December 25, 2013;
One of the most important days of the year. I spent Christmas eve shopping and shopping like the rest of the world and then two Christmas services in the evening. The last service I was dragging, I almost forgot what I was doing, just tired. Then dinner at the in-laws (my daughter's in-laws) I hit the bed after midnight.
Today, cooking and cooking and cleaning up after people and............. now that I think about it holidays kind of suck lol. I spent time visiting with my youngest she's doing much better. She has clarity and focus and sounds very good. It's been a long time since she has sounded this good I feel like I have her more now than I have in years....very ironic.
For years I wondered why all the jobs I ever applied for seemed out of reach or I never heard anything. Now I have jobs being offered to me and its all new to me. I really like the job I recently took, it's a crisis clinician, it's kind of like being a mother to my children. To my children particularly. I've seen a lot of dysfunctional behavior and crisis situations so when I see these people they pretty much say the same things my kids or their friends have said a million times before. I wish I could do more than I do. I believe my community needs a program specifically for domestic violence victims and their families since that area seems to encompass a wide range of problems. I need to spend more time on the computer researching other programs within the state and begin to look for avenues. Meanwhile, I work and gain focus on my dissertation which for a while feels very disconnected. I'm sure it's the holidays and my family.
I did some research on women within the legal system and the major causes and it was revealed that many women who found themselves in the prison system were there because of a relationship with a man. Either they were doing something for him, with him, he was doing something to them and they reacted or the man left the woman with kids and she found herself uneducated, unemployed, too many kids and not enough money. I'm not quite sure what that means, I don't know why these women find themselves in these relationships that progressively degrade them, and strip them of their self esteem and sometimes their children. I know there are good men, but that's really not the issue. The issue is why some women are drawn to these men and why do they risk everything for them. Why are they afraid to step out on their own, what are they afraid of? Are they afraid of being alone? Don't they realize they already are? Something happens to these women within their development that causes them to be attracted to these individuals.
I read one article that spoke about women like these being victims of abuse at early ages and contributing to their decisions as adults. The abuse was sexual, physical, emotional and mental, sometimes a combination of all of them and sometimes it was one or the other. but it left them with serious deficits in overcoming. I think it would've been beneficial to me to change my dissertation. Stigmatization of mental illness is fine and it's important, self perceptions of women in the system, in or out of jail, would provide important information that would assist in finding methods of treatment and education for these women. Although, I do know there is research out there and information to be had. I guess I have work to do.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
December 22, 2013;
This is the hardest and most rewarding Christmas I have ever experienced and I can honestly say that I never want another one like this again. My youngest daughter is gone and although I'm dealing with it I'm still unable to talk about it. All I can say with the highest authority is that Meth destroys families, not just individuals. It takes a person and changes everything about them, their core beliefs, their priorities, their values, everything. And...when children, and I mean young adults make decisions that they believe are their own, after all, it's their life not yours (whatever), they are selfish and near sighted to the point of complete blindness. I can tell you that as I have grown I realize the mistakes I have made as a parent and how I have influenced certain behaviors. I can also say that because of those shortcomings I am a much better grandmother and I have grown to realize how our every actions affect our children and grandchildren. They need security and love, that means affection, time and consistency. We have to love them enough to invest our attention and time on them. I didn't always, I was a single parent working 10 hours a day and playing the piano at church. Weekends were for yard work, house cleaning, laundry and cooking. Sunday was for church. I barely made enough to keep food on the table and clothes on their backs. I didn't get food stamps, aide of any kind and little to no child support. After all, he had a new wife and she wanted things. None of that matters, they needed more time and attention, they really did.
The good news is we can go to the cross and lay it before him. He can take all of it and restore everything that was taken and lost and that is my hope, restoration. Not just physical but mental, emotional and spiritual and not just for my children but for my grandchildren.
Kenneth Copeland was speaking one time while I was working and he said we should thank God for all the little grandmothers who sit in their rocking chairs praying for their children and grandchildren. Because without them many of the people sitting in the auditorium listening to his teaching would not be there. Some would have been dead. It's true it is our job to pray for our kids and grandkids, to stand in the gap, put them before God and wage spiritual warfare, on our couches, rocking chairs, recliners, and standing over the stove. In my case it's at the computer and driving to work. Sorry, I still work......probably because I still eat and so do they.
This is the hardest and most rewarding Christmas I have ever experienced and I can honestly say that I never want another one like this again. My youngest daughter is gone and although I'm dealing with it I'm still unable to talk about it. All I can say with the highest authority is that Meth destroys families, not just individuals. It takes a person and changes everything about them, their core beliefs, their priorities, their values, everything. And...when children, and I mean young adults make decisions that they believe are their own, after all, it's their life not yours (whatever), they are selfish and near sighted to the point of complete blindness. I can tell you that as I have grown I realize the mistakes I have made as a parent and how I have influenced certain behaviors. I can also say that because of those shortcomings I am a much better grandmother and I have grown to realize how our every actions affect our children and grandchildren. They need security and love, that means affection, time and consistency. We have to love them enough to invest our attention and time on them. I didn't always, I was a single parent working 10 hours a day and playing the piano at church. Weekends were for yard work, house cleaning, laundry and cooking. Sunday was for church. I barely made enough to keep food on the table and clothes on their backs. I didn't get food stamps, aide of any kind and little to no child support. After all, he had a new wife and she wanted things. None of that matters, they needed more time and attention, they really did.
