January 30, 2013
Dyslexia. I have worked with kids for years, all kinds of kids, tons of kids with ADD, ADHD, Autism, Down syndrome, kids with emotional problems that were so bad they couldn't function. I owned a child development center and the one thing I loved was being with the kids. Not so much the adults, but the kids. I remember one day in the classroom, I had four classrooms and a kitchen, the rain was falling how it does in the summer. It smelled good. I opened the windows and we all sat and watched the rain while the classical music played. My children were smart, they were four getting ready to turn five and go to school. Already sounding out words, reading the beginning readers, mastering puzzles with 50 pieces, science projects and social studies. We always had fun together. They knew the classroom rules and on this day it just flowed and I got to just spend time with them enjoying them. ADD kids are some of the smartest kids around. I always had my share of the ones the other daycares didn't want to deal with. How stupid, they were so smart you just had to provide projects that peaked their interest.
My grandson came in with a stuttering problem and of course being grandma's he didn't listen to the other teachers very well. I really have no idea how he turned out as well adjusted and even tempered as he is, I'd like to take the credit but that'd be a joke. He stuttered quite a bit for several years and then it seemed as though he got control of it. However, as I began working with him on his reading I noticed a glitch. I couldn't pinpoint it but I knew that the processing from the page to the brain was having a hard time coming out. We talked to his first grade teacher, she said no I don't see it. We talked to the special education teacher and he said no, his scores aren't low enough he's functioning. Finally, at the end of the year his teacher wanted to retain him, he wasn't reading at grade level, she just assumed he was slow, I said no something's wrong. I told my daughter get him assessed. She thought she requested it but she did only verbally not in writing. Summer came and went with tutoring for him to improve reading skills. Now second grade, I'm still reading with him, he's still struggling, I told my daughter again, I know he's dyslexic he needs to be assessed. His second grade teacher wants him on medication because he asks too many questions, she thinks he's ADD (ridiculous) but doesn't see the dyslexic problem. I wanted to kill her, my grandson didn't want on the medications, but Mary did it to help him focus in the classroom, reading did not improve. The medicine made him not want to eat, but he didn't ask questions so the teacher was happy.
Finally, he wouldn't take the medication any more and the teacher made a comment in front of the other kids "I can see you're not on your medications" well, that was it. He wasn't going to take anything anymore. And his reading didn't improve. Finally one day as a reward, the teachers decided to give the kids a movie if the kids had good scores on their tests, the ones who scored high on reading got popcorn. He didn't. He came home and made excuses for the popcorn being given to the other kids "that's okay mom I got to watch the movie" that was it. Game over. Bitch gonna die.
Jesus meeting with the principal, we explained everything and the need for him to be assessed for his reading problem. Finally, our friend Mr. Albanez walks through the principal's door to ask what we are doing. He's a friend, so he sits down, he listens, he goes to the computer and looks Xander up. Well his test scores in math are at a 90% for the second grade, for reading 47% but good enough to be considered average. We said no something's wrong. I begged him Mr. Albanez just spend 5 minutes listening to him read, you'll see it I promise you will. He did and He did.
Funny thing my grandson had seen a commercial on the disney channel a year ago and said mom what's dyslexia? She asked why and then described it. He said mom that's me I have that. He diagnosed himself correctly a year ago and it has taken until today to get the referral and an assessment. My grandson's case of dyslexia is mild and he has learned to compensate for it in a way that allowed the teachers (if they paid attention at all) to miss it. But it's there and it upsets him when he can't read like the other kids.
Mr. Albanez said I've never seen a kid like this he's compensated for this in such a way you couldn't tell unless you were looking for it. He's sharp. He said he called the psychologist who looked at his scores and said, he doesn't need an assessment his scores are fine. Finally, Mr. Albanez said "No he's just that smart, it's there".
Finally, he'll get some effective strategies to help him get where he needs to be and I can't wait to watch him soar. As for his current teacher, she's been advised to conduct herself in a professional manner without prejudice and we still have one more conversation with the superintendent's office.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
January 28, 2013
So one of my girls who left her husband decided to try her hand at a booty call. Something casual, easy, no strings just some fun. Well, she liked it for a minute and then one day sitting in the livingroom she decided it wasn't for her. She began crying and saying she just didn't know what got into her why did she try it what was she thinking?
Well she answered the question so many of us ask after we've been with the same person for 10, 15, 20 years and then separated, divorced whatever. Sex without love is sex and if that's all your after then fine. But it won't fill the hole and emptiness in your heart and it won't fix anything. It will make you feel good for a little while and then you're right back where you started.....alone. Oh she had fun it was fun but having a family, a marriage and the security were worth way more. Then she cried, why wasn't she enough in their marriage why did he need drugs? Now there's a question, and I don't have the answer. But I do know that if she wants the marriage and family with a wonderful man she will have to be selective and do a little waiting, she won't find it in the bar. And before she does that she needs to grieve the relationship she lost and learn about herself first.
Life's a journey, enjoy it. Be kind to yourself, don't let other people treat you any less than wonderful and don't you treat the people around you anything less than wonderful. And above all else don't forget the kids they're awesome.
So one of my girls who left her husband decided to try her hand at a booty call. Something casual, easy, no strings just some fun. Well, she liked it for a minute and then one day sitting in the livingroom she decided it wasn't for her. She began crying and saying she just didn't know what got into her why did she try it what was she thinking?
Well she answered the question so many of us ask after we've been with the same person for 10, 15, 20 years and then separated, divorced whatever. Sex without love is sex and if that's all your after then fine. But it won't fill the hole and emptiness in your heart and it won't fix anything. It will make you feel good for a little while and then you're right back where you started.....alone. Oh she had fun it was fun but having a family, a marriage and the security were worth way more. Then she cried, why wasn't she enough in their marriage why did he need drugs? Now there's a question, and I don't have the answer. But I do know that if she wants the marriage and family with a wonderful man she will have to be selective and do a little waiting, she won't find it in the bar. And before she does that she needs to grieve the relationship she lost and learn about herself first.
Life's a journey, enjoy it. Be kind to yourself, don't let other people treat you any less than wonderful and don't you treat the people around you anything less than wonderful. And above all else don't forget the kids they're awesome.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
January 27, 2013;
I have more experience with addicts than many people, not most just many. I've watched drugs, pills and alcohol decompose people's bodies and minds, families and lives. It's a battle from the pit of hell, it grabs you by the throat and won't let go, then when it has you it goes for your loved ones and everything you own.
I had a very dear girl come to me about her pill habit the other night. Purcoset, nasty drug, highly addictive and when your body tells you the doctor isn't giving you enough they are for sale on the street. All over the place. It is no respecter of person or socioeconomic situation, rich, poor, educated and noneducated. It works like meth only better. You feel good you're not short tempered, you can get along with everyone and keep going. Until one day when there is none on the street for a minute.
Then the body aches, the head hurts, you're throwing up, everything is getting on your nerves and you can't sleep for anything. Oh and your mind refuses to shut down so you start to think you are going crazy. Yup, withdrawals. That lie of the devil that says come play with me doesn't it feel good? And what??? You don't want to play??? Now your gonna hurt YUP.
