January 15, 2013;


My daughter had surgery yesterday, her third back surgery.  The success rates on back surgeries decreases with each one but she has lived in so much pain that it was worth the risk.  She came through it fine, she walked today and she's on enough pain medications to put a rhinoceros to sleep but she's doing well.


My youngest has court tomorrow in Indio...enough said. 


I had a long talk with a friend of mine I couldn't figure out why things had gone in this direction.  I still don't know completely, but what I do is that I can speak the Word until things turn around.  I believe that sometimes we are in the middle of spiritual warfare before we know we're in spiritual warfare.  Sometimes things start happening one thing after another and they increase until finally everything acts like a tornado in the middle of your life.


If I were to step back and evaluate the events I would say that my daughter having surgery has been planned now for about a year.  We knew that her previous surgery did not take and if we wanted things to get better for her so she could have a life we were going to have to go through this whole process.  She wasn't able to work, or go to her kids school or sports functions.  She couldn't go shopping or do anything for that matter. So....if things were going to improve in her life we were going to have to allow her to go off of work and get the surgery she needed.  So now the hard part is over and recovery begins.  This is a good thing her back has been corrected now she can heal and have a life.  So really I can't count this as a negative.


My youngest is going through a process that will probably save her life.  I prayed for months that the seed of the righteous would be delivered.  I prayed and I prayed.  She went deeper and deeper into the meth and the illegal events.  Finally at 102 lbs it was over and she went in.  I cried all the way to work (45 minute drive) and all the way home for a few days.  I asked God about his Word and why He didn't deliver her.  In a very quiet voice in the depth of my being I heard him say "I did,  she would be dead".   When she was at home I never heard from her.  I hurt over her all the time and I never saw her.  I had thoughts of having to bury her and I prayed against it. Now I talk to her sometimes twice a day.  I love talking to her, she sounds like she did when she was younger.  But all I want to do is bring her home and wrap her up in my arms and hold her so hard and never let her go again.  So even though this isn't fun, her situation is improved.  She is alive, she is receiving the help that she needs, and we talk everyday.  So again I can't really count this as a negative.


My God is faithful especially through the storm.  Even when I can't seem Him I know He's working all things for my good and for my children's good.  I know that He is their Father and loves them more than I do.  So my job is to continue in prayer and speaking out the Word and his promises.  It's hard sometimes my mind gets fuzzy and weighed down and I can't think, I can't focus.  Then things get really hazy for me but the minute I speak the Word it all changes.  Now if I can just remember to do it at the beginning instead of in the middle. 

January 13, 2014;


Well, lets see I talked to my daughter who's in jail today, actually it was really nice.  I haven't heard her sound this good in years. 


I spoke to my oldest daughter today who just had surgery this afternoon, third surgery on her back.  I'm really hoping this one will take, the others didn't. She's in pain but she's talking that's a start.


I'm not speaking to my middle daughter after we got into a an intense argument over her lack of respect for me and my property.  An argument that ended with her spitting at me.  Yea that was awesome.  It's a real adventure, my life.  Schizophrenia is no joke.  Magically, tonight she's sleeping which indicates she has taken her meds.  I'm supposed to get excited that she took her meds for one night.  Whatever.......time for her to find a place of her own. 


And finally, I worked on my dissertation.  I should actually have enough material to write my own and cite myself. 


I'm finally off call for a week from my other job and my old job that I still help out at is hiring their daughter in law to help post.  This is a person that cannot fill out a deposit slip or write a check by herself.  My boss who can't get out of bed and function completely is going to help this person and I have to try to work within this situation.  It just gets better and better.


I'm not quite sure if God is getting ready to do something totally wonderful??????? or if I did something totally awful and I'm reaping my rewards......I don't remember it ever being this hard. 


I used to think if only I could find a person to have a nice relationship with.  Now I think....I hope I have enough gas to get as far away from here as possible.  And the saddest part is I went to a crisis call with a person and they were falling apart, having a complete meltdown, crying and wailing.  All because their life had stressed them out.  And what was wrong????????? Their neighbors and the cats....oh and some old memories they couldn't get over.  I couldn't believe it.  I didn't say anything all I could think was wow, if I told you what was going on in my life you would commit suicide.  I'm supposed to provide help and assess someone who's got it easier than I do an they're in crisis.  I wanted to congratulate the person for having it so good. 


I'm barely coming out of the fog of Christmas, being sick for a month, the death of a friend, the funeral of someone else, my daughter who's officially MIA and a new job.  And to be honest I don't have it bad, there are bad moments but I don't have it bad.  When I watched the video of the girl who had spent most of her life in prison and the other part being raped and beat, I knew I don't have it bad and I have God and He will turn all of it around.  So I have God and I have Hope I have jobs and I have a home.  And to be honest I love my kids and I love my grandkids.  So I'm blessed.

January 11, 2014


I miss my daughter.  Through the years I didn't have her the way I wanted her but now I miss her.  I always thought that the love between a man and woman outweighed the love for your child.  I don't really know why I thought that, maybe because a pastor once told me that your kids will grow up and leave the house, what will be left is you and your husband and therefore that relationship should be your number one focus.  Well, I have learned that he was wrong.  Maybe it would be true if you were married to the children's father and you were both focused on them as long as was needed.  But even he was not married to his children's mother so I'm not quite sure where he was going with that.  All I know is that I would rather have my daughter with me than any man anywhere. 


There is another side to this story and it's my granddaughter.  I meet with her every week during her lunch because her father has refused any visitation for her with her cousins or brother or sister.  I'm beginning to believe the time has come for more serious intervention.  She has become increasingly sad over time and wants to be with her family more often.  I held her for such a long time the other day and it became very clear that I would have to take additional steps on her behalf.  I would rather that God would miraculously intervene and make visitation possible but I'm not seeing that as the course right now so I'll pray and move very slowly and only as I believe that God wants.  He has to go before me otherwise it'll be a disaster.


