December 30, 2012

You never really know someone until you do whats best for you and it happens to be in direct conflict with another person.  I don't believe I have ever met a person so onesided and selfish and cold hearted.  Highly gullible and easily influenced by whatever telvision show he is currently watching, he takes on whatever influential garbage that comes through the tube and spews it out.  Ridiculous.  Suddenly after four years and quite frankly never in my whole life I am accused of "scheming".  I have some secret plot that I've organized so powerful and all knowing so sophisticated in its plot to bring down to utter destruction one man so consumed in his own pioty and pathetic life, yet so completely important as to spend my days plotting and scheming against him.  This against a man I haven't seen in months and then I'm not quite sure when or where it was or what was said even then.

I'm not quite sure if I should be impressed that he feels I'm smart enough to scheme or insulted that I would spend anytime scheming on him.  Really? 

I had no idea peoples' self esteem could be so high.  And I had no idea that all the other people had nothing else to do but to plot and scheme against them. 

Well as Willie Wonka said "Wierd". 

December 30, 2012

Well, I'm telling you there's never a dull moment.  I wonder if other mothers of adult children with schizophrenia have the same issues to deal with.  You know, sometimes the antics are so numerous between that and having two other daughters that it just gets embarrassing.  In the evenings as I go for my long walks I sometimes wonder what I did wrong and where I failed.  I realize we all make mistakes and of course statistics will tell you that children from single parent dwellings have more issues to deal with than those children of married parents.  On the other hand being married to an angry abusive or drug addicted partner has to be worse.  I realize I could not be both mother and father and there was the one boyfriend I cohabitated with (unfortunately, however fortunately, it wasn't long).  They were raised in church, but their mother was not perfect.  I worked every day went to church with them got out of the abusive relationship and stayed home I would say 95% of the time, I never did drugs, I was never an alcoholic or abusive to my children, but still.  Maybe, it's because they're young and still trying to figure things out.  I'm not sure.  Maybe I don't pray enough, maybe there aren't enough maybes in the world to figure everything out.  I could rattle off some psychological stuff (bs) but really? 

I know nothing ever stays the same, those things done in the darkness always come to the light in one way or another and everything you put out there comes back, you reap what you sow.  And sometimes it's better to be quiet than it is to fight things out.  Actually sometimes if you stay quiet for a day things change for the better without your input. 

I had a very dear friend tell me the wisest thing possible.  He said "Do the obvious"  I remember standing in his livingroom and he, his wife and I were talking and I just looked at them and said "I have no idea where I'm going, where to start, how to get there, I can feel it, almost touch it, smell it, but  not see it.  He said "when you just don't know what to do, do the obvious".  Well, what the hell did that mean???  Well today you will get up, are you supposed to go to work? yes then be present and do the obvious, your job.  Do you need to do your homework?  Is it due?  Then do the obvious.  Dishes?  Laundry? Housework? Fixing things?  Do the obvious.  Take one step at a time.  Sometimes God doesn't reveal everything at once.  He just gives you today, be faithful with today, try that. 

I practice this everyday and its brought me into my doctorate, out of debt and away from bad relationships and decisions.  I'm busy, doing those obvious things that God has given me to do.  Honestly, if you spend your time doing what God has for you to do in those things he has given you to be faithful in then things begin to iron out.  Time is well spent and is not spent on fretting, spinning your wheels, talking about someone else, getting into someone elses business.

Now, imparting that into my children?  I'm really trying.  And by spending my time doing the obvious I spend less time worrying about the ridiculous decisions they make, I pray about them and keep doing the obvious.  If I don't, then I lose sight of what I'm supposed to be doing and that's a bad decision.

December 28, 2012

Well my day started with feeding my family, going to work and having a verbal confrontation with my daughter's landlord who for some reason felt cheated that she moved out.  I don't think he's suited to rental income but then again I wouldn' enjoy it either. 

