August, 14, 2015

I'm a bit overwhelmed I'm trying to finish my doctorate and it looks like I'll be going into a credentialing program.  I'm really praying about it because the cost for both is phenomenal so I have choices.  It's where I am I need to stay away from playing the blame game and focus on what God has before me.  He's the one that opened the door I believe he's the one that will pave the way for me.  My youngest daughter is back in town. She doesn't think I know it but that's okay I'm so busy right now there's no way I can give wasted emotions on the choices she has made.  She belongs to God too, she's his daughter I pray for her all the time I know He has a plan and I trust Him.

Onward and upward, lesson plans, a new school, teaching middle school age kids.

August 10, 2015

I just read my blog from July 25th about being faithful in the small things and just begin to enjoy the process.  It was about two weeks later a friend recommended me for a job and in a blink of an eye I was smack dab in the middle of my destiny.  God can move in a twinkle of an eye and change everything.  I plan on watching how He plans on unfolding the whole thing in front of me.  If He started it it is his responsibility to make it work and that really makes me happy!!!!

August 10, 2015

So I start my common core training tomorrow I'm really excited and yet it pales in comparison to what is going on around me.  I have two friends are lives are upside down.

The first one's life is upside down because things seem to be falling apart around her.  Everything that once worked is no longer working.  Her marriage is no more, and no matter how hard she tries to keep pressing on she seems to get pushed down at every turn.  I'm not always sure what to say so I listen and offer support.  She lives across the country so my support is verbal over the phone.  Sometimes you just feel inadequate for the problems those you care for go through.

Another friend just lost her husband, he committed suicide. I watch her in her pain, it's so deep, she is shattered to pieces.  I know God will put her together over time but its so hard for her to just breathe.  I have no words so I just hold her and we cry.  There is nothing more important than the privacy and confidence of a friend.  I just hold her.  She's so amazing, people come by to offer their condolences and she comforts them.  She asks about their lives and how they are doing, then she offers support and encouragement.  She blows me away.  God has something so wonderful for her, she is a spiritual giant wrapped in humility.

God continues to show me other women who are amazing, each one is different and yet each one is truly amazing in her own calling.  I am blessed to know the women that I know, they have incredible strength of character and integrity.  They are all daughters of the King and each one is individual and exquisite.

Everyday I learn something from them and their pain.  They carry it with beauty when their eyes tear up from the weight of the burdens they carry.  Sometimes the weight shows in their faces and yet still their depth is so visible.  I am amazed at the way God created women and how multifaceted we are.

August 5, 2015

Everything has changed in my life, I'm a teacher now and very happy about being back in the classroom with kids.  It was a very quick process, I was told to apply, I did, I immediately interviewed and I was hired.  Wow!!  Then immediately following I was notified by our local college that my application to teach has been approved and they would be contacting me, hmmm.  All of it really fast.

Its time for me to let go of everything that has been in the past and begin again.  But......even though that sounds like perfection (and I fully believe my job is, as well as all the new friends, they are way cool) there are things in my life that I still have to work at letting go.  Mostly, because I don't understand how some people can be so superficial, so manipulative and coercive and walk around like they are so pure and genuine.  I wonder why they are allowed to live on the planet.  But I do know that God talks about the wheat and the chaff and letting them grow together until the harvest so that you don't accidentally pull up wheat thinking it's chaff and destroy the good part.  I just don't know why so much chaff has found its way into my life at one time or another.  Thank God I have been able to remove the chaff from my life I just haven't been able to remove it from the planet so I don't have to ever see it again lol.  It just isn't possible to make chaff into wheat, you can try, and try again, but its chaff ughhh.

Madea has the best soliloquie on knowing the difference between a leaf and a branch and then finally roots.  I find once you have been used and abused by a person long enough they make you callous and then its easy to walk away.  The last person that did this was actually worse than all the others.  It was so intentional, so manipulative and overt.  Of course he was allowed in at the weakest time in my life and of course he took advantage of it repeatedly.  I guess I should be thankful because he taught me everything about what I don't want in a man.  I never knew they could be made like that and at the same time claim to be something completely opposite.  At least with a drug addict, he's a drug addict there's no pretending, it is what it is.  But when someone pretends to be genuine and slithers up alongside of you in costume, lying and manipulating you intentionally, that's a whole other animal.

