December 30, 2012

Well, I'm telling you there's never a dull moment.  I wonder if other mothers of adult children with schizophrenia have the same issues to deal with.  You know, sometimes the antics are so numerous between that and having two other daughters that it just gets embarrassing.  In the evenings as I go for my long walks I sometimes wonder what I did wrong and where I failed.  I realize we all make mistakes and of course statistics will tell you that children from single parent dwellings have more issues to deal with than those children of married parents.  On the other hand being married to an angry abusive or drug addicted partner has to be worse.  I realize I could not be both mother and father and there was the one boyfriend I cohabitated with (unfortunately, however fortunately, it wasn't long).  They were raised in church, but their mother was not perfect.  I worked every day went to church with them got out of the abusive relationship and stayed home I would say 95% of the time, I never did drugs, I was never an alcoholic or abusive to my children, but still.  Maybe, it's because they're young and still trying to figure things out.  I'm not sure.  Maybe I don't pray enough, maybe there aren't enough maybes in the world to figure everything out.  I could rattle off some psychological stuff (bs) but really? 

I know nothing ever stays the same, those things done in the darkness always come to the light in one way or another and everything you put out there comes back, you reap what you sow.  And sometimes it's better to be quiet than it is to fight things out.  Actually sometimes if you stay quiet for a day things change for the better without your input. 

I had a very dear friend tell me the wisest thing possible.  He said "Do the obvious"  I remember standing in his livingroom and he, his wife and I were talking and I just looked at them and said "I have no idea where I'm going, where to start, how to get there, I can feel it, almost touch it, smell it, but  not see it.  He said "when you just don't know what to do, do the obvious".  Well, what the hell did that mean???  Well today you will get up, are you supposed to go to work? yes then be present and do the obvious, your job.  Do you need to do your homework?  Is it due?  Then do the obvious.  Dishes?  Laundry? Housework? Fixing things?  Do the obvious.  Take one step at a time.  Sometimes God doesn't reveal everything at once.  He just gives you today, be faithful with today, try that. 

I practice this everyday and its brought me into my doctorate, out of debt and away from bad relationships and decisions.  I'm busy, doing those obvious things that God has given me to do.  Honestly, if you spend your time doing what God has for you to do in those things he has given you to be faithful in then things begin to iron out.  Time is well spent and is not spent on fretting, spinning your wheels, talking about someone else, getting into someone elses business.

Now, imparting that into my children?  I'm really trying.  And by spending my time doing the obvious I spend less time worrying about the ridiculous decisions they make, I pray about them and keep doing the obvious.  If I don't, then I lose sight of what I'm supposed to be doing and that's a bad decision.