Today I checked my banking account activity and you would think I would know better, alot better.  My middle daughter with her disorder had my bank card for a short time to pay her phone bill.  Seriously, do I have stupid stamped on my forehead? I put money on it I do.  I actually gave her cash to get my mother, her grandmother and her own child something to eat but somehow she thought buying weed superceded the needs of her family.  Why am I always amazed at the next antic she pulls.  Why does it surprise me?  I keep hoping theres a magic pill to make her a good person.  There's not.  Needless to say when I checked my records another small sum was missing while she had the card.  Oh and she didn't do it "I swear mom I didn't do it" well afterall it would be the first time (yea right) and what do I expect I gave it to her, I'm starting to wonder who really has the bigger problem, her because she schizophrenic or me because I keep trying to relate to her like a normal person.  Not sure.

When we finally got her to a decent psychiatrist that had actually studied the newer medications and prescribed them we were thrilled.  All of the psychotic moments, mood swings and most of the impulsive behavior stopped.  However, when it all settles down you are left with the person.  The person's God given personality, moral ethics and preferences.  They're not always good, you find out this person really isn't all that moral a person, the bad choices they make may actually be their own.  I told my oldest daughter there is no pill to take for personality, the drugs only get rid of the psychosis.  It is what it is sometimes. 

I actually got to talk to my best friend today I missed him.  He's goofy he said he was upset over us not talking so he joined a motorcycle group called the sons of anarchy.  Dude, you're watching too much television seriously.  We're like little kids together we talk about everything, mostly he rambles on.  I think the sound of his voice just calms me down.  It's so familiar, so much like home to me.  He's still an ass but that's okay. 

December 27, 2012,

When you have a family you get to deal with jealousy, personality disorders, psychosis and just plain old sibling rivalry, all of which is mom's (by the way that's me) fault.  If you take one adult child out to dinner the other one wants to know why or where are you going or will you bring me back (whatever they want).  You think it stops with your children but then it gets passed down to the grandchildren.  You are their nama or nana and the oldest hates the youngest because the youngest is in your lap and the oldest is way the hell too big to be in your lap so they're in a chair.  Mind you, this is only the females in the family, the boys are busy being boys they don't care as long as you feed them and buy them the coolest toy. 

Meanwhile your best friend or so you thought (male by the way) has decided that even though he's married, you should not date.  What the hell?  You tell him you have a date for New Years Eve and he goes bullistic.  Really??  Who is he? What party?  Come on it's okay for you to be married and happy but I'm supposed to sit at home and do what?  Well as long as he's happy in our friendship apparently that's all that matters......NOT.  See ya old friend. 

The title of nama is the typical one, however, I am not your typical nama.  I have an alter ego that needs a life of its own.  After years of raising children, working going to school (although I am finishing school) and owning a child development center while I'm everyone else's nama, I need to just be me.  The week before my grandmother died I asked her how old she was, she thought about it for a minute and said 16.  No, she did not have demensia, she had a very sound mind, but on the inside she was 16.  I am 53 years old and I believe I was older when I was 25 years old.  I feel like I did when I was sixteen.  Of course I was better looking all the way around and far more athletic but my spirit is the same.  I love being my children and grandchildren's nama, mom and counselor but I am the same 16 year old girl that sat at my piano at the house on the river playing Chopin.  Sometimes I wonder when I will grow up and stop wanting a playmate.  But I do want my playmate.  I think that's what I felt my friend was, we talked about everything but nothing stays the same everything changes. 

I am very practical however, and I do believe that at this age I only have so many functioning years left, possibly enough for another lifetime experience.  And I believe I have to go as hard and as far as I can I feel like that little kid when he tells his dad he wants to be an astronaut.  But, I do believe that I serve a big God and if he's that big then there's nothing I could possibly achieve or imagine that would even remotely come close to anything that he could or would do for me. 

My daughter at 25 once said "I've screwed up my whole life", she was crying.  I told her she could screw it up several more times and still start over and be ahead of the game. 

