May 1, 2013;

Have you ever looked into someone's face and felt them, their soul just touched your soul and you just knew.  Everything else you were looking at just wasn't the right fit.  Now they're not perfect you know them well enough to know they will drive you crazy and probably give you a coronary but you just knew if you didn't take every opportunity to love them and be with them you would regret it for the rest of your life.

Well, it's an interesting place to find yourself in, knowing the person well enough to weigh the good and the bad and know that if they weren't in your life it would be devastating.  Love is a phenomenon that I know very little about.  I know it changes, it mellows, it grows, it never stays the same.  Sometimes its so bad you just want to become a nun or quite possibly a monk in Tibet, but somehow even if you don't express it and take a chance of losing, you lose anyway. 

Love isn't fair, it isn't what's in fairy tales, it isn't simple, sometimes it isn't easy and you can spend your life either trying to avoid it or trying to find the one.  Some people find that person, some people spend their lives looking for that person, sometimes they find that person and the timing is bad, and sometimes they spend their lives going in and out of relationships trying to imitate what they know exists but they just can't lay hold of. 

How is it possible that it would be easy and convenient anyway.  You're talking about finding the one person that fits you, the one person that will work through who you are and still love you no matter what.  No matter what you've been through, who you turned out to be, quite possibly how angry you turned out to be because of what you went through.  I have read and heard it spoken many times that love is a choice that you make.  It isn't.  You don't choose to love your children, you just do.  And there are those children who have parents who don't love them, they don't like being parents and they don't like their children and no matter what they do, they just don't.  I lived in a marriage and I was told repeatedly love is a choice a decision.  Okay, so I made the decision to love him..................so I'm divorced.  I tried, I really tried, I tried for an eternity, and then he wanted to sleep with me OMG, I'm being nice, making the right choice but really? There's just no way to fake that in bed.  You can say please and thank you all you want but seriously.....no. 

Then you find the one, you see him, you both know and the timing is all wrong.  The perfect fit, the person that will drive you crazy, touch your heart, infuriate you and pull the child in your being to the forefront.  I have read love stories from different people in history who shared great love and were not able to be completely together.  They admired each other, they loved one another and remained in love until death and yet were unable to be completely together.  How painful.  So what do you do?  Well the right thing to do is walk away so you try, its the equivalent of being sick like turning into the walking dead for long periods of time.  Then you spend time with them and you are suddenly revived, actually brought back to the living and all it took was just one touch.  How is that possible?  How is it possible that year after year goes by and still the mere sight or sound of him reaches your core being?

I don't understand this, there is no explanation that makes sense and if you pray to God to take it away and he does not and this person keeps coming back, and when he does your heart beats again, I guess you love them, your pursue them since after all they hold your very heartbeat and you hold on to them until you are gone.  If you don't life plays funny tricks on you, you age, you get older, time passes.