I had been divorced I would feel like it was talking about me.  Yea, I know, how is it possible that I have the education I have and still be so stupid.....it happens.  Then in Proverbs 31 it talks about this perfect woman that I'm sure I would never attain to so for me it was very defeating and filled with lots of condemnation.  All of which was incorrect and kept me from learning some real wisdom that pertains to our everyday lives and the choices we make. 

Particularly there was a section that spoke about how humility and the fear of the Lord leads to honor, increase and favor.  Now seriously that's pretty basic stuff......if you only look on the surface.  However, what I found was that fear actually means reverential trust, real trust and humility means that I'm giving place to God, I'm putting him first and waiting for him.  So really it means that trusting the Lord and putting him first leads to honor and success and increase in our lives.  Still pretty basic and yet what I finally realized at my age is that I never really wait on God I try so hard to use my own judgment and common sense and I always feel like I'm supposed to step out and just try.  I can not begin to tell you how many things I have screwed up doing that. 

And actually in reading the Word I am learning how many times this specific concept is mentioned.  We are told to trust in the Lord, that he directs our steps, be anxious for nothing but in everything with prayer and supplication make your requests known to God lean not unto your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him.....and the list goes on. 

So what I'm learning is we are going to cast our seed upon the water, we are going to plant seeds everywhere we go in obedience but it is He that brings the increase and the harvest.  Just like the farmer we plant and we wait we water and we wait.  The seed goes through major changes and fights through the earth to get to the sun...it's a miracle of God and so are the plans and expectations He has for us.  They are miracles that if we let Him and we don't go dig up the seed or try to force the growth He will cause to manifest in a way that we never could have. 

So.......I have to stay in humility putting Him first and waiting on Him...and trust Him and his direction and just stay in His presence. 

You know when He finally got me the job of crisis intervention clinician it was a job that allows me to stay with my current employer since she's having health issues and help her.  He loves her too.....what a God.

November 28, 1013;

It's Thanksgiving and I would say that this year has been particularly hard on me and my family individually and collectively.  I have completed all of my coursework for my doctorate program and am now in my dissertation.  I have gained new employment as a crisis intervention clinician which should be amazingly beneficial on my journey and I am beginning to say goodbye to some old relationships that will be more than heartbreaking. 

My oldest is facing her third back surgery which should actually be a turning point for her life since she lives most of her life in extreme pain.  So this I look forward to since being so young and so unable to enjoy life is just too difficult, especially when there is help available. 

My middle daughter is doing well, she took some time off from her job and has moved home for a while.  I was able to sit in with her psych appointment which proved to be illuminating.  I love this stuff so for me it really is fun.  All in all she is doing quite well. She actually has shown me how to trust God and not intervene in situations in a much more mature way than I could have ever done.  She surprises me. 

My baby is struggling immensely, her struggle breaks my heart and is impossible to discuss but I know God is much bigger than the problem.  "The seed of the righteous shall be delivered" that is what I say out loud and to myself numerous times everyday.  I know He's bigger and I know He has her and He is intervening.  I love her and hold her every time she lets me but it's not often enough.

I know things are making a huge transition in my life right now.  I feel in my spirit as though I'm saying goodbye to a lot of things and I'm going forward to I really don't know what.  But I know God is directing my path and I know He has plans for me with an expected end.  Plans for good and not to harm me. 

I have been forging a trail alone in my spirit for a long time.  My life was turned upside down about six years ago and since then I have been finishing my education and doing damage control.  Six years of damage control.  Six years of being broke, doing repairs on my home, which by the way is older than me, and working on my education.  Which when I began that journey I had no idea what I was going to do. 

And what have I learned........well...Sometimes God talks to you by not talking to you.  Sometimes you have to accept what the Word says by faith and just walk it out in the dark.  And sometimes nothing happens for a really long time.  Everything just stands still and you wonder if He hears your cries.  Then you keep paying your bills and being broke and wondering how you're going to make it to the next payday and why did this or that break again....seriously?  And in the midst of all that your kids decide after years of being gone that they are coming home.......really?  All three of them at one time or another.  Grandkids everywhere, never enough food to last (but somehow they always eat).  A dog on your property you never wanted, bikes everywhere and you're Nama...ughhhhh. 

Now in the middle of that try to have a personal life, yea right and try to finish your schooling.  Well, that I refused to give up on.

Now it's Thanksgiving with Christmas around the corner.  I can honestly say that God is in the business of restoration.  He is restoring the girls in a whole way, not just a partial fix but completely.  And when He is through they will leave one by one.  My house will be empty and I will once again be in my home alone.  His timing is perfect and He does a complete work so I know that in His plans He wants me abundantly happy and in that He will provide someone for me to love and care for.  But the timing will be His and it will be perfect.