The good news is we can go to the cross and lay it before him. He can take all of it and restore everything that was taken and lost and that is my hope, restoration. Not just physical but mental, emotional and spiritual and not just for my children but for my grandchildren.
Kenneth Copeland was speaking one time while I was working and he said we should thank God for all the little grandmothers who sit in their rocking chairs praying for their children and grandchildren. Because without them many of the people sitting in the auditorium listening to his teaching would not be there. Some would have been dead. It's true it is our job to pray for our kids and grandkids, to stand in the gap, put them before God and wage spiritual warfare, on our couches, rocking chairs, recliners, and standing over the stove. In my case it's at the computer and driving to work. Sorry, I still work......probably because I still eat and so do they.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
December 17, 2013;
Well I don't know what other people know about phones and their memories but I recently learned that my phone has very limited memory without a SD card and I maxed it out and then it froze. One morning I got up early and I decided to check my facebook and there was an article on Women's Health magazine that I wanted to read so I opened it up and started reading but it froze on the front page. For a moment I thought wouldn't be just awful if it froze on THIS page (I'll tell what page in a moment). But.......I thought naah, that won't happen, that would be ridiculous. Yea.......so...I took my phone to my daughter's room and said can you fix this it won't unfreeze. I got told to take the battery out and it would unfreeze. No. I couldn't even get the battery out I have an Android and it has the tiniest batteries in the universe and obviously I don't have those screw drivers ANYWHERE.
Now I'm thinking oh God it is frozen on this page and WOW now what? So I throw the phone in my purse after I try to unlock it 10 or 20 times with no success. So I go to my friend's house whom I know has tiny screwdrivers because I've fixed my glasses with them. I pull out the screwdrivers and they are all too big. OK now I'm a little worried I have to take this phone into the phone store and show it to some guy OH GOD.
I go into the store and sure enough the guy has to look at it and he tells me no problem he'll have to open it and all the memory will be taken out and he'll put in a SD card for me so it doesn't happen again but.........why am I smiling???? Oh.....cuz it would get stuck on that....so he looks at the phone and smiles......it's ok. Yea right.
10 HEALTH BENEFITS WOMEN EXPERIENCE WITH REGULAR ORGASMS.........great!!!
Well I don't know what other people know about phones and their memories but I recently learned that my phone has very limited memory without a SD card and I maxed it out and then it froze. One morning I got up early and I decided to check my facebook and there was an article on Women's Health magazine that I wanted to read so I opened it up and started reading but it froze on the front page. For a moment I thought wouldn't be just awful if it froze on THIS page (I'll tell what page in a moment). But.......I thought naah, that won't happen, that would be ridiculous. Yea.......so...I took my phone to my daughter's room and said can you fix this it won't unfreeze. I got told to take the battery out and it would unfreeze. No. I couldn't even get the battery out I have an Android and it has the tiniest batteries in the universe and obviously I don't have those screw drivers ANYWHERE.
Now I'm thinking oh God it is frozen on this page and WOW now what? So I throw the phone in my purse after I try to unlock it 10 or 20 times with no success. So I go to my friend's house whom I know has tiny screwdrivers because I've fixed my glasses with them. I pull out the screwdrivers and they are all too big. OK now I'm a little worried I have to take this phone into the phone store and show it to some guy OH GOD.
I go into the store and sure enough the guy has to look at it and he tells me no problem he'll have to open it and all the memory will be taken out and he'll put in a SD card for me so it doesn't happen again but.........why am I smiling???? Oh.....cuz it would get stuck on that....so he looks at the phone and smiles......it's ok. Yea right.
10 HEALTH BENEFITS WOMEN EXPERIENCE WITH REGULAR ORGASMS.........great!!!
Monday, December 9, 2013
December 10, 2013;
I absolutely love my job. All those years of education actually work together to help me understand what's going on in overwhelming situations.....of course only the ones that aren't mine lol. Its easy to look a young couple who are fighting and realize they are kids still and they were even younger adolescents when they met and became pregnant together. Now life has dealt some very stressful events and they don't have the developmental skills to cope with them yet. You can't look at people and say "hey, in about 10 years you will be able to have a better understanding of this situation and you will have more maturity under your belt, so just hang there". Meanwhile they are killing each other.
I actually enjoy the drive up, it's time I get to be alone no one can bother me no one's up and wants to call me. And during this time I can listen to my Bible, sing if I want, listen to anything I want to and just take in the surroundings. It's a beautiful time of year so everything is misty in the early morning and incredibly cold. Even though I'm alone there are so many people on their way to work doing their thing just like me. I just love it.
No one knows me up there and that's so awesome. They judge me by my education and nothing else. When I leave to go to lunch I can go anywhere and sit alone or shop alone and not be disturbed or found or stopped. I'm just alone and it's great!
God surrounds his people with His favor and He has good plans for us with an expected end. So we can actually enjoy the day and expect God to direct our steps and walk us through. It's been a really long time since I got to enjoy work.