I do really well not hearing from him.  I'll go weeks and not think about him at all, and then some tragedy happened and of course he wanted the details so he called me pretending to care, whatever.  And honestly, all I could say was thanks for calling.  He could have not cared less about the event, he just wanted the details and he thought he would get them from me ughhh.  No.  Then I think about him, get sick to my stomach, regret ever knowing the person.  All I really wanted to say on the phone was, "Are you seriously still on the planet?"  "Why?"  and "Why are you calling me, I don't even recognize your voice on the phone?"  and finally "Oh geeez it's you".   Like suddenly I'm going to confide in you every detail so you can run to someone else and tell them everything appearing to be all knowing.  What an idiot!

So there lies my dilemma.  Now is my dilemma that I'm not able to not be negatively affected by this individual? Or is my dilemma that he is still breathing.  I vote its because he's still breathing lol.  But really I would like to forget I ever met this person.  I explained to him that I am dead to him so when another tragedy takes place remember that and realize that you can't call dead people, okay?  All this wisdom from a doctoral candidate.........it sounds like a 15 year old.  Sometimes there are people in this world that we will come across and they simply will not be able to bring out the best in us, they will actually bring out the worst.  There are those people that should not be in our lives, they are toxic to us and therefore we need to remove ourselves from relationship with them.  They bring us down, they depress us, they confuse us, and they cause us to second guess ourselves.  They are simply using us to make themselves feel better about themselves because really they are insecure about themselves and feel inadequate.  So they can only validate themselves by putting you down or using you to get what they need.

I talk to God about it I've prayed that I would forget and much of the time I do.  I don't want to allow myself to be affected by someone I know longer regard.  A couple of days and I'll forget again.  

July 25, 2015

Within two weeks time I have discussed jobs with two different entities.  I had a friend tell me one time to look for jobs in unlikely places.  She said to apply all over, so I did.  Its a different world now, I'm negotiating salaries and that's just a little weird to me but, it's all good.  My dissertation continues on, I've sent back the revisions from the committee member to my chair, if anything should change it'll be minor.  Meanwhile I'm putting together my checklist and waiting.

Group meetings are going well I just love all of them but I have a vision for bigger meetings and expanded group activities etc.  If it's one thing I want the women to learn is the joy of the Lord and his desire to be involved in their lives.

The funniest thing happened to me, I was watching TBN and everyday at 11:30 this guy (preacher) came on and I've never paid attention to this guy he's a tall gentleman, medium build, blond and fair features, all the things I'm not particularly interested in paying attention to. But there was nothing left to listen to and I was waiting to leave so I just listened.  I expected him to go blah blah blah I'm a boring preacher I ramble on .....................  But then he said something, he asked if we wanted to when God would tell us our destiny, he said I bet you wish He would just tell you so you could just go in that direction.  And then finally, I can tell you when He will tell you what your destiny is....  Then there was a pause.  He said it'll be when you are in the middle of it and He'll confirm it for you.  But you'll already be there, doing it, living it and then yes this is your destiny.  Here I was waiting for the moment when someone was going to tell me when God would let me know what my destiny was and plop!!  Finally the best advice I've ever heard, He said be faithful in the gifting that God has given you no matter how small it is.  Just keep being faithful and use your gift even when your tired of it and don't see a light at the end.  Joseph in the Bible never really knew how he would get to where he was going.  He had a vision of his brothers bowing down but that's all he had.  He had no idea that any of the future events were all part of the step by step process God was leading him through to get to the Pharaoh and be his right hand man in charge of everything.  But when you're thrown into a pit to die, accused of rape and thrown in prison and forgotten I think it would be very easy to become bitter and begin to think that he would just die there.  And really, we don't know if he didn't have moments of depression and hopelessness.  But when the Baker and the Taster asked Joseph to interpret their dreams he did it.  He used his gifts, for a moment he didn't allow his pain to shut him down and become bitter.  Instead, he gave them their interpretations.  That moment was his defining moment.  In that moment he made a decision to just use his gift and meet another person's need.  Most people think the defining moment for Joseph was when he interpreted Pharoah's dreams but it wasn't.  He had to be faithful in that small defining moment in prison before he was allowed to go before the Pharoah.  Actually that small defining moment was what brought him before Pharoah.  That's important and actually that is key.  You really don't know which small moment in your time will be the defining moment that unlocks the door to your destiny.  But it will be small and it will require you looking beyond yourself and being obedient to God's leading.

When the light bulb came on I finally realized that it didn't matter how small or large the group was I needed to be faithful in what God has called me to do no matter what and no matter how small.  The Word says to not despise small beginnings........now I really understand why.  I don't know which small moment of obedience will be my defining moment but I do know it will be within my faithfulness using the gifts he's given me in a small and seemingly unimportant way.  That one small moment will be the key that will unlock the door to the next level of God's destiny and that is very exciting to me!

