April 30, 2013;
Ladies always be very slow to sleep with someone no matter how much flattery is involved and especially if you've been given this person's past history and profile. Do not buy into their slimy sweet talk it's a poison that will go into your brain and grow like a cancer.
It's really not their fault, they're just doing what they've gotten away with forever, they're trying. They try and they try and they try. Honestly, I believe they get high just from the chase, and I believe that if you let them almost get there and they fail it's like an aphrodiatiac to them. But don't sleep with them. Definitely, do not tell them anything, not I love you (and they'll beg for that one), I like you, I want to see you, nothing. Limit your comments to hmm, oh really, I see, that's funny, ur funny and finally,I have to go now.
Guys like these are interested in one thing, repeatedly and with different people. I think it's referred to as sports fucking.
However, if you'll wait it out, string them along and just play for a while (mind you, it's out of shear boredom) they show their true colors and pretty soon you'll hear how they brought one of your friends a present, a small trinket, but still a token. Luckily, for you, it never really mattered since you never gave them what they were after and trust me they'll tell you anything they think you'd like to hear i.e., I love you, I'm in love with you, I want the whole package, I want to marry you (here's where they are in complete desperation) I miss you so much, I just want to see you. Blah blah, blah. What I haven't quite figured out is how many people (and I say people because you really don't know if they go both ways) they are doing this with at the same time.
Now, if you bored (which I often times become, I think I have a little ADD) then you can be polite, vague and very very general with them. If you're not hanging up on them, then they think ahah! she likes me. Not really, just bored, and you can choose to listen to them for a while, it won't last long, they're not that smart, but it's like any sitcom on TV it's entertainment for a minute.
Of course if you're working on your doctorate in psychology it's studying human nature, which is always productive LOL.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
April 30, 2013;
If there was one thing, well maybe two things that were key to living a successful life I believe they would be 1) live with the expectation of the miraculous from God and 2) do the obvious.
The first one because to live any other way is to live without hope and that is just too much for me. There are way too many people in your life that would be more than willing to lie to you, stab you in the back and tell you just exactly how bad you are and your future is. Have you ever noticed if you dare to ask someone (which by the way you should never do) what's wrong with me? Why does it always turn out this way? blah blah blah, Then, you'll have a friend who is more than willing to "help you out" and tell you exactly (without leaving any important details of course) what's wrong with you. Really? So I'm that bad, my life is hopeless, this is why bad things happen to me, I'm just not worth the dirt I walk on. Okay, so don't do that. Live your life knowing that God really loves you and he's very excited to work in your life to your benefit always. Is there anyone else in our lives who are willing to dedicate themselves to our betterment (that is without getting something in return) no. Wake up each day knowing that God has something really good out there for you to experience. We can't do anything about what happened yesterday, no matter how hard we try it happened, time passed, it's over, move on.
Do the obvious! Maan, sometimes we get up in the morning and we just don't know what direction we're supposed to go in. Monday through Friday are usually easy and if you have a commute it's even easier because that will take up even more time. But....Saturday and Sunday, what to do, what to do. Do the obvious. The Lord has certain things we're supposed to do on a daily basis, things we know we are supposed to be doing. We may not want to but we know we are supposed to. Well, you may not be able to solve world hunger, remodel your house in a day, get that phd in an hour but there are things you are supposed to do. DO THEM. And if you have procrastinated doing something, like signing up for school, or volunteering, or whatever, do them. The ant does the obvious, he moves one granule at a time to the new location. That's his job, that's what he's supposed to do. Before you know it there is entire colony built. And that's how it goes.
Everything else will fall in line, it will. We finally have to make a decision to quit looking at the wake of devastation that was left behind us. Keep looking forward.
If there was one thing, well maybe two things that were key to living a successful life I believe they would be 1) live with the expectation of the miraculous from God and 2) do the obvious.
The first one because to live any other way is to live without hope and that is just too much for me. There are way too many people in your life that would be more than willing to lie to you, stab you in the back and tell you just exactly how bad you are and your future is. Have you ever noticed if you dare to ask someone (which by the way you should never do) what's wrong with me? Why does it always turn out this way? blah blah blah, Then, you'll have a friend who is more than willing to "help you out" and tell you exactly (without leaving any important details of course) what's wrong with you. Really? So I'm that bad, my life is hopeless, this is why bad things happen to me, I'm just not worth the dirt I walk on. Okay, so don't do that. Live your life knowing that God really loves you and he's very excited to work in your life to your benefit always. Is there anyone else in our lives who are willing to dedicate themselves to our betterment (that is without getting something in return) no. Wake up each day knowing that God has something really good out there for you to experience. We can't do anything about what happened yesterday, no matter how hard we try it happened, time passed, it's over, move on.
Do the obvious! Maan, sometimes we get up in the morning and we just don't know what direction we're supposed to go in. Monday through Friday are usually easy and if you have a commute it's even easier because that will take up even more time. But....Saturday and Sunday, what to do, what to do. Do the obvious. The Lord has certain things we're supposed to do on a daily basis, things we know we are supposed to be doing. We may not want to but we know we are supposed to. Well, you may not be able to solve world hunger, remodel your house in a day, get that phd in an hour but there are things you are supposed to do. DO THEM. And if you have procrastinated doing something, like signing up for school, or volunteering, or whatever, do them. The ant does the obvious, he moves one granule at a time to the new location. That's his job, that's what he's supposed to do. Before you know it there is entire colony built. And that's how it goes.
Everything else will fall in line, it will. We finally have to make a decision to quit looking at the wake of devastation that was left behind us. Keep looking forward.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
April 27, 2013;
Life is one hundred different sized empty pots and containers all in one house. Different needs and all different sizes, all of them important and yet some of them requiring more help than others. And they're all ours, in our house, under our roof waiting to be filled. Left to our own devices these empty pots will sit in our homes, get in our way, keep us from getting where we need to go, blocking our way and totally annoying us. Actually, those empty containers represent everything unfinished with needs we are unable to fill on our own. So we spend our time trying to walk around them, move them out of our way, but when you move one aside it just creates that same need in a different spot. So really, nothing gets accomplished and you continue to get more frustrated. Then you have friends over and they ask about the pots and containers, so you tell them one by one, and your friend tells you, oh well don't worry about it it'll take care of itself, or maybe they'll tell you to throw it out since it's empty anyway and basically in the way.
Left to ourselves our resources are limited and our needs are huge. Some of us don't even have enough pots in our home to fill in order to have enough resources to fill our needs and some of us have so many problems or empty pots there is no way we would ever have enough resources to ever fill them.
So, we find ourselves at the end of ourselves cornered by unmet needs with no way to meet them.
In the old testament there was an old woman who had a cruse of oil. She was about to use the last of it to make a cake for herself and her son and then they were going to die. There was nothing left, they owed money to people and there was no way out. Elijah happened along and came to the old woman who told him her story. He told her to give him her last cake, which of course was her last meal. She did. He told her to gather as many pots of all sizes as she could from every neighbor possible and put them in her house. Then he told her to take her cruse of oil go inside close the door and begin to pour out oil from that cruse until there was no more. She did. She filled every pot to the full. She paid every debt she had and she had oil overflowing in her home. There was plenty for her and her son to live on.
God filled every single pot she found to the full. She went inside by herself and closed the door and did what she was told. What if she hadn't? What if she had allowed people to watch her and tell her things like "that will never happen" "the oil is running out, there's not enough" "old woman why are you listening to an old prophet". Do you think as she saw the oil pour into each pot and she was by herself that her faith welled up inside her? There was noone there to tell her any different, and as she obeyed, the oil poured until every need was met to the full with plenty left over.
The first thing that woman did was to express her need to the old prophet, when she did that she obeyed what he told her to do and that included giving away her last morsal of food as an act of faith. He didn't tell her give me the cake and then I'll help you, he just said give me the cake. He then told her to get pots, as many as you can and she did. Step by step she obeyed the Lord, without knowing what the result would be.
However, above that God is a big God, our needs are many small and large, and he will fill every single one of them to the full and overflow. All of our pots need to be filled, all at once and our God showed her in that story that he would fill every single pot she could find, she could not outdo God's supply for her.
It isn't necessary for us to tell everyone our problems, it's important that we bring all of our pots to him, close the door and do what he says, step by step and he will fill every single pot we have to overflow.
Life is one hundred different sized empty pots and containers all in one house. Different needs and all different sizes, all of them important and yet some of them requiring more help than others. And they're all ours, in our house, under our roof waiting to be filled. Left to our own devices these empty pots will sit in our homes, get in our way, keep us from getting where we need to go, blocking our way and totally annoying us. Actually, those empty containers represent everything unfinished with needs we are unable to fill on our own. So we spend our time trying to walk around them, move them out of our way, but when you move one aside it just creates that same need in a different spot. So really, nothing gets accomplished and you continue to get more frustrated. Then you have friends over and they ask about the pots and containers, so you tell them one by one, and your friend tells you, oh well don't worry about it it'll take care of itself, or maybe they'll tell you to throw it out since it's empty anyway and basically in the way.
Left to ourselves our resources are limited and our needs are huge. Some of us don't even have enough pots in our home to fill in order to have enough resources to fill our needs and some of us have so many problems or empty pots there is no way we would ever have enough resources to ever fill them.
So, we find ourselves at the end of ourselves cornered by unmet needs with no way to meet them.