I absolutely love my job. All those years of education actually work together to help me understand what's going on in overwhelming situations.....of course only the ones that aren't mine lol. Its easy to look a young couple who are fighting and realize they are kids still and they were even younger adolescents when they met and became pregnant together. Now life has dealt some very stressful events and they don't have the developmental skills to cope with them yet. You can't look at people and say "hey, in about 10 years you will be able to have a better understanding of this situation and you will have more maturity under your belt, so just hang there". Meanwhile they are killing each other.
I actually enjoy the drive up, it's time I get to be alone no one can bother me no one's up and wants to call me. And during this time I can listen to my Bible, sing if I want, listen to anything I want to and just take in the surroundings. It's a beautiful time of year so everything is misty in the early morning and incredibly cold. Even though I'm alone there are so many people on their way to work doing their thing just like me. I just love it.
No one knows me up there and that's so awesome. They judge me by my education and nothing else. When I leave to go to lunch I can go anywhere and sit alone or shop alone and not be disturbed or found or stopped. I'm just alone and it's great!
God surrounds his people with His favor and He has good plans for us with an expected end. So we can actually enjoy the day and expect God to direct our steps and walk us through. It's been a really long time since I got to enjoy work.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
December 8, 2013;
Today was especially hard playing in church. Gloria was my spiritual mother, I always listened to her wisdom and enjoyed worshipping with her. Today as I read the Word in church and took communion the Lord shared with me that when two people have practiced the same faith in God in life, those things are shared through death as well. He explained that the Word is eternal and His communion is sacred and crosses time. Gloria is worshipping and hearing His Word, I hear that same Word and I too am focused on Him together we are part of the great congregation both living and dead eternally spiritual and alive worshipping the Father.
I am grateful that she is in the presence of God and rejoicing, spending time with her mother and father all focused on her one passion Jesus. Every question she ever had is now answered every desire is met she is experiencing joy unspeakable. I do not mourn for her present state since I know its everything she ever wanted. I mourn for my own loss of a spiritual mother who carried my burdens into prayer and fought spiritual warfare on my behalf, what a friend!
She continues to teach me even now.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
December 7, 2013;
One of my closest friends died yesterday. She's the one that was getting on my nerves about the piano playing, really makes that seem quite petty and unimportant. Some how I knew it would. She died alone, no one but the nurse was there. Her family knew she was in the hospital but for reasons I do not understand they were not there for her when she took her last breaths. I found out last night during Bible study and I still don't accept the reality of it. When I found out all that came to me was "yes Gloria I'll play for you Sunday".
Gloria spent a lot of time in prayer, she was gifted in the prophetic and enjoyed, well there was nothing about her faith that she didn't enjoy. What was not as well known about her was her very eloquent writing. She was gifted in the descriptive in such a way that it flowed with poetic depth. She was able to write in a way that was so descriptive you could visualize and experience where she was in her writings. I enjoyed reading her work, it was so good. She was also an excellent cook. She had a way of putting things together in a very tasteful way. And she loved classical music, she would fill her house with it.
Gloria never made her bed, she didn't want to and that would make me laugh. She felt it was unnecessary since she was going to get in it that night. She did the yard work at home. She didn't feel like Mike would do it right so she always did it.
She didn't like pain. Pain of any level, it was something she was afraid of and couldn't handle. It really scared her to be in any pain. She would tell me "I can't handle any pain I don't have a threshold at all for pain". I believe once the bone cancer settled in her back the way it did it scared her. She would talk about her mother's cancer and how she died. She explained that her death was such a painful experience and she didn't want to go out that way. She felt that it would be the worst type of death to experience.
One person told me today that she understood that I felt that she was alone but that Gloria wasn't alone when she passed. She said she was surrounded by God and loved ones and it would have been a very welcoming experience for her.
I have very strong beliefs in this area. I believe that death, very much like birth is a portal between this side and the other side. And during this experience of death and birth the two sides have a merging that takes place for just a little while. Especially during death. In my family it is very important to be surrounded by family while the person is crossing over. Even though God meets you along with loved ones we believe that the loved ones on this side should be part of the process sending the person in peace helping them to make the transition. It is what we have practiced and to be honest it is mostly unspoken and simply expected. So my heart broke when I heard that she had been taken to a hospital out of town and that she had passed about an hour prior without her family, it was so unexpected. However, she had already made a connection with the nurse who cared for her as she does with everyone she comes into contact with and it was her new friend that sat by her side during her passing and I am more than sure her angels and Jesus himself were in the room rejoicing at their new saint's homecoming.
I know she's happy and feeling much better than she did while she was here. I think the mourning is more for the loss of her, maybe more for myself since I will not be able to visit and commune with my friend until I make that journey.
Gloria I love you and will miss you
One of my closest friends died yesterday. She's the one that was getting on my nerves about the piano playing, really makes that seem quite petty and unimportant. Some how I knew it would. She died alone, no one but the nurse was there. Her family knew she was in the hospital but for reasons I do not understand they were not there for her when she took her last breaths. I found out last night during Bible study and I still don't accept the reality of it. When I found out all that came to me was "yes Gloria I'll play for you Sunday".
