April 18, 2013;

One of the most important jobs we take on as human being is to care for ourselves.  There are many sayings such as; you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself, among many others.  I had a conversation with someone a couple of days ago whom I had previously had a relationship with.  We are both strong opinioned and we both want rule over our own lives.  However, he's a man and I believe he's a sort of alpha man or maybe in the middle I'm not really quite sure.  But he believes (athough he won't say) that he has done everything correctly in the relationship and I being the (bitch that I am) have done everything wrong including emasculate him by not accepting the terms of our agreement and indicating that he couldn't meet my needs (by the way I emphasized time, doing things, going places, not money).  In the beginning of our agreement I believed above all else that he was a genuine good person with a heart of gold.  Obviously today I do not feel that way, however the most important thing about all of this is to consider how does the other person make you feel?  How does your relationship with whomever it is make you feel? 

Now, at first I thought it was about how he treated me or spoke to me, and although that is a component of it it isn't all of it.  How does being around this person make you feel and how do you feel after they have gone.  I had to think about this for a long time because when we first spent time together he made me feel wonderful, he was considerate, kind and generous.  Generous with his affection and his time.  Considerate in that he considered my feelings and how things made me feel and whether or not I was ok.  Of course he was kind. 

But time passed, and things changed, he would say I changed and of course I would say he changed, regardless things changed.  Sometimes it was due to family emergencies, family functions, work or any number of things however, when before I would say we should talk, we would.  Later when he or I would say we should talk we would not.  Conversations became very centered on his life and what was going on with him.  I could actually put the phone on my desk, keep working and he'd still be talking.  Then there were times when he was shopping up town and he'd be on the phone with me, I'd be talking and he would start talking to someone else and then tell me to hang on, I'd ask to hang up and of course he would say no, no, I'm listening.....Really?  And then the infamous texting while you are supposedly having a conversation.  I loved that one.  That was a constant, I continually competed for time over the phone and that is just completely socially unacceptable. 

I remember one conversation I had with him on the phone we were discussing men and women relationships, and boy was he willing to tell me what was wrong with me.  He laid it out and held nothing back and in the same conversation would attempt to tell me how much he loved me.  I never lied to him, never attempted manipulation, I never held back from him, however, when we would talk he would explain how no matter what I said it was a form of manipulation. This was of course his way of manipulating the situation to get me to realize that any needs that I had were manipulations on him (isn't that cute???). 

Finally, in one of our last conversations, he explained in no uncertain terms how because I was unwilling to accept the way he treated that I was making him not feel like a man.  That my complaint made him feel like less than a man.  My complaint was being put on the backburner all the time and never spending time together.  However, what I learned was that my expressing my opinion about his lack of treatment towards him was unacceptable and therefore, he turned the conversation to my inability to make him feel like a man, you talk about manipulation. 

So, how did his treatment of me make me feel, not like a woman.  Without saying the exact words he made me feel insignificant, unimportant, inconsequential and very frustrated.  He asked me if he made me angry and at first I said no, but after I left and cried for two days I realized yes, he made me very angry, intolerabally angry.  And he definitely did not make me feel like a woman. 

So should we keep allowing this person who does not value us, love us, or care for us stay in our lives? No.  We have to love ourselves enough to walk away, enjoy our independence, our lives and our other friends and definitely not look back.  When someone does not appreciate you and continually tries to demean you walk away.  Run away.  They don't deserve you, I finally realized that he's not man enough to be in my life, but there is someone who is and he loves me for who I am, he accepts me just the way I am and he celebrates it. 

Like so many things it's a no brainer, we have to love ourselves enough to demand the right treatment and when it's no longer there, and we've discussed then it's time to protect ourselves.  Just because it's not physical abuse does not mean that it is not mental and emotional abuse.