July 17, 2015

Another day.  I didn't mention my middle daughter Emily is pregnant, 7 months to be exact.  Her life is finally calming down and I think it's too much for her.  The art of living a calm peaceful life takes focus.  It takes working towards that peace everyday and when your life has finally achieved a level of calm you may find yourself feeling a bit bored with no challenge, nothing to worry about, no make up sex.  And in that calmness there is no adrenaline rush, no dopamine to the brain, so whats next.  Well, maybe the business of building a life spending time with your kids, possibly working on the house or apartment to make things better than just calm, but creating a nice comfy living space and lifestyle.  Believe it or not, it takes time and focus to climb the ladder of doing better step by step, overcoming obstacles, achieving excellence, and learning what taking a vacation is.  My daughter would call it a life of boredom, or mediocrity.  Isn't it funny how hard you have to climb to get out of the drama, the struggle, the bar hopping, the frustration, and the inability to pay the bills all the way to a mediocre life style.  It's really not mediocre, its called peaceful, stable, freedom from a traumatic lifestyle.  And finally, you have room to breathe and then room to grow, as a person, family, and parent.  Two of my daughters have achieved this place in their lives, one is now working on her bachelors and the other is putting together her children's rooms, preparing for a child.  Finally.

Years ago I heard Kenneth Copeland, an evangelist, say to his audience while he pointed his finger at them...."if it wasn't for your grandmothers who took the time to sit in their rockers and pray for you, you wouldn't be here today".  I believe that.  I believe as mothers and grandmothers it is our job to pray our families into the kingdom of God and into lives of prosperity, health, and peace.

July 16, 2015,

My life is changing.......a lot and I like it.  I love the group of women I have the privilege of working with and I like my kids.  I love working on my dissertation, especially since it will now be going into the approval stage and data collection yaaaaaaaay!!!!  God is really good!!

God is bringing peace into my life.

Now for a story:

Okay, so my granddaughter's dog had puppies mainly because my daughter doesn't know how to complete tasks on a timely basis.  So her dog got pregnant, had five puppies, one died (very sad) and four have taken over the entire property.....and I think neighborhood.  Anyway, so we have these dogs, there are five altogether with the mother whom has now been fixed after the fact, not quite sure how that helps with the other dogs but ok.  So they are chiwawa mixed with God only knows what.  Oh and God only knows how many different mixes because I think one is a dachshund/chiwawa weird little dude.  Anyway there is this one dog and he is brown and white with abnormally long legs and he stays pretty thin. He crawls up and over the fence, he can jump as high as my shoulders, so I named him Jackalope.  I always called him the Jackalope dog.  So...he made a hole in the fenced with his nose, oh by the way it was chain link so how he did this was just bizarre, but he did.  Then I got a rope and I laced it all through, so he chewed it up.  Then in the middle of the night I put a huge rock in the hole just because he would go through and then all the others would follow.  He took his paws and pushed it through....repeatedly.

 So now to the story since you have all the background.
Last night I was asleep then around 3:00 a.m. I hear noises all around my house.  I hear walking on the side of my home, I hear footsteps in the front.  But what I don't hear are the dogs, usually they bark all night especially if Jackalope crawled over the fence...mostly because they are jealous.  So....I continue to hear steps and then I hear what I believe are voices so I call the police just to have them drive by the house just to do a property check, no big deal.  I turn on my porch light and I look around but I stayed in the house,I saw nothing.  Finally, the police drove by, everything's  quiet and then one of the dogs begin to bark and I realize he's barking out front.  I go outside, all the dogs are everywhere outside they have hauled trash from the neighbors to my front yard and are basically having a party.  I go back inside to get a robe on and I hear them barking and barking, they are chasing weirdos on their bikes down the street with the people yelling at them.  Great 3:00 a.m. entertainment......not!!  I get the dogs in the house I put them out back and I shove a rock in the hole because at 3:00 a.m. there are no stores selling fencing or anything else.  I laid down to hear the huge rock hit the ground and the dogs go running....I give up!!!! I hate the dogs I'm going to sleep.

In the morning my mother pulls up to see the dogs across the street inside my neighbors gated yard just relaxing and enjoying themselves.  Assholes!!!  They come running when they see her and we again put them in the backyard. By now my front yard looks like the dump.  My last resort other than building a 6 foot high brick wall, was chicken wire fence that was recommended.  We put it up against the fence and attached it.