Gloria spent a lot of time in prayer, she was gifted in the prophetic and enjoyed, well there was nothing about her faith that she didn't enjoy. What was not as well known about her was her very eloquent writing. She was gifted in the descriptive in such a way that it flowed with poetic depth. She was able to write in a way that was so descriptive you could visualize and experience where she was in her writings. I enjoyed reading her work, it was so good. She was also an excellent cook. She had a way of putting things together in a very tasteful way. And she loved classical music, she would fill her house with it.
Gloria never made her bed, she didn't want to and that would make me laugh. She felt it was unnecessary since she was going to get in it that night. She did the yard work at home. She didn't feel like Mike would do it right so she always did it.
She didn't like pain. Pain of any level, it was something she was afraid of and couldn't handle. It really scared her to be in any pain. She would tell me "I can't handle any pain I don't have a threshold at all for pain". I believe once the bone cancer settled in her back the way it did it scared her. She would talk about her mother's cancer and how she died. She explained that her death was such a painful experience and she didn't want to go out that way. She felt that it would be the worst type of death to experience.
One person told me today that she understood that I felt that she was alone but that Gloria wasn't alone when she passed. She said she was surrounded by God and loved ones and it would have been a very welcoming experience for her.
I have very strong beliefs in this area. I believe that death, very much like birth is a portal between this side and the other side. And during this experience of death and birth the two sides have a merging that takes place for just a little while. Especially during death. In my family it is very important to be surrounded by family while the person is crossing over. Even though God meets you along with loved ones we believe that the loved ones on this side should be part of the process sending the person in peace helping them to make the transition. It is what we have practiced and to be honest it is mostly unspoken and simply expected. So my heart broke when I heard that she had been taken to a hospital out of town and that she had passed about an hour prior without her family, it was so unexpected. However, she had already made a connection with the nurse who cared for her as she does with everyone she comes into contact with and it was her new friend that sat by her side during her passing and I am more than sure her angels and Jesus himself were in the room rejoicing at their new saint's homecoming.
I know she's happy and feeling much better than she did while she was here. I think the mourning is more for the loss of her, maybe more for myself since I will not be able to visit and commune with my friend until I make that journey.
Gloria I love you and will miss you
Friday, December 6, 2013
December 6, 2013;
I'm exhausted. The new job is an adventure I'm excited for all the training and the experience I think it'll be a real challenge. Meanwhile the drive is probably the most eventful part of the day I worked and actually still work agriculture so I know the surrounding farms and the harvest company that's picking the cotton. I can say in all honesty that I miss them. The drive is pretty and I choose to listen to an audio of my Bible readings, to be completely candid it isn't because I'm so religious and I'm so spiritual it's really to stay in tune with God and keep myself focused and centered on Christ. See, I'm not really a nice person I can be very sarcastic and to the point. I've never yelled at anyone or said mean things I just won't give you the time of day. And judgmental??? I am the queen of Judgmental Land. I'm one of those live and let live people and sometimes if I really don't like a person I'm one of those live and let die people. It's just that if I don't feel you're worth my time I won't give it to you, yea real charitable, real caring. Of course these are the secret thoughts and attitudes I have, I work very hard at not showing it........but somehow people say I have a way of carrying myself that makes people feel that I think I'm better than everyone else. Truth is I'm so insecure that I hide behind the façade. So as you can see I'm as screwed up as anyone else so.........yea I listen to the audible Bible on my way up, I study Proverbs I listen to Joseph Prince and I pray a whole lot. It takes all of that to allow the Holy Spirit to work through me so that I'm not so vile I repel people.
I could have one of those blogs where I tell you sweet stories and everything is flowery and pretty and I really like those I read those I enjoy the art, the recipes, the do it yourself projects and the women who write them, I always wanted to be like them, and I enjoy do it yourself projects, gardening, love cooking and painting but I couldn't put a blog together like that to save my life. And it wouldn't be me my life is to messy and too busy and I work too hard on my education.
I can only imagine my life without God in it. I tend to be depressed so I'm sure I'd be very depressed and more than likely on some sort of medication. I made horrible choices in the area of men and without God teaching me and showing me where my weaknesses are and where my standards should be I'm sure I'd continue in the same patterns. God has allowed the person He created, the person He had designs for to begin to come to the surface. He has brought it forth without Him I'd probably be on another marriage and divorce and miserable. He gives me joy unspeakable.
On my drives in the morning I experience Him and I enjoy Him and He fills me with peace. Besides all of that He goes ahead of me and plans my day, He makes the crooked places straight and surrounds me with His favor. I don't have to fear anymore and trust me I feared all the time that even if things were good for a while it would only be temporary. I don't have to worry about that anymore because He promises good to me.
You know I don't worry anymore whether or not I'm going to find someone to spend my life with? I don't worry about not being able to go places or do things anymore I know He has plans for me and He supplies all of my needs and He will be my provider and my comforter. But it's because of Him in the natural I'm just not so nice or pleasant. Thank God He loved me first!
