December 25, 2013;
One of the most important days of the year. I spent Christmas eve shopping and shopping like the rest of the world and then two Christmas services in the evening. The last service I was dragging, I almost forgot what I was doing, just tired. Then dinner at the in-laws (my daughter's in-laws) I hit the bed after midnight.
Today, cooking and cooking and cleaning up after people and............. now that I think about it holidays kind of suck lol. I spent time visiting with my youngest she's doing much better. She has clarity and focus and sounds very good. It's been a long time since she has sounded this good I feel like I have her more now than I have in years....very ironic.
For years I wondered why all the jobs I ever applied for seemed out of reach or I never heard anything. Now I have jobs being offered to me and its all new to me. I really like the job I recently took, it's a crisis clinician, it's kind of like being a mother to my children. To my children particularly. I've seen a lot of dysfunctional behavior and crisis situations so when I see these people they pretty much say the same things my kids or their friends have said a million times before. I wish I could do more than I do. I believe my community needs a program specifically for domestic violence victims and their families since that area seems to encompass a wide range of problems. I need to spend more time on the computer researching other programs within the state and begin to look for avenues. Meanwhile, I work and gain focus on my dissertation which for a while feels very disconnected. I'm sure it's the holidays and my family.
I did some research on women within the legal system and the major causes and it was revealed that many women who found themselves in the prison system were there because of a relationship with a man. Either they were doing something for him, with him, he was doing something to them and they reacted or the man left the woman with kids and she found herself uneducated, unemployed, too many kids and not enough money. I'm not quite sure what that means, I don't know why these women find themselves in these relationships that progressively degrade them, and strip them of their self esteem and sometimes their children. I know there are good men, but that's really not the issue. The issue is why some women are drawn to these men and why do they risk everything for them. Why are they afraid to step out on their own, what are they afraid of? Are they afraid of being alone? Don't they realize they already are? Something happens to these women within their development that causes them to be attracted to these individuals.
I read one article that spoke about women like these being victims of abuse at early ages and contributing to their decisions as adults. The abuse was sexual, physical, emotional and mental, sometimes a combination of all of them and sometimes it was one or the other. but it left them with serious deficits in overcoming. I think it would've been beneficial to me to change my dissertation. Stigmatization of mental illness is fine and it's important, self perceptions of women in the system, in or out of jail, would provide important information that would assist in finding methods of treatment and education for these women. Although, I do know there is research out there and information to be had. I guess I have work to do.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
December 22, 2013;
This is the hardest and most rewarding Christmas I have ever experienced and I can honestly say that I never want another one like this again. My youngest daughter is gone and although I'm dealing with it I'm still unable to talk about it. All I can say with the highest authority is that Meth destroys families, not just individuals. It takes a person and changes everything about them, their core beliefs, their priorities, their values, everything. And...when children, and I mean young adults make decisions that they believe are their own, after all, it's their life not yours (whatever), they are selfish and near sighted to the point of complete blindness. I can tell you that as I have grown I realize the mistakes I have made as a parent and how I have influenced certain behaviors. I can also say that because of those shortcomings I am a much better grandmother and I have grown to realize how our every actions affect our children and grandchildren. They need security and love, that means affection, time and consistency. We have to love them enough to invest our attention and time on them. I didn't always, I was a single parent working 10 hours a day and playing the piano at church. Weekends were for yard work, house cleaning, laundry and cooking. Sunday was for church. I barely made enough to keep food on the table and clothes on their backs. I didn't get food stamps, aide of any kind and little to no child support. After all, he had a new wife and she wanted things. None of that matters, they needed more time and attention, they really did.
The good news is we can go to the cross and lay it before him. He can take all of it and restore everything that was taken and lost and that is my hope, restoration. Not just physical but mental, emotional and spiritual and not just for my children but for my grandchildren.
Kenneth Copeland was speaking one time while I was working and he said we should thank God for all the little grandmothers who sit in their rocking chairs praying for their children and grandchildren. Because without them many of the people sitting in the auditorium listening to his teaching would not be there. Some would have been dead. It's true it is our job to pray for our kids and grandkids, to stand in the gap, put them before God and wage spiritual warfare, on our couches, rocking chairs, recliners, and standing over the stove. In my case it's at the computer and driving to work. Sorry, I still work......probably because I still eat and so do they.
