April 5, 2013

Some things hit so deep the pain can't be communicated.  Sometimes our children make decisions that impact us so deeply it goes all the way to their birth.  And then in a blink of an eye our lives are forever changed and we just know that it was really our fault as their parent.  You go through every scenario possible thinking did I spank her when I should have, or did I spank her at all.  Did I somehow influence her thinking in a way that would work against her later.  Did I forget to teach integrity.  Did my strength to endure hardship fail to get passed to her.  Are my grandparents watching and oh my God I'm so sorry I failed.  Did I work too many hours.  I just know years ago I had a conversation with a man who owned a large feed yard full of cows and acres of farm land that spread all over the northside of the valley.  He said he and his wife had three children and they lived in the valley.  When the kids began highschool the father made the decision to put all three of them in private school away from here.  He didn't want to take any chances of them being negatively influenced.  His wife hated him for it and later they divorced.  His children became a doctor, a judge and I believe a lawyer, he was satisfied that they had succeeded, they had avoided pregnancies, drugs, and the law.  Maybe he's right.

I took them to church, but I was a single parent and of course they say the odds are stacked against you.  I will continue to pray heavily, I just find blogging incredibly difficult today.

In the process I pushed someone away from me.  We hadn't really been talking, it was a series of, I just don't know anymore.  It was a series of frustrations and lack of understanding and my need for a real meaningful dependable relationship.  I don't believe blogs are supposed to be so personal but I think sometimes that things are personal and they cut deep.  It's interesting how when your child makes a bad decision or just fails to make a good one you don't stop loving them.  You don't understand why things happen the way they do but the love is not removed.  I wonder if that's how God loves us, thank God.  He must look at everything we do and yet still he loves us. 

And yet I can't seem to breathe or laugh.  I feel no joy, just a deep sadness.