 So far they are in and I just might get some sleep tonight!!!!  Oh and I'm more than positive that the police think I'm a nut...to say the least.

July 6, 2015

I don't understand how it's possible to get so angry while looking at a situation as though it is completely hopeless, you're a complete loser and you just want to crawl in a hole and die, to its okay, I can do this everything is at peace.  Now mind you nothing has really happened no one told me I couldn't do it, or do whatever I wanted I just believed I couldn't.

Earlier today I got a lovely newsletter from my old church.  There was an unsavory situation and let's just say that the real character of a few people came out.  Of course the interim preacher they called to pastor the church for a while left a trail of damage, but why should he care what he did he's gone, never to return.  I saw something that was truly intended for viewing and honestly it didn't bother me except that I knew it was meant for my viewing.  I have no desire to ever play the piano there again, I don't miss it, I can play anywhere else I'd like to its not a problem.  I think it was just the attitude that two men took in their own hate and conceit  to publicize their attitudes for all to see.  It was creepy but I guess true colors come out in the end.  Sad part was I never did anything to either one of them except I saw them for who they are.  I didn't react to it, I didn't care but I saw it.  So now like a couple of snakes they slither around with grimacing looks on their faces spewing venom.  So bizarre, be careful little ones what you see......I don't know why I've always been targeted that way.  Men like that have always made themselves known to women like me.  I don't know why, except they don't like strong women so they set their sights on them.  The pastor came into the church and one of the first sentences out of his mouth was "that woman is a controlling witch".  Now he wasn't talking about me, I wished he would have, but the person he was talking about never spoke to him, never talked about him, she never did anything.  He just couldn't stand her.  His wife would occasionally come to church, she looked like a whipped dog.  When he asked me to kiss him on the cheek in his office the one thing I regret is not decking him.  I should have hit him in the face so hard he fell to his knees.  I can guarantee one thing if something like that ever happens again I will.  It actually happened to me once years ago, a guy slapped me on the ass, I turned around and hit him in the stomach so hard he fell to his knees.  I regret not doing it to that pastor, he so needed it.  Lesson learned.  I guess in the short haul of things evil prevails, I seen a lot of it.

So now I am finally uploading my proposal (the first three chapters of my dissertation) for review.  It's taken almost a year and 50 pages later.  Of course a whole lot of money and time invested.  It's almost like I don't know anything else.  Life is good!

July 2, 2015

Today is a great day I feel like things are beginning to change for me.  After a year of revisions on my dissertation proposal I will be uploading for the institutional review board to approve.  They may shred it and send it back but I'm so grateful to be done with revisions.  I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's been a very long tunnel.  When the school told me it all looked really good I didn't quite know how to feel about it I've been doing revisions for so long it was starting to be a way of life.  Now I have to figure out how to use survey monkey and how to get it uploaded to facebook so that hopefully people will agree and take my survey.  Crazy stuff for me, probably not to some, but for me its just so different.

Then after years of roadblocks and being ignored it looks like doors are opening, God is good!  I'm actually  beginning to believe that I just may not be as stupid as I thought and maybe God is really opening some doors.  Truth is my current job has been such a blessing to me, the people have been so good to me over the years it would be so difficult to leave them. Both of my bosses are so good to me in every way...maaan.  Even when change is good and dreams begin to come true its still hard.  I guess any change is hard, we get used to our messes, our struggles and uphill climbs, when we finally don't have to do it anymore we don't know what to do.  I'm not actually there yet but it's starting to feel like things will begin to become much easier.  My Pastor's wife actually prophesied that over me the other night.  Wow....

We had out group tonight and all I can really say is that I just love them!!!! And it's so cool to be able to share with them that God can really take away loneliness and fill the void in our lives.  Yes, we can have peace with or without a man, in or out of turmoil it really does exist and we can really have it.

June 29th 2015

I don't think I've ever worked this hard I'm grateful the day is over.  I've been told by my advisor to have a conversation with my program director since my chair, the teacher responsible for working with me on my dissertation, is not responding to me the way she should.  She waits three to four weeks before she responds and then it's a little strange.  I don't like to start problems but my advisor explained that she's responsible for doing her job in a timely manner and she's not and its costing me.  I  hate confrontation especially with my chair but oh well you got to do what you got to do I guess.

I was told that I'm fulfilling my calling.... Interesting I've been praying a lot about my calling.  I decided that I would get my doctorate and bake cupcakes and make fairy gardens lol.  Sounds a little like I'm losing my wicket lol or just running I don't know.