This is the hardest and most rewarding Christmas I have ever experienced and I can honestly say that I never want another one like this again. My youngest daughter is gone and although I'm dealing with it I'm still unable to talk about it. All I can say with the highest authority is that Meth destroys families, not just individuals. It takes a person and changes everything about them, their core beliefs, their priorities, their values, everything. And...when children, and I mean young adults make decisions that they believe are their own, after all, it's their life not yours (whatever), they are selfish and near sighted to the point of complete blindness. I can tell you that as I have grown I realize the mistakes I have made as a parent and how I have influenced certain behaviors. I can also say that because of those shortcomings I am a much better grandmother and I have grown to realize how our every actions affect our children and grandchildren. They need security and love, that means affection, time and consistency. We have to love them enough to invest our attention and time on them. I didn't always, I was a single parent working 10 hours a day and playing the piano at church. Weekends were for yard work, house cleaning, laundry and cooking. Sunday was for church. I barely made enough to keep food on the table and clothes on their backs. I didn't get food stamps, aide of any kind and little to no child support. After all, he had a new wife and she wanted things. None of that matters, they needed more time and attention, they really did.
The good news is we can go to the cross and lay it before him. He can take all of it and restore everything that was taken and lost and that is my hope, restoration. Not just physical but mental, emotional and spiritual and not just for my children but for my grandchildren.
Kenneth Copeland was speaking one time while I was working and he said we should thank God for all the little grandmothers who sit in their rocking chairs praying for their children and grandchildren. Because without them many of the people sitting in the auditorium listening to his teaching would not be there. Some would have been dead. It's true it is our job to pray for our kids and grandkids, to stand in the gap, put them before God and wage spiritual warfare, on our couches, rocking chairs, recliners, and standing over the stove. In my case it's at the computer and driving to work. Sorry, I still work......probably because I still eat and so do they.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
December 17, 2013;
Well I don't know what other people know about phones and their memories but I recently learned that my phone has very limited memory without a SD card and I maxed it out and then it froze. One morning I got up early and I decided to check my facebook and there was an article on Women's Health magazine that I wanted to read so I opened it up and started reading but it froze on the front page. For a moment I thought wouldn't be just awful if it froze on THIS page (I'll tell what page in a moment). But.......I thought naah, that won't happen, that would be ridiculous. Yea.......so...I took my phone to my daughter's room and said can you fix this it won't unfreeze. I got told to take the battery out and it would unfreeze. No. I couldn't even get the battery out I have an Android and it has the tiniest batteries in the universe and obviously I don't have those screw drivers ANYWHERE.
Now I'm thinking oh God it is frozen on this page and WOW now what? So I throw the phone in my purse after I try to unlock it 10 or 20 times with no success. So I go to my friend's house whom I know has tiny screwdrivers because I've fixed my glasses with them. I pull out the screwdrivers and they are all too big. OK now I'm a little worried I have to take this phone into the phone store and show it to some guy OH GOD.
I go into the store and sure enough the guy has to look at it and he tells me no problem he'll have to open it and all the memory will be taken out and he'll put in a SD card for me so it doesn't happen again but.........why am I smiling???? Oh.....cuz it would get stuck on that....so he looks at the phone and smiles......it's ok. Yea right.
10 HEALTH BENEFITS WOMEN EXPERIENCE WITH REGULAR ORGASMS.........great!!!
Well I don't know what other people know about phones and their memories but I recently learned that my phone has very limited memory without a SD card and I maxed it out and then it froze. One morning I got up early and I decided to check my facebook and there was an article on Women's Health magazine that I wanted to read so I opened it up and started reading but it froze on the front page. For a moment I thought wouldn't be just awful if it froze on THIS page (I'll tell what page in a moment). But.......I thought naah, that won't happen, that would be ridiculous. Yea.......so...I took my phone to my daughter's room and said can you fix this it won't unfreeze. I got told to take the battery out and it would unfreeze. No. I couldn't even get the battery out I have an Android and it has the tiniest batteries in the universe and obviously I don't have those screw drivers ANYWHERE.
