January 4, 2013,

     Yeah, its a new year, I guess.  I believe my middle daughter is getting ready for a serious manic episode.  Every sign or flag imaginable has been thrown I guess we'll see what happens.  Being the mother of a schizophrenic child is a tormenting process. 
  
      On the one hand I have clinical knowledge that states all of the signs and symptoms are characteristic of any schizophrenic anywhere.  It's classic behavior from lying and stealing to hotboxing her apartment out and blaming everyone for her behavior.  Of course she's not taking her meds why would she do that she doesn't have a problem.  Yup, another classic from the mouth of every schizophrenic on the map. 

     On the other hand I am her mother and look through another lens.  She knows better, some of this behavior is lashing out, since she's not getting her way.  She knows better than to steal, she knows right and wrong, how dare she steal from me I was buying her everything.  Aaaaaaaw but not the weed, I wouldn't buy the weed.  But the medicine makes her not want the weed. Aaaaaaaw, she's not taking the medication.  And why the hell not???? Because she didn't have it for a while and when she went on it the first time it made her very sick for about 2 weeks, she didn't want to go through it again.  Yeah, but she knows the outcome of this its a repeated scenario she'll go back to Chino.  What a nightmare.  The medications should have been prescribed as injections I would have gladly administered them to her. 

     Years ago she was in a car accident, her head went through the back window, her husband pulled her back inside the broken glass ripped her face up but she lived.  Her head was swollen twice it's size for weeks.  Yes, she had brain trauma, no they didn't do a CT scan.  We're in a small town, a very small town, they shipped her out, Riverside stitched her up (she still had glass in her face) and they sent her home.  And the nightmare began.  I pray........alot. 

     So these are the conversations a mother has in her head walking at night outside down the block crying quietly, trying to find a quiet place and a life that doesn't include this.  It doesn't exist.  It has changed me, I don't get too close to anyone, I can't they'd want a life with me, I don't think I could have one.  They'd want me for something and then another manic episode and I'm gone for days, just like her.  I hold her hand and I can feel the pain, the confusion, her mind racing out of control.  I'd take it from her if I could, but I can't, I don't know how to do that yet. 

     She's one of the coolest, funniest, most intelligent persons you would ever meet, I just can't get that one to stay permanently.