In the old testament there was an old woman who had a cruse of oil. She was about to use the last of it to make a cake for herself and her son and then they were going to die. There was nothing left, they owed money to people and there was no way out. Elijah happened along and came to the old woman who told him her story. He told her to give him her last cake, which of course was her last meal. She did. He told her to gather as many pots of all sizes as she could from every neighbor possible and put them in her house. Then he told her to take her cruse of oil go inside close the door and begin to pour out oil from that cruse until there was no more. She did. She filled every pot to the full. She paid every debt she had and she had oil overflowing in her home. There was plenty for her and her son to live on.
God filled every single pot she found to the full. She went inside by herself and closed the door and did what she was told. What if she hadn't? What if she had allowed people to watch her and tell her things like "that will never happen" "the oil is running out, there's not enough" "old woman why are you listening to an old prophet". Do you think as she saw the oil pour into each pot and she was by herself that her faith welled up inside her? There was noone there to tell her any different, and as she obeyed, the oil poured until every need was met to the full with plenty left over.
The first thing that woman did was to express her need to the old prophet, when she did that she obeyed what he told her to do and that included giving away her last morsal of food as an act of faith. He didn't tell her give me the cake and then I'll help you, he just said give me the cake. He then told her to get pots, as many as you can and she did. Step by step she obeyed the Lord, without knowing what the result would be.
However, above that God is a big God, our needs are many small and large, and he will fill every single one of them to the full and overflow. All of our pots need to be filled, all at once and our God showed her in that story that he would fill every single pot she could find, she could not outdo God's supply for her.
It isn't necessary for us to tell everyone our problems, it's important that we bring all of our pots to him, close the door and do what he says, step by step and he will fill every single pot we have to overflow.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
April 25, 2013
I had a meeting yesterday. I won't say with who however, the gentleman wasn't from here and had that wonderful title "consultant" on his business card. Now, I have nothing against consultants, I have nothing against men with business cards. I really don't have anything against men, self centered patronizing men may get on my nerves but I don't have to take them home so it's really no big deal. They're kinda like flies, buzzing around, making noise, justing annoying you.
Anyway, I had this meeting and I won't say what it was about, however, what I found out was that what it was about didn't interest the person I was having the meeting with. He was very knowledgable about how much he made, where he lived and what the socioeconomic status of his neighborhood was. I think it was supposed to interest me, but all I could see was an older man who had learned the art of......, actually he really didn't learn the art because all he really did was expose himself.
Kids do that. they talk and talk and talk until they're actually telling on themselves. Adults are like that too, if you let them they just keep talking until you have a pretty clear picture of their character.
So what I found out about this guy was that he has floated around, he enjoys hobknobbing and going to various events. He's older so he takes what I would term temporary "gigs" as a way to supplement his retirement nest. He practices using the correct terminology so that you think he's very well informed, but if you pin him down on a topic he doesn't know as much as he wants you to think. But his main concern appears to be the expensive neighborhood he lives in and his lifestyle.
I'm not quite sure how to maneveuver within a situation like that other than to smile, listen, comment occasionally and get the hell out of there. Unfortunately, I don't have a great deal of patience for plastic people, I'm not quite sure how I feel about committees and forming them. Committees represent everything I hold disdainful. They sit around a table jawjack and accomplish??? I'm not sure. I believe in getting to work, just dig in and work. Apparently the world doesn't work this way, they meet, they talk, they begin to publicize, they meet again and hopefully down the road somewhere, something gets done by someone.
So, I'm working on meeting with a couple of other people and getting some advice on how to proceed from here. Mr. socioeconomically correct was more interested in where the local tennis court was. Luckily to his surprise I knew where they were (it's really hard) and hooked him up with a couple of people I know who play. Now, I'm sneaky, of course I hooked him up with people who will size him up and let me know what they think. He doesn't know that, he doesn't need to. I need to know, since Mr. consultant may be here for a while and I plan on going forward with my work and I somehow have to get passed his air of plascticity and hopefully find some beneficial substance.
We'll see.
I had a meeting yesterday. I won't say with who however, the gentleman wasn't from here and had that wonderful title "consultant" on his business card. Now, I have nothing against consultants, I have nothing against men with business cards. I really don't have anything against men, self centered patronizing men may get on my nerves but I don't have to take them home so it's really no big deal. They're kinda like flies, buzzing around, making noise, justing annoying you.
Anyway, I had this meeting and I won't say what it was about, however, what I found out was that what it was about didn't interest the person I was having the meeting with. He was very knowledgable about how much he made, where he lived and what the socioeconomic status of his neighborhood was. I think it was supposed to interest me, but all I could see was an older man who had learned the art of......, actually he really didn't learn the art because all he really did was expose himself.
Kids do that. they talk and talk and talk until they're actually telling on themselves. Adults are like that too, if you let them they just keep talking until you have a pretty clear picture of their character.
So what I found out about this guy was that he has floated around, he enjoys hobknobbing and going to various events. He's older so he takes what I would term temporary "gigs" as a way to supplement his retirement nest. He practices using the correct terminology so that you think he's very well informed, but if you pin him down on a topic he doesn't know as much as he wants you to think. But his main concern appears to be the expensive neighborhood he lives in and his lifestyle.
I'm not quite sure how to maneveuver within a situation like that other than to smile, listen, comment occasionally and get the hell out of there. Unfortunately, I don't have a great deal of patience for plastic people, I'm not quite sure how I feel about committees and forming them. Committees represent everything I hold disdainful. They sit around a table jawjack and accomplish??? I'm not sure. I believe in getting to work, just dig in and work. Apparently the world doesn't work this way, they meet, they talk, they begin to publicize, they meet again and hopefully down the road somewhere, something gets done by someone.
So, I'm working on meeting with a couple of other people and getting some advice on how to proceed from here. Mr. socioeconomically correct was more interested in where the local tennis court was. Luckily to his surprise I knew where they were (it's really hard) and hooked him up with a couple of people I know who play. Now, I'm sneaky, of course I hooked him up with people who will size him up and let me know what they think. He doesn't know that, he doesn't need to. I need to know, since Mr. consultant may be here for a while and I plan on going forward with my work and I somehow have to get passed his air of plascticity and hopefully find some beneficial substance.
We'll see.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
April 23, 2013;
Have you every had fear grip you. In the pit of your stomach fear that made your head swim, your heart pound and take your breath away. Sometimes there are obstacles within our paths that are so overwhelming, we just know it's going to swallow us alive and we're never going to be happy again. Life will not return to the mundane and regular routine of mediocrity again. Where we find ourselves in a situation in which we have not idea who our friends and enemies are, there's no where to turn, no one that you dare to listen to since they will all pretend to have the answers, be your friend, or just plain know more than you do and are more than willing to sit in front of you and just shake their heads.
My days have turned into a dust storm of this type of existence. However, there are things I know, I know I serve a big God and I know I have his favor. And although there are those who believe in being good and going to church and talking just right, oh and don't forget the show, good lord we can't live without the show. The ones around you that pretend their lives are so much better, and oh yea, their your friend? And they are on the side of right so if they say things about you behind your back or vindictively conspire with others against you, it's okay because your such an awful person that you deserve it. BUT GOD.
I've heard things like, well you have to separate yourself from the situation and just let it be. Maan, I sure wouldn't want them as a friend or parent for that matter, they're more than willing to step back and let you fall, no problem. Or well, it serves you right that this happened, see I told you.
But, you know God don't like ugly and through the years if you look close enough you'll see God's hand of protection and favor remove itself from you since you are more than willing to deliver what you would term justice, hatred, backing stabbing malicious behavior. Look in the mirror, God don't like ugly.
Me? I choose to step back from people like that if they're plotting against other people and gossiping I guarantee God will deal with them and I don't want any of the fall out on me.
Even under the hardest times I choose to look for God's goodness, his favor and definitely his mercy. I find promises of his deliverance everyday and I know he will always show himself strong on our behalf. So while others shake their heads, I stand in faith. Maybe they don't believe that God will have the last word but I believe he will. Noone stood with Moses when he parted the sea, they thought he was crazy, noone believed David would kill Goliath, but he did. As a matter of fact noone believed that marching around the walls of jericho would do anything but annoy the inhabitants, but the walls came down and the inhabitants were killed.
The thing of it is, even if people could do everything and anything to you, it would never be enough because what they really want is your death. They want to strip everything from you until your so lost, you die. It isn't until then that they are happy. Thats the real goal.
God says the wicked plot against the righteous, they nash their teeth they bend back their bow, but their bow is turned back into their own hearts and pierces it.
All you have to do is stand back and see the salvation of the Lord.
Have you every had fear grip you. In the pit of your stomach fear that made your head swim, your heart pound and take your breath away. Sometimes there are obstacles within our paths that are so overwhelming, we just know it's going to swallow us alive and we're never going to be happy again. Life will not return to the mundane and regular routine of mediocrity again. Where we find ourselves in a situation in which we have not idea who our friends and enemies are, there's no where to turn, no one that you dare to listen to since they will all pretend to have the answers, be your friend, or just plain know more than you do and are more than willing to sit in front of you and just shake their heads.
My days have turned into a dust storm of this type of existence. However, there are things I know, I know I serve a big God and I know I have his favor. And although there are those who believe in being good and going to church and talking just right, oh and don't forget the show, good lord we can't live without the show. The ones around you that pretend their lives are so much better, and oh yea, their your friend? And they are on the side of right so if they say things about you behind your back or vindictively conspire with others against you, it's okay because your such an awful person that you deserve it. BUT GOD.