Now I'm thinking oh God it is frozen on this page and WOW now what? So I throw the phone in my purse after I try to unlock it 10 or 20 times with no success. So I go to my friend's house whom I know has tiny screwdrivers because I've fixed my glasses with them. I pull out the screwdrivers and they are all too big. OK now I'm a little worried I have to take this phone into the phone store and show it to some guy OH GOD.
I go into the store and sure enough the guy has to look at it and he tells me no problem he'll have to open it and all the memory will be taken out and he'll put in a SD card for me so it doesn't happen again but.........why am I smiling???? Oh.....cuz it would get stuck on that....so he looks at the phone and smiles......it's ok. Yea right.
10 HEALTH BENEFITS WOMEN EXPERIENCE WITH REGULAR ORGASMS.........great!!!
Monday, December 9, 2013
December 10, 2013;
I absolutely love my job. All those years of education actually work together to help me understand what's going on in overwhelming situations.....of course only the ones that aren't mine lol. Its easy to look a young couple who are fighting and realize they are kids still and they were even younger adolescents when they met and became pregnant together. Now life has dealt some very stressful events and they don't have the developmental skills to cope with them yet. You can't look at people and say "hey, in about 10 years you will be able to have a better understanding of this situation and you will have more maturity under your belt, so just hang there". Meanwhile they are killing each other.
I actually enjoy the drive up, it's time I get to be alone no one can bother me no one's up and wants to call me. And during this time I can listen to my Bible, sing if I want, listen to anything I want to and just take in the surroundings. It's a beautiful time of year so everything is misty in the early morning and incredibly cold. Even though I'm alone there are so many people on their way to work doing their thing just like me. I just love it.
No one knows me up there and that's so awesome. They judge me by my education and nothing else. When I leave to go to lunch I can go anywhere and sit alone or shop alone and not be disturbed or found or stopped. I'm just alone and it's great!
God surrounds his people with His favor and He has good plans for us with an expected end. So we can actually enjoy the day and expect God to direct our steps and walk us through. It's been a really long time since I got to enjoy work.
I absolutely love my job. All those years of education actually work together to help me understand what's going on in overwhelming situations.....of course only the ones that aren't mine lol. Its easy to look a young couple who are fighting and realize they are kids still and they were even younger adolescents when they met and became pregnant together. Now life has dealt some very stressful events and they don't have the developmental skills to cope with them yet. You can't look at people and say "hey, in about 10 years you will be able to have a better understanding of this situation and you will have more maturity under your belt, so just hang there". Meanwhile they are killing each other.
I actually enjoy the drive up, it's time I get to be alone no one can bother me no one's up and wants to call me. And during this time I can listen to my Bible, sing if I want, listen to anything I want to and just take in the surroundings. It's a beautiful time of year so everything is misty in the early morning and incredibly cold. Even though I'm alone there are so many people on their way to work doing their thing just like me. I just love it.
No one knows me up there and that's so awesome. They judge me by my education and nothing else. When I leave to go to lunch I can go anywhere and sit alone or shop alone and not be disturbed or found or stopped. I'm just alone and it's great!
God surrounds his people with His favor and He has good plans for us with an expected end. So we can actually enjoy the day and expect God to direct our steps and walk us through. It's been a really long time since I got to enjoy work.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
December 8, 2013;
Today was especially hard playing in church. Gloria was my spiritual mother, I always listened to her wisdom and enjoyed worshipping with her. Today as I read the Word in church and took communion the Lord shared with me that when two people have practiced the same faith in God in life, those things are shared through death as well. He explained that the Word is eternal and His communion is sacred and crosses time. Gloria is worshipping and hearing His Word, I hear that same Word and I too am focused on Him together we are part of the great congregation both living and dead eternally spiritual and alive worshipping the Father.
I am grateful that she is in the presence of God and rejoicing, spending time with her mother and father all focused on her one passion Jesus. Every question she ever had is now answered every desire is met she is experiencing joy unspeakable. I do not mourn for her present state since I know its everything she ever wanted. I mourn for my own loss of a spiritual mother who carried my burdens into prayer and fought spiritual warfare on my behalf, what a friend!
