December 27, 2012,

When you have a family you get to deal with jealousy, personality disorders, psychosis and just plain old sibling rivalry, all of which is mom's (by the way that's me) fault.  If you take one adult child out to dinner the other one wants to know why or where are you going or will you bring me back (whatever they want).  You think it stops with your children but then it gets passed down to the grandchildren.  You are their nama or nana and the oldest hates the youngest because the youngest is in your lap and the oldest is way the hell too big to be in your lap so they're in a chair.  Mind you, this is only the females in the family, the boys are busy being boys they don't care as long as you feed them and buy them the coolest toy. 

Meanwhile your best friend or so you thought (male by the way) has decided that even though he's married, you should not date.  What the hell?  You tell him you have a date for New Years Eve and he goes bullistic.  Really??  Who is he? What party?  Come on it's okay for you to be married and happy but I'm supposed to sit at home and do what?  Well as long as he's happy in our friendship apparently that's all that matters......NOT.  See ya old friend. 

The title of nama is the typical one, however, I am not your typical nama.  I have an alter ego that needs a life of its own.  After years of raising children, working going to school (although I am finishing school) and owning a child development center while I'm everyone else's nama, I need to just be me.  The week before my grandmother died I asked her how old she was, she thought about it for a minute and said 16.  No, she did not have demensia, she had a very sound mind, but on the inside she was 16.  I am 53 years old and I believe I was older when I was 25 years old.  I feel like I did when I was sixteen.  Of course I was better looking all the way around and far more athletic but my spirit is the same.  I love being my children and grandchildren's nama, mom and counselor but I am the same 16 year old girl that sat at my piano at the house on the river playing Chopin.  Sometimes I wonder when I will grow up and stop wanting a playmate.  But I do want my playmate.  I think that's what I felt my friend was, we talked about everything but nothing stays the same everything changes. 

I am very practical however, and I do believe that at this age I only have so many functioning years left, possibly enough for another lifetime experience.  And I believe I have to go as hard and as far as I can I feel like that little kid when he tells his dad he wants to be an astronaut.  But, I do believe that I serve a big God and if he's that big then there's nothing I could possibly achieve or imagine that would even remotely come close to anything that he could or would do for me. 

My daughter at 25 once said "I've screwed up my whole life", she was crying.  I told her she could screw it up several more times and still start over and be ahead of the game.