I've heard things like, well you have to separate yourself from the situation and just let it be. Maan, I sure wouldn't want them as a friend or parent for that matter, they're more than willing to step back and let you fall, no problem. Or well, it serves you right that this happened, see I told you.
But, you know God don't like ugly and through the years if you look close enough you'll see God's hand of protection and favor remove itself from you since you are more than willing to deliver what you would term justice, hatred, backing stabbing malicious behavior. Look in the mirror, God don't like ugly.
Me? I choose to step back from people like that if they're plotting against other people and gossiping I guarantee God will deal with them and I don't want any of the fall out on me.
Even under the hardest times I choose to look for God's goodness, his favor and definitely his mercy. I find promises of his deliverance everyday and I know he will always show himself strong on our behalf. So while others shake their heads, I stand in faith. Maybe they don't believe that God will have the last word but I believe he will. Noone stood with Moses when he parted the sea, they thought he was crazy, noone believed David would kill Goliath, but he did. As a matter of fact noone believed that marching around the walls of jericho would do anything but annoy the inhabitants, but the walls came down and the inhabitants were killed.
The thing of it is, even if people could do everything and anything to you, it would never be enough because what they really want is your death. They want to strip everything from you until your so lost, you die. It isn't until then that they are happy. Thats the real goal.
God says the wicked plot against the righteous, they nash their teeth they bend back their bow, but their bow is turned back into their own hearts and pierces it.
All you have to do is stand back and see the salvation of the Lord.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
April 20, 2013;
When you're a mother the lives of your children and grandchildren affect you in every way that it affects them. If they overcome an obstacle you're as ecstatic as they are, if one of them hits a homerun you're jumping up and down in the stands screaming with joy at their success. When they make a mistake that seriously adversly affects them, you die inside, you're heart breaks and you feel all of their pain. The thing is, when your child, for whatever reason makes a mistake, she or he is not the only one to suffer, the pain and the consequences roll down hill to their children and if anything can make a grandmother drop to her knees praying without ceasing that would do it.
Your grandchild may not even know that their grandma knows they are suffering or hurting, but we do, we feel it, and we pray. The Bible says that God collects all of our tears and puts them in a jar and keeps them, grandmas feel their children's tears and each time they cry and hurt it goes straight into grandmas heart and she lifts it up to God for help.
I have seven grandchildren, two of them are hurting so bad right now. I know God hears their cries, I hear their cries and I'm praying for intervention, restoration and a miracle. I believe with all of my heart when this is done God will show himself strong and those children will be restored along with their mother. I believe I will have a miracle from God to brag about him on.
I could say things about individuals with wagging tongues and malicious hearts, but God knows and as the Word says "he contends with those things that contend with us".
When you're a mother the lives of your children and grandchildren affect you in every way that it affects them. If they overcome an obstacle you're as ecstatic as they are, if one of them hits a homerun you're jumping up and down in the stands screaming with joy at their success. When they make a mistake that seriously adversly affects them, you die inside, you're heart breaks and you feel all of their pain. The thing is, when your child, for whatever reason makes a mistake, she or he is not the only one to suffer, the pain and the consequences roll down hill to their children and if anything can make a grandmother drop to her knees praying without ceasing that would do it.
Your grandchild may not even know that their grandma knows they are suffering or hurting, but we do, we feel it, and we pray. The Bible says that God collects all of our tears and puts them in a jar and keeps them, grandmas feel their children's tears and each time they cry and hurt it goes straight into grandmas heart and she lifts it up to God for help.
I have seven grandchildren, two of them are hurting so bad right now. I know God hears their cries, I hear their cries and I'm praying for intervention, restoration and a miracle. I believe with all of my heart when this is done God will show himself strong and those children will be restored along with their mother. I believe I will have a miracle from God to brag about him on.
I could say things about individuals with wagging tongues and malicious hearts, but God knows and as the Word says "he contends with those things that contend with us".
Friday, April 19, 2013
April 19, 2013;
I learned something very important today, a very simple truth I should have known much earlier in my life but somehow it escaped me. The Bible even tells us the importance of this simple truth repeatedly, but still somehow it's truth seemed to elude me and the lack of it created a life that was substandard in many areas. The truth is happiness or joy is a choice and it's something we get to create in our own lives. And it's something that God wants us to have everyday, all day long, consistently. One scripture says "The joy of the Lord is my strength, the Lord is the strength of my life". Another one says "The Lord came that I might have life and that more abundantly". And there is another one I've always used it's kind of my way of leaving those things behind and moving forward, "the best revenge is a good life".
Happiness is definitely a choice and noone can make you happy but you and......if anyone else is looking for that right person, or a fuller social life, happiness draws others to you, not to mention the health benefits, psychological benefits and emotional benefits.
Dr. Suess wrote the book "Oh the places you will go" it talks about all the wonderful and unusual places that you will go as you adventure through life. Robert Louis Stevenson wrote "The world is so full of a number of things I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings!"
The Lord has implanted in every single person giftings, desires, ambitions, dreams, visions, but he speaks in such a quiet way in our spirits that we very seldom listen. God put those there, the Creator of the universe, I think that warrants attention. He wants you happy, he wants you to experience a full abundant life. And I'm gonna tell you regardless of what you can come up with as adventurous or abundant or fulfilling times it by 1000000 and then you might times it again because you cannot fathom how adventurous God is.
I realized that I had spent my life waiting, waiting to be happy, waiting to do the things I want to do, waiting to finish my work, my chores, my home repairs, raising my kids, seeing them through their mistakes. I found myself so caught up in the "what I have to do today" that I never paid attention to the good things I could create or the places I could go or any of the things I could do. I had a friend who tried to tell me that I needed to "focus" focus, that was all I ever did was focus, concentrate, do what was required of me. Never did I do fun things or play. I actually sat down last night and took inventory of how I spend my time and why I spend it that way. I wait to experience all of the good things until everything else is done. I don't know if anyone else was raised with the motto chores first, then fun. Well as an adult chores never seem to stop and all work and no play makes for a very ineffective dull me. And I have grown pretty dull lately.
Sooo whats the answer, well I believe it is to be anxious for nothing, trust God with the details, have faith and let go of the reins and laugh a little. Play more, laugh more, smile and enjoy everyone and relax God's got you.
And I have to tell you, happiness is very attractive ladies, trust me, it ranks right up there with being a christian woman and being intelligent, so be happy, genuinely happy and be adventurous. Enjoy yourself, the world God created for you to enjoy, your family, your friends, and all the new people God has waiting to meet you.
You will grow to really like you.
I learned something very important today, a very simple truth I should have known much earlier in my life but somehow it escaped me. The Bible even tells us the importance of this simple truth repeatedly, but still somehow it's truth seemed to elude me and the lack of it created a life that was substandard in many areas. The truth is happiness or joy is a choice and it's something we get to create in our own lives. And it's something that God wants us to have everyday, all day long, consistently. One scripture says "The joy of the Lord is my strength, the Lord is the strength of my life". Another one says "The Lord came that I might have life and that more abundantly". And there is another one I've always used it's kind of my way of leaving those things behind and moving forward, "the best revenge is a good life".
Happiness is definitely a choice and noone can make you happy but you and......if anyone else is looking for that right person, or a fuller social life, happiness draws others to you, not to mention the health benefits, psychological benefits and emotional benefits.
Dr. Suess wrote the book "Oh the places you will go" it talks about all the wonderful and unusual places that you will go as you adventure through life. Robert Louis Stevenson wrote "The world is so full of a number of things I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings!"
The Lord has implanted in every single person giftings, desires, ambitions, dreams, visions, but he speaks in such a quiet way in our spirits that we very seldom listen. God put those there, the Creator of the universe, I think that warrants attention. He wants you happy, he wants you to experience a full abundant life. And I'm gonna tell you regardless of what you can come up with as adventurous or abundant or fulfilling times it by 1000000 and then you might times it again because you cannot fathom how adventurous God is.
I realized that I had spent my life waiting, waiting to be happy, waiting to do the things I want to do, waiting to finish my work, my chores, my home repairs, raising my kids, seeing them through their mistakes. I found myself so caught up in the "what I have to do today" that I never paid attention to the good things I could create or the places I could go or any of the things I could do. I had a friend who tried to tell me that I needed to "focus" focus, that was all I ever did was focus, concentrate, do what was required of me. Never did I do fun things or play. I actually sat down last night and took inventory of how I spend my time and why I spend it that way. I wait to experience all of the good things until everything else is done. I don't know if anyone else was raised with the motto chores first, then fun. Well as an adult chores never seem to stop and all work and no play makes for a very ineffective dull me. And I have grown pretty dull lately.
Sooo whats the answer, well I believe it is to be anxious for nothing, trust God with the details, have faith and let go of the reins and laugh a little. Play more, laugh more, smile and enjoy everyone and relax God's got you.
And I have to tell you, happiness is very attractive ladies, trust me, it ranks right up there with being a christian woman and being intelligent, so be happy, genuinely happy and be adventurous. Enjoy yourself, the world God created for you to enjoy, your family, your friends, and all the new people God has waiting to meet you.
