June 21, 2015

Father's Day.  I never really thought about Father's Day.  I didn't have a father from the time I was two.  There were men in and out of my mother's life but none of them even wanted to be a father with the exception of the one man that wanted an inappropriate relationship with me.  I had a grandfather, he was wonderful but as I grew up I realized that we were not an affectionate family.  We hugged a couple of times that I can remember but there were no kisses......ever.  And my grandfather made it clear that by taking care of us it was implied that they loved us, probably because after his mother died his father shipped him off to a catholic school to become a priest.  So maybe that was the ultimate expression of love to him.  He was a very generous man and always happy.  He never yelled that I remember and he never raised his hand to me.  We went camping, he taught me to hunt, we had pools, bikes skates, balls, Disneyland, Knotts Berry Farm, trips to the mountains and trips to the ocean.  There were parties at the house and plenty of friends.

But I never thought about God as my father and provider until the last few years.  And I never talked about everything with Him until this last year.  I never understood that He had a vested interest in me, that there were promises in the Bible that pertained to my life and that when I felt as though I couldn't believe or count on anyone I could count on Him.  With the exception of my grandfather my relationships with men that were part of my mother's life were always negative.  And I say my mother's life because for the most part I chose to stay with my grandparents.  I also have to say that my relationships with men in my life have been less than optimal.  So I never felt safe enough to trust that what was said was true since most of the time it wasn't and it didn't matter whether or not the person was a christian.  My most recent friendship made that extremely clear and so needless to say I really didn't believe that trusting God for my provision was an option.  Now I realize it really isn't prerequisite for His faithfulness because even though I never believed I could ask Him for that provision he provided anyway..  actually I realize that he kept me from harms way and removed me from situations as protection for me.  So even when I didn't believe He would...He did.  I see His hand in every area of my life now more than ever and I can say that as fathers go He proves on a daily basis that He is the best.

I have to say that because of my past, people have termed me a "man hater".  Not true.  I know good men, men who are integral, honest, hardworking and loyal people who I admire and call friends.  I haven't met that one person for me and I don't know that I ever will but I trust God has it under control.