Shes been taking approximately 15 a day prescibed and off the street. Then there were none. For days none. All the withdrawal symptoms in full force. In my backyard spilling her guts telling me whats been going on. I knew. I've known there was a problem for a while but now we could deal with it. It's been 4 days and she's about to jump out of her skin but she's hanging in there. She made a deal to buy some but she mistakenly text my number so I got the message. Mistake or not weve been talking through it.
It's hard to watch young women struggle in their lives. I want the best for them. I want them to be happy and loving their lives and choices. But it's a process so today I'm just standing by a friend and listening to her complain about not feeling well and counting the minutes until she starts to feel better. Praying for her quietly and just hanging out with her when she drops in.
This is my life.
I have more experience with addicts than many people, not most just many. I've watched drugs, pills and alcohol decompose people's bodies and minds, families and lives. It's a battle from the pit of hell, it grabs you by the throat and won't let go, then when it has you it goes for your loved ones and everything you own.
I had a very dear girl come to me about her pill habit the other night. Purcoset, nasty drug, highly addictive and when your body tells you the doctor isn't giving you enough they are for sale on the street. All over the place. It is no respecter of person or socioeconomic situation, rich, poor, educated and noneducated. It works like meth only better. You feel good you're not short tempered, you can get along with everyone and keep going. Until one day when there is none on the street for a minute.
Then the body aches, the head hurts, you're throwing up, everything is getting on your nerves and you can't sleep for anything. Oh and your mind refuses to shut down so you start to think you are going crazy. Yup, withdrawals. That lie of the devil that says come play with me doesn't it feel good? And what??? You don't want to play??? Now your gonna hurt YUP.
Shes been taking approximately 15 a day prescibed and off the street. Then there were none. For days none. All the withdrawal symptoms in full force. In my backyard spilling her guts telling me whats been going on. I knew. I've known there was a problem for a while but now we could deal with it. It's been 4 days and she's about to jump out of her skin but she's hanging in there. She made a deal to buy some but she mistakenly text my number so I got the message. Mistake or not weve been talking through it.
It's hard to watch young women struggle in their lives. I want the best for them. I want them to be happy and loving their lives and choices. But it's a process so today I'm just standing by a friend and listening to her complain about not feeling well and counting the minutes until she starts to feel better. Praying for her quietly and just hanging out with her when she drops in.
This is my life.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
January 26, 2013
You think that when you raise your children that you have taught them everything you know, they've watched every battle you have waged and how you handled your victories and you defeats. They have watched you walk through life and have witnessed the choices you've made and the mistakes that followed as a result of those choices.
When I had my children I remember talking to my mother in law about regrets. I asked her do you have any regrets, do you feel that mistakes were made. She said "No, I don't regret anything". I thought wow how is that possible. I put it in the back of my mind and thought about it for years. I have finally decided she was an idiot. Every mother does the best she can (Hopefully). Every mother does something or things wrong, it's inevitable. And if you are a woman of compassion and depth you are going to have some regrets, if you don't then you need to think again, or you fully believe you are Jesus. I didn't do things intentionally to hurt my children, but there were mistakes and choices that I made that hurt them. I fixed them, I changed them, but I made them.
As I watch my children and their friends go through life, they are making some of the same mistakes I made and I have hit my head against the wall and blamed myself. I didn't pray enough, I didn't take them to church enough, I wasn't perfect, I made mistakes, or the best one I dropped them when they were babies (I didn't, but still) on their heads that explains everything, but it doesn't. They're good people, they're not criminals, or prostitutes or drug addicts (?), well I hope not they don't look like it. But when it comes to men there's something wrong with them.
I was recently told that I have been living the example in front of them, they just haven't chosen to follow it. I have not been perfect, what example are you talking about? I go to church, yea, I'm finishing school, yea, I work everyday and keep my house clean, so what, but I still dated some losers. I don't have all the answers but I do know that being alone isn't nearly as bad as being in a bad relationship. Sometimes, it's okay to turn the TV off and have silence in the house, yes you CAN hear yourself think. It's okay to go places you want to go and pursue the dreams that are in your heart and it's definitely okay to value yourself and your peace enough to not allow substandard treatment in your life. It's definitely okay to want a good life filled with good people.
I think I finally decided they're in their twenties and it sucks. They're still growing up and figuring out who they are. They're learning what they don't want, and they're starting to realize what they do want but now they have to decide if they're willing to pay the price and buckle down. It would've been easier if they had done what I wanted them to do and go to school out of highschool. But they didn't they knew better, and then they found out they didn't. Now they'll figure out they have to do it the hard way. It's what I did and I did it. They will too.
You think that when you raise your children that you have taught them everything you know, they've watched every battle you have waged and how you handled your victories and you defeats. They have watched you walk through life and have witnessed the choices you've made and the mistakes that followed as a result of those choices.
When I had my children I remember talking to my mother in law about regrets. I asked her do you have any regrets, do you feel that mistakes were made. She said "No, I don't regret anything". I thought wow how is that possible. I put it in the back of my mind and thought about it for years. I have finally decided she was an idiot. Every mother does the best she can (Hopefully). Every mother does something or things wrong, it's inevitable. And if you are a woman of compassion and depth you are going to have some regrets, if you don't then you need to think again, or you fully believe you are Jesus. I didn't do things intentionally to hurt my children, but there were mistakes and choices that I made that hurt them. I fixed them, I changed them, but I made them.
As I watch my children and their friends go through life, they are making some of the same mistakes I made and I have hit my head against the wall and blamed myself. I didn't pray enough, I didn't take them to church enough, I wasn't perfect, I made mistakes, or the best one I dropped them when they were babies (I didn't, but still) on their heads that explains everything, but it doesn't. They're good people, they're not criminals, or prostitutes or drug addicts (?), well I hope not they don't look like it. But when it comes to men there's something wrong with them.
I was recently told that I have been living the example in front of them, they just haven't chosen to follow it. I have not been perfect, what example are you talking about? I go to church, yea, I'm finishing school, yea, I work everyday and keep my house clean, so what, but I still dated some losers. I don't have all the answers but I do know that being alone isn't nearly as bad as being in a bad relationship. Sometimes, it's okay to turn the TV off and have silence in the house, yes you CAN hear yourself think. It's okay to go places you want to go and pursue the dreams that are in your heart and it's definitely okay to value yourself and your peace enough to not allow substandard treatment in your life. It's definitely okay to want a good life filled with good people.
I think I finally decided they're in their twenties and it sucks. They're still growing up and figuring out who they are. They're learning what they don't want, and they're starting to realize what they do want but now they have to decide if they're willing to pay the price and buckle down. It would've been easier if they had done what I wanted them to do and go to school out of highschool. But they didn't they knew better, and then they found out they didn't. Now they'll figure out they have to do it the hard way. It's what I did and I did it. They will too.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
January 24, 2013;
Definitely a day.
One girl left an abusive boyfriend, filed restraining order, got back her son, calling the police being harassed by the ex, she's scared all the time but walking through it.