She continues to teach me even now.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
December 7, 2013;
One of my closest friends died yesterday. She's the one that was getting on my nerves about the piano playing, really makes that seem quite petty and unimportant. Some how I knew it would. She died alone, no one but the nurse was there. Her family knew she was in the hospital but for reasons I do not understand they were not there for her when she took her last breaths. I found out last night during Bible study and I still don't accept the reality of it. When I found out all that came to me was "yes Gloria I'll play for you Sunday".
Gloria spent a lot of time in prayer, she was gifted in the prophetic and enjoyed, well there was nothing about her faith that she didn't enjoy. What was not as well known about her was her very eloquent writing. She was gifted in the descriptive in such a way that it flowed with poetic depth. She was able to write in a way that was so descriptive you could visualize and experience where she was in her writings. I enjoyed reading her work, it was so good. She was also an excellent cook. She had a way of putting things together in a very tasteful way. And she loved classical music, she would fill her house with it.
Gloria never made her bed, she didn't want to and that would make me laugh. She felt it was unnecessary since she was going to get in it that night. She did the yard work at home. She didn't feel like Mike would do it right so she always did it.
She didn't like pain. Pain of any level, it was something she was afraid of and couldn't handle. It really scared her to be in any pain. She would tell me "I can't handle any pain I don't have a threshold at all for pain". I believe once the bone cancer settled in her back the way it did it scared her. She would talk about her mother's cancer and how she died. She explained that her death was such a painful experience and she didn't want to go out that way. She felt that it would be the worst type of death to experience.
One person told me today that she understood that I felt that she was alone but that Gloria wasn't alone when she passed. She said she was surrounded by God and loved ones and it would have been a very welcoming experience for her.
I have very strong beliefs in this area. I believe that death, very much like birth is a portal between this side and the other side. And during this experience of death and birth the two sides have a merging that takes place for just a little while. Especially during death. In my family it is very important to be surrounded by family while the person is crossing over. Even though God meets you along with loved ones we believe that the loved ones on this side should be part of the process sending the person in peace helping them to make the transition. It is what we have practiced and to be honest it is mostly unspoken and simply expected. So my heart broke when I heard that she had been taken to a hospital out of town and that she had passed about an hour prior without her family, it was so unexpected. However, she had already made a connection with the nurse who cared for her as she does with everyone she comes into contact with and it was her new friend that sat by her side during her passing and I am more than sure her angels and Jesus himself were in the room rejoicing at their new saint's homecoming.
I know she's happy and feeling much better than she did while she was here. I think the mourning is more for the loss of her, maybe more for myself since I will not be able to visit and commune with my friend until I make that journey.
Gloria I love you and will miss you
One of my closest friends died yesterday. She's the one that was getting on my nerves about the piano playing, really makes that seem quite petty and unimportant. Some how I knew it would. She died alone, no one but the nurse was there. Her family knew she was in the hospital but for reasons I do not understand they were not there for her when she took her last breaths. I found out last night during Bible study and I still don't accept the reality of it. When I found out all that came to me was "yes Gloria I'll play for you Sunday".
Gloria spent a lot of time in prayer, she was gifted in the prophetic and enjoyed, well there was nothing about her faith that she didn't enjoy. What was not as well known about her was her very eloquent writing. She was gifted in the descriptive in such a way that it flowed with poetic depth. She was able to write in a way that was so descriptive you could visualize and experience where she was in her writings. I enjoyed reading her work, it was so good. She was also an excellent cook. She had a way of putting things together in a very tasteful way. And she loved classical music, she would fill her house with it.
Gloria never made her bed, she didn't want to and that would make me laugh. She felt it was unnecessary since she was going to get in it that night. She did the yard work at home. She didn't feel like Mike would do it right so she always did it.
She didn't like pain. Pain of any level, it was something she was afraid of and couldn't handle. It really scared her to be in any pain. She would tell me "I can't handle any pain I don't have a threshold at all for pain". I believe once the bone cancer settled in her back the way it did it scared her. She would talk about her mother's cancer and how she died. She explained that her death was such a painful experience and she didn't want to go out that way. She felt that it would be the worst type of death to experience.
