January 26, 2013

You think that when you raise your children that you have taught them everything you know, they've watched every battle you have waged and how you handled your victories and you defeats.  They have watched you walk through life and have witnessed the choices you've made and the mistakes that followed as a result of those choices. 

When I had my children I remember talking to my mother in law about regrets.  I asked her do you have any regrets, do you feel that mistakes were made.  She said "No, I don't regret anything".  I thought wow how is that possible.  I put it in the back of my mind and thought about it for years.  I have finally decided she was an idiot.  Every mother does the best she can (Hopefully).  Every mother does something or things wrong, it's inevitable.  And if you are a woman of compassion and depth you are going to have some regrets, if you don't then you need to think again, or you fully believe you are Jesus.  I didn't do things intentionally to hurt my children, but there were mistakes and choices that I made that hurt them.  I fixed them, I changed them, but I made them.

As I watch my children and their friends go through life, they are making some of the same mistakes I made and I have hit my head against the wall and blamed myself.  I didn't pray enough, I didn't take them to church enough, I wasn't perfect, I made mistakes, or the best one I dropped them when they were babies (I didn't, but still) on their heads that explains everything, but it doesn't.  They're good people, they're not criminals, or prostitutes or drug addicts (?), well I hope not they don't look like it.  But when it comes to men there's something wrong with them. 

I was recently told that I have been living the example in front of them, they just haven't chosen to follow it.  I have not been perfect, what example are you talking about?  I go to church, yea, I'm finishing school, yea, I work everyday and keep my house clean, so what, but I still dated some losers.  I don't have all the answers but I do know that being alone isn't nearly as bad as being in a bad relationship.  Sometimes, it's okay to turn the TV off and have silence in the house, yes you CAN hear yourself think.  It's okay to go places you want to go and pursue the dreams that are in your heart and it's definitely okay to value yourself and your peace enough to not allow substandard treatment in your life.  It's definitely okay to want a good life filled with good people. 

I think I finally decided they're in their twenties and it sucks. They're still growing up and figuring out who they are.  They're learning what they don't want, and they're starting to realize what they do want but now they have to decide if they're willing to pay the price and buckle down.  It would've been easier if they had done what I wanted them to do and go to school out of highschool.  But they didn't they knew better, and then they found out they didn't.  Now they'll figure out they have to do it the hard way.  It's what I did and I did it.  They will too.