December 25, 2013;

One of the most important days of the year.  I spent Christmas eve shopping and shopping like the rest of the world and then two Christmas services in the evening.  The last service I was dragging, I almost forgot what I was doing, just tired.  Then dinner at the in-laws (my daughter's in-laws) I hit the bed after midnight. 

Today, cooking and cooking and cleaning up after people and............. now that I think about it holidays kind of suck lol.  I spent time visiting with my youngest she's doing much better.  She has clarity and focus and sounds very good.  It's been a long time since she has sounded this good I feel like I have her more now than I have in years....very ironic. 

For years I wondered why all the jobs I ever applied for seemed out of reach or I never heard anything.  Now I have jobs being offered to me and its all new to me.  I really like the job I recently took, it's a crisis clinician, it's kind of like being a mother to my children.  To my children particularly.  I've seen a lot of dysfunctional behavior and crisis situations so when I see these people they pretty much say the same things my kids or their friends have said a million times before.  I wish I could do more than I do.  I believe my community needs a program specifically for domestic violence victims and their families since that area seems to encompass a wide range of problems.  I need to spend more time on the computer researching other programs within the state and begin to look for avenues.  Meanwhile, I work and gain focus on my dissertation which for a while feels very disconnected.  I'm sure it's the holidays and my family. 

I did some research on women within the legal system and the major causes and it was revealed that many women who found themselves in the prison system were there because of a relationship with a man.  Either they were doing something for him, with him, he was doing something to them and they reacted or the man left the woman with kids and she found herself uneducated, unemployed, too many kids and not enough money.  I'm not quite sure what that means, I don't know why these women find themselves in these relationships that progressively degrade them, and strip them of their self esteem and sometimes their children.  I know there are good men, but that's really not the issue.  The issue is why some women are drawn to these men and why do they risk everything for them.  Why are they afraid to step out on their own, what are they afraid of?  Are they afraid of being alone?  Don't they realize they already are?  Something happens to these women within their development that causes them to be attracted to these individuals. 

I read one article that spoke about women like these being victims of abuse at early ages and contributing to their decisions as adults.  The abuse was sexual, physical, emotional and mental, sometimes a combination of all of them and sometimes it was one or the other.  but it left them with serious deficits in overcoming.  I think it would've been beneficial to me to change my dissertation.  Stigmatization of mental illness is fine and it's important, self perceptions of women in the system, in or out of jail, would provide important information that would assist in finding methods of treatment and education for these women.  Although, I do know there is research out there and information to be had.  I guess I have work to do.