You will grow to really like you.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
April 18, 2013;
One of the most important jobs we take on as human being is to care for ourselves. There are many sayings such as; you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself, among many others. I had a conversation with someone a couple of days ago whom I had previously had a relationship with. We are both strong opinioned and we both want rule over our own lives. However, he's a man and I believe he's a sort of alpha man or maybe in the middle I'm not really quite sure. But he believes (athough he won't say) that he has done everything correctly in the relationship and I being the (bitch that I am) have done everything wrong including emasculate him by not accepting the terms of our agreement and indicating that he couldn't meet my needs (by the way I emphasized time, doing things, going places, not money). In the beginning of our agreement I believed above all else that he was a genuine good person with a heart of gold. Obviously today I do not feel that way, however the most important thing about all of this is to consider how does the other person make you feel? How does your relationship with whomever it is make you feel?
Now, at first I thought it was about how he treated me or spoke to me, and although that is a component of it it isn't all of it. How does being around this person make you feel and how do you feel after they have gone. I had to think about this for a long time because when we first spent time together he made me feel wonderful, he was considerate, kind and generous. Generous with his affection and his time. Considerate in that he considered my feelings and how things made me feel and whether or not I was ok. Of course he was kind.
But time passed, and things changed, he would say I changed and of course I would say he changed, regardless things changed. Sometimes it was due to family emergencies, family functions, work or any number of things however, when before I would say we should talk, we would. Later when he or I would say we should talk we would not. Conversations became very centered on his life and what was going on with him. I could actually put the phone on my desk, keep working and he'd still be talking. Then there were times when he was shopping up town and he'd be on the phone with me, I'd be talking and he would start talking to someone else and then tell me to hang on, I'd ask to hang up and of course he would say no, no, I'm listening.....Really? And then the infamous texting while you are supposedly having a conversation. I loved that one. That was a constant, I continually competed for time over the phone and that is just completely socially unacceptable.
I remember one conversation I had with him on the phone we were discussing men and women relationships, and boy was he willing to tell me what was wrong with me. He laid it out and held nothing back and in the same conversation would attempt to tell me how much he loved me. I never lied to him, never attempted manipulation, I never held back from him, however, when we would talk he would explain how no matter what I said it was a form of manipulation. This was of course his way of manipulating the situation to get me to realize that any needs that I had were manipulations on him (isn't that cute???).
Finally, in one of our last conversations, he explained in no uncertain terms how because I was unwilling to accept the way he treated that I was making him not feel like a man. That my complaint made him feel like less than a man. My complaint was being put on the backburner all the time and never spending time together. However, what I learned was that my expressing my opinion about his lack of treatment towards him was unacceptable and therefore, he turned the conversation to my inability to make him feel like a man, you talk about manipulation.
So, how did his treatment of me make me feel, not like a woman. Without saying the exact words he made me feel insignificant, unimportant, inconsequential and very frustrated. He asked me if he made me angry and at first I said no, but after I left and cried for two days I realized yes, he made me very angry, intolerabally angry. And he definitely did not make me feel like a woman.
So should we keep allowing this person who does not value us, love us, or care for us stay in our lives? No. We have to love ourselves enough to walk away, enjoy our independence, our lives and our other friends and definitely not look back. When someone does not appreciate you and continually tries to demean you walk away. Run away. They don't deserve you, I finally realized that he's not man enough to be in my life, but there is someone who is and he loves me for who I am, he accepts me just the way I am and he celebrates it.
Like so many things it's a no brainer, we have to love ourselves enough to demand the right treatment and when it's no longer there, and we've discussed then it's time to protect ourselves. Just because it's not physical abuse does not mean that it is not mental and emotional abuse.
One of the most important jobs we take on as human being is to care for ourselves. There are many sayings such as; you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself, among many others. I had a conversation with someone a couple of days ago whom I had previously had a relationship with. We are both strong opinioned and we both want rule over our own lives. However, he's a man and I believe he's a sort of alpha man or maybe in the middle I'm not really quite sure. But he believes (athough he won't say) that he has done everything correctly in the relationship and I being the (bitch that I am) have done everything wrong including emasculate him by not accepting the terms of our agreement and indicating that he couldn't meet my needs (by the way I emphasized time, doing things, going places, not money). In the beginning of our agreement I believed above all else that he was a genuine good person with a heart of gold. Obviously today I do not feel that way, however the most important thing about all of this is to consider how does the other person make you feel? How does your relationship with whomever it is make you feel?
Now, at first I thought it was about how he treated me or spoke to me, and although that is a component of it it isn't all of it. How does being around this person make you feel and how do you feel after they have gone. I had to think about this for a long time because when we first spent time together he made me feel wonderful, he was considerate, kind and generous. Generous with his affection and his time. Considerate in that he considered my feelings and how things made me feel and whether or not I was ok. Of course he was kind.
But time passed, and things changed, he would say I changed and of course I would say he changed, regardless things changed. Sometimes it was due to family emergencies, family functions, work or any number of things however, when before I would say we should talk, we would. Later when he or I would say we should talk we would not. Conversations became very centered on his life and what was going on with him. I could actually put the phone on my desk, keep working and he'd still be talking. Then there were times when he was shopping up town and he'd be on the phone with me, I'd be talking and he would start talking to someone else and then tell me to hang on, I'd ask to hang up and of course he would say no, no, I'm listening.....Really? And then the infamous texting while you are supposedly having a conversation. I loved that one. That was a constant, I continually competed for time over the phone and that is just completely socially unacceptable.
I remember one conversation I had with him on the phone we were discussing men and women relationships, and boy was he willing to tell me what was wrong with me. He laid it out and held nothing back and in the same conversation would attempt to tell me how much he loved me. I never lied to him, never attempted manipulation, I never held back from him, however, when we would talk he would explain how no matter what I said it was a form of manipulation. This was of course his way of manipulating the situation to get me to realize that any needs that I had were manipulations on him (isn't that cute???).
Finally, in one of our last conversations, he explained in no uncertain terms how because I was unwilling to accept the way he treated that I was making him not feel like a man. That my complaint made him feel like less than a man. My complaint was being put on the backburner all the time and never spending time together. However, what I learned was that my expressing my opinion about his lack of treatment towards him was unacceptable and therefore, he turned the conversation to my inability to make him feel like a man, you talk about manipulation.
So, how did his treatment of me make me feel, not like a woman. Without saying the exact words he made me feel insignificant, unimportant, inconsequential and very frustrated. He asked me if he made me angry and at first I said no, but after I left and cried for two days I realized yes, he made me very angry, intolerabally angry. And he definitely did not make me feel like a woman.
So should we keep allowing this person who does not value us, love us, or care for us stay in our lives? No. We have to love ourselves enough to walk away, enjoy our independence, our lives and our other friends and definitely not look back. When someone does not appreciate you and continually tries to demean you walk away. Run away. They don't deserve you, I finally realized that he's not man enough to be in my life, but there is someone who is and he loves me for who I am, he accepts me just the way I am and he celebrates it.
Like so many things it's a no brainer, we have to love ourselves enough to demand the right treatment and when it's no longer there, and we've discussed then it's time to protect ourselves. Just because it's not physical abuse does not mean that it is not mental and emotional abuse.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
April 17, 2013;
Have you ever had a friend that always had a way of making you feel bad, really bad about yourself, your life, just everything. And for whatever reasons you kept going back for more, believing with all of your heart that they cared about you, they were a true friend, they didn't mean what they said they were just having a bad day. Or quite possibly they didn't mean what they did, or the way they forgot you it's just because they're under so much pressure. There are a number of excuses you could make for their behavior, none of them are legitimate, they're excuses and sometimes when you can't come up with one they'll even supply one to you that will reason they're behavior away.
You know what I'm talking about, it's that friend that will give you the highest compliment verbally, but somehow won't include you in things. Or maybe they'll talk with you, use your ideas, even use you for a counselor but not include you in anything. I think the key word was use you.
Then there are those unsaid spiritual or residual feelings you get after that person leaves. You don't really know why but your depresssed, lonely, hopeless and sometimes you feel so overwhelmingly beyond hope sad you end up sobbing hysterically wondering how could you end everything without anyone nothing. Why do you feel this way? They didn't say anything what happened? You didn't feel that way before they showed up why now?
Well, all of us carry stuff with us, you could call it baggage, head noise, one of my friends calls it the committee in her head. Some people carry stuff with them that they don't even know is there, it came with them from their birth and has haunted them ever since. And if your real sensitive you can feel it. It's not so much that it's your problem or meant for you or even part of your make-up. It's actually meant for them, it's been with them and haunts them and now your experiencing a transferance. Very similar to feeling empathy for someone, but you're not feeling something for them, something that haunts them is trying to place itself on you.
Seriously have you ever been around someone who was sooo depressed and you left them feeling soooo depressed and then suddenly you're having a bad day. Yup, transferance. Have you ever watched a violent show and then felt like you wanted to go hurt someone? Yup, transferance.
The key of course if prayer, because God heals, but you have to learn to love yourself enough to say no, you're not doing this to me. It's one thing with a stranger, you do walk away, but we don't with those we love we just take it. Well, no. We need to guard our hearts and minds, surround ourselves with those things that are good and lovely. Now all of this is just good common sense but it's also biblical.
God doesn't see us as worthless, or not good enough and he never treats us as less. Sometimes we just have to walk away.