December 26, 2012

Family Christmases are a fascinating menagerie of emotions, wills, priorities, desires and expectations of what the holiday should be.  Very seldom are these all met for every person under one roof which makes for a very exciting and conflicting holiday.  It seems like everyone is longing to be somewhere else and someone else doing something else other than being home for the holidays.  Leave it to Beaver and Mayberry lied in so many ways, it makes you wonder if they sat back and laughed while they made the shows. 

My oldest who is now living with me hates the fact that I like a clean and orderly home.  It's such an annoying habit I have that she calls me OCD, which is probably easier than calling herself a slob.  Needless to say she felt that when she picked up the wrapping paper off of the floor that she had contributed to Christmas and was now going to lounge, while her mother cooked and cleaned in the kitchen.  When that was done, as many other moles, she went to her room to nest and nest and nest hmmmmm.   Annoying to say the least.  Meanwhile her sister came home and had her ex (well actually her husband) drop their son off.  He walked into the house unannounced saying his hellos as happy as can be, this was the same man that gave me his word he would show up and help me move my oldest daughter.  He never showed up.  Apparently I wasn't supposed to remember that, old age you know.  As he stood in the livingroom I asked what happened and he wouldn't look me in the face, so I kicked him out of the house.  My daughter became angry and our argument started and finally finished when she realized why.  My oldest daughter who is home because her husband beat her up and is going away for a while, could not believe how violent Emily and I were talking.  Really??  Weren't you the one that got hit to the ground? Weren't you the one being choked out?  They must do all of this very quietly so as not to disturb the children.  Oh wait, it was in the McDonald's parking lot, that's right, with the kids in the car.  But me and Emily are barbarians.  They have classes for that.

My youngest brought her boyfriend to dinner, they didn't stay, her father needed his van immediately since she had just shown up at my house.  So she left.

Mary, my oldest stayed gone most of the afternoon, Emily and I watched movies and cooked, yea the one I was yelling at for two seconds acting like a barbarian. 

Awwww Christmas sheer bliss.

However, I have, for the first time in many years a date for New Years Eve.  No I will not bring him home at all for any reason.  I do not care what all the books say about introducing him to the family early hell no.  Not at all.  I'm supposed to be living alone.

I'm gonna pretend like I don't have kids and go have fun.  My kids are old enough they don't need a babysitter and I'm over eighteen so I can stay out as long as I like!

December 22, 2012

Journaling again.  I just found out my daughter who has the schizophrenia disorder forgot to get her pills again, for probably what I would like to term the millionth time.  That's not actually the case but it definitely feels like it.  No worries, that's probably the reason she's smoking so much weed.  This is not uncommon with individuals who suffer from various disorders.  They will usually self medicate, they seem to think its easier and I'm really not seeing it since you have to contact your dealer and see if and I mean if he has any weed then you have to go get it at his convenience, when you can just call the phamacy (which by the way is a drive thru) get your refills and get ur presciptions.  I guess that's just too easy, what was I thinking.  It is afterall called schizophrenia I suppose. And no I don't let her go without her meds I always make sure she gets them even if its a few days out.  There's always a window of time where they start regress and things begin to fall apart.  You can tell within a week when things are slipping you just have to pay close attention all the time. 

My oldest has moved in, luckily for me I got to help her move out of her house and low and behold in all the drama that was her life, she's officially a hoarder, or maybe just a slob I'm not sure which but I know one thing, I did not have fun cleaning her house all day and moving furniture.  So what does she do?  She puts pictures of her husband (whose in jail) on her dresser.  Really?  Maybe she's gonna throw darts at them but I really don't think so.  She is the textbook definitation of co-dependent.  Then she had to make sure she put money on a card so he could call his son on his birthday today?  I'm not quite sure what chapter in my psyc books this falls under.  I could rattle on about low self esteem, dependency issues, fear of being alone issues, but I'm tired I think she's just lost her mind. 