One girl fought with coworker who mouthed off to her and made her feel like she was less.
One girl had an abortion today and texted her mother to let her know how bad of a mom she was even though the mother didn't know. She had to borrow money to have it done apparently her boyfriend just didn't come through hmmmm.
One girl admitted she has a pill problem and is on her third day going through shakes, aches, head noise, vomitting.
This was my day. After work.
Now it's almost midnight everyone's in bed asleep my head was spinning but now all is well everything's gonna be alright my God is faithful.
Definitely a day.
One girl left an abusive boyfriend, filed restraining order, got back her son, calling the police being harassed by the ex, she's scared all the time but walking through it.
One girl fought with coworker who mouthed off to her and made her feel like she was less.
One girl had an abortion today and texted her mother to let her know how bad of a mom she was even though the mother didn't know. She had to borrow money to have it done apparently her boyfriend just didn't come through hmmmm.
One girl admitted she has a pill problem and is on her third day going through shakes, aches, head noise, vomitting.
This was my day. After work.
Now it's almost midnight everyone's in bed asleep my head was spinning but now all is well everything's gonna be alright my God is faithful.
Monday, January 21, 2013
January 21, 2013
Today has been a day of revelation. I learned that even though someone you love acts poorly sometimes (although I never do, you don't have it on video) if the way they have treated you stands the test of time hold on to them. To be truthful I have acted poorly very poorly sometimes more like a girl than I want to admit, but thank God there are those who love me anyway.
Now for the real stuff, my daughter who suffers from schizophrenia is pulling the where can I get pills game on everyone. This is the portion of schizophrenia where they don't want to go see the psyc, they don't want to take the meds (for many reasons, weight gain, nausea since they haven't been taking them as they should so they're starting all over) things like that. So the attempt at self medicating. I cut off one supplier so she went to another, I've now cut that one off so we'll see what happens next. It's a game we play, she doesn't know it or the rules only I do. She thinks I don't know anything since she doesn't tell me anything like every mother's child but I do. She's stressed out and struggling right now, she's trying to get over a hump so as long as she's surviving and hasn't cried uncle this is the game. Hopefully, things will smooth out the easy way.
I'd rather do my blog on recipes or fun stuff I see so many cool sites I would love to spend time on. I love to cook I actually take recipes off and experiment. But that kind of blog is not who I am, I prefer looking into the Kraken (Pirates of the Carribean) when you deal with someone who suffers from schizophrenia, particularly child that's where you go.
Today has been a day of revelation. I learned that even though someone you love acts poorly sometimes (although I never do, you don't have it on video) if the way they have treated you stands the test of time hold on to them. To be truthful I have acted poorly very poorly sometimes more like a girl than I want to admit, but thank God there are those who love me anyway.
Now for the real stuff, my daughter who suffers from schizophrenia is pulling the where can I get pills game on everyone. This is the portion of schizophrenia where they don't want to go see the psyc, they don't want to take the meds (for many reasons, weight gain, nausea since they haven't been taking them as they should so they're starting all over) things like that. So the attempt at self medicating. I cut off one supplier so she went to another, I've now cut that one off so we'll see what happens next. It's a game we play, she doesn't know it or the rules only I do. She thinks I don't know anything since she doesn't tell me anything like every mother's child but I do. She's stressed out and struggling right now, she's trying to get over a hump so as long as she's surviving and hasn't cried uncle this is the game. Hopefully, things will smooth out the easy way.
I'd rather do my blog on recipes or fun stuff I see so many cool sites I would love to spend time on. I love to cook I actually take recipes off and experiment. But that kind of blog is not who I am, I prefer looking into the Kraken (Pirates of the Carribean) when you deal with someone who suffers from schizophrenia, particularly child that's where you go.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
January 20, 2013
Well, I finally figured out I need an upgrade. In everything. Its time to say goodbye to things that have run their course. It's like when kids outgrow their clothes, you either give them to someone that can use them or you throw them out. There are things in our lives that don't improve the quality, don't provide comfort, they are itchy uncomfortable and binding, they just don't fit. Sometimes you can find a different use for those things, sometimes you just can't. But, they got you where you are, they were worn with grace and they were loved while they were here, but it's very similar to Andy's toys in Toy Story they just didn't fit anymore.
It's really hard to move on sometimes but just like old clothes that don't grow with you, sometimes relationships don't either. Before you know it they've either left emotionally, or you've outgrown them. I think sometimes it's good when they go their own way and disappoint you, after all if they didn't there's a possibility you would go with them in their direction and you'd stay there being there for them, when they aren't there for you. They're getting new relationships and you're standing there.
I had a friend once in school, we were best friends and everything was great. Then one day as I walked to her house to walk to school, she had left with another friend, she became short with me, started finding fault with me, I didn't know why but we ended up not being friends. It happens in adulthood too, I had it happen recently, everything changed, it seemed like over night. It wasn't but it seemed like it and then he was gone.
But change is good, growth is better, the truth is he made the best decision for both of us and I chose to embrace that. You know how you know that if it went any further somehow you were gonna have to say uhhh no I don't want to do that, I knew, I didn't say it, but I knew. Growing up and in my marriages I never felt free, I never felt like I could do anything. Once you get that freedom into your life you definitely do not want to give it up for someone else's problems, situations, whatever. No. You kind of feel like damn if they can't handle their life now and they choose to spin around in circles never accomplishing anything what makes you think you can change that. What makes me think I'd be happy trying. No.
I have the cutest young man (I call him my little boy) who works at the grocery story, so sweet, good heart. He was talking to someone else in front of me and he said something. He said just keep doing what you do (doin watcha do) and wait good things will come. Profound. Obvious. True. I don't want to settle for anything or anyone or their problems. I think I will take the advice of a young man who spoke unknowingly from the Lord to me, just after I prayed and gave it all up to Him.
Well, I finally figured out I need an upgrade. In everything. Its time to say goodbye to things that have run their course. It's like when kids outgrow their clothes, you either give them to someone that can use them or you throw them out. There are things in our lives that don't improve the quality, don't provide comfort, they are itchy uncomfortable and binding, they just don't fit. Sometimes you can find a different use for those things, sometimes you just can't. But, they got you where you are, they were worn with grace and they were loved while they were here, but it's very similar to Andy's toys in Toy Story they just didn't fit anymore.
It's really hard to move on sometimes but just like old clothes that don't grow with you, sometimes relationships don't either. Before you know it they've either left emotionally, or you've outgrown them. I think sometimes it's good when they go their own way and disappoint you, after all if they didn't there's a possibility you would go with them in their direction and you'd stay there being there for them, when they aren't there for you. They're getting new relationships and you're standing there.
I had a friend once in school, we were best friends and everything was great. Then one day as I walked to her house to walk to school, she had left with another friend, she became short with me, started finding fault with me, I didn't know why but we ended up not being friends. It happens in adulthood too, I had it happen recently, everything changed, it seemed like over night. It wasn't but it seemed like it and then he was gone.