One person told me today that she understood that I felt that she was alone but that Gloria wasn't alone when she passed. She said she was surrounded by God and loved ones and it would have been a very welcoming experience for her.
I have very strong beliefs in this area. I believe that death, very much like birth is a portal between this side and the other side. And during this experience of death and birth the two sides have a merging that takes place for just a little while. Especially during death. In my family it is very important to be surrounded by family while the person is crossing over. Even though God meets you along with loved ones we believe that the loved ones on this side should be part of the process sending the person in peace helping them to make the transition. It is what we have practiced and to be honest it is mostly unspoken and simply expected. So my heart broke when I heard that she had been taken to a hospital out of town and that she had passed about an hour prior without her family, it was so unexpected. However, she had already made a connection with the nurse who cared for her as she does with everyone she comes into contact with and it was her new friend that sat by her side during her passing and I am more than sure her angels and Jesus himself were in the room rejoicing at their new saint's homecoming.
I know she's happy and feeling much better than she did while she was here. I think the mourning is more for the loss of her, maybe more for myself since I will not be able to visit and commune with my friend until I make that journey.
Gloria I love you and will miss you
Friday, December 6, 2013
December 6, 2013;
I'm exhausted. The new job is an adventure I'm excited for all the training and the experience I think it'll be a real challenge. Meanwhile the drive is probably the most eventful part of the day I worked and actually still work agriculture so I know the surrounding farms and the harvest company that's picking the cotton. I can say in all honesty that I miss them. The drive is pretty and I choose to listen to an audio of my Bible readings, to be completely candid it isn't because I'm so religious and I'm so spiritual it's really to stay in tune with God and keep myself focused and centered on Christ. See, I'm not really a nice person I can be very sarcastic and to the point. I've never yelled at anyone or said mean things I just won't give you the time of day. And judgmental??? I am the queen of Judgmental Land. I'm one of those live and let live people and sometimes if I really don't like a person I'm one of those live and let die people. It's just that if I don't feel you're worth my time I won't give it to you, yea real charitable, real caring. Of course these are the secret thoughts and attitudes I have, I work very hard at not showing it........but somehow people say I have a way of carrying myself that makes people feel that I think I'm better than everyone else. Truth is I'm so insecure that I hide behind the façade. So as you can see I'm as screwed up as anyone else so.........yea I listen to the audible Bible on my way up, I study Proverbs I listen to Joseph Prince and I pray a whole lot. It takes all of that to allow the Holy Spirit to work through me so that I'm not so vile I repel people.
I could have one of those blogs where I tell you sweet stories and everything is flowery and pretty and I really like those I read those I enjoy the art, the recipes, the do it yourself projects and the women who write them, I always wanted to be like them, and I enjoy do it yourself projects, gardening, love cooking and painting but I couldn't put a blog together like that to save my life. And it wouldn't be me my life is to messy and too busy and I work too hard on my education.
I can only imagine my life without God in it. I tend to be depressed so I'm sure I'd be very depressed and more than likely on some sort of medication. I made horrible choices in the area of men and without God teaching me and showing me where my weaknesses are and where my standards should be I'm sure I'd continue in the same patterns. God has allowed the person He created, the person He had designs for to begin to come to the surface. He has brought it forth without Him I'd probably be on another marriage and divorce and miserable. He gives me joy unspeakable.
On my drives in the morning I experience Him and I enjoy Him and He fills me with peace. Besides all of that He goes ahead of me and plans my day, He makes the crooked places straight and surrounds me with His favor. I don't have to fear anymore and trust me I feared all the time that even if things were good for a while it would only be temporary. I don't have to worry about that anymore because He promises good to me.
You know I don't worry anymore whether or not I'm going to find someone to spend my life with? I don't worry about not being able to go places or do things anymore I know He has plans for me and He supplies all of my needs and He will be my provider and my comforter. But it's because of Him in the natural I'm just not so nice or pleasant. Thank God He loved me first!