I'm exhausted. The new job is an adventure I'm excited for all the training and the experience I think it'll be a real challenge. Meanwhile the drive is probably the most eventful part of the day I worked and actually still work agriculture so I know the surrounding farms and the harvest company that's picking the cotton. I can say in all honesty that I miss them. The drive is pretty and I choose to listen to an audio of my Bible readings, to be completely candid it isn't because I'm so religious and I'm so spiritual it's really to stay in tune with God and keep myself focused and centered on Christ. See, I'm not really a nice person I can be very sarcastic and to the point. I've never yelled at anyone or said mean things I just won't give you the time of day. And judgmental??? I am the queen of Judgmental Land. I'm one of those live and let live people and sometimes if I really don't like a person I'm one of those live and let die people. It's just that if I don't feel you're worth my time I won't give it to you, yea real charitable, real caring. Of course these are the secret thoughts and attitudes I have, I work very hard at not showing it........but somehow people say I have a way of carrying myself that makes people feel that I think I'm better than everyone else. Truth is I'm so insecure that I hide behind the façade. So as you can see I'm as screwed up as anyone else so.........yea I listen to the audible Bible on my way up, I study Proverbs I listen to Joseph Prince and I pray a whole lot. It takes all of that to allow the Holy Spirit to work through me so that I'm not so vile I repel people.
I could have one of those blogs where I tell you sweet stories and everything is flowery and pretty and I really like those I read those I enjoy the art, the recipes, the do it yourself projects and the women who write them, I always wanted to be like them, and I enjoy do it yourself projects, gardening, love cooking and painting but I couldn't put a blog together like that to save my life. And it wouldn't be me my life is to messy and too busy and I work too hard on my education.
I can only imagine my life without God in it. I tend to be depressed so I'm sure I'd be very depressed and more than likely on some sort of medication. I made horrible choices in the area of men and without God teaching me and showing me where my weaknesses are and where my standards should be I'm sure I'd continue in the same patterns. God has allowed the person He created, the person He had designs for to begin to come to the surface. He has brought it forth without Him I'd probably be on another marriage and divorce and miserable. He gives me joy unspeakable.
On my drives in the morning I experience Him and I enjoy Him and He fills me with peace. Besides all of that He goes ahead of me and plans my day, He makes the crooked places straight and surrounds me with His favor. I don't have to fear anymore and trust me I feared all the time that even if things were good for a while it would only be temporary. I don't have to worry about that anymore because He promises good to me.
You know I don't worry anymore whether or not I'm going to find someone to spend my life with? I don't worry about not being able to go places or do things anymore I know He has plans for me and He supplies all of my needs and He will be my provider and my comforter. But it's because of Him in the natural I'm just not so nice or pleasant. Thank God He loved me first!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
December 3, 2013;
I'm exhausted, I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm so tired. I found out this morning that the person who helped me my first day wasn't supposed to tell me the things she told me and the office manager was flipping out. Of course the office manager was in meetings all day and gave no directions for my first day, but still that poor girl got it. I felt so responsible for her dilemma but I didn't know either. Then it was explained to me in the beginning that she would be training me and she text me early this morning to let me know she wasn't going in since she was on call. So I told the office manager I wasn't coming in but I would work on the training modules at home. Wrong.......and yet no one told me anything. By the end of the conversation the office manager was apologizing for the disorganization and lack of communication and promised it really wasn't this way on a regular basis????? Then to top it off I found out the clinic is in an old mortuary building, the kitchen was redone from a prep room. Now you would think that would have bothered me but I've played piano all of my life and so there were funerals to play for and I would have to go set up while they were putting the makeup on the person and preparing them for the viewing......I never thought much of it, maybe I should have lol.
I'm not really sure what to make of it all but I would like to give it my best shot and cooperate. On the home front the psychiatrist increased my daughter's medication and it sent her blood pressure plummeting.....dizzy when she gets up, very tired, can barely move. We took it and yup too much medication. I told her to back off to the old dosage until her next meeting so I'm hoping tomorrow morning will show improvements, however, I won't be around to see it....alrighty then.
My friend got into our dissertation program, she finally found a chair. I'm so excited for her, I'm excited for me since she had become so depressed because she had written so many instructors and received nothing but refusals and she wasn't answering my texts, depressing. So now she's back in the saddle and I'm excited!!!!!
My youngest whom I have been praying for is beginning to see signs of a miracle in her situation. She was upset and began telling me, "but mom doesn't He know how much pain, heartache and suffering I have been going through this year? It's not fair that after all of this it's just going to go away, I've been through hell!" I told her yea but what would've happened without the prayer and Word going up. How horrible could it have been without God intervening, better to be grateful than get mad because He didn't show up when you thought He should have. Learn something!!!!! God shows up when He's supposed to not when we think he should. Honestly I don't even know why I go through the things I go through but I always come out better than when I went in.
I feel like my life has been so intense I would just like to go to a Beach Boys concert and party with friends. I always think that falling in love would be awesome with the right person....then I think when would I find time?????? Go figure lol!
