April 9, 2013

Well the last week has been straight from the pit of hell, but that is part of the whole process I guess.  Have you ever known someone that treated you as a friend and then when they saw the ugly parts of you, they decided to become a friend of convenience.  Relationships between the sexes are complex and very conditional, that would even apply to some father daughter relationships.  Yes, there are those that are very conditional and there are those that are simple air. 

It is a rare thing to find a man that will be your friend through thick and thin, stand by you no matter what and weather every storm.  By that same token it is difficult to find a woman that would do the same.  I know people who have found those types of individuals, I know them, however I don't know where they found them because I have yet to meet an indivdual from that gene pool.  I am related to types of that kind however, I believe that is incest and not desirable in the least. 

I have only had the type of male and female relationships that were conditional, based on my good behavior and performance.  If I was real good he might call and then again he might not.  If I was pleasant enough he might even come home, of course he wouldn't stay but he'd come home.  I've never met a man that would provide for me, so I figured it didn't exist and I always provided for myself and my girls.  I finally developed what I thought was a true relationship/friendship but it wasn't.  It depended on my performance and my good behavior and my willingness to wait long enough, suffer enough, prove my love enough........it was exhausting.  And I was never quite good enough, how good is good enough anyway.  How clean is clean, how acceptable is acceptable and how religious would be considered religious enough.  I believe I have entered into Alice and Wonderland, up is down, right is wrong, truths are really lies if you squint and slightly turn your head and love is a matter of an emotional rush that is conditional and only lasts for a moment.  Its like having a relationship with the mad hatter and having the queen yell "off with her head". 

All my life I only wanted small things, tuna sandwiches, a garden, a small home, I love Lucy, cooking, sewing, baking just peace oh and one marriage to my best friend (who by the way slept with my other best friend).  I am told repeatedly that I was meant for greatness (I believe it's highly overrated), that I needed to fulfill my destiny so I went to school and now I'm on my last year.  And then what???  Oh yea greatness, exactly what ile is that on?  I wonder do I buy the name brand or will the store brand due? 

I was told by my friend that if I didn't finish my doctorate I wouldn't have to worry he wouldn't have anything to do with me.  Ya know, I love to be hurt, could you please oh please just hit me again??  Oh what did you say you're busy, too busy to talk?  Oh you have so much going on you just can't be bothered?  Oh you want me to come by and pick up my christmas gift how nice, oh and you can't be bothered with picking up your Valentine's gift, you're busy.  You know looking at this in print I'm beginning to wonder who amazingly pathetic I was. 

Talk about calling a spade a spade.