June 14, 2015

I finally took a look at all of my posts from the previous months and I've definitely experienced a lot as I'm sure many people do. Its illuminating examining yourself and seeing where you've been.  I feel like I've been through several tornadoes, you know the ones that level towns and leave all buildings in its path leveled to the ground.

I left a relationship that meant volumes to me I can't even say how much but I had to.  I didn't mean volumes to the other person and I fought it for a long time.  I chose to believe better of the person I chose to look past a lot of things but I finally took stock of the damage it was doing to me and realized it wasn't fair to either person.  He was never going to be the person I idealized and made him up to be.  You can't blame people for being who they are but you can blame yourself for not paying attention.  And you can blame yourself for putting unrealistic expectations by trying to make them be people they are not.  When they don't have to give what you need, or they are not the person you want them to be.  It is what it is and when I finally looked at it at face value I realized it never was what I thought it was.  Noone's fault, just the truth.

Moving on I have realized that I get to do whatever I want with the rest of my life.  I have to stop looking at what other people are doing and getting jealous but I have to decide that I'm going to go after what I want to do and take the necessary steps to achieve those goals.  Now I have to figure out what those goals are geeezzzz you would think after all these years and education I would know exactly what I want to do and yet I still struggle with that.  I know I want to teach college in the classroom where you can actually interact with the students lol.  I want to empower women to live successfully and happy.  And really I want to travel, lots of travel.  Hmmmm.