I'm exhausted, I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm so tired. I found out this morning that the person who helped me my first day wasn't supposed to tell me the things she told me and the office manager was flipping out. Of course the office manager was in meetings all day and gave no directions for my first day, but still that poor girl got it. I felt so responsible for her dilemma but I didn't know either. Then it was explained to me in the beginning that she would be training me and she text me early this morning to let me know she wasn't going in since she was on call. So I told the office manager I wasn't coming in but I would work on the training modules at home. Wrong.......and yet no one told me anything. By the end of the conversation the office manager was apologizing for the disorganization and lack of communication and promised it really wasn't this way on a regular basis????? Then to top it off I found out the clinic is in an old mortuary building, the kitchen was redone from a prep room. Now you would think that would have bothered me but I've played piano all of my life and so there were funerals to play for and I would have to go set up while they were putting the makeup on the person and preparing them for the viewing......I never thought much of it, maybe I should have lol.
I'm not really sure what to make of it all but I would like to give it my best shot and cooperate. On the home front the psychiatrist increased my daughter's medication and it sent her blood pressure plummeting.....dizzy when she gets up, very tired, can barely move. We took it and yup too much medication. I told her to back off to the old dosage until her next meeting so I'm hoping tomorrow morning will show improvements, however, I won't be around to see it....alrighty then.
My friend got into our dissertation program, she finally found a chair. I'm so excited for her, I'm excited for me since she had become so depressed because she had written so many instructors and received nothing but refusals and she wasn't answering my texts, depressing. So now she's back in the saddle and I'm excited!!!!!
My youngest whom I have been praying for is beginning to see signs of a miracle in her situation. She was upset and began telling me, "but mom doesn't He know how much pain, heartache and suffering I have been going through this year? It's not fair that after all of this it's just going to go away, I've been through hell!" I told her yea but what would've happened without the prayer and Word going up. How horrible could it have been without God intervening, better to be grateful than get mad because He didn't show up when you thought He should have. Learn something!!!!! God shows up when He's supposed to not when we think he should. Honestly I don't even know why I go through the things I go through but I always come out better than when I went in.
I feel like my life has been so intense I would just like to go to a Beach Boys concert and party with friends. I always think that falling in love would be awesome with the right person....then I think when would I find time?????? Go figure lol!
Monday, December 2, 2013
December 2, 2013;
First day on my new job.....weird. I have more education than anyone there and to me that's weird. The building has been refurbished from an old mortuary. The people are very nice, they were very welcoming and open. It's my first opportunity for clinician work and I really need it. But I miss my job in the mornings so I'll be glad to get back to my morning routine.
Meanwhile the girls are having a hard time adjusting to my new schedule but they'll get used to it. I'm lonely, probably more lonely than I was before. I feel like I'm wandering in the wilderness alone so I have to remember God is with me every step of the way. I've always combated my loneliness with busyness. I would work myself into the ground just to stay busy and focused. Focused so that I didn't slow down enough to realize I was lonely. I've always been lonely to a certain extent sometimes more than others but I know this is a good thing for me to experience and learn. I hope I can provide a positive service and leave behind good relations with the various agencies I will be in contact with. I also hope to develop positive relationships with the people I work with they seem very nice. The young girl training me has only been there since September and she tries so hard and remains very professional but she's very sweet.
I was close to one person but it was only allowed when they wanted the closeness, when I needed closeness it was I was told to focus and look forward instead of behind. You talk about a relationship that left a person wanting....that was no joke. Lonely in a relationship is the worst feeling ever.
God fills the need though and he will see me through the adjustment period and as the Word says He will give me the desires of my heart.
First day on my new job.....weird. I have more education than anyone there and to me that's weird. The building has been refurbished from an old mortuary. The people are very nice, they were very welcoming and open. It's my first opportunity for clinician work and I really need it. But I miss my job in the mornings so I'll be glad to get back to my morning routine.
Meanwhile the girls are having a hard time adjusting to my new schedule but they'll get used to it. I'm lonely, probably more lonely than I was before. I feel like I'm wandering in the wilderness alone so I have to remember God is with me every step of the way. I've always combated my loneliness with busyness. I would work myself into the ground just to stay busy and focused. Focused so that I didn't slow down enough to realize I was lonely. I've always been lonely to a certain extent sometimes more than others but I know this is a good thing for me to experience and learn. I hope I can provide a positive service and leave behind good relations with the various agencies I will be in contact with. I also hope to develop positive relationships with the people I work with they seem very nice. The young girl training me has only been there since September and she tries so hard and remains very professional but she's very sweet.
I was close to one person but it was only allowed when they wanted the closeness, when I needed closeness it was I was told to focus and look forward instead of behind. You talk about a relationship that left a person wanting....that was no joke. Lonely in a relationship is the worst feeling ever.
God fills the need though and he will see me through the adjustment period and as the Word says He will give me the desires of my heart.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
December 1, 2013;
Tomorrow is a big day for me I start my new job while still working my old one. And apparently Gloria is not going to play the piano and she is not going to call and cancel...so I'm playing. And tomorrow I start my dissertation course class. Now I'm very excited about that it's been the direction I have worked towards and now its here. There isn't a negative in the bunch I just want to do well. It appears that my direction is working within crisis intervention and the care mental health patients receive during these times. It's a work close to my heart and one I'm very passionate about. At the same time its the subject of my dissertation so it would appear that God is working everything in that direction. I'm not completely sure what he's doing but whatever it is I'm going with Him.