You know it's hard to continually write revisions you start to think that you have no brains at all like your not smart enough to complete a sentence.  And sometimes I think that's correct I don't really think I'm an expert in my field of expertise according to my dissertation I feel like I should be making clown balloons but they'd break.

Well on to my email to my program director after she reads my proposal she may throw me out of the program altogether.  She may tell me that my chair should have dumped me a long time ago.  Oh well I'll definitely find out!

June 28, 2015

If its one thing I've learned, the more I learn the less I know.  The more I think I know the more I realize I don't know.  But....if there's one thing I've learned very well is when I don't know learn who to go ask...use your resources.  Don't be so proud you don't ask the important questions and always stay hungry for wisdom.  And don't just ask one person pray about it ask another to get that confirmation, then digest it and then act on it.

The other thing I'm learning is that its okay to enjoy yourself and experiment with the things you love.  explore, experience them and expand your range of expertise in other words do something you like over and over.

Finally, learn to slow down and read.  I've read a couple of amazing books, one on the history of a family that settled in my community in the early 1900s and one that settled up in Diamond Valley Nevada in the 1800s.  Let me tell you no matter what we have it easier and I think we have become too comfortable in our accomplishments.  But anyway, read.

June 25, 2015

I'm exhausted but that's okay. Being welcomed into another person's life and into their confidence is a privilege and is not to be taken lightly.  I have always enjoyed every relationship with another person that I have experienced.  Even those relationships that ended for whatever reasons I have appreciated.  I'm learning in my group meetings that you have to invest yourself in the other person whether or not they stay in the group isn't important, they are important and how they are doing is important.  When I watch people go through hard times it bothers me even though they are asking advice or they need support I worry about them.  I want the best for them in their lives.  But....there are some situations that are very serious.  They are not to be trifled with.  Anytime another person talks about suicide it's serious.  If they choose to talk about ending their life it can't be ignored.  You don't know how fast a person can go from depression or anger to suicidal.  They can talk about it for months and do nothing or they can talk about it for months and do it.  They can talk about it and make an attempt immediately you just don't know.  Research shows that when someone attempts suicide that statistically they are the best candidates to try it again and possibly continue to try until they get it right.  Someone may never talk about it but they're having a hard time and then you come home and they've taken a bottle of pills or they've used a gun. It's so unpredictable and volatile that second guessing the individual shows no wisdom.  People tend to play it down because they don't want to believe it or they can't grasp the seriousness of the situation.  I've seen it go south very quickly and I've seen it pan out to nothing just as fast.  The problem is when it does go south quickly and you wish you had done something or taken the person seriously.  Then it's too late.  It's never worth gambling the odds, its always better to stay on the safe side.

I knew a mental health worker who went on a call for a man, he was depressed and threatened to commit suicide.  They advise in the training to talk to the individual and see if you can diffuse the situation without placement.  The problem with that is when someone is with the person they can be persuaded to calm down and not do something as long as that person is there.  Sometimes they will tell you whatever you want to hear to get you to leave.  She talked him down, she left and she did her follow ups, everything seemed fine........and then he committed suicide.  Once a person goes there mentally and is thinking suicide they are generally in the middle of serious depression, anxiety, hopelessness and confusion.  One talk would never be enough, it took a while for that person to get to that state it's going to take some work for that person to be mentally healthy and stable.

There were times when the person didn't even say they wanted to commit suicide but because of the level of depression and hopelessness they were at I placed them.  I know that we want to play down peoples mental health, we may call it drama or say they are a cry baby, or they're whiny.   It doesn't matter it's serious..and it's serious enough for a psych evaluation and follow up with some therapy.  They may only need short term but they need it.

June 22, 2015

"Oh the world is so full of a number of things I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings" Robert Louis Stevenson.  I had a friend who gave that quote to me years ago.  She was an older woman and she said this to me frequently.  It stuck with me as I'm sure she intended.  It's true there are so many things and places that are available to us.  I get on pinterest and I realize that I miss baking and cooking, gardening and all kinds of things.  It's our job to enlarge ourselves and grow ourselves.  We were never meant by out creator to become stagnant and boring.  I grew up cooking, baking, hunting, playing baseball, kickball, riding bikes, skates and many more things.  We weren't allowed to sit in front of the TV all day and night.  Obviously social media didn't exist but I will say that because of social media I see very creative people being, well, very creative while I look at the pictures.  So it's time for me to go back and take up the things I love to do.  Last night I made chicken marsala (it was great).  This evening I believe I will attempt a strawberry cake.  I will enlarge myself once again by taking up new endeavors and by following my grandmother's lead and begin to travel, yes even if its by myself.  God put this earth here it's beautiful and there's no reason to wait for someone else to take me places when I can create my own adventure and enjoy days of Heaven here on earth.  

