May 5, 2013;

Life, it didn't turn out the way I thought.  When I was around twenty years old I never thought I would have children, I didn't want to have children, I didn't want to be married.  I was raised by people who were born around the turn of the last century, before televisions, cell phones, all kinds of things.  Life was very simple for them and very strict.  Sex was referred to as consumating a marriage, you know really that just sucks.  I thought she was talking about soup or something when I got married and she asked if I had consumated my marriage.  Of course I didn't answer, how could I, we didn't eat soup. 

Then I had one child, I suppose there was some sort of biological desire to have children, or maybe it was something I hadn't done and why not, I'm not really sure why but I got pregnant.  Child birth wasn't easy and I didn't look forward to ever doing it again.  Apparently I didn't produce the hormone required to go into labor.  My grandmother said if they would've just allowed me to stay in the pregnancy I would have eventually had the child, of course the placenta was already deteriorating since I was already three weeks late, and the child would have been dead and the poison would've killed me, but she believed it would've happened somehow. 

My life reads like Lemony Snickets (I have no idea how to spell it) series of unfortunate events, when I finally found a way for it all to stop, my children picked up where I apparently left off.  I'm not sure why I was put here, or what I'm supposed to do with it.  You would think by now I would know, people around me think I've got it all together (shows the crowd I'm hangin with doesn't it).  Have you ever wanted to scream "DO OVER" and then have God transplant you to another place or time, just anything, anywhere.  Have you ever wondered why things are the way they are?  I do alot. 

I wonder why people act like they do, I wonder why I act like I do.  I wonder how it is that even though I am very careful not to say anything, the way I feel about certain things gets transferred to my children and they struggle with the same things.  Is it a coincidence?  I believe that it's evidence of spiritual influences that dominate our lives.  Have you ever wondered why when you ask God for something,  you don't get the things you've asked for?  It could be removing something from your life, it could be receiving something into your life, why?  The bible says He will not withhold any good thing from us, what does that mean?  Is that why some things aren't removed?  Are they good?  Well, I got tired of asking and decided to just give into it and go with the flow, just let whatever happens happen, quite possibly to my demise and I figure oh well, then it'd be done wouldn't it. 

I suppose that statement could be for anything, including some really bad habits, but I believe God wants us free and whatever road we have to travel down to get there then thats the road we will travel.  Sometimes I don't have the courage to travel it, but I'm not really seeing any options and I'm pretty much open to suggestions and new opportunities, amazingly God has me right here, hmmm.