Have you ever had a friend that always had a way of making you feel bad, really bad about yourself, your life, just everything. And for whatever reasons you kept going back for more, believing with all of your heart that they cared about you, they were a true friend, they didn't mean what they said they were just having a bad day. Or quite possibly they didn't mean what they did, or the way they forgot you it's just because they're under so much pressure. There are a number of excuses you could make for their behavior, none of them are legitimate, they're excuses and sometimes when you can't come up with one they'll even supply one to you that will reason they're behavior away.
You know what I'm talking about, it's that friend that will give you the highest compliment verbally, but somehow won't include you in things. Or maybe they'll talk with you, use your ideas, even use you for a counselor but not include you in anything. I think the key word was use you.
Then there are those unsaid spiritual or residual feelings you get after that person leaves. You don't really know why but your depresssed, lonely, hopeless and sometimes you feel so overwhelmingly beyond hope sad you end up sobbing hysterically wondering how could you end everything without anyone nothing. Why do you feel this way? They didn't say anything what happened? You didn't feel that way before they showed up why now?
Well, all of us carry stuff with us, you could call it baggage, head noise, one of my friends calls it the committee in her head. Some people carry stuff with them that they don't even know is there, it came with them from their birth and has haunted them ever since. And if your real sensitive you can feel it. It's not so much that it's your problem or meant for you or even part of your make-up. It's actually meant for them, it's been with them and haunts them and now your experiencing a transferance. Very similar to feeling empathy for someone, but you're not feeling something for them, something that haunts them is trying to place itself on you.
Seriously have you ever been around someone who was sooo depressed and you left them feeling soooo depressed and then suddenly you're having a bad day. Yup, transferance. Have you ever watched a violent show and then felt like you wanted to go hurt someone? Yup, transferance.
The key of course if prayer, because God heals, but you have to learn to love yourself enough to say no, you're not doing this to me. It's one thing with a stranger, you do walk away, but we don't with those we love we just take it. Well, no. We need to guard our hearts and minds, surround ourselves with those things that are good and lovely. Now all of this is just good common sense but it's also biblical.
God doesn't see us as worthless, or not good enough and he never treats us as less. Sometimes we just have to walk away.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
April 14, 2013;
A house full of women and their children while I try to stay focused on my doctorate. I always wondered why there were farmers who worked their kids in the summer until they dropped and now I know. There's an old saying "hard work never hurt anyone" quite frankly I think young people have too much time on their hands and there's another old saying "idle hands are the devil's workshop" and that ain't no lie.
Living in a small community with limited job availability (and I'm only talking minimum wage jobs) and a failing school district tends to manufacture teenagers and young adults with a limited scope on the possibilities out there in the big bad world. There is no vision for a better future, there isn't enough time spent on investing in one's future or one's children's futures and that should scare the hell out of everyone. At one point in time our small community had the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in the state, we also have a thriving welfare office, and given it's our community that office is not manned with intelligent helpful people. They snarle and berate and make the girls feel worse about themselves than they already do. I don't really think anyone wants a life sentence of welfare or dealing with welfare people, small children, minimum wage employment and subsidized apartment living. I don't believe most of them thought that far, but I can tell you that the school disctrict gave up on those girls by the time they reached 4th grade (and I'm being conservative).
I find that girls, particularly young women have too much to talk about (and none of it good), even within a small family there is too much biting among the herd. It's like Donner's pass when they had to make decisions about eating human flesh. Now at least that flesh is dead, what I'm seeing is fangs that bury themselves in live flesh and then hang on for the kill. Tongues of fire filled with idle talk. But then just ask one of them to make lunch and suddenly......poof they're gone. Wait what about the laundry, what about the yards they need cleaning and oh the windows? Yeah, they're tired and magically they disappear into thin air and my house is as quiet as a morgue.
Now if you're willing to lay out the food, clean everything provide the money and the entertainment, they'd sit and talk all day. It wouldn't be productive or positive but they would talk....and talk....and talk. Would they go to church and pray? Nooooooo, but they'll talk. Now I understand why my grandmother didn't have much to say. There was too much to do and not enough hours in the day to do it, she stayed focused on her mission and that didn't involve idle chit chat that stole her daylight hours. She had things to do, yards and a garden to maintain, laundry, meals, sewing and the list went on, there was no time to just sit and run the jaw into the ground.
I never really did get into all the idle chit chat and gossip, I found it brought me down, made my mind go places it had no business going and ohhh, wait a minute, what was I supposed to be doing??? Oh my gosh what time is it???? great I blew that one. Well, we don't get the time back we let slip through our fingers and days spent in multitudes of idle chit chat, and worthless bantering and running around will be a life of the same and one that did not produce anything good.
We are given a life and then we are given charge over other lives when we have children, that's a lot of responsibility. As the bible says We can choose life or we can choose death, choose life.
A house full of women and their children while I try to stay focused on my doctorate. I always wondered why there were farmers who worked their kids in the summer until they dropped and now I know. There's an old saying "hard work never hurt anyone" quite frankly I think young people have too much time on their hands and there's another old saying "idle hands are the devil's workshop" and that ain't no lie.
Living in a small community with limited job availability (and I'm only talking minimum wage jobs) and a failing school district tends to manufacture teenagers and young adults with a limited scope on the possibilities out there in the big bad world. There is no vision for a better future, there isn't enough time spent on investing in one's future or one's children's futures and that should scare the hell out of everyone. At one point in time our small community had the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in the state, we also have a thriving welfare office, and given it's our community that office is not manned with intelligent helpful people. They snarle and berate and make the girls feel worse about themselves than they already do. I don't really think anyone wants a life sentence of welfare or dealing with welfare people, small children, minimum wage employment and subsidized apartment living. I don't believe most of them thought that far, but I can tell you that the school disctrict gave up on those girls by the time they reached 4th grade (and I'm being conservative).
I find that girls, particularly young women have too much to talk about (and none of it good), even within a small family there is too much biting among the herd. It's like Donner's pass when they had to make decisions about eating human flesh. Now at least that flesh is dead, what I'm seeing is fangs that bury themselves in live flesh and then hang on for the kill. Tongues of fire filled with idle talk. But then just ask one of them to make lunch and suddenly......poof they're gone. Wait what about the laundry, what about the yards they need cleaning and oh the windows? Yeah, they're tired and magically they disappear into thin air and my house is as quiet as a morgue.
Now if you're willing to lay out the food, clean everything provide the money and the entertainment, they'd sit and talk all day. It wouldn't be productive or positive but they would talk....and talk....and talk. Would they go to church and pray? Nooooooo, but they'll talk. Now I understand why my grandmother didn't have much to say. There was too much to do and not enough hours in the day to do it, she stayed focused on her mission and that didn't involve idle chit chat that stole her daylight hours. She had things to do, yards and a garden to maintain, laundry, meals, sewing and the list went on, there was no time to just sit and run the jaw into the ground.
I never really did get into all the idle chit chat and gossip, I found it brought me down, made my mind go places it had no business going and ohhh, wait a minute, what was I supposed to be doing??? Oh my gosh what time is it???? great I blew that one. Well, we don't get the time back we let slip through our fingers and days spent in multitudes of idle chit chat, and worthless bantering and running around will be a life of the same and one that did not produce anything good.
We are given a life and then we are given charge over other lives when we have children, that's a lot of responsibility. As the bible says We can choose life or we can choose death, choose life.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
April, 12, 2013;
I think the mother instinct is fascinating. It doesn't matter whether the child is right or wrong as a mother the love for them doesn't change. Even if they totally cause you to step back and question your ability to parent and wonder what possessed them to do what they did. What mistake did you make in their developmental years that has caused this situation to come about.
There is a part of a mother that will stick by her child no matter what anyone says or does. No matter how bad the infraction, the love does not change so much so that all instincts will kick in and everything else goes black. Someone very recently told me that I needed to focus, that I needed to not allow things around me to take away from my destiny. But above all other destinies that an individual may be in line to experience the one that is basic to nature is the destiny of being a mother to the exclusion of everything else.
So I found that he was right I do need to focus, and I am focusing but not on what he thought I should focus on because honestly if its one thing I have learned going through this life it's that I can do many things at the same time and still protect and hold my baby in my arms and keep my family very close and keep others away.
Tragedy makes strange bed fellows, well not actually BED fellows but God finds ways for very unusual help to appear. Out of no where theres help for all of it, a provision that I could not have provided, support where there was none. There was no help to be had but God had it figured out before my feet hit the floor that morning. By the time I was out of bed the help had arrived and I didn't think I was going to be able to reciprocate but he needed the exact skills that I have helped others with for years. God has shown me immense favor in this situation and I believe he will show himself very strong and when he does I will have a fantastic miracle. And through it all I have had a friend to cry with and talk to and pray with, she has been a true friend.
And all of the other issues I previously had melted away in the fire, it's interesting how the important things become very important and the other things and people fade into the black abyss forever. I know after this I will never be the same, but I know I'll be much better and so will my family.
I think the mother instinct is fascinating. It doesn't matter whether the child is right or wrong as a mother the love for them doesn't change. Even if they totally cause you to step back and question your ability to parent and wonder what possessed them to do what they did. What mistake did you make in their developmental years that has caused this situation to come about.