June 21, 2015

Father's Day.  I never really thought about Father's Day.  I didn't have a father from the time I was two.  There were men in and out of my mother's life but none of them even wanted to be a father with the exception of the one man that wanted an inappropriate relationship with me.  I had a grandfather, he was wonderful but as I grew up I realized that we were not an affectionate family.  We hugged a couple of times that I can remember but there were no kisses......ever.  And my grandfather made it clear that by taking care of us it was implied that they loved us, probably because after his mother died his father shipped him off to a catholic school to become a priest.  So maybe that was the ultimate expression of love to him.  He was a very generous man and always happy.  He never yelled that I remember and he never raised his hand to me.  We went camping, he taught me to hunt, we had pools, bikes skates, balls, Disneyland, Knotts Berry Farm, trips to the mountains and trips to the ocean.  There were parties at the house and plenty of friends.

But I never thought about God as my father and provider until the last few years.  And I never talked about everything with Him until this last year.  I never understood that He had a vested interest in me, that there were promises in the Bible that pertained to my life and that when I felt as though I couldn't believe or count on anyone I could count on Him.  With the exception of my grandfather my relationships with men that were part of my mother's life were always negative.  And I say my mother's life because for the most part I chose to stay with my grandparents.  I also have to say that my relationships with men in my life have been less than optimal.  So I never felt safe enough to trust that what was said was true since most of the time it wasn't and it didn't matter whether or not the person was a christian.  My most recent friendship made that extremely clear and so needless to say I really didn't believe that trusting God for my provision was an option.  Now I realize it really isn't prerequisite for His faithfulness because even though I never believed I could ask Him for that provision he provided anyway..  actually I realize that he kept me from harms way and removed me from situations as protection for me.  So even when I didn't believe He would...He did.  I see His hand in every area of my life now more than ever and I can say that as fathers go He proves on a daily basis that He is the best.

I have to say that because of my past, people have termed me a "man hater".  Not true.  I know good men, men who are integral, honest, hardworking and loyal people who I admire and call friends.  I haven't met that one person for me and I don't know that I ever will but I trust God has it under control.

June 20, 2015

One of the most important things we need to learn in our lives is the appreciation for ourselves. Well maybe there are two most important things......and to live in our personal freedom.  I don't mean the kind of freedom that we enjoy in America I mean as individuals or just as humans.  The kind of freedom that brings the ability to make choices, fulfill dreams, and enjoy our lives in peace.  I think as women we forget that we have that choice.  Many times growing up we think we have to get married, we have to look for prince charming and settle down and when we do we have to make compromises.  I want women to know its not true, that whatever it is that they want to do whether its to stay home with the kids or have a career be single or not the choice is theirs.  In whatever choice is made you have the choice to be treated with dignity and respect at all times.  We were always taught to treat people the way we want to be treated but its not just that, we get to expect to be treated the way we want to be treated.  And if we're not then we get to make the choices we need to make to live in peace free of abuse whether its mental, emotional or physical.  And finally we get to decide if how we are being treated is actually abuse we don't need someone else's stamp of approval to allow us to do what we need to do live in our peace.

We have a right to wake up everyday breathe in and out plan our day and go about our lives without fear of intimidation, suspicion, guilt, verbal or physical abuse.  And we have the right to take the appropriate measures to accomplish this feat of living in peace.  Many times I hear people say they stay in relationships because of the kids, thinking they are doing their children a favor by providing them with an atmosphere of anxiety and fear in the failed attempt to maintain a two parent home. For some reason they think the kids are deaf and blind and they don't see what goes on.  But I propose that they are actually witnesses that are held in a hostage situation.  They are the true victims of their parents insanity.  I submit that parents don't stay because of the children but they stay because they are afraid themselves and of the unknown.

Not only is understanding our freedom important so that we learn what we don't want to live with but it's important because we need to explore the possibilities, the what ifs, the "what do I wanna be when I grow up" question.  What was I put here for, what do I want to spend my time doing.  And maybe we could begin by taking the roof off of our expectations and dream higher.  We need freedom and space and definitely support to examine all of these ideas.  This kind of thinking takes fertile ground  that is nurtured and valued.