But change is good, growth is better, the truth is he made the best decision for both of us and I chose to embrace that. You know how you know that if it went any further somehow you were gonna have to say uhhh no I don't want to do that, I knew, I didn't say it, but I knew. Growing up and in my marriages I never felt free, I never felt like I could do anything. Once you get that freedom into your life you definitely do not want to give it up for someone else's problems, situations, whatever. No. You kind of feel like damn if they can't handle their life now and they choose to spin around in circles never accomplishing anything what makes you think you can change that. What makes me think I'd be happy trying. No.
I have the cutest young man (I call him my little boy) who works at the grocery story, so sweet, good heart. He was talking to someone else in front of me and he said something. He said just keep doing what you do (doin watcha do) and wait good things will come. Profound. Obvious. True. I don't want to settle for anything or anyone or their problems. I think I will take the advice of a young man who spoke unknowingly from the Lord to me, just after I prayed and gave it all up to Him.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
January 17, 2013
Heavy into research and interviews, I love hearing what people have to say, what influences them, what motivates.
My middle daughter experienced an intervention from her friend and was told he would not be helping with the xanex anymore. Miraculously she became bright eyed and awake, still quite irritable and loves to blame me for everything, but better. An appointment was made for the therapist but somehow while I was at work she slipped through and didn't go. There are support groups for schizophrenics where they desire more than anything to be treated like adults, families shouldn't interfere, they should be allowed to make their own mistakes and pay the prices for those mistakes. I agree to a limit, but those mistakes are not ones that usually only effect the person with the disorder. That mess spills out all over the family, coworkers, friends and miscellaneous others. We have to put things back together after the schizophrenic goes manic. I'm not blaming her I'm just trying to do damage control. The less damage I have to control the more I can live my own life. And let me tell you it ain't cheap cleaning up messes. See, unless you want them to move in with you, theres the rent. Because after all, it's hard to hold down jobs from a manic episode in the mental hospital. If you are lucky to have a decent job, the job will wait, however, more than likely, since you have a disorder you have used all of your sick leave and vacation so the new visit is without pay. Which still leaves the rent to be paid unless you want them to move home, No.
Then there's the occasional I was gonna pay my electric bill but,....I didn't and.......the lights go off. The last time I let her stay there in the dark, yes cacooie ville, the monstor's coming to get you land. Oh well, pay the damn bill. I'll take the baby you're staying put. I still got tired. Oh wait the refrigerator food is bad since of course the lights went out. Mom can you bring me some food? I'm so tired.
I've decided to get a studio apartment in a foreign country without a phone. I'm thinking Tibet.
Heavy into research and interviews, I love hearing what people have to say, what influences them, what motivates.
My middle daughter experienced an intervention from her friend and was told he would not be helping with the xanex anymore. Miraculously she became bright eyed and awake, still quite irritable and loves to blame me for everything, but better. An appointment was made for the therapist but somehow while I was at work she slipped through and didn't go. There are support groups for schizophrenics where they desire more than anything to be treated like adults, families shouldn't interfere, they should be allowed to make their own mistakes and pay the prices for those mistakes. I agree to a limit, but those mistakes are not ones that usually only effect the person with the disorder. That mess spills out all over the family, coworkers, friends and miscellaneous others. We have to put things back together after the schizophrenic goes manic. I'm not blaming her I'm just trying to do damage control. The less damage I have to control the more I can live my own life. And let me tell you it ain't cheap cleaning up messes. See, unless you want them to move in with you, theres the rent. Because after all, it's hard to hold down jobs from a manic episode in the mental hospital. If you are lucky to have a decent job, the job will wait, however, more than likely, since you have a disorder you have used all of your sick leave and vacation so the new visit is without pay. Which still leaves the rent to be paid unless you want them to move home, No.
Then there's the occasional I was gonna pay my electric bill but,....I didn't and.......the lights go off. The last time I let her stay there in the dark, yes cacooie ville, the monstor's coming to get you land. Oh well, pay the damn bill. I'll take the baby you're staying put. I still got tired. Oh wait the refrigerator food is bad since of course the lights went out. Mom can you bring me some food? I'm so tired.
I've decided to get a studio apartment in a foreign country without a phone. I'm thinking Tibet.
Monday, January 14, 2013
January 14, 2013
Well it's the middle of January and my middle daughter usually has a meltdown right about now. She seems to be hanging on but we've had to make a mental health appointment. I got a call at 3:30 in the morning from her telling me the lights were going off and on, the heater was going off and on and she was hearing voices. Then she said she felt a weight on her body that wouldn't allow her to get up out of bed. The thing of it is during periods when a schizophrenic decides they don't need their meds and they stop taking them, they start experiencing events such as the ones I just described. Now the next thing you would think that you would do is ask her if she's taking her medications, however they always answer "yes". No, they're not. So then they start self medicating since many people with mental disorders also have addiction issues, they enjoy the high from particular drugs that can be prescribed to them by psychiatrists that apparently do not know (I don't think that's it) or do not care. Addictive medications like Xanex, klonopin in which the person can experience a high similar to heroin where they lose track of time and take more and then take more and so the cycle goes until they are overdosing. The problem is when they are taking these drugs they are getting high, however, they are still going to experience the hallucinations until they take enough, which will eventually kill them. Luckily, she has a good psychiatrist who refused to prescribed the Klonopin or the Xanex for these reasons.
So here we are, her good friend is giving her Xanex since she has lied to him and said she needs them, wrong. Luckily I live in a very small town and I am well acquainted with all of her friends and dealers actually, so I placed a text and now she has an appointment with mental health. The part about being a mom of a schizophrenic is you learn to be very sneaky. It isn't to be nosey or underhanded it's to keep her alive. So you do things like count pills in bottles, you find out real quick how many she should have and how many she isn't taking. Then you check phones, you don't really care about some of the stuff and I have seen some stuff, but you do care about who the last dealer was who made contact. Or possibly an ongoing problem with boyfriend that has sent her into a tailspin.
Schizophrenics are liars. They lie about almost everything when they are out of compliance with their mental health care. Bills, medications, work, everything, they lie, and steal, yes they steal. Money from your purse, your medications if you take them, bank cards. They do this when they are manic or again out of compliance or rather noncompliant. And they are permiscuous very permiscuous with many people, sometimes in one night. We are not there yet, when shes get to that point her daughter comes home to me. Then I know we are very close to the ambulance ride and that's only if she refuses to go to a mental health appointment. Which in this town is hard to get, usually two weeks out. The Psychiatrist is only here on Wednesdays and booked solid. Good luck in an emergency.
Now I'm sure you think wow, this mom's totally out of line. Well, that depends, my daughter has a fulltime job that she keeps, she has her own apartment and lives an independent life. But sometimes it becomes necessary for detective work when she shows signs of slipping. The first sign is a lack of hygiene. Hair being washed, clothes disarrayed, eyes not quite as clear, sleeping alot. This is the very beginning of the downward roll. Then it's the other things, the pills, lying, stealing etc. I want her to keep her independence and her privacy, I don't share the information I get not even with her I just make the necessary adjustments to avert an all out manic tailspin to the mental hospital for days.