Well, lucky for me I have homework, where I write about disorders and how to correctly deal with them.  No where in those books does it say to pray, but honestly that's what I do pray...alot.....everyday.

Friday December 21, 2012

Have you ever made the mistake of thinking you actually had a best friend, you thought they were being honest and sincere with you, you thought when they told you they loved you it was real, only to find out it wasn't.  Madea says it best "some people are like leaves, some like branches and very few are those roots that go down.  The leaves fall off when the wind blows hard or when they're season is over, the branches break off in bad weather or if there's too much weight.  But the roots go deep and give life to the tree.  Some friends are meant to stay only for a season, they're there to teach you something, the friends who are branches are good only for good times, they can't handle too much, but the roots stay forever.  The mistake comes when we try to make a leaf or branch into a root, some people are supposed to stay only for a season to teach us something, but we try to make them into a root, theyre just not meant for it. 

The thing is you only need to find one true love, not several, there's only one.  So it stands to reason, they would be difficult to find sometimes.  Meanwhile, I have alot of work to do and very little time to devote to leaves and branches of any kind.  Its the holiday season and this time last year my daughter was getting ready for 3 months of manic behavior that would turn the entire family upside down.  It included three trips to mental hospitals, two trips to the emergency room in the back of an ambulance escorted by police officers, missed work and multiple trips up to the mental hospital. 

When an individual goes to manic stages in schizophrenia life gets very interesting and it requires an immense amount of patience and diplomacy.  Patience dealing with your child and diplomacy dealing with the various agencies that are connected to mental health emergencies.  You would be very surprised to learn the lack of knowledge, awareness and skill professionals who deal with mental health patients actually have.  Our local emergency room has no patience for them, traveling nurses are the worst form of care in this community, they do not care and are consistently disrespectful to patients, patients families and doctors, yes doctors.  The ambulance service, who say they deal with schizophrenics all the time, are very inept when dealing with them in emergency situations.  They tend to exacerbate the situation and will actually engage in verbal combat with them.  Excuse me, there's only room for one mental health patient here please.  Mental health, themselves do not have an understanding of a person's state of well being, they don't understand the definition of a danger to oneself or someone else apparently.  If a patient is wandering through their parking lot in front of cars and sliding down walls, they are fine, can we make an appointment for you next month?  What the hell?  Psychiatrists who should have retired years ago who have not kept up with current trends prescribing older antipsychotic drugs that do more harm than good and police that try to tell me what I am dealing with.  Really????  You're kidding right?  Even if I was not working on my doctorate in the field, my daughter is experience enough.  Maybe they were under the impression that we just met. 

I'm very fortunate, my daughter tells me about the hallucinations she has, the people she sees, the voices she hears, the anger she feels.  One of the rides to a mental hospital included an overdose of Meliril, mind you this was the time the mental health department said she was not a danger to herself.  It's amazing how people keep jobs.  During this ride she talked to people who weren't there, told us not to hit the people walking down the freeway, asked us why we were leaving our friend at the rest stop, you know the one that walked with you into the bathroom that wasn't there.  The first time it happened it scared me.  And with each manic episode it intensifies but now I go through it knowing it'll be over pretty soon. 

Such is a day in the life of me.

December 19, 2012,

I forgot to post yesterday, my daughter finally quit crying for over her husband, my other one chooses to sleep in her apartment without lights until tomorrow, mind you its been below 60 degrees at night.  I'm not quite sure why, but she apparently cherishes her freedom.  My youngest has made the decision that I want nothing to do with her although I'm not quite clear on that one. 

It is interesting as I journal my life.  See I am a single woman and although I am a grandmother, I have a life of my own.  I am currently in the second year of my doctorate in forensic psychology, its actually my escape from my world.  I actually have personal friendships of which I do not discuss, only because I am viewed as nama and they are not love interests they are releases from a life that would otherwise be either amazingly overwhelming, or incredibly boring, take your pick. 