There is a part of a mother that will stick by her child no matter what anyone says or does. No matter how bad the infraction, the love does not change so much so that all instincts will kick in and everything else goes black. Someone very recently told me that I needed to focus, that I needed to not allow things around me to take away from my destiny. But above all other destinies that an individual may be in line to experience the one that is basic to nature is the destiny of being a mother to the exclusion of everything else.
So I found that he was right I do need to focus, and I am focusing but not on what he thought I should focus on because honestly if its one thing I have learned going through this life it's that I can do many things at the same time and still protect and hold my baby in my arms and keep my family very close and keep others away.
Tragedy makes strange bed fellows, well not actually BED fellows but God finds ways for very unusual help to appear. Out of no where theres help for all of it, a provision that I could not have provided, support where there was none. There was no help to be had but God had it figured out before my feet hit the floor that morning. By the time I was out of bed the help had arrived and I didn't think I was going to be able to reciprocate but he needed the exact skills that I have helped others with for years. God has shown me immense favor in this situation and I believe he will show himself very strong and when he does I will have a fantastic miracle. And through it all I have had a friend to cry with and talk to and pray with, she has been a true friend.
And all of the other issues I previously had melted away in the fire, it's interesting how the important things become very important and the other things and people fade into the black abyss forever. I know after this I will never be the same, but I know I'll be much better and so will my family.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
April 11, 2013;
I couldn't wait until the morning to write this in all the mess that went on with one daughter, my other daughter finally made the right decision to leave her drug addicted physically abusive husband. Of course all of this meant that I have ended up running a boarding house for wayward women and their many children, which also meant I gave up any semblence of privacy and peace I fought like hell to get, but it was the right decision. During the process of course there was the initial crying over the lost (world's best) husband, then of course she just knew she was going to be alone forever (blah blah blah) and the infamous "I'm used to living in my own house and I don't want to pick up my clothes or clean my messes". Yea, that didn't work out either.
Finally she settled in filed for the divorce went through mediation and survived. Then came the initial visit where the kids were gone for the first weekend. Life was over, get the noose, she somehow couldn't live two days without screaming at her children to quit fighting and pick up their messes, but she got through it, incredible (amazingly I toughed through it too LOL). Then came the big trip out of town that she had been dreading for months. We live in a very small town, very rural, it makes rural anywhere else look like a big city, I'm talking death valley rural, and she had to make a trip into Los Angeles all the way into the convention center by herself (I think there's a story about the country mouse and the city mouse, it's really good and it definitely fits this). Well she made it all the way into her Hilton hotel room, but not without facebooking the event, why do people do that. Then I finally heard some words I really needed to hear "Mom I love you I'm so glad I finally made the right decision".
Now if I can just get the youngest through the drama and in the right direction. Roadtrips seem to work wonders.
I couldn't wait until the morning to write this in all the mess that went on with one daughter, my other daughter finally made the right decision to leave her drug addicted physically abusive husband. Of course all of this meant that I have ended up running a boarding house for wayward women and their many children, which also meant I gave up any semblence of privacy and peace I fought like hell to get, but it was the right decision. During the process of course there was the initial crying over the lost (world's best) husband, then of course she just knew she was going to be alone forever (blah blah blah) and the infamous "I'm used to living in my own house and I don't want to pick up my clothes or clean my messes". Yea, that didn't work out either.
Finally she settled in filed for the divorce went through mediation and survived. Then came the initial visit where the kids were gone for the first weekend. Life was over, get the noose, she somehow couldn't live two days without screaming at her children to quit fighting and pick up their messes, but she got through it, incredible (amazingly I toughed through it too LOL). Then came the big trip out of town that she had been dreading for months. We live in a very small town, very rural, it makes rural anywhere else look like a big city, I'm talking death valley rural, and she had to make a trip into Los Angeles all the way into the convention center by herself (I think there's a story about the country mouse and the city mouse, it's really good and it definitely fits this). Well she made it all the way into her Hilton hotel room, but not without facebooking the event, why do people do that. Then I finally heard some words I really needed to hear "Mom I love you I'm so glad I finally made the right decision".
Now if I can just get the youngest through the drama and in the right direction. Roadtrips seem to work wonders.
April 10, 2013
Well in all of the chaos there was a random act of kindness or forgetfulness on someone's part that had a positive impact on others. I took my truck to the car wash and found a stack of quarters on the machine next to the dial. I used my own quarters and decided to leave the other quarters there. So...I washed my truck, vacuumed it and dried it and then a friend came by and we talked for a while. Apparently we talked long enough that one person came by and asked me about the money I told them it was there before, so she washed her car and then left. I didn' think anything about it then another person came by and asked me if I had left some money, I said no it was already there so they washed theirs and left. This happened a total of 3 times with people asking me if it was mine. I finally told one person to use it, someone needed to I suppose.
It just goes to show you that people aren't nearly as bad some news programs would have us think. Quite possibly those who are are in the minority, which I believe is good news.
Well in all of the chaos there was a random act of kindness or forgetfulness on someone's part that had a positive impact on others. I took my truck to the car wash and found a stack of quarters on the machine next to the dial. I used my own quarters and decided to leave the other quarters there. So...I washed my truck, vacuumed it and dried it and then a friend came by and we talked for a while. Apparently we talked long enough that one person came by and asked me about the money I told them it was there before, so she washed her car and then left. I didn' think anything about it then another person came by and asked me if I had left some money, I said no it was already there so they washed theirs and left. This happened a total of 3 times with people asking me if it was mine. I finally told one person to use it, someone needed to I suppose.
It just goes to show you that people aren't nearly as bad some news programs would have us think. Quite possibly those who are are in the minority, which I believe is good news.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
April 9, 2013
Well the last week has been straight from the pit of hell, but that is part of the whole process I guess. Have you ever known someone that treated you as a friend and then when they saw the ugly parts of you, they decided to become a friend of convenience. Relationships between the sexes are complex and very conditional, that would even apply to some father daughter relationships. Yes, there are those that are very conditional and there are those that are simple air.
It is a rare thing to find a man that will be your friend through thick and thin, stand by you no matter what and weather every storm. By that same token it is difficult to find a woman that would do the same. I know people who have found those types of individuals, I know them, however I don't know where they found them because I have yet to meet an indivdual from that gene pool. I am related to types of that kind however, I believe that is incest and not desirable in the least.
I have only had the type of male and female relationships that were conditional, based on my good behavior and performance. If I was real good he might call and then again he might not. If I was pleasant enough he might even come home, of course he wouldn't stay but he'd come home. I've never met a man that would provide for me, so I figured it didn't exist and I always provided for myself and my girls. I finally developed what I thought was a true relationship/friendship but it wasn't. It depended on my performance and my good behavior and my willingness to wait long enough, suffer enough, prove my love enough........it was exhausting. And I was never quite good enough, how good is good enough anyway. How clean is clean, how acceptable is acceptable and how religious would be considered religious enough. I believe I have entered into Alice and Wonderland, up is down, right is wrong, truths are really lies if you squint and slightly turn your head and love is a matter of an emotional rush that is conditional and only lasts for a moment. Its like having a relationship with the mad hatter and having the queen yell "off with her head".
All my life I only wanted small things, tuna sandwiches, a garden, a small home, I love Lucy, cooking, sewing, baking just peace oh and one marriage to my best friend (who by the way slept with my other best friend). I am told repeatedly that I was meant for greatness (I believe it's highly overrated), that I needed to fulfill my destiny so I went to school and now I'm on my last year. And then what??? Oh yea greatness, exactly what ile is that on? I wonder do I buy the name brand or will the store brand due?
I was told by my friend that if I didn't finish my doctorate I wouldn't have to worry he wouldn't have anything to do with me. Ya know, I love to be hurt, could you please oh please just hit me again?? Oh what did you say you're busy, too busy to talk? Oh you have so much going on you just can't be bothered? Oh you want me to come by and pick up my christmas gift how nice, oh and you can't be bothered with picking up your Valentine's gift, you're busy. You know looking at this in print I'm beginning to wonder who amazingly pathetic I was.
Talk about calling a spade a spade.
Well the last week has been straight from the pit of hell, but that is part of the whole process I guess. Have you ever known someone that treated you as a friend and then when they saw the ugly parts of you, they decided to become a friend of convenience. Relationships between the sexes are complex and very conditional, that would even apply to some father daughter relationships. Yes, there are those that are very conditional and there are those that are simple air.
It is a rare thing to find a man that will be your friend through thick and thin, stand by you no matter what and weather every storm. By that same token it is difficult to find a woman that would do the same. I know people who have found those types of individuals, I know them, however I don't know where they found them because I have yet to meet an indivdual from that gene pool. I am related to types of that kind however, I believe that is incest and not desirable in the least.
I have only had the type of male and female relationships that were conditional, based on my good behavior and performance. If I was real good he might call and then again he might not. If I was pleasant enough he might even come home, of course he wouldn't stay but he'd come home. I've never met a man that would provide for me, so I figured it didn't exist and I always provided for myself and my girls. I finally developed what I thought was a true relationship/friendship but it wasn't. It depended on my performance and my good behavior and my willingness to wait long enough, suffer enough, prove my love enough........it was exhausting. And I was never quite good enough, how good is good enough anyway. How clean is clean, how acceptable is acceptable and how religious would be considered religious enough. I believe I have entered into Alice and Wonderland, up is down, right is wrong, truths are really lies if you squint and slightly turn your head and love is a matter of an emotional rush that is conditional and only lasts for a moment. Its like having a relationship with the mad hatter and having the queen yell "off with her head".