Well it's the middle of January and my middle daughter usually has a meltdown right about now. She seems to be hanging on but we've had to make a mental health appointment. I got a call at 3:30 in the morning from her telling me the lights were going off and on, the heater was going off and on and she was hearing voices. Then she said she felt a weight on her body that wouldn't allow her to get up out of bed. The thing of it is during periods when a schizophrenic decides they don't need their meds and they stop taking them, they start experiencing events such as the ones I just described. Now the next thing you would think that you would do is ask her if she's taking her medications, however they always answer "yes". No, they're not. So then they start self medicating since many people with mental disorders also have addiction issues, they enjoy the high from particular drugs that can be prescribed to them by psychiatrists that apparently do not know (I don't think that's it) or do not care. Addictive medications like Xanex, klonopin in which the person can experience a high similar to heroin where they lose track of time and take more and then take more and so the cycle goes until they are overdosing. The problem is when they are taking these drugs they are getting high, however, they are still going to experience the hallucinations until they take enough, which will eventually kill them. Luckily, she has a good psychiatrist who refused to prescribed the Klonopin or the Xanex for these reasons.
So here we are, her good friend is giving her Xanex since she has lied to him and said she needs them, wrong. Luckily I live in a very small town and I am well acquainted with all of her friends and dealers actually, so I placed a text and now she has an appointment with mental health. The part about being a mom of a schizophrenic is you learn to be very sneaky. It isn't to be nosey or underhanded it's to keep her alive. So you do things like count pills in bottles, you find out real quick how many she should have and how many she isn't taking. Then you check phones, you don't really care about some of the stuff and I have seen some stuff, but you do care about who the last dealer was who made contact. Or possibly an ongoing problem with boyfriend that has sent her into a tailspin.
Schizophrenics are liars. They lie about almost everything when they are out of compliance with their mental health care. Bills, medications, work, everything, they lie, and steal, yes they steal. Money from your purse, your medications if you take them, bank cards. They do this when they are manic or again out of compliance or rather noncompliant. And they are permiscuous very permiscuous with many people, sometimes in one night. We are not there yet, when shes get to that point her daughter comes home to me. Then I know we are very close to the ambulance ride and that's only if she refuses to go to a mental health appointment. Which in this town is hard to get, usually two weeks out. The Psychiatrist is only here on Wednesdays and booked solid. Good luck in an emergency.
Now I'm sure you think wow, this mom's totally out of line. Well, that depends, my daughter has a fulltime job that she keeps, she has her own apartment and lives an independent life. But sometimes it becomes necessary for detective work when she shows signs of slipping. The first sign is a lack of hygiene. Hair being washed, clothes disarrayed, eyes not quite as clear, sleeping alot. This is the very beginning of the downward roll. Then it's the other things, the pills, lying, stealing etc. I want her to keep her independence and her privacy, I don't share the information I get not even with her I just make the necessary adjustments to avert an all out manic tailspin to the mental hospital for days.
Friday, January 11, 2013
January 11, 2013
Have you ever wondered why we miss someone that has left our lives? Particularly a boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever. I did until I spent the last couple of days wondering about it, debating if it was him I missed or if it was the thought of those moments (even though they were few and far between) where I felt as though I was in love. So do I miss him or the feeling? It's the feeling and the sad part is as I was thinking about all of that I realized it wasn't the feeling I had when I was with him, it was the hope, the actual feeling of hoping, that I would get in thinking that he might eventually wake up and become the person I wanted him to be, which of course was never going to happen since they weren't that person anyway. And who do I think I am waiting for someone to turn into the person I want them to turn into? If anyone else would have said that to me I would have laughed and told them they were way out of line.
Well, that's just sad and kind of stupid, oh and a waste of time too. I actually settled many times for relationships I really didn't like in the hope it would turn into something it never was and make me happy, of which I would never be because that was never going to happen. And obviously that's the only right conclusion I came to, because it never did happen, they turned out to be who they were, living the lives they live, that hold no appeal to me whatsoever.........and yet in the past I would have belabored the situation until it just sickened me. I think this is the first time I have ever really thought about the whole process. And in discovering this about me I realize I never did anyone any favors by giving them attention or affection when I knew in my heart they were never the right person for me to be with. I wasted their time and my time while I was involving myself in relationships for entertainment purposes never really taking any of them seriously. And never really investing myself in someone who would be worth taking serously because..... because why, I don't know why. It wasn't that they weren't worth investing time in for someone, they just weren't the right someone for me to invest time in. And really, it became frustrating for them and me.
So now what? I'm not sure but maybe if I want to be a particular person, go particular places and do particular things I should be that and do them. I'm sure I owe those individuals apologizies for saying yes when I should have said no in the first place.
Have you ever wondered why we miss someone that has left our lives? Particularly a boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever. I did until I spent the last couple of days wondering about it, debating if it was him I missed or if it was the thought of those moments (even though they were few and far between) where I felt as though I was in love. So do I miss him or the feeling? It's the feeling and the sad part is as I was thinking about all of that I realized it wasn't the feeling I had when I was with him, it was the hope, the actual feeling of hoping, that I would get in thinking that he might eventually wake up and become the person I wanted him to be, which of course was never going to happen since they weren't that person anyway. And who do I think I am waiting for someone to turn into the person I want them to turn into? If anyone else would have said that to me I would have laughed and told them they were way out of line.
Well, that's just sad and kind of stupid, oh and a waste of time too. I actually settled many times for relationships I really didn't like in the hope it would turn into something it never was and make me happy, of which I would never be because that was never going to happen. And obviously that's the only right conclusion I came to, because it never did happen, they turned out to be who they were, living the lives they live, that hold no appeal to me whatsoever.........and yet in the past I would have belabored the situation until it just sickened me. I think this is the first time I have ever really thought about the whole process. And in discovering this about me I realize I never did anyone any favors by giving them attention or affection when I knew in my heart they were never the right person for me to be with. I wasted their time and my time while I was involving myself in relationships for entertainment purposes never really taking any of them seriously. And never really investing myself in someone who would be worth taking serously because..... because why, I don't know why. It wasn't that they weren't worth investing time in for someone, they just weren't the right someone for me to invest time in. And really, it became frustrating for them and me.
So now what? I'm not sure but maybe if I want to be a particular person, go particular places and do particular things I should be that and do them. I'm sure I owe those individuals apologizies for saying yes when I should have said no in the first place.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
January 10, 2013
I love when the boss from another office comes to our office with copies of papers in his hand filled with indignation about things that don't mean anything. All because his office manager has filled his head full of her rantings about her dissatification with life in general showing him papers with mistakes, which by the way have nothing to do with me, but he wants me to "understand" what he's dealing with. I understand what he's dealing with, a contentious unhappy individual who just came back from vacation and wants to make her boss's life miserable. In doing this however, he looked like a dog with his tail between his legs doing his master's bidding. Sad part of it was I had to ask why he was bringing this stuff to me, what did he want me to do with it? He wasn't sure. He apparently lacks the lower portion of his body that would help him muster enough courage to fire the raging unhappy venemous snake, and so, with tail between his legs trys to make her happy? Wow, pathetic. I wander what she has on him???? LOL.