Today is quiet, no drama, no rides to the mental health hospital, no daughters running in my house crying over a break up, just peace.  I should actually sit here for a moment and really take it in because its an unusual experience in my life.  It only lasts for about an hour, unless of course I change my number and move to Ireland. 

The news has been talking about Newton Connecticutt this week.  I have paid close attention, at first they said the only problem the son had was Asperbers.  I had to laugh, learning disabilities do not make people violent.  I knew before they uncovered more history and information on the man that he was mentally ill.  I have looked into my daughter's eyes when she has been in a manic state, I know whats possible.  The last time was one day before she got in to see the psychiatrist.  Thank God it was a new one that had brains.  I knew they weren't telling her the right information, I knew they were wrong, but she's over eighteen and somehow even though I have the education and obviously experience in the area, they enjoy looking at the mother like she's stupid.  Sadly, because of this situation I'm sure, they will begin to listen more I hope.  There are many family members who scream at mental health professionals trying to tell them something is seriously wrong and so many times they do not listen.  Why those beautiful children and dedicated adults had to pay for people to begin to wake up is beyond anything sane I have ever experienced.

December 17, 2012

Another day, I forgot to mention my oldest daughter's husband is in jail for domestic violence against my daughter.  We've been to court once and now of course she turns into the classic statistic, she wants to take him back.  He's a meth addict, 15 years of marriage and 2 kids a trail of failed jobs behind him while she has stayed at the same job for over nine years.  I'm exhausted.  My middle daughter's apartment's plumbing backed up into all her rooms, I'm just praying the stress doesn't throw her into a manic state.  And my youngest, I'm just not ready to discuss her. 

All in all I love going to school, my job, and my life, it just gets very busy sometimes.  Today was challenging, I believe the three of them get together and decide to hit me all at once, its a plot to drive me into insanity.  Sometimes it works, most of the times I just escape into my school work.

Tonight my house is full with a daughter and her child whose apartment is flooded and another daughter with her two children who is grieving.  Lets not forget 2 dogs and an exhausted me. 

Dec 16, 2012,

I forgot to say I am a mother of a child who is schizophrenic.  I, like so many people, paid very close attention to the recent tradegy in Conneticut and want to ask all the same questions.  I think the one person able to answer those questions is gone, his mother.  Working on my doctorate in forensic psychology I have read many accounts of individuals who have gone manic and lashed out at others in a violent way.  I am amazed at the lack of good mental health care in this country and the lack of support for parents who have children who sometimes have the appearance of being possessed. You know you are not looking into the eyes you gave birth to and you know as a mother you did not raise the child to respond and lash out like a paranoid schizophrenic will when experiencing a manic episode.  Then you go to get help and its just not there.  Sometimes after fighting a manic battle, going through the emergency room, then following your daughter to a mental hospital that is usually at least 160 miles away and then waiting for that phone call after a couple of days, "Hi Mom I'm fine I feel better" I just want to have a nervous breakdown from sheer exhaustion.  But we as mothers cannot give up on our children.  We look into their eyes for signs of that little one, that child we know is still in there and when we see it, even a glimpse of it, it strengthens us to continue on.  My daughter is 27 years old and after a car accident when she was 21 years old that included severe head trauma, our lives were changed and the road began.  But she's mine and when I get to spend time with her, the real her, it so feeds my soul. 

Here I am at the beginning of my journaling experience and let me begin by saying that my world is a menagerie of school, kids, personal relationships, work, and chaos.  I'm currently working on my doctorate, and trying to figure out relationships with men.  Which up to this point in my life has been very unsuccessful, my education however, is coming right along.  Last night I went with a friend to talk, we left on good terms and this morning he's falling apart and can't handle life.  I've never met a man with more mood swings than a woman but apparently they exist, definitely not relationship material.  So today, I work on homework and study psychology and cook, these are things I understand and do well.