All my life I only wanted small things, tuna sandwiches, a garden, a small home, I love Lucy, cooking, sewing, baking just peace oh and one marriage to my best friend (who by the way slept with my other best friend). I am told repeatedly that I was meant for greatness (I believe it's highly overrated), that I needed to fulfill my destiny so I went to school and now I'm on my last year. And then what??? Oh yea greatness, exactly what ile is that on? I wonder do I buy the name brand or will the store brand due?
I was told by my friend that if I didn't finish my doctorate I wouldn't have to worry he wouldn't have anything to do with me. Ya know, I love to be hurt, could you please oh please just hit me again?? Oh what did you say you're busy, too busy to talk? Oh you have so much going on you just can't be bothered? Oh you want me to come by and pick up my christmas gift how nice, oh and you can't be bothered with picking up your Valentine's gift, you're busy. You know looking at this in print I'm beginning to wonder who amazingly pathetic I was.
Talk about calling a spade a spade.
Friday, April 5, 2013
April 5, 2013
Some things hit so deep the pain can't be communicated. Sometimes our children make decisions that impact us so deeply it goes all the way to their birth. And then in a blink of an eye our lives are forever changed and we just know that it was really our fault as their parent. You go through every scenario possible thinking did I spank her when I should have, or did I spank her at all. Did I somehow influence her thinking in a way that would work against her later. Did I forget to teach integrity. Did my strength to endure hardship fail to get passed to her. Are my grandparents watching and oh my God I'm so sorry I failed. Did I work too many hours. I just know years ago I had a conversation with a man who owned a large feed yard full of cows and acres of farm land that spread all over the northside of the valley. He said he and his wife had three children and they lived in the valley. When the kids began highschool the father made the decision to put all three of them in private school away from here. He didn't want to take any chances of them being negatively influenced. His wife hated him for it and later they divorced. His children became a doctor, a judge and I believe a lawyer, he was satisfied that they had succeeded, they had avoided pregnancies, drugs, and the law. Maybe he's right.
I took them to church, but I was a single parent and of course they say the odds are stacked against you. I will continue to pray heavily, I just find blogging incredibly difficult today.
In the process I pushed someone away from me. We hadn't really been talking, it was a series of, I just don't know anymore. It was a series of frustrations and lack of understanding and my need for a real meaningful dependable relationship. I don't believe blogs are supposed to be so personal but I think sometimes that things are personal and they cut deep. It's interesting how when your child makes a bad decision or just fails to make a good one you don't stop loving them. You don't understand why things happen the way they do but the love is not removed. I wonder if that's how God loves us, thank God. He must look at everything we do and yet still he loves us.
And yet I can't seem to breathe or laugh. I feel no joy, just a deep sadness.
Some things hit so deep the pain can't be communicated. Sometimes our children make decisions that impact us so deeply it goes all the way to their birth. And then in a blink of an eye our lives are forever changed and we just know that it was really our fault as their parent. You go through every scenario possible thinking did I spank her when I should have, or did I spank her at all. Did I somehow influence her thinking in a way that would work against her later. Did I forget to teach integrity. Did my strength to endure hardship fail to get passed to her. Are my grandparents watching and oh my God I'm so sorry I failed. Did I work too many hours. I just know years ago I had a conversation with a man who owned a large feed yard full of cows and acres of farm land that spread all over the northside of the valley. He said he and his wife had three children and they lived in the valley. When the kids began highschool the father made the decision to put all three of them in private school away from here. He didn't want to take any chances of them being negatively influenced. His wife hated him for it and later they divorced. His children became a doctor, a judge and I believe a lawyer, he was satisfied that they had succeeded, they had avoided pregnancies, drugs, and the law. Maybe he's right.
I took them to church, but I was a single parent and of course they say the odds are stacked against you. I will continue to pray heavily, I just find blogging incredibly difficult today.
In the process I pushed someone away from me. We hadn't really been talking, it was a series of, I just don't know anymore. It was a series of frustrations and lack of understanding and my need for a real meaningful dependable relationship. I don't believe blogs are supposed to be so personal but I think sometimes that things are personal and they cut deep. It's interesting how when your child makes a bad decision or just fails to make a good one you don't stop loving them. You don't understand why things happen the way they do but the love is not removed. I wonder if that's how God loves us, thank God. He must look at everything we do and yet still he loves us.
And yet I can't seem to breathe or laugh. I feel no joy, just a deep sadness.
Monday, April 1, 2013
April 1, 2013;
So I have a secret (I'm not quite sure you'd call it an admirer, I'm thinking pest) admirer. I refer to him as the boomeister. He likes to call me Boo, I'd like it if he didn't call me period. I don't answer when he tries.
I will start this by saying that I am amazed at the length some males (men, boys, I don't know) will go to in an attempt to get a woman in bed, or get their attention or just get something, anything. It started with simple conversations, hows your day, how are you, saw you on facebook, just general things. Then one day it happened, he got bossy, he thought he would tell me how I should feel or act and what he didn't like. Excuse me? And you are who? It was at that point I believe that I realized this person was having a relationship with me, without me in his head. So I walked away from acknowledging he existed and I was good with that.
I didn't hear from him for a couple of months or maybe 3 I don't really remember, I just know it was peaceful. Then out of the blue came the text messages, you broke my heart I would have done anything to spend time with you, I love you, I can't live without you in my life, I just don't know what to do, I want to marry you. Whoa...aren't you supposed to have had a date or something in order for all of this to flow from your inner being? I have read the diagnostic manual for psychological disorders, various psychosis and mental illness, I haven't read not one thing about this one, well maybe dillusional behavior. But he kept texting and texting like he was puking or something, at least I felt like he was puking and I'm not quite sure why. Then he began talking about moving out of town and not wanting to go and he was going to die if he didn't get to see me that very evening no exceptions. Dude seriously? It's 11:00 at night, I'm sleeping and I'd like to continue sleeping, go to bed and if you can't, just go. The next day I get a text, hes going out of town. Okay and? Then I hear nothing for weeks again. The heartfelt emotions must have subsided or passed like bad gas or he got a new toy or he forgot he couldn't live without me and wanted to marry me, his inability to survive without me must have passed like a bad bowel movement.
Then out of the blue I get a text "ok I can't live without you what do I need to do to fix this?" Apparently, somewhere in the relationship we were having in his head we must have had a fight or broke up or grew apart or never knew each other? I wasn't sure so I ignored him, since I figured there was nothing he could do to fix something that had never existed.
Finally, I decided if we were having this affair, marriage, can't live without each other relationship and the only time he communicated with me in reality was when there was some type of discord, I figured he and I would work through it successfully and return to our wedded bliss, without any interference from an outside source, namely me.
A number of days have gone by and as I suspected our relationship must be back on course to its blissful state of unity since I haven't heard from him.
So I have a secret (I'm not quite sure you'd call it an admirer, I'm thinking pest) admirer. I refer to him as the boomeister. He likes to call me Boo, I'd like it if he didn't call me period. I don't answer when he tries.
I will start this by saying that I am amazed at the length some males (men, boys, I don't know) will go to in an attempt to get a woman in bed, or get their attention or just get something, anything. It started with simple conversations, hows your day, how are you, saw you on facebook, just general things. Then one day it happened, he got bossy, he thought he would tell me how I should feel or act and what he didn't like. Excuse me? And you are who? It was at that point I believe that I realized this person was having a relationship with me, without me in his head. So I walked away from acknowledging he existed and I was good with that.
I didn't hear from him for a couple of months or maybe 3 I don't really remember, I just know it was peaceful. Then out of the blue came the text messages, you broke my heart I would have done anything to spend time with you, I love you, I can't live without you in my life, I just don't know what to do, I want to marry you. Whoa...aren't you supposed to have had a date or something in order for all of this to flow from your inner being? I have read the diagnostic manual for psychological disorders, various psychosis and mental illness, I haven't read not one thing about this one, well maybe dillusional behavior. But he kept texting and texting like he was puking or something, at least I felt like he was puking and I'm not quite sure why. Then he began talking about moving out of town and not wanting to go and he was going to die if he didn't get to see me that very evening no exceptions. Dude seriously? It's 11:00 at night, I'm sleeping and I'd like to continue sleeping, go to bed and if you can't, just go. The next day I get a text, hes going out of town. Okay and? Then I hear nothing for weeks again. The heartfelt emotions must have subsided or passed like bad gas or he got a new toy or he forgot he couldn't live without me and wanted to marry me, his inability to survive without me must have passed like a bad bowel movement.
Then out of the blue I get a text "ok I can't live without you what do I need to do to fix this?" Apparently, somewhere in the relationship we were having in his head we must have had a fight or broke up or grew apart or never knew each other? I wasn't sure so I ignored him, since I figured there was nothing he could do to fix something that had never existed.
Finally, I decided if we were having this affair, marriage, can't live without each other relationship and the only time he communicated with me in reality was when there was some type of discord, I figured he and I would work through it successfully and return to our wedded bliss, without any interference from an outside source, namely me.
A number of days have gone by and as I suspected our relationship must be back on course to its blissful state of unity since I haven't heard from him.