At any rate my boss's wife was in the office with me trying to figure out what he was attempting to come to terms with so we made copies of the tickets he had so we could give them to our boss, so he could call the other boss and talk to him about a ticket that he probably will have talked to him about already, since he already talked to his son about it. As you can see by this scenario the poor guy didn't look all that great. And really didn't leave looking all that great. You know, if that's what a woman does for a man, Damn!!
Meanwhile, my daughter (schizophrenia) firmly believes I'm from the pit of hell, I'm not sure I want to cosign on that, but there are days. Now get this, my oldest daughter whose husband is in jail for hitting her has the option of going to a rehabilitation center for 4 months IF and I repeat IF my daughter would be willing to give them (who??) them 2,000.00 for his bed. Then he can go, because they have no beds available right now. What does this mean????? They have beds? They don't have beds?? Or they don't have beds and they'll kick a guy out who's not paying for a guy whose wife will pay for the rehabilitation of a man who hit her more than once??? So who's paying restitution???? And she was good with this, the public defender actually recommended this to her and she bought it hook line and sinker. It took her boss to tell her she couldn't afford it, she needed to take care of her kids not an idiot sitting in jail who spent his money on a girlfriend, drugs and whatever else he felt like.
This my friends is the pure meaning of codependency and why women who have been with these men need as much help as the men themselves. As twisted and sick as the men are, that's how abused, battered, humiliated and martyred these women are. And those closest to them are the very ones they will NOT listen to.
I love when the boss from another office comes to our office with copies of papers in his hand filled with indignation about things that don't mean anything. All because his office manager has filled his head full of her rantings about her dissatification with life in general showing him papers with mistakes, which by the way have nothing to do with me, but he wants me to "understand" what he's dealing with. I understand what he's dealing with, a contentious unhappy individual who just came back from vacation and wants to make her boss's life miserable. In doing this however, he looked like a dog with his tail between his legs doing his master's bidding. Sad part of it was I had to ask why he was bringing this stuff to me, what did he want me to do with it? He wasn't sure. He apparently lacks the lower portion of his body that would help him muster enough courage to fire the raging unhappy venemous snake, and so, with tail between his legs trys to make her happy? Wow, pathetic. I wander what she has on him???? LOL.
At any rate my boss's wife was in the office with me trying to figure out what he was attempting to come to terms with so we made copies of the tickets he had so we could give them to our boss, so he could call the other boss and talk to him about a ticket that he probably will have talked to him about already, since he already talked to his son about it. As you can see by this scenario the poor guy didn't look all that great. And really didn't leave looking all that great. You know, if that's what a woman does for a man, Damn!!
Meanwhile, my daughter (schizophrenia) firmly believes I'm from the pit of hell, I'm not sure I want to cosign on that, but there are days. Now get this, my oldest daughter whose husband is in jail for hitting her has the option of going to a rehabilitation center for 4 months IF and I repeat IF my daughter would be willing to give them (who??) them 2,000.00 for his bed. Then he can go, because they have no beds available right now. What does this mean????? They have beds? They don't have beds?? Or they don't have beds and they'll kick a guy out who's not paying for a guy whose wife will pay for the rehabilitation of a man who hit her more than once??? So who's paying restitution???? And she was good with this, the public defender actually recommended this to her and she bought it hook line and sinker. It took her boss to tell her she couldn't afford it, she needed to take care of her kids not an idiot sitting in jail who spent his money on a girlfriend, drugs and whatever else he felt like.
This my friends is the pure meaning of codependency and why women who have been with these men need as much help as the men themselves. As twisted and sick as the men are, that's how abused, battered, humiliated and martyred these women are. And those closest to them are the very ones they will NOT listen to.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
January 8, 2013
I started yoga yesterday and today I hurt so bad I had no idea. These journals are supposed to be a time for reflection, I don't know I'm always trying to look forward. I try to do the best I can with each day, although that's not always so great. You know we are supposed to focus on the positive every day. And if negative thoughts come up we are supposed to confess the positive until we actually feel it. You know fake it til you make it. Or Biblically confess those things that be not as though they are. But that sort of negates the theory that you are good enough just the way you are doesn't it? Or maybe it just teaches us to reach higher and bring those things into existence from our spirits. Those things we only dare to imagine when noone's looking.
I deal with my own demons, depression, lonliness, self esteem. Sometimes I just get tired of the voices in my head that tell me I'm not good enough, or those feelings of sadness that just sit for a while. And then theres those feelings of wondering whether or not I'll ever quit feeling like a wanderer on the earth. Those are the things I fight, I hope noone else does, but I'm sure they do.
For the most part I enjoy my world, although I want to reach much farther and do much more. I figure I only have so many years and I'm sure I've wasted mine and someone else's share of time. So now I have to take every risk that presents itself and go as far and as long as I can. It is important that we remember that the attitude with which we live our lives is a legacy for our children and grandchildren to surpass. And sometimes I just want to get drunk LOL.
My kids seem to be living quietly for the moment, everyone's healthy, bellies are full and everyone's clothed and warm. That's a whole lot to be thankful for. My daughter said she has started telling herself to straighten up, to quit being a baby and deal with things. I'm not quite sure which voice that is in her head but it's my favorite. I'll make friends with that one.
I started yoga yesterday and today I hurt so bad I had no idea. These journals are supposed to be a time for reflection, I don't know I'm always trying to look forward. I try to do the best I can with each day, although that's not always so great. You know we are supposed to focus on the positive every day. And if negative thoughts come up we are supposed to confess the positive until we actually feel it. You know fake it til you make it. Or Biblically confess those things that be not as though they are. But that sort of negates the theory that you are good enough just the way you are doesn't it? Or maybe it just teaches us to reach higher and bring those things into existence from our spirits. Those things we only dare to imagine when noone's looking.
I deal with my own demons, depression, lonliness, self esteem. Sometimes I just get tired of the voices in my head that tell me I'm not good enough, or those feelings of sadness that just sit for a while. And then theres those feelings of wondering whether or not I'll ever quit feeling like a wanderer on the earth. Those are the things I fight, I hope noone else does, but I'm sure they do.
For the most part I enjoy my world, although I want to reach much farther and do much more. I figure I only have so many years and I'm sure I've wasted mine and someone else's share of time. So now I have to take every risk that presents itself and go as far and as long as I can. It is important that we remember that the attitude with which we live our lives is a legacy for our children and grandchildren to surpass. And sometimes I just want to get drunk LOL.
My kids seem to be living quietly for the moment, everyone's healthy, bellies are full and everyone's clothed and warm. That's a whole lot to be thankful for. My daughter said she has started telling herself to straighten up, to quit being a baby and deal with things. I'm not quite sure which voice that is in her head but it's my favorite. I'll make friends with that one.
Monday, January 7, 2013
January 7, 2013
So who else loves The Big Bang Theory? I love this show it's so awesome to watch indivdual idiosyncracies get turned into being cool and famous. Not only is it finally acceptable to be OCD and nerdy but it's cool. And not only is it cool, it's so cool everyone sits around and watches them.