My friend is finally having her dream come true she will be teaching an in depth study on Acts for the first time. She has always wanted to do this and she's so good and has so much information I know I'll be going. The Word says that He will give us the desires of our hearts and I am seeing some miracles take place and hearts desires come true.
As I see God working and things unfolding I realize that I have a problem receiving from God. I have worked hard all of my life and I think that I fully believed I would always work hard without much expectation of good. So now watching God bless me I realize that receiving is very difficult for me and I'm wondering how many blessings I have not received from God simply because I refused to receive. When he starts making things better I almost become afraid and yet the Word tells us that he teaches us to prosper, he prospers us. So weird. I never realized that I was sabotaging myself and if I can't believe God to give me good things how could I ever expect good things from a man? How could I have any expectations of a relationship of any kind if I can't believe that I am able to expect good things from God?
Well I'm excited things are about to change for me.
Tomorrow is a big day for me I start my new job while still working my old one. And apparently Gloria is not going to play the piano and she is not going to call and cancel...so I'm playing. And tomorrow I start my dissertation course class. Now I'm very excited about that it's been the direction I have worked towards and now its here. There isn't a negative in the bunch I just want to do well. It appears that my direction is working within crisis intervention and the care mental health patients receive during these times. It's a work close to my heart and one I'm very passionate about. At the same time its the subject of my dissertation so it would appear that God is working everything in that direction. I'm not completely sure what he's doing but whatever it is I'm going with Him.
My friend is finally having her dream come true she will be teaching an in depth study on Acts for the first time. She has always wanted to do this and she's so good and has so much information I know I'll be going. The Word says that He will give us the desires of our hearts and I am seeing some miracles take place and hearts desires come true.
As I see God working and things unfolding I realize that I have a problem receiving from God. I have worked hard all of my life and I think that I fully believed I would always work hard without much expectation of good. So now watching God bless me I realize that receiving is very difficult for me and I'm wondering how many blessings I have not received from God simply because I refused to receive. When he starts making things better I almost become afraid and yet the Word tells us that he teaches us to prosper, he prospers us. So weird. I never realized that I was sabotaging myself and if I can't believe God to give me good things how could I ever expect good things from a man? How could I have any expectations of a relationship of any kind if I can't believe that I am able to expect good things from God?
Well I'm excited things are about to change for me.
Friday, November 29, 2013
November 29, 2013;
Last night I was reading Proverbs, in all the years I spent reading the Bible I refused to read Proverbs. And actually for a reason that doesn't hold up now. Proverbs instructs, it gives wisdom and sometimes, actually a lot of times it uses analogies to make its points. Sometimes it talked about a "she" in Proverbs and it was very negative and because I had been divorced I would feel like it was talking about me. Yea, I know, how is it possible that I have the education I have and still be so stupid.....it happens. Then in Proverbs 31 it talks about this perfect woman that I'm sure I would never attain to so for me it was very defeating and filled with lots of condemnation. All of which was incorrect and kept me from learning some real wisdom that pertains to our everyday lives and the choices we make.
Particularly there was a section that spoke about how humility and the fear of the Lord leads to honor, increase and favor. Now seriously that's pretty basic stuff......if you only look on the surface. However, what I found was that fear actually means reverential trust, real trust and humility means that I'm giving place to God, I'm putting him first and waiting for him. So really it means that trusting the Lord and putting him first leads to honor and success and increase in our lives. Still pretty basic and yet what I finally realized at my age is that I never really wait on God I try so hard to use my own judgment and common sense and I always feel like I'm supposed to step out and just try. I can not begin to tell you how many things I have screwed up doing that.
And actually in reading the Word I am learning how many times this specific concept is mentioned. We are told to trust in the Lord, that he directs our steps, be anxious for nothing but in everything with prayer and supplication make your requests known to God lean not unto your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him.....and the list goes on.
So what I'm learning is we are going to cast our seed upon the water, we are going to plant seeds everywhere we go in obedience but it is He that brings the increase and the harvest. Just like the farmer we plant and we wait we water and we wait. The seed goes through major changes and fights through the earth to get to the sun...it's a miracle of God and so are the plans and expectations He has for us. They are miracles that if we let Him and we don't go dig up the seed or try to force the growth He will cause to manifest in a way that we never could have.
So.......I have to stay in humility putting Him first and waiting on Him...and trust Him and his direction and just stay in His presence.
You know when He finally got me the job of crisis intervention clinician it was a job that allows me to stay with my current employer since she's having health issues and help her. He loves her too.....what a God.
Last night I was reading Proverbs, in all the years I spent reading the Bible I refused to read Proverbs. And actually for a reason that doesn't hold up now. Proverbs instructs, it gives wisdom and sometimes, actually a lot of times it uses analogies to make its points. Sometimes it talked about a "she" in Proverbs and it was very negative and because I had been divorced I would feel like it was talking about me. Yea, I know, how is it possible that I have the education I have and still be so stupid.....it happens. Then in Proverbs 31 it talks about this perfect woman that I'm sure I would never attain to so for me it was very defeating and filled with lots of condemnation. All of which was incorrect and kept me from learning some real wisdom that pertains to our everyday lives and the choices we make.