April 1, 2013;
Today I got told about my absence from posting for a few days but I was and am so tired. It's definitely not because my life has lacked activity because that's what exhausts me. Easter was exhausting especially since I enjoy cooking, but try to get everyone around the table. That was not going to happen. First of all my table isn't big enough which is why I suggested the large picnic table outside but after a day of cooking, 3 people sat down to eat. What exactly has happened to family dinner. I see pictures of it and I watch movies with scenes that include it and you would think my daughters would expect to do it since they grew up that way. But nooo, the parents apparently don't make the kids who are not hungry sit down for dinner because who wants to spend time training their children to have table manners and respect, and some of the adults, well they just don't want to yet. So, me and my two oldest sat down and ate what took me all day to prepare and the day before shopping. That was frustrating to say the least. To make a large dinner, then break it down put it into containers in the fridge, mind you it's the day after and there is nothing left. What I should do is make the food pack it up, put it in the fridge and let them dig in, Weird!
The day before Easter is spent shopping for food, last minute basket items and a couple outfits for each child, there are seven grandchildren. Which brings me to my shopping expedition at K-Mart. My daughter had chosen 2 bathingsuits for 2 of the granddaughters, now I like tankinis and bottoms with the matching shorts and so does my oldest so we picked out what we thought were cute bathingsuits, until......one of my granddaughters showed up at the store to get a bathingsuit to go to the river in with her friends. We saw her and told her we were buying her another bathingsuit and she didn't need to get another one. My oldest explained to her that even if she picked a suit out it could not be a bikini. Now I'm going to tell you the story before I tell you her AGE.
We went to check out and found ourselves in line directly behind her, her friend and her friend's older brother who was paying for the items they shopped for. In her hand I see a bathing suit so I asked her what's that? She explained oh it's my bathingsuit they're going to buy for me for the river. Really? I said so I asked her to see it. Lo and behold it's a bikini, a teeny tiny bikini. I said I told you I'm buying one for you, why are you making Chris (her friend's older brother) buy another one and why a bikini (dumb question). She begins to whine it's for the river he said I could, so I told Chris, no she's not going to wear a bikini to the river I'm buying her a suit, it's right here I'll give it to you when I check out. He said it was fine he had no problem with cooperating, however the girls, who were standing in front of me (directly in front of me) began a conversation. I want this one, so her friend, by the way her name is Katie, said well just put it up there my dad will buy it for you, you can keep it at my house to go to the river in. So she's trying to slide it over to Katie and they do manage to get it up to the checker, mind you I'm watching the scenario play itself out, I wondered that possibly they didn't see me standing directly behind them or they thought I was deaf and dumb? The checker then says to Chris, this too pointing to the suit? He looks at both the girls and says your grandma said no I'm not going against her. So the bathingsuit gets put back, I buy the other one, give it to Chris. Now you would think that would be the end of the story right???? Uhhh NO.
Apparently, when they get back to Katie's house a fit is thrown by my granddaughter about how much she hates the suit and wants another one. So much so that Katie's father (Shorty) goes back to K-Mart and buys (guess what kind) yup the bikini. So she goes to the river in her little bikini. Now you think that's the end of the story Uhhhh NO. Late that evening she comes home in the bikini (mind you I still haven't told you her age) and I ask her wheres the suit I bought you. Oh right here and I notice the tags are still on it ANNND she's wearing the bikini under her clothes, so I ask her what do you have on? Oh a bathing suit. Really, where did that one come from? Oh Shorty's. I don't understand you wore this to the river? Yea. And when did you buy this? Before we went to the river. So you bought this one after you left K-Mart? So you came back? Yea on our way to the river Shorty stopped at K-Mart again. So later I corner Katie and find out my lovely granddaughter threw a fit and cried to not wear the suit I bought and Shorty took her back to the store to get the suit she wanted.
In this one incident I learned that my granddaughter had lied to me, her friend was willing to help her buy the suit right in front of me if it could happen and manipulate her friend's father all in order to wear a teeny weeny bikini to the river in a boat. Cute huh??
And how old is this granddaughter of mine??? 7. Seven years old. Yea that young and that manipulative.
I had to have the talk about modesty and why it's important and why lying to grandmother is unacceptable and what could happen to little girls at the river. 7 years old. This child is the product of a teenage pregnancy and therefore spends half the time with her mother and half the time with her (well grandmother on the other side because dad's young and doesn't score high on any IQ test). The paternal grandmother owns a bar, which my granddaughter spends a great deal of time in and since the bar has bar and grill on the sign, apparently according to the law this is fine. According to grandma on that side that's fine, bikinis are fine and all sorts of other things are fine. I know that it would appear to be a losing battle, but it's definitely a battle I more than happy to wage every day for the rest of my life. She's my granddaughter, she doesn't like me right now, but I'm very good with that and besides she's my granddaughter.
Today I got told about my absence from posting for a few days but I was and am so tired. It's definitely not because my life has lacked activity because that's what exhausts me. Easter was exhausting especially since I enjoy cooking, but try to get everyone around the table. That was not going to happen. First of all my table isn't big enough which is why I suggested the large picnic table outside but after a day of cooking, 3 people sat down to eat. What exactly has happened to family dinner. I see pictures of it and I watch movies with scenes that include it and you would think my daughters would expect to do it since they grew up that way. But nooo, the parents apparently don't make the kids who are not hungry sit down for dinner because who wants to spend time training their children to have table manners and respect, and some of the adults, well they just don't want to yet. So, me and my two oldest sat down and ate what took me all day to prepare and the day before shopping. That was frustrating to say the least. To make a large dinner, then break it down put it into containers in the fridge, mind you it's the day after and there is nothing left. What I should do is make the food pack it up, put it in the fridge and let them dig in, Weird!
The day before Easter is spent shopping for food, last minute basket items and a couple outfits for each child, there are seven grandchildren. Which brings me to my shopping expedition at K-Mart. My daughter had chosen 2 bathingsuits for 2 of the granddaughters, now I like tankinis and bottoms with the matching shorts and so does my oldest so we picked out what we thought were cute bathingsuits, until......one of my granddaughters showed up at the store to get a bathingsuit to go to the river in with her friends. We saw her and told her we were buying her another bathingsuit and she didn't need to get another one. My oldest explained to her that even if she picked a suit out it could not be a bikini. Now I'm going to tell you the story before I tell you her AGE.
We went to check out and found ourselves in line directly behind her, her friend and her friend's older brother who was paying for the items they shopped for. In her hand I see a bathing suit so I asked her what's that? She explained oh it's my bathingsuit they're going to buy for me for the river. Really? I said so I asked her to see it. Lo and behold it's a bikini, a teeny tiny bikini. I said I told you I'm buying one for you, why are you making Chris (her friend's older brother) buy another one and why a bikini (dumb question). She begins to whine it's for the river he said I could, so I told Chris, no she's not going to wear a bikini to the river I'm buying her a suit, it's right here I'll give it to you when I check out. He said it was fine he had no problem with cooperating, however the girls, who were standing in front of me (directly in front of me) began a conversation. I want this one, so her friend, by the way her name is Katie, said well just put it up there my dad will buy it for you, you can keep it at my house to go to the river in. So she's trying to slide it over to Katie and they do manage to get it up to the checker, mind you I'm watching the scenario play itself out, I wondered that possibly they didn't see me standing directly behind them or they thought I was deaf and dumb? The checker then says to Chris, this too pointing to the suit? He looks at both the girls and says your grandma said no I'm not going against her. So the bathingsuit gets put back, I buy the other one, give it to Chris. Now you would think that would be the end of the story right???? Uhhh NO.
Apparently, when they get back to Katie's house a fit is thrown by my granddaughter about how much she hates the suit and wants another one. So much so that Katie's father (Shorty) goes back to K-Mart and buys (guess what kind) yup the bikini. So she goes to the river in her little bikini. Now you think that's the end of the story Uhhhh NO. Late that evening she comes home in the bikini (mind you I still haven't told you her age) and I ask her wheres the suit I bought you. Oh right here and I notice the tags are still on it ANNND she's wearing the bikini under her clothes, so I ask her what do you have on? Oh a bathing suit. Really, where did that one come from? Oh Shorty's. I don't understand you wore this to the river? Yea. And when did you buy this? Before we went to the river. So you bought this one after you left K-Mart? So you came back? Yea on our way to the river Shorty stopped at K-Mart again. So later I corner Katie and find out my lovely granddaughter threw a fit and cried to not wear the suit I bought and Shorty took her back to the store to get the suit she wanted.
In this one incident I learned that my granddaughter had lied to me, her friend was willing to help her buy the suit right in front of me if it could happen and manipulate her friend's father all in order to wear a teeny weeny bikini to the river in a boat. Cute huh??
And how old is this granddaughter of mine??? 7. Seven years old. Yea that young and that manipulative.
I had to have the talk about modesty and why it's important and why lying to grandmother is unacceptable and what could happen to little girls at the river. 7 years old. This child is the product of a teenage pregnancy and therefore spends half the time with her mother and half the time with her (well grandmother on the other side because dad's young and doesn't score high on any IQ test). The paternal grandmother owns a bar, which my granddaughter spends a great deal of time in and since the bar has bar and grill on the sign, apparently according to the law this is fine. According to grandma on that side that's fine, bikinis are fine and all sorts of other things are fine. I know that it would appear to be a losing battle, but it's definitely a battle I more than happy to wage every day for the rest of my life. She's my granddaughter, she doesn't like me right now, but I'm very good with that and besides she's my granddaughter.
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