I'm exhausted. The new job is an adventure I'm excited for all the training and the experience I think it'll be a real challenge. Meanwhile the drive is probably the most eventful part of the day I worked and actually still work agriculture so I know the surrounding farms and the harvest company that's picking the cotton. I can say in all honesty that I miss them. The drive is pretty and I choose to listen to an audio of my Bible readings, to be completely candid it isn't because I'm so religious and I'm so spiritual it's really to stay in tune with God and keep myself focused and centered on Christ. See, I'm not really a nice person I can be very sarcastic and to the point. I've never yelled at anyone or said mean things I just won't give you the time of day. And judgmental??? I am the queen of Judgmental Land. I'm one of those live and let live people and sometimes if I really don't like a person I'm one of those live and let die people. It's just that if I don't feel you're worth my time I won't give it to you, yea real charitable, real caring. Of course these are the secret thoughts and attitudes I have, I work very hard at not showing it........but somehow people say I have a way of carrying myself that makes people feel that I think I'm better than everyone else. Truth is I'm so insecure that I hide behind the façade. So as you can see I'm as screwed up as anyone else so.........yea I listen to the audible Bible on my way up, I study Proverbs I listen to Joseph Prince and I pray a whole lot. It takes all of that to allow the Holy Spirit to work through me so that I'm not so vile I repel people.
I could have one of those blogs where I tell you sweet stories and everything is flowery and pretty and I really like those I read those I enjoy the art, the recipes, the do it yourself projects and the women who write them, I always wanted to be like them, and I enjoy do it yourself projects, gardening, love cooking and painting but I couldn't put a blog together like that to save my life. And it wouldn't be me my life is to messy and too busy and I work too hard on my education.
I can only imagine my life without God in it. I tend to be depressed so I'm sure I'd be very depressed and more than likely on some sort of medication. I made horrible choices in the area of men and without God teaching me and showing me where my weaknesses are and where my standards should be I'm sure I'd continue in the same patterns. God has allowed the person He created, the person He had designs for to begin to come to the surface. He has brought it forth without Him I'd probably be on another marriage and divorce and miserable. He gives me joy unspeakable.
On my drives in the morning I experience Him and I enjoy Him and He fills me with peace. Besides all of that He goes ahead of me and plans my day, He makes the crooked places straight and surrounds me with His favor. I don't have to fear anymore and trust me I feared all the time that even if things were good for a while it would only be temporary. I don't have to worry about that anymore because He promises good to me.
You know I don't worry anymore whether or not I'm going to find someone to spend my life with? I don't worry about not being able to go places or do things anymore I know He has plans for me and He supplies all of my needs and He will be my provider and my comforter. But it's because of Him in the natural I'm just not so nice or pleasant. Thank God He loved me first!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
December 3, 2013;
I'm exhausted, I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm so tired. I found out this morning that the person who helped me my first day wasn't supposed to tell me the things she told me and the office manager was flipping out. Of course the office manager was in meetings all day and gave no directions for my first day, but still that poor girl got it. I felt so responsible for her dilemma but I didn't know either. Then it was explained to me in the beginning that she would be training me and she text me early this morning to let me know she wasn't going in since she was on call. So I told the office manager I wasn't coming in but I would work on the training modules at home. Wrong.......and yet no one told me anything. By the end of the conversation the office manager was apologizing for the disorganization and lack of communication and promised it really wasn't this way on a regular basis????? Then to top it off I found out the clinic is in an old mortuary building, the kitchen was redone from a prep room. Now you would think that would have bothered me but I've played piano all of my life and so there were funerals to play for and I would have to go set up while they were putting the makeup on the person and preparing them for the viewing......I never thought much of it, maybe I should have lol.
I'm not really sure what to make of it all but I would like to give it my best shot and cooperate. On the home front the psychiatrist increased my daughter's medication and it sent her blood pressure plummeting.....dizzy when she gets up, very tired, can barely move. We took it and yup too much medication. I told her to back off to the old dosage until her next meeting so I'm hoping tomorrow morning will show improvements, however, I won't be around to see it....alrighty then.
My friend got into our dissertation program, she finally found a chair. I'm so excited for her, I'm excited for me since she had become so depressed because she had written so many instructors and received nothing but refusals and she wasn't answering my texts, depressing. So now she's back in the saddle and I'm excited!!!!!