Just something to consider.

June 17, 2015

Sometimes we have to let our kids sink or swim.  They can call us whine, complain and blame everyone else for their transgressions but in the end they need to be made to deal with the consequences of their decisions.  So the phone line has gotten very quiet and we'll see what happens I suppose.

Today was a weird day nothing seemed to work well and then everything fell into place.  I'm not sure why but I just went with the flow.  What I learned is that my tolerance of people and events has a limit.  I become annoyed and value my time alone whether it's working or just being left alone I like things quiet.  One person is too hot and can't stand it if the air conditioner isn't cooling fast enough so they sit and worry that they won't cool off and I guess they're going to die or something.  We live in Blythe it was 113 degrees today and will be hotter tomorrow.  It is what it is we're in Blythe, it happens every year at this time it's no surprise.  Another person eats like they haven't eaten in years and hoards hot sauce at lunch.  Its not so much annoying as it is very strange to watch.  We have to order more and then I just watch her eat it all like she's scared someone will eat some.  I'm not sure why it's really not that amazingly good it's just hot sauce but the poor girl can't get enough and if it runs low she begins to stare at the waitress becoming very anxious until she comes over and delivers more.  She can't seem to talk or continue eating it's the strangest thing I've ever seen it makes me anxious just watching her. Yesterday we went to Sizzler and she returned the vegetables to be cooked two times because they just weren't done enough.  Twice!!  I just looked at her and she didn't feel bad at all about it.  I've been around this person for years but I think it's gotten progressively worse in the last year.  Nothing is right for her everything needs to be changed until it meets with her approval.  She knows she's being difficult and she knows waitresses avoid her because of it but she doesn't mind it at all.  Very peculiar.

I've never had the nerve to return anything to the kitchen I've heard stories about what cooks do when you complain about their food.  I really don't want that to happen so I just go with the flow whatever comes is whatever comes, but usually it's always good.  I've never had it be bad at the local restaurants.

Another day in paradise I'm going to read a history book now and become transported into the old west.  I love history.

June 14, 2015

I finally took a look at all of my posts from the previous months and I've definitely experienced a lot as I'm sure many people do. Its illuminating examining yourself and seeing where you've been.  I feel like I've been through several tornadoes, you know the ones that level towns and leave all buildings in its path leveled to the ground.

I left a relationship that meant volumes to me I can't even say how much but I had to.  I didn't mean volumes to the other person and I fought it for a long time.  I chose to believe better of the person I chose to look past a lot of things but I finally took stock of the damage it was doing to me and realized it wasn't fair to either person.  He was never going to be the person I idealized and made him up to be.  You can't blame people for being who they are but you can blame yourself for not paying attention.  And you can blame yourself for putting unrealistic expectations by trying to make them be people they are not.  When they don't have to give what you need, or they are not the person you want them to be.  It is what it is and when I finally looked at it at face value I realized it never was what I thought it was.  Noone's fault, just the truth.

Moving on I have realized that I get to do whatever I want with the rest of my life.  I have to stop looking at what other people are doing and getting jealous but I have to decide that I'm going to go after what I want to do and take the necessary steps to achieve those goals.  Now I have to figure out what those goals are geeezzzz you would think after all these years and education I would know exactly what I want to do and yet I still struggle with that.  I know I want to teach college in the classroom where you can actually interact with the students lol.  I want to empower women to live successfully and happy.  And really I want to travel, lots of travel.  Hmmmm.

June 12, 1015

I run a support group in my hometown.  I enjoy the people and the time we spend together.  I think I get as much out of it as they do.  It's mostly women right now, who have gone through some very hard times in their lives and continue to try to handle them in a positive way.  Some of the burdens some of these women have carried their whole lives seem very heavy and I wonder how hard and lonely it all must have been for each of them.  I believe my part in the process is to empower them and point them to Jesus.  Hopefully, they will learn to have an intimate relationship with Him instead of trying to get what they'll never get and maybe shouldn't ask for from their significant others.  I don't really know what they should or shouldn't expect except that they should expect to be treated with dignity and respect.  They should be cared for and valued in their relationships unfortunately sometimes the other person has their own pain and burdens to bear and just aren't capable of giving what the other person needs.