Pray Pray Pray

January 10, 2014;


Funny how life is....now I'm referring women over to the company I work with for services.  A young woman I know just had her children removed from her home because of her drug use.  My heart breaks for these young women in trouble and I'm beginning to believe that I'm supposed to start a celebrate recovery group for women.  I started sending books, quite a few into the jail for women I figure, why not, they can circulate them around.  Maybe I'll contribute to their library. 


Today I saw a child who has had to deal with so much she said she doesn't feel sad or happy any more.  My heart broke for her.  I heard a woman talk about meth today.  She said it was so seductive at first, like it met the needs she has as a person.  She had low self esteem and felt like she wasn't worth anything.  She said she felt like she couldn't do anything.  Then she tried meth and it was euphoric for her.  She felt like she could do anything, she felt pretty and invincible......and there is the lie.  It's like it speaks directly to the hole in your heart telling you lies until it has you hooked and you can't get out.  Then it takes you down this road where you will do anything to just get high, you'll become scandalous, you'll steal because after all you can't get caught.  You'll lie because no one will know.  And you're so thin.  Meanwhile it's killing you and your family. 


I see a child who loves the person she calls mommy.  She thinks mommy is the person who takes care of her and feeds her and loves her and would never do anything to hurt her or jeopardize their life together.  She loves that mommy and every time she holds mommy that's the mommy she holds.  Meanwhile, the real mommy is the one who never really did have her head on straight.  She never felt loved or wanted and she never felt good about herself.  And really she never felt like she could take care of the child alone so she always looked for someone to take care of her, dragging her child into situations.  Finally, she failed miserably.  The baby's heart is broken but she still waits for her mommy and really I don't know for how long.

January 7, 2014;


I watched the coolest video about a women who spent years in and out of prison for prostitution and various drug charges and I mean most of her adolescent and her adulthood into her late thirties only to finally come out and change her life.  She was raped at the age of four, her mother gave her to her adult male friends and from there her story unfolded.  Now she speaks in women's prisons giving them hope.  I had never heard or seen anything like her before and I was completely awestruck with what God can do with someone's life when everyone has written you off. 


Then to make it even closer to home I got to listen to a woman's story that works with me.  She was a drug addict and a mental health patient for years living on the streets and through her relationship with Jesus she is a completely different person.  I was so impressed with these women I was in awe of what God did in real life people.  What stories of His goodness. 


I think the thing that impacted me about both women was the support of older women behind them who loved and prayed for them during the whole process.  Older aunts and a grandmother who stood in prayer for these ladies while it looked hopeless never giving up.  And now look what God has done!!!!!


The new job I took as a crisis clinician is allowing me to see things I have never seen before both good and bad, before and after.  It fills my heart with such overwhelming hurt for these women and actually for families in general.  I know that while we are doing what we want to do or we're going through horrific personal tragedy and conflict, we don't realize that our significant others, our families suffer with us.  They hurt for us and with us.  In my case I hurt for my daughter and I feel as though I'm going through everything with her.  I never realized what some parents go through.  I definitely didn't realize what other women could possibly be going through. 


I have to remember that God doesn't show us things without a reason, he brings us to places in our lives for reasons.  So while he marches this parade in front of me showing me all these things it's my job to yield myself to his direction and see where it goes. I remember telling God many times in previous years that I wanted to work in the trenches where the real stuff was.  Now I really had no idea what I was talking about.  To remember myself saying those things I realize I was naïve, like the young soldier that wants to taste battle and yet has no idea what he's going to see or experience.  Now I feel kind of stupid like a little kid green behind the ears.  But in all honesty I'd rather go with God on this journey than go without Him.  I figure I might have another 35 or 40 years to work and I don't want to waste anymore than I already have.  I never  bothered to follow God's leading so I think it's past about time.  

Jan 4, 2014;

Last year has been the hardest year of my life with probably the most loss I have felt.  You would think that a divorce would be so devastating with such a feeling of loss or possibly the loss of a business but I have to say that I have never experienced in my life this type of loss. 

I am one of those parents whose child's life was taken over by meth.  Meth is demonic and I say that in full knowledge of what that means...and I mean it.  It leads you into a path of destruction and low self esteem you make decisions that people think how is that even possible.  Needless to say jail has been included.  I always wondered how parents dealt with this kind of destruction that takes a toll on not only the child but the entire family.  You blame yourself over and over and you look for the areas you blew it in as a parent but it doesn't stop there.  The entire family goes through the same feelings of blame and responsibility, areas where you are sure you failed the person.  Then the family starts ripping each other apart blaming one another and just plain being at a loss.  You feel like the person died.  Of course there is the shame and humiliation, but you finally realize that anyone worth being your friend has enough class to have dignity, the others aren't worth your time, they never were.  Then you find friends, real friends in unlikely places.  And favor where you never knew there was any. 

My daughter will recover and life will get better, this too shall pass and God will restore everything in a much better way but it will be a journey.  Thank God I have Him.

Then I lost a very close friend and that's been devastating, she would have been the one I would have confided in and prayed with all through this hideous process, but she's gone now. 

Then I played the piano for two funerals and found out the pastor that pulled me back into playing retired Christmas Eve. 

My oldest is scheduled for surgery on the 14th, it's her third back surgery and I'm really hoping it all goes well and she gets to resume her life in a healthy way!!!!!

And I started a new job as a crisis clinician (go figure), so December was a lot of stress it left me feeling like the rug had been pulled out from under me and at the same time I really felt like God carried me through.  I thought I had been through it before but I have never felt this before.  I have a new appreciation for families that go through this devastation.