My youngest whom I have been praying for is beginning to see signs of a miracle in her situation. She was upset and began telling me, "but mom doesn't He know how much pain, heartache and suffering I have been going through this year? It's not fair that after all of this it's just going to go away, I've been through hell!" I told her yea but what would've happened without the prayer and Word going up. How horrible could it have been without God intervening, better to be grateful than get mad because He didn't show up when you thought He should have. Learn something!!!!! God shows up when He's supposed to not when we think he should. Honestly I don't even know why I go through the things I go through but I always come out better than when I went in.
I feel like my life has been so intense I would just like to go to a Beach Boys concert and party with friends. I always think that falling in love would be awesome with the right person....then I think when would I find time?????? Go figure lol!
I'm exhausted, I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm so tired. I found out this morning that the person who helped me my first day wasn't supposed to tell me the things she told me and the office manager was flipping out. Of course the office manager was in meetings all day and gave no directions for my first day, but still that poor girl got it. I felt so responsible for her dilemma but I didn't know either. Then it was explained to me in the beginning that she would be training me and she text me early this morning to let me know she wasn't going in since she was on call. So I told the office manager I wasn't coming in but I would work on the training modules at home. Wrong.......and yet no one told me anything. By the end of the conversation the office manager was apologizing for the disorganization and lack of communication and promised it really wasn't this way on a regular basis????? Then to top it off I found out the clinic is in an old mortuary building, the kitchen was redone from a prep room. Now you would think that would have bothered me but I've played piano all of my life and so there were funerals to play for and I would have to go set up while they were putting the makeup on the person and preparing them for the viewing......I never thought much of it, maybe I should have lol.
I'm not really sure what to make of it all but I would like to give it my best shot and cooperate. On the home front the psychiatrist increased my daughter's medication and it sent her blood pressure plummeting.....dizzy when she gets up, very tired, can barely move. We took it and yup too much medication. I told her to back off to the old dosage until her next meeting so I'm hoping tomorrow morning will show improvements, however, I won't be around to see it....alrighty then.
My friend got into our dissertation program, she finally found a chair. I'm so excited for her, I'm excited for me since she had become so depressed because she had written so many instructors and received nothing but refusals and she wasn't answering my texts, depressing. So now she's back in the saddle and I'm excited!!!!!
My youngest whom I have been praying for is beginning to see signs of a miracle in her situation. She was upset and began telling me, "but mom doesn't He know how much pain, heartache and suffering I have been going through this year? It's not fair that after all of this it's just going to go away, I've been through hell!" I told her yea but what would've happened without the prayer and Word going up. How horrible could it have been without God intervening, better to be grateful than get mad because He didn't show up when you thought He should have. Learn something!!!!! God shows up when He's supposed to not when we think he should. Honestly I don't even know why I go through the things I go through but I always come out better than when I went in.
I feel like my life has been so intense I would just like to go to a Beach Boys concert and party with friends. I always think that falling in love would be awesome with the right person....then I think when would I find time?????? Go figure lol!
Monday, December 2, 2013
December 2, 2013;
First day on my new job.....weird. I have more education than anyone there and to me that's weird. The building has been refurbished from an old mortuary. The people are very nice, they were very welcoming and open. It's my first opportunity for clinician work and I really need it. But I miss my job in the mornings so I'll be glad to get back to my morning routine.
Meanwhile the girls are having a hard time adjusting to my new schedule but they'll get used to it. I'm lonely, probably more lonely than I was before. I feel like I'm wandering in the wilderness alone so I have to remember God is with me every step of the way. I've always combated my loneliness with busyness. I would work myself into the ground just to stay busy and focused. Focused so that I didn't slow down enough to realize I was lonely. I've always been lonely to a certain extent sometimes more than others but I know this is a good thing for me to experience and learn. I hope I can provide a positive service and leave behind good relations with the various agencies I will be in contact with. I also hope to develop positive relationships with the people I work with they seem very nice. The young girl training me has only been there since September and she tries so hard and remains very professional but she's very sweet.
I was close to one person but it was only allowed when they wanted the closeness, when I needed closeness it was I was told to focus and look forward instead of behind. You talk about a relationship that left a person wanting....that was no joke. Lonely in a relationship is the worst feeling ever.
God fills the need though and he will see me through the adjustment period and as the Word says He will give me the desires of my heart.