At any rate, it appears that this blogging thing is very healthy, I'm sure everyone should be journaling in some form or another. I'm also sure that journaling on a public site keeps people from revealing too much, I'm sure lives are messier than people want us to believe. And although it would be cleansing to pour out our manic and chaotic mental and emotional debris in a journal, along with secret longings, secret rendevous, or just secrets we want noone to ever no, we won't its just too much to think that somewhere out in cyperspace our sins are floating around.
I myself have had many experiences I would rather were buried like the dishes my daughter broke and buried in the backyard. Bad boyfriend experiences, even worse husband experiences lol. Embarrassing crushes that were one way sometimes theirs, sometimes mine.
For the most part, I'm secure, and then I'm not, and I wonder if everyone struggles with that. Relationships are not my strong suit, I have what is termed a bad picker or bad radar or I draw the wrong type, since I never go and look for anyone. And if they want to leave I let them, I generally don't put up too much of a fight, I figure if they were supposed to stay they would, but generally, they don't and most of the time they are asked to leave. I'm very independent and the types that are drawn usually want a mama. And the problem with getting an independent woman is that she doesn't want to be anyone's mama and is usually too busy to cater to the temper tantrums and neediness it's annoying and it usually turns us off, completely off, like forever. And then there are the ones that want to conquer us oooooh. I'm the big conquest, whatever, it never works. They try to take control and I let them for a while until I'm bored with it and then they have to go. They have no ambition themselves, other than to control my ambitions, really? Goodbye. The two weeks prior to my grandmother's death she was walking through the kitchen on her way to her bedroom. I'll never forget it, I was being quiet and suddenly she said "I know you're lonely, I know it's hard for you, there aren't very many men like your daddy (my grandfather), but he's out there, you'll see". Then she continued walking through. The next week she died. That's been over 20 years ago, I haven't found him and he hasn't found me.
So who else loves The Big Bang Theory? I love this show it's so awesome to watch indivdual idiosyncracies get turned into being cool and famous. Not only is it finally acceptable to be OCD and nerdy but it's cool. And not only is it cool, it's so cool everyone sits around and watches them.
At any rate, it appears that this blogging thing is very healthy, I'm sure everyone should be journaling in some form or another. I'm also sure that journaling on a public site keeps people from revealing too much, I'm sure lives are messier than people want us to believe. And although it would be cleansing to pour out our manic and chaotic mental and emotional debris in a journal, along with secret longings, secret rendevous, or just secrets we want noone to ever no, we won't its just too much to think that somewhere out in cyperspace our sins are floating around.
I myself have had many experiences I would rather were buried like the dishes my daughter broke and buried in the backyard. Bad boyfriend experiences, even worse husband experiences lol. Embarrassing crushes that were one way sometimes theirs, sometimes mine.
For the most part, I'm secure, and then I'm not, and I wonder if everyone struggles with that. Relationships are not my strong suit, I have what is termed a bad picker or bad radar or I draw the wrong type, since I never go and look for anyone. And if they want to leave I let them, I generally don't put up too much of a fight, I figure if they were supposed to stay they would, but generally, they don't and most of the time they are asked to leave. I'm very independent and the types that are drawn usually want a mama. And the problem with getting an independent woman is that she doesn't want to be anyone's mama and is usually too busy to cater to the temper tantrums and neediness it's annoying and it usually turns us off, completely off, like forever. And then there are the ones that want to conquer us oooooh. I'm the big conquest, whatever, it never works. They try to take control and I let them for a while until I'm bored with it and then they have to go. They have no ambition themselves, other than to control my ambitions, really? Goodbye. The two weeks prior to my grandmother's death she was walking through the kitchen on her way to her bedroom. I'll never forget it, I was being quiet and suddenly she said "I know you're lonely, I know it's hard for you, there aren't very many men like your daddy (my grandfather), but he's out there, you'll see". Then she continued walking through. The next week she died. That's been over 20 years ago, I haven't found him and he hasn't found me.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
January 6, 2013
Today is a huge turning point in my life, a friend of mine, a pastor, came to me in a restaurant and asked me if I wanted to be a chaplain for the police department and work with victims. I cried all during lunch I was so excited. All the experiences in my own personal life experiences and all the education I have worked for could be used to benefit the very community in which I live. All those families I have known for years, families my children know I could actually help when they are experiencing some of the worst times in their lives. I've worked hard to get to a place where I could be used in a positive way.
Then on top of it a very special young man whom I have adopted as my son brought me a special dessert because he thought I was having a hard time.
God is good. There isn't anything more exciting than living by faith and sometimes there isn't anything harder. But its so worth it.
Today is a huge turning point in my life, a friend of mine, a pastor, came to me in a restaurant and asked me if I wanted to be a chaplain for the police department and work with victims. I cried all during lunch I was so excited. All the experiences in my own personal life experiences and all the education I have worked for could be used to benefit the very community in which I live. All those families I have known for years, families my children know I could actually help when they are experiencing some of the worst times in their lives. I've worked hard to get to a place where I could be used in a positive way.
Then on top of it a very special young man whom I have adopted as my son brought me a special dessert because he thought I was having a hard time.
God is good. There isn't anything more exciting than living by faith and sometimes there isn't anything harder. But its so worth it.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
January, 5, 2013
A day of peace. Years ago I knew a psychology professor that taught at our local college. He had gone through some personal problems and made the decision to take a sabatical. During his sabatical he grew a garden, worked in the yard and did a number of other projects at home. When he came back he said there was nothing like working in the ground, planting seeds and watching them grow. He said there was something about the whole process that was very healing.
My community has traditionally been a farming community since it was settled. It was one of the last communities in California to be settled and was done so by a grant from the federal government that wanted the area worked and knew making canals for the water and clearing the land would be very difficult. At any rate the area has been traditionally dominated by farming and the families that owned them. There is one thing about this that always stood out. Those farmers always made their children work the farm as well. They dug ditches, worked the field, drove tractors and did anything else that needed doing. And every single one of those boys grew up to be men. Real men. The kind that knew how to work, how to get up early and work late and start all over and continue doing it until harvest. They were taught work ethics, responsibility, discipline, and pride for work well done. They were the ones that couldn't go to the football games, or church camps or friday night at the movies because the ditch broke, or the field needed work, whatever it was they knew their priorities.
I work for a hay broker that runs trucks and hay squeezes as well. Previously I owned my business where I worked approximately 12 hours a day and before that I worked for a custom harvester, actually one of the largest custom cotton harvesters in the states. There's no such thing as 4 day holidays, long vacations, or staying home because you had a long weekend. You just work. When you are the one processing the money, when the banks are open you are working, and you work until the work is done. No breaktime because, what does the government say? 10 mins within a four hour period and an hour lunch if your gonna work 8 hours. Really? Just work until it's done, the money needs to be processed, the farmers need to be paid.
I'll never forget the first week I went to work for the harvester. I needed the job, he was in Texas harvesting and I had no idea, but the Internal Revenue Service was looking for him. In walked the tax man with a gun on his side asking where the receivables were. I looked at him and said I have no idea I just started here I don't know where anything is. He sat there for a minute and got up and left. The receivables, checks and cash were in my desk draw just sitting there. My boss called after he left, asked if I was okay, I said "yea, but I need to make the deposit and go to the bank". That was that.