I have learned that we can't expect a person to be anything other than what they are and we can't expect to get out of a person what they do not have to give.  But how do we know that they are not capable of giving it when they pretend to do it before we get married.  How long does a girl wait to find out that the giving and caring that the person portrays is genuine and can last a lifetime.  I think we think that what we see is actually what we are getting and yet life happens and if the foundation in an individual is not strong and there is no honor how do we know how they are going to react to whatever life throws?  I don't think we do....   How do we know that a person is going to become an alcoholic or drug addict unless we have them fill out a family history form.  And don't forget to check their credit rating and criminal records.  And even then they may still crumble.  Life happens and then the test of what they are made of appears....and then what?

I don't have any of those answers.  I used to joke around that if I ever did any counseling I would keep divorce packets in my bottom drawer to hand out because I sure wasn't going to want to listen to two adults whine and complain about the other.  Either compromise, get on your knees and pray, put up with the abuse or leave.  Either way I don't want to hear about it because more than likely the only reason you want me to listen to you is so that I will convince the other person that they are to blame and how they shouldn't treat you like that.  Please!!! I'm so not interested.

However, I love to empower women to seek God learn to lean on Him, seek intimacy with Him, learn who you are and refuse to accept blame for things that are outside your realm of influence and control.  Be free and independent, be secure and courageous and know God loves you in a powerful way.  Those are the things I can teach.  I hope I teach them to my own daughters, I hope I have taught those things to every young woman who has come into my life.  I hope I get the opportunity to speak to many women and encourage them to soar like eagles.

June 11, 2015

A long time since I've said anything.  My life has quieted down.  I picked my daughter up from prison...funny I never thought I would say that to anyone....ever.  But I did.  Everything everyone said about it wasn't true, go figure.  The staff was very nice it was very easy, at least picking her up was easy.  We tried having her home but she just went right back to the boyfriend to started the whole mess so, as a family we turned her in to her parole officer and she took her to a group home to complete her parole and gain the needed therapy and education she needed.  Dealing with a child who has gone in this direction is a book in itself.  And believe me when I say that I prayed without ceasing, because if I had not I'm more than sure I would've died.  Just breathing in and out was difficult, crying was frequent, and yelling at God that he did not keep his promise was mandatory and finally I heard Him.  I'm so glad he chooses to strive with me through everything.

I was also grateful to have a second job that allowed me to work myself into the ground.  The people were great, the job was just plain fun and I thoroughly enjoyed every part of it...especially after I had sleep.  Driving up and down the Parker Poston road at 2 and 3:00 in the mornings was tough but I found such comfort in the celebration stations that faithfully aired christian music and endless wonderful shows, it was fun.  God is always found in the storm and He always provides joy and comfort and it was blast.  I spent those hours assessing mental health patients and making determinations for placement and treatment.  It sounds hard but it was fun.  It kept me preoccupied from spending endless hours thinking and crying.  I met some of the most wonderful people during that time.

I spent months blaming myself, wondering what I had done wrong as a parent and how I could have done better to have prevented the problem.  There was so much I was not aware of and yet she never told me.  I don't blame her for that I just wished I would have known.  At any rate the facility she is in is excellent, I believe she is getting the help she needs, at least I hope she is she seems happy.

My middle daughter is pregnant, she advised me that over a year ago she stopped taking her medications for her schizoid affective disorder.....now is that nice.  Of course, now being pregnant she can't take them anyway.  The interesting part is that prior to her pregnancy she seemed to be doing better than she was on them.  Although, it could be that I have just gotten used to her behavior but she works consistently, she doesn't hallucinate and stays in check with her temper.  That is with everyone but me lol.  I do find it interesting, I'm not sure if she doesn't hallucinate or if she's gotten used to it either way I suppose.  That's the thing with mental illness, specifically hers, I'm never quite sure when she's telling the truth, but she's working, there are no open cps cases and there are no dead bodies........I'm ahead!

My oldest has decided to go back to school to complete her nursing degree.  She's doing much better and things have leveled out for her so I'm glad.  I'm excited that she is considering her masters so yaaayy!!  My oldest granddaughter promoted from middle school, my younger granddaughter promoted from kindergarten, and all my others promoted nicely.

My dissertation is coming together, it appears I'm on the final revisions for my proposal so that it can be submitted...then data collection.  I feel like I'm pulling teeth but it'll be over soon enough.

I have met the coolest ladies in the support group I facilitate on Friday nights.  I'm learning so much from them and it's so interesting to me all the women who have kept it together and made their dysfunctional lives look completely functional.  They have stayed in their marriages for twenty years and longer and have worked hard to raise their families and maintain a smile.  But not a a small price.  It has been very hard on them.

God brought me through a very bad year last year.  He's been faithful and has kept my family safe.  It got really close but He kept his promises.