March 19, 2013

Have you ever had arguments with yourself?  Have you ever gone days, weeks, months maybe even years feeling stressed out like you've been fighting with someone, you're not married, your adult children make you crazy, you don't argue with them, you wonder why they make the decisions they do, but you don't argue. 

You're completely stressed out, tense, read every self help book published, read the Bible, pray and yet you feel this tenseness within you and then finally, one day you start to listen to yourself and there's a murmuring and muttering inside you.  What is this?  It's all negative judgemental unhappy stuff that you know you are not supposed to say, as a matter of fact you know it so well that you have actually spent years blocking it out of your range of hearing.

 And yet it goes on in your mind, stuff like "I can't believe she does that, it's so annoying" "How can anyone be that incredibly stupid?"  "What do you mean you don't know why they're mad at you, are you serious?"  "Oh my God, he's such an idiot, how does someone like that live?"  "Why am I so fat?" "Why do other women have men who love them, why not me, whats wrong with me?"  Maybe they hear those arguments inside me and don't want to interfere.

Mutterings that go on and on continually spinning in your head, chants of failure, depression, feelings of being unloved and unworthy.  Where did all of this come from and why didn't I realize this incessant conversation had been going on for years.  Then I watch my mother, my 75 year old miserable hateful mother walk through the house and verbally muttering hateful stuff so everyone can hear her for hours.  From a mother to her daughter passed down like a venereal disease that grows silently for years just festering inside the soul. 

Why?  And why have I kept it quashed down inside me?  I knew better than to let it out it disgusting and hateful.  So I walk around with this things crouching down inside me like a toad or better yet hanging on my ear whispering negative garbage that has caused me to be sad because sometimes it wins.  All the things it says are aimed at destroying my soul. So I learned unconsiously to argue with it.  "Why are you talking like this you know it's wrong" "Whats wrong with you?" "You need to stop, seriously that's disgusting"  "And you think you're so good, really?"  Actually it's not helpful.  Pretty soon I'll be duking it out with myself. 

Now, if you tell a doctor about these arguments and how you know its wrong, he'll diagnose you with some disorder.  It's easier than saying everybody does this to an extent, what extent?  I'm not sure.  And why are you arguing, are you really criticizing others or is it really aimed at yourself, your doing everything the way everyone expects you to, your following all the rules, your not doing anything wrong, actually your're not doing anything period.  But that's not good enough, because if you want to be good enough to be loved you must be better "live up to your potential!"  What potential, potential for what, noone told me what it was.  Be happy, you should focus on being happy, what does that mean, to be happy.  I think I watch everyone else be happy, or at least tell me they are and then tell me what I need to do to be as happy as they are (they don't look happy to me). 

Then, you tell them what makes you happy, what things you want to do, and they tell you that's not what you should do, that's ridiculous, this is what you should do, it's in you, you're not fulfilling your destiny if you don't do those things and if you don't do them I won't love you. 

Did you ever? I don't think so.

Before, everyone started telling me what I needed to do and how I needed to live, that I needed to get married and have children, that I needed to get a phd, I thought I was good enough,  I was happy.  I liked me, I still like me, God likes me.

My brother told me once "you're one of those people, live and let live", I said "yea, why not?" 

Why not?