November 15, 2013

I quit posting in September it became too hard personally.  All I can really say is that this year has been harder than when I had to close my child development center.  At the same time I will be entering my dissertation classes next month and continuing on my journey. 

I believe the phd completion is more of a bucket list thing than anything...could I really do it?  Well apparently I can so now what? 

Why aren't I married?  Why have I been single for so long?  I can honestly say that I have not met the right person........ever, except my grandfather and he's unavailable. 

There are several things I have learned this year about me, I like me, I really do and I enjoy the things I like and I enjoy me doing them.  I enjoy freedom.  It's a gift.  It was first given to me by my grandmother.  She always gave me tons of freedom and trust at a young age.  I spent hours every day on the piano and on the river, with my friends and just being a very free spirit.  I didn't get into trouble I just enjoyed being free.  Quite the gift!

I said when I was 17 that I would never marry and definitely did not want to have children.  I married 3 times and had 3 children.  The men I married I slept with and therefore believed I was supposed to marry them to make it not be a sin. WRONG!!!! And the marriages were WRONG.  I didn't like them, and that was definitely not fair to them. 

One was a sergeant on the police department (not a good one, but employed). 
The second one was on drugs after a year of being married (he believed I couldn't divorce him after one year of marriage).  Whatever I did.
The third marriage should have never happened.  We had been friends and we married he was jealous and loved to fool around and later got involved in drugs.  He left.  All of his drama took place within a 3 year time period. 

I have learned I don't want to marry someone who needs a mommy, a person who is smarter than he is to handle the money, someone who needs to marry someone so he has a home and someone to raise his kids....really???????  And I definitely don't want to marry someone who wants to strip me of my freedom and have me on a short leash.....where's my dinner? Where are my clean clothes?  Have you paid the bills?  Blah blah blah I have better things to do. 

My grandfather was sitting beside me when I called my first husband to ask permission to go do something.  I don't even know what it was but I actually called for permission.  When I got off the phone my grandfather very quietly said...."you know, your grandmother never called me to ask permission to do anything....oh, she might call me and let me know what she was doing or where she was going to be just to let me know and then again she might not....she might tell me later, but she never asked permission...she didn't have to, she's an adult and we respect each other".  What a concept two adults building a life together with trust allowing each other to be an individual. 

I don't need another daddy.  My friend whom I work for sits beside me at the other desk most of the day where her husband calls her an average of 10 times a day to make sure she's doing what he has instructed her to do.  Why isn't this done,  make sure you do that,  where did you go.... this goes on constantly.  He called once and I answered the phone and he asked me where she had gone and what she was doing.  Are you serious, she has a cell phone I don't keep track of her I'm not her mother. 

So seeing her and her husband and her son and his wife and the way they act is a very good commercial for staying single.  They scare the hell out of me!

So I walk at night and I enjoy my time.  I take time for friends and I try to take care of my family, but that's become very hard this year.