 Until then I will be about my Father's work.   

November 21, 2013

I took a walk in the park one night and then everything changed.  The park was full of people walking and enjoying the weather I was listening to my praise and worship music and enjoying the time alone and the people walking.  It was such a nice evening and it felt like God just opened up the Heavens and I could feel the presence of all the angels and Him talking in my ear.....and all he said was that everything was fine He had taken care of everything, it was already done just enjoy....

The next day was wonderful and quiet but the day after that everything changed.  Suddenly.....I had my chair person and my committee person for my dissertation, they had been approved by the research center and they automatically registered me in my dissertation courses.  If that wasn't enough I went to a job interview and she hired me on the spot for a crisis intervention specialist...with a car, an office and I could still keep my other job since I was a week on and a week off all paid.  I couldn't believe it.  Everything changed and I had nothing to do with it except I showed up. 

I have no advice about how to make things happen I have no reason that all of it fell into place except that God is faithful and he doesn't lie in his Word.  What He says in his Word he will do.  Of course we have to plant some seeds, like applying to the dissertation program and of course applying for the job months before.....but He opens doors no man can close and he closes doors no man can open. 

Of course I'm still praying for my daughters and I continually pray for my grandchildren.  There are loose ends but He'll take care of them all. 

Isn't it funny how you can interview in some places and you just know you don't want to be there.  There's nothing about the interview, the people or the place that confirms anything except the feeling that you can't leave soon enough.  I've had those interviews repeatedly with people who were less than desirable on any level.  That was not the case when I walked in to this behavioral health center.  I was comfortable, I liked the woman I interviewed with, I liked the surroundings, I liked everything about it and I felt an excitement screaming in me that said let's get to work!

My dissertation process was the same way, I couldn't make it happen.  I had chosen a gentleman to be my mentor months ago, but somehow at the right time he is no longer available.  So, I began looking and I honestly didn't know what I was going to do or who was going to accept the request.  All of my classmates were going through the same process and the clock was ticking.  As it turned out I was the only one in my class to get a chair (mentor), a committee member, accepted into the program and registered before the class was over.  And I couldn't have made it happen no matter how much I tried.  Someone said well Cindy it's because you're smart.  Every person in that doctoral class was smart and they all had wonderful projects going for them, God just showed favor because He's faithful not because of anything to do with me and I am so grateful!

Have you ever thought that the process of trying and working towards something, the struggle of it is the thing we get wrapped up in.  I don't even think we really believe the work will pay off or that God's promises are true, but we just keep trying and pleading.  Then....when it happens and you had nothing to do with it you're in complete shock that something wonderful can actually happen to you?  We actually learn to live in the struggle like that's where we're supposed to live just struggling and trying and believing without anything happening?  I did.  I didn't even think it would happen and yet in my unbelief God still blessed me, He honored his Word and blessed me.  Did you know that good things are supposed to happen to us all the time?  They are, but I never really thought so.  I was so surprised I cried all the way home in gratefulness.  We are not to live in fear we are to live in expectancy of good, I think that's very hard to do but I think I'm going to work very hard at receiving and trusting. 

November 17, 2013;

Why is it that some people just can't get over past relationships so they stalk the person.  They take their adult son (because they have no friends that are that stupid) and they go to the person's house and stalk....really?  What's wrong with people?  This person has someone staying in his home and professes to be in a relationship with this person and yet can't seem to get over a past relationship and insists on taking his son and visiting this person. 

So I sit and wonder how must the woman who is currently in the relationship feel? 
When you see things and people like this does it make you want to be in a relationship?

Not me, it scares the hell out of me.

Here's another strange happening, a man who lives in the community who deals drugs, threatens people, beats up women and basically just physically abuses and verbally abuses people.  In and out of jail and yet there is no rehabilitation there is just continual terrorism. 

What is the end of this person?  Will he kill someone and end up on death row? 
Will he be killed in a desperate act of survival from another person? 
Whatever the end it won't end well, his end will be as his life currently is....violent.

The Bible says we are supposed to seek peace and pursue it.  I always thought it was a nice saying and really never put much depth to it's meaning until now.  Neither of these individual's lives are lived in peace.  Neither of these individuals have peace in their hearts.  Neither of them are peaceful inward and their actions outward are anything but peaceful. 