First day on my new job.....weird. I have more education than anyone there and to me that's weird. The building has been refurbished from an old mortuary. The people are very nice, they were very welcoming and open. It's my first opportunity for clinician work and I really need it. But I miss my job in the mornings so I'll be glad to get back to my morning routine.
Meanwhile the girls are having a hard time adjusting to my new schedule but they'll get used to it. I'm lonely, probably more lonely than I was before. I feel like I'm wandering in the wilderness alone so I have to remember God is with me every step of the way. I've always combated my loneliness with busyness. I would work myself into the ground just to stay busy and focused. Focused so that I didn't slow down enough to realize I was lonely. I've always been lonely to a certain extent sometimes more than others but I know this is a good thing for me to experience and learn. I hope I can provide a positive service and leave behind good relations with the various agencies I will be in contact with. I also hope to develop positive relationships with the people I work with they seem very nice. The young girl training me has only been there since September and she tries so hard and remains very professional but she's very sweet.
I was close to one person but it was only allowed when they wanted the closeness, when I needed closeness it was I was told to focus and look forward instead of behind. You talk about a relationship that left a person wanting....that was no joke. Lonely in a relationship is the worst feeling ever.
God fills the need though and he will see me through the adjustment period and as the Word says He will give me the desires of my heart.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
December 1, 2013;
Tomorrow is a big day for me I start my new job while still working my old one. And apparently Gloria is not going to play the piano and she is not going to call and cancel...so I'm playing. And tomorrow I start my dissertation course class. Now I'm very excited about that it's been the direction I have worked towards and now its here. There isn't a negative in the bunch I just want to do well. It appears that my direction is working within crisis intervention and the care mental health patients receive during these times. It's a work close to my heart and one I'm very passionate about. At the same time its the subject of my dissertation so it would appear that God is working everything in that direction. I'm not completely sure what he's doing but whatever it is I'm going with Him.
My friend is finally having her dream come true she will be teaching an in depth study on Acts for the first time. She has always wanted to do this and she's so good and has so much information I know I'll be going. The Word says that He will give us the desires of our hearts and I am seeing some miracles take place and hearts desires come true.
As I see God working and things unfolding I realize that I have a problem receiving from God. I have worked hard all of my life and I think that I fully believed I would always work hard without much expectation of good. So now watching God bless me I realize that receiving is very difficult for me and I'm wondering how many blessings I have not received from God simply because I refused to receive. When he starts making things better I almost become afraid and yet the Word tells us that he teaches us to prosper, he prospers us. So weird. I never realized that I was sabotaging myself and if I can't believe God to give me good things how could I ever expect good things from a man? How could I have any expectations of a relationship of any kind if I can't believe that I am able to expect good things from God?
Well I'm excited things are about to change for me.
Tomorrow is a big day for me I start my new job while still working my old one. And apparently Gloria is not going to play the piano and she is not going to call and cancel...so I'm playing. And tomorrow I start my dissertation course class. Now I'm very excited about that it's been the direction I have worked towards and now its here. There isn't a negative in the bunch I just want to do well. It appears that my direction is working within crisis intervention and the care mental health patients receive during these times. It's a work close to my heart and one I'm very passionate about. At the same time its the subject of my dissertation so it would appear that God is working everything in that direction. I'm not completely sure what he's doing but whatever it is I'm going with Him.
My friend is finally having her dream come true she will be teaching an in depth study on Acts for the first time. She has always wanted to do this and she's so good and has so much information I know I'll be going. The Word says that He will give us the desires of our hearts and I am seeing some miracles take place and hearts desires come true.
As I see God working and things unfolding I realize that I have a problem receiving from God. I have worked hard all of my life and I think that I fully believed I would always work hard without much expectation of good. So now watching God bless me I realize that receiving is very difficult for me and I'm wondering how many blessings I have not received from God simply because I refused to receive. When he starts making things better I almost become afraid and yet the Word tells us that he teaches us to prosper, he prospers us. So weird. I never realized that I was sabotaging myself and if I can't believe God to give me good things how could I ever expect good things from a man? How could I have any expectations of a relationship of any kind if I can't believe that I am able to expect good things from God?
Well I'm excited things are about to change for me.
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