There is nothing like having your office out in the middle of alfalfa fields, the view is beautiful, the people work hard and those that don't leave. During harvest those men who can't handle the work end up being sent back home. It's hard working 15 hours a day 7 days a week til harvest is done and it isn't work everyone can do. I loved it.
A day of peace. Years ago I knew a psychology professor that taught at our local college. He had gone through some personal problems and made the decision to take a sabatical. During his sabatical he grew a garden, worked in the yard and did a number of other projects at home. When he came back he said there was nothing like working in the ground, planting seeds and watching them grow. He said there was something about the whole process that was very healing.
My community has traditionally been a farming community since it was settled. It was one of the last communities in California to be settled and was done so by a grant from the federal government that wanted the area worked and knew making canals for the water and clearing the land would be very difficult. At any rate the area has been traditionally dominated by farming and the families that owned them. There is one thing about this that always stood out. Those farmers always made their children work the farm as well. They dug ditches, worked the field, drove tractors and did anything else that needed doing. And every single one of those boys grew up to be men. Real men. The kind that knew how to work, how to get up early and work late and start all over and continue doing it until harvest. They were taught work ethics, responsibility, discipline, and pride for work well done. They were the ones that couldn't go to the football games, or church camps or friday night at the movies because the ditch broke, or the field needed work, whatever it was they knew their priorities.
I work for a hay broker that runs trucks and hay squeezes as well. Previously I owned my business where I worked approximately 12 hours a day and before that I worked for a custom harvester, actually one of the largest custom cotton harvesters in the states. There's no such thing as 4 day holidays, long vacations, or staying home because you had a long weekend. You just work. When you are the one processing the money, when the banks are open you are working, and you work until the work is done. No breaktime because, what does the government say? 10 mins within a four hour period and an hour lunch if your gonna work 8 hours. Really? Just work until it's done, the money needs to be processed, the farmers need to be paid.
I'll never forget the first week I went to work for the harvester. I needed the job, he was in Texas harvesting and I had no idea, but the Internal Revenue Service was looking for him. In walked the tax man with a gun on his side asking where the receivables were. I looked at him and said I have no idea I just started here I don't know where anything is. He sat there for a minute and got up and left. The receivables, checks and cash were in my desk draw just sitting there. My boss called after he left, asked if I was okay, I said "yea, but I need to make the deposit and go to the bank". That was that.
There is nothing like having your office out in the middle of alfalfa fields, the view is beautiful, the people work hard and those that don't leave. During harvest those men who can't handle the work end up being sent back home. It's hard working 15 hours a day 7 days a week til harvest is done and it isn't work everyone can do. I loved it.
Friday, January 4, 2013
January 4, 2013,
Yeah, its a new year, I guess. I believe my middle daughter is getting ready for a serious manic episode. Every sign or flag imaginable has been thrown I guess we'll see what happens. Being the mother of a schizophrenic child is a tormenting process.
On the one hand I have clinical knowledge that states all of the signs and symptoms are characteristic of any schizophrenic anywhere. It's classic behavior from lying and stealing to hotboxing her apartment out and blaming everyone for her behavior. Of course she's not taking her meds why would she do that she doesn't have a problem. Yup, another classic from the mouth of every schizophrenic on the map.
On the other hand I am her mother and look through another lens. She knows better, some of this behavior is lashing out, since she's not getting her way. She knows better than to steal, she knows right and wrong, how dare she steal from me I was buying her everything. Aaaaaaaw but not the weed, I wouldn't buy the weed. But the medicine makes her not want the weed. Aaaaaaaw, she's not taking the medication. And why the hell not???? Because she didn't have it for a while and when she went on it the first time it made her very sick for about 2 weeks, she didn't want to go through it again. Yeah, but she knows the outcome of this its a repeated scenario she'll go back to Chino. What a nightmare. The medications should have been prescribed as injections I would have gladly administered them to her.
Years ago she was in a car accident, her head went through the back window, her husband pulled her back inside the broken glass ripped her face up but she lived. Her head was swollen twice it's size for weeks. Yes, she had brain trauma, no they didn't do a CT scan. We're in a small town, a very small town, they shipped her out, Riverside stitched her up (she still had glass in her face) and they sent her home. And the nightmare began. I pray........alot.
So these are the conversations a mother has in her head walking at night outside down the block crying quietly, trying to find a quiet place and a life that doesn't include this. It doesn't exist. It has changed me, I don't get too close to anyone, I can't they'd want a life with me, I don't think I could have one. They'd want me for something and then another manic episode and I'm gone for days, just like her. I hold her hand and I can feel the pain, the confusion, her mind racing out of control. I'd take it from her if I could, but I can't, I don't know how to do that yet.
She's one of the coolest, funniest, most intelligent persons you would ever meet, I just can't get that one to stay permanently.
Yeah, its a new year, I guess. I believe my middle daughter is getting ready for a serious manic episode. Every sign or flag imaginable has been thrown I guess we'll see what happens. Being the mother of a schizophrenic child is a tormenting process.
On the one hand I have clinical knowledge that states all of the signs and symptoms are characteristic of any schizophrenic anywhere. It's classic behavior from lying and stealing to hotboxing her apartment out and blaming everyone for her behavior. Of course she's not taking her meds why would she do that she doesn't have a problem. Yup, another classic from the mouth of every schizophrenic on the map.
On the other hand I am her mother and look through another lens. She knows better, some of this behavior is lashing out, since she's not getting her way. She knows better than to steal, she knows right and wrong, how dare she steal from me I was buying her everything. Aaaaaaaw but not the weed, I wouldn't buy the weed. But the medicine makes her not want the weed. Aaaaaaaw, she's not taking the medication. And why the hell not???? Because she didn't have it for a while and when she went on it the first time it made her very sick for about 2 weeks, she didn't want to go through it again. Yeah, but she knows the outcome of this its a repeated scenario she'll go back to Chino. What a nightmare. The medications should have been prescribed as injections I would have gladly administered them to her.
Years ago she was in a car accident, her head went through the back window, her husband pulled her back inside the broken glass ripped her face up but she lived. Her head was swollen twice it's size for weeks. Yes, she had brain trauma, no they didn't do a CT scan. We're in a small town, a very small town, they shipped her out, Riverside stitched her up (she still had glass in her face) and they sent her home. And the nightmare began. I pray........alot.
So these are the conversations a mother has in her head walking at night outside down the block crying quietly, trying to find a quiet place and a life that doesn't include this. It doesn't exist. It has changed me, I don't get too close to anyone, I can't they'd want a life with me, I don't think I could have one. They'd want me for something and then another manic episode and I'm gone for days, just like her. I hold her hand and I can feel the pain, the confusion, her mind racing out of control. I'd take it from her if I could, but I can't, I don't know how to do that yet.
She's one of the coolest, funniest, most intelligent persons you would ever meet, I just can't get that one to stay permanently.
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