January 11, 2013

Have you ever wondered why we miss someone that has left our lives?  Particularly a boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever.  I did until I spent the last couple of days wondering about it, debating if it was him I missed or if it was the thought of those moments (even though they were few and far between) where I felt as though I  was in love.  So do I miss him or the feeling?  It's the feeling and the sad part is as I was thinking about all of that I realized it wasn't the feeling I had when I was with him, it was the hope, the actual feeling of hoping, that I would get in thinking that he might eventually wake up and become the person I wanted him to be, which of course was never going to happen since they weren't that person anyway.  And who do I think I am waiting for someone to turn into the person I want them to turn into?  If anyone else would have said that to me I would have laughed and told them they were way out of line. 

Well, that's just sad and kind of stupid, oh and a waste of time too.  I actually settled many times for relationships I really didn't like in the hope it would turn into something it never was and make me happy, of which I would never be because that was never going to happen.  And obviously that's the only right conclusion I came to, because it never did happen, they turned out to be who they were, living the lives they live, that hold no appeal to me whatsoever.........and yet in the past I would have belabored the situation until it just sickened me.  I think this is the first time I have ever really thought about the whole process.  And in discovering this about me I realize I never did anyone any favors by giving them attention or affection when I knew in my heart they were never the right person for me to be with.  I wasted their time and my time while I was involving myself in  relationships for entertainment purposes never really taking any of them seriously.  And never really investing myself in someone who would be worth taking serously because..... because why, I don't know why.  It wasn't that they weren't worth investing time in for someone, they just weren't the right someone for me to invest time in.  And really, it became frustrating for them and me.

So now what?  I'm not sure but maybe if I want to be a particular person, go particular places and do particular things I should be that and do them.  I'm sure I owe those individuals apologizies for saying yes when I  should have said no in the first place.