The Bible also says the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty to the pulling down of strongholds casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the name of Jesus.  So basically when things come against us, things that seem out of control and bigger than we can handle we don't have to fight them in the flesh it's a spiritual battle that's fought and won through prayer.  We do have authority through Christ over the battles that rage against us.   Being in one of those battles myself I'm not quite sure how long the battle lasts but I can tell you its won as long as we use the Word. 

November 16, 2013

It's hard being a parent watching the choices your children make.  Have you ever gotten on facebook and read some of the painful posts one person might make and then scroll down your page to find another person who used to friends with the person in pain, gloating over things they shouldn't, flaunting things they have no right flaunting knowing that the person who is in so much pain could be directly influenced by the gloating of the other person.  It's disgusting, but some people are just like that.  Fortunately I have lived long enough to know how those things end......and it's never pretty.  And I usually continue living long enough to see it. 

A woman walked up to me today and talked for a while.  She has led a similar life and has adult children who haven't made the best choices themselves and she too has gone through the feelings and thoughts of responsibility for her children.  As she shared everything she had gone through, she said you and I are a lot alike.  There was only one problem I know my God is bigger than any problem that may come.  And I will agree this year has been one of the most painful years I have known BUT, I know my God is so much bigger than any circumstances and I know that my family will be restored in a much better way than it ever was.  I live in hope of what I know my God will do.  I live in joy because he fills me with it and I live in expectancy of his goodness toward me and my family.  And in that respect she and I are very different. 

I refuse to see things the way they are and say well this is the way they are and they will stay this way.  NO WAY.  I believe the seed of the righteous will be delivered,  I believe to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. And I believe we receive double for our trouble.  So, no I don't believe we are the same and I do believe my circumstances will change and I know God is faithful to complete the work in me he has begun!!!!!

November 15, 2013

I quit posting in September it became too hard personally.  All I can really say is that this year has been harder than when I had to close my child development center.  At the same time I will be entering my dissertation classes next month and continuing on my journey. 

I believe the phd completion is more of a bucket list thing than anything...could I really do it?  Well apparently I can so now what? 

Why aren't I married?  Why have I been single for so long?  I can honestly say that I have not met the right person........ever, except my grandfather and he's unavailable. 

There are several things I have learned this year about me, I like me, I really do and I enjoy the things I like and I enjoy me doing them.  I enjoy freedom.  It's a gift.  It was first given to me by my grandmother.  She always gave me tons of freedom and trust at a young age.  I spent hours every day on the piano and on the river, with my friends and just being a very free spirit.  I didn't get into trouble I just enjoyed being free.  Quite the gift!

I said when I was 17 that I would never marry and definitely did not want to have children.  I married 3 times and had 3 children.  The men I married I slept with and therefore believed I was supposed to marry them to make it not be a sin. WRONG!!!! And the marriages were WRONG.  I didn't like them, and that was definitely not fair to them. 

One was a sergeant on the police department (not a good one, but employed). 
The second one was on drugs after a year of being married (he believed I couldn't divorce him after one year of marriage).  Whatever I did.
The third marriage should have never happened.  We had been friends and we married he was jealous and loved to fool around and later got involved in drugs.  He left.  All of his drama took place within a 3 year time period. 

I have learned I don't want to marry someone who needs a mommy, a person who is smarter than he is to handle the money, someone who needs to marry someone so he has a home and someone to raise his kids....really???????  And I definitely don't want to marry someone who wants to strip me of my freedom and have me on a short leash.....where's my dinner? Where are my clean clothes?  Have you paid the bills?  Blah blah blah I have better things to do. 

My grandfather was sitting beside me when I called my first husband to ask permission to go do something.  I don't even know what it was but I actually called for permission.  When I got off the phone my grandfather very quietly said...."you know, your grandmother never called me to ask permission to do anything....oh, she might call me and let me know what she was doing or where she was going to be just to let me know and then again she might not....she might tell me later, but she never asked permission...she didn't have to, she's an adult and we respect each other".  What a concept two adults building a life together with trust allowing each other to be an individual. 

I don't need another daddy.  My friend whom I work for sits beside me at the other desk most of the day where her husband calls her an average of 10 times a day to make sure she's doing what he has instructed her to do.  Why isn't this done,  make sure you do that,  where did you go.... this goes on constantly.  He called once and I answered the phone and he asked me where she had gone and what she was doing.  Are you serious, she has a cell phone I don't keep track of her I'm not her mother. 

So seeing her and her husband and her son and his wife and the way they act is a very good commercial for staying single.  They scare the hell out of me!

So I walk at night and I enjoy my time.  I take time for friends and I try to take care of my family, but that's become very hard this year.