March 2, 2013

     It's amazing how ending a marriage can affect a person.  Even if it's a bad marriage, filled with verbal and physical abuse, neglect and lonliness, the old saying that it's easier to stay in the mess you know than to be alone is very applicable. 

     Change is hard, really hard.  Breaking old habits is a hard exercise in discipline, just like staying on a diet or getting up early it takes discipline and time.  Getting out of a bad marriage is devastating, even if you didn't like the person, it's devastating.  And why is that?  Why is being miserable, unhappy, lonely and unfulfilled better than making the break, gaining your freedom and your self and quite possibly your children?  Because it's hard and it's the unknown and we're not even sure if we can survive alone or face all the issues life throws at us without someone there.  But they're really not there and we are becoming co-dependent, that disease that you thought was only affecting the OTHER person has unknowingly crept into your brain and your heart and affected you, Oh God!  But we don't know that, all we know is that we're not sure if we'll be okay alone, all alone, facing everything alone.  Did I say alone?  Yup alone. 

     Now there's no one to blame but yourself for the mistakes you make.  Of course there is the cloud of debri floating around your head like a thick fog that won't let you see clearly or feel anything.  It's like that thick fog when the ship's at sea, looking for the lighthouse it can't see hoping it doesn't hit the break or ram into rocks.  Where the hell is the lighthouse!!!!!   This is not our fault someone did this to us we are victims, we didn't prepetuate anything, we were trying to save a marriage (a piece of shit marriage, sorry) and we couldn't paddle hard enough and fast enough for both people so we ended up going in circles.  And then pretty soon there are holes in the boat and you can't plug the holes and paddle the boat on both sides and oh my God how did this happen!!!

     How does this happen?  You meet someone he seems okay, maybe you're in love, maybe you're not but you did sleep with him and everyone knows the two of you together so it's the right thing, right?  He's decent, you're decent it should work.  And then it doesn't.  Why?????  Drugs, alcohol, betrayal, disinterest, selfishness, hoarding (which of course is a symptom of more personal issues), working nonstop, just any number of issues.  You can fix yourself, as much as is possible, however, when the other person isn't interested then you're still stuck paddling alone, how can you fix this??? How can you make it better so that the other person will be a better person and change, maybe consider you somehow, maybe be sensitive and pick up the other oar.   You can't.  You are left with a choice, live the way you are living or leave. 

   Look I've read self help books, advice colums, how to manipulate him by working on your columns and.......really??  Sometimes, they like the boat that they don't have to row, they like that you're paddling for both and they enjoy the little nest they have made (manipulated) at your expense. 

     So, against the advice of the clergy, your mother-in-law, and other people who do not know your life, you leave.  Leaving isn't bad it's how you leave.  Many times when you have become co-dependent you need another dependent to make the transition,  greeeat, another mistake waiting to happen.  Sometimes, you leave and you just lose your mind, partying, drinking and trying to forget (oh wait I had kids somewhere didn't I ?), mistake.  So how do you leave???  You leave.  And then you slow down, love your kids, love you, give it time, walk though your days and maybe you get some counseling.  After all divorce or breakups rank right up there with a death in the family.  You pray, pray and pray some more.  You cry, cry and you cry some more, it does stop.  The sun does shine, the flowers smell good and your kids can be your best friends and you treat yourself well, really well.

     I realize that when we were little and our dog died, most of our parents immediately went out and got us another dog.  Don't do that.  Of course we all want to be loved and in love and valued and appreciated, unfortunately, we should love ourselves first, know ourselves and value ourselves first,  we won't set standards that others will have to follow, we will allow anything into our lives, we can't do that.  We can't show that to our children, we can't leave that legacy.  So many times in those toxic relationships we never even took the time to know what we liked, we don't even know what we like, did we like anything, except for the other one to shut up and go away.  We liked that, we liked quiet.  We liked sitting at a peaceful meal, even if it was alone, that we liked.  We liked being able to watch a movie without screaming or the other walking in asking for money so they could go get high, since they already spent what money they had. 

     Let the fog clear, as the Word says "pursue peace"  definitely pursue peace.  Learn who you are, what you like, who your kids are, because afterall, while you were suviving the mess, they got lost in the fallout.  Learn just how capable you really are, you will find a job, you will have a life and then down the road, you will have love if you want it.  But do not take your fog and debri and invite another person into it.