Particularly there was a section that spoke about how humility and the fear of the Lord leads to honor, increase and favor. Now seriously that's pretty basic stuff......if you only look on the surface. However, what I found was that fear actually means reverential trust, real trust and humility means that I'm giving place to God, I'm putting him first and waiting for him. So really it means that trusting the Lord and putting him first leads to honor and success and increase in our lives. Still pretty basic and yet what I finally realized at my age is that I never really wait on God I try so hard to use my own judgment and common sense and I always feel like I'm supposed to step out and just try. I can not begin to tell you how many things I have screwed up doing that.
And actually in reading the Word I am learning how many times this specific concept is mentioned. We are told to trust in the Lord, that he directs our steps, be anxious for nothing but in everything with prayer and supplication make your requests known to God lean not unto your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him.....and the list goes on.
So what I'm learning is we are going to cast our seed upon the water, we are going to plant seeds everywhere we go in obedience but it is He that brings the increase and the harvest. Just like the farmer we plant and we wait we water and we wait. The seed goes through major changes and fights through the earth to get to the sun...it's a miracle of God and so are the plans and expectations He has for us. They are miracles that if we let Him and we don't go dig up the seed or try to force the growth He will cause to manifest in a way that we never could have.
So.......I have to stay in humility putting Him first and waiting on Him...and trust Him and his direction and just stay in His presence.
You know when He finally got me the job of crisis intervention clinician it was a job that allows me to stay with my current employer since she's having health issues and help her. He loves her too.....what a God.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
November 28, 1013;
It's Thanksgiving and I would say that this year has been particularly hard on me and my family individually and collectively. I have completed all of my coursework for my doctorate program and am now in my dissertation. I have gained new employment as a crisis intervention clinician which should be amazingly beneficial on my journey and I am beginning to say goodbye to some old relationships that will be more than heartbreaking.
My oldest is facing her third back surgery which should actually be a turning point for her life since she lives most of her life in extreme pain. So this I look forward to since being so young and so unable to enjoy life is just too difficult, especially when there is help available.
My middle daughter is doing well, she took some time off from her job and has moved home for a while. I was able to sit in with her psych appointment which proved to be illuminating. I love this stuff so for me it really is fun. All in all she is doing quite well. She actually has shown me how to trust God and not intervene in situations in a much more mature way than I could have ever done. She surprises me.
My baby is struggling immensely, her struggle breaks my heart and is impossible to discuss but I know God is much bigger than the problem. "The seed of the righteous shall be delivered" that is what I say out loud and to myself numerous times everyday. I know He's bigger and I know He has her and He is intervening. I love her and hold her every time she lets me but it's not often enough.
I know things are making a huge transition in my life right now. I feel in my spirit as though I'm saying goodbye to a lot of things and I'm going forward to I really don't know what. But I know God is directing my path and I know He has plans for me with an expected end. Plans for good and not to harm me.
I have been forging a trail alone in my spirit for a long time. My life was turned upside down about six years ago and since then I have been finishing my education and doing damage control. Six years of damage control. Six years of being broke, doing repairs on my home, which by the way is older than me, and working on my education. Which when I began that journey I had no idea what I was going to do.
And what have I learned........well...Sometimes God talks to you by not talking to you. Sometimes you have to accept what the Word says by faith and just walk it out in the dark. And sometimes nothing happens for a really long time. Everything just stands still and you wonder if He hears your cries. Then you keep paying your bills and being broke and wondering how you're going to make it to the next payday and why did this or that break again....seriously? And in the midst of all that your kids decide after years of being gone that they are coming home.......really? All three of them at one time or another. Grandkids everywhere, never enough food to last (but somehow they always eat). A dog on your property you never wanted, bikes everywhere and you're Nama...ughhhhh.
Now in the middle of that try to have a personal life, yea right and try to finish your schooling. Well, that I refused to give up on.
Now it's Thanksgiving with Christmas around the corner. I can honestly say that God is in the business of restoration. He is restoring the girls in a whole way, not just a partial fix but completely. And when He is through they will leave one by one. My house will be empty and I will once again be in my home alone. His timing is perfect and He does a complete work so I know that in His plans He wants me abundantly happy and in that He will provide someone for me to love and care for. But the timing will be His and it will be perfect.
Until then I will be about my Father's work.
It's Thanksgiving and I would say that this year has been particularly hard on me and my family individually and collectively. I have completed all of my coursework for my doctorate program and am now in my dissertation. I have gained new employment as a crisis intervention clinician which should be amazingly beneficial on my journey and I am beginning to say goodbye to some old relationships that will be more than heartbreaking.
My oldest is facing her third back surgery which should actually be a turning point for her life since she lives most of her life in extreme pain. So this I look forward to since being so young and so unable to enjoy life is just too difficult, especially when there is help available.
My middle daughter is doing well, she took some time off from her job and has moved home for a while. I was able to sit in with her psych appointment which proved to be illuminating. I love this stuff so for me it really is fun. All in all she is doing quite well. She actually has shown me how to trust God and not intervene in situations in a much more mature way than I could have ever done. She surprises me.
My baby is struggling immensely, her struggle breaks my heart and is impossible to discuss but I know God is much bigger than the problem. "The seed of the righteous shall be delivered" that is what I say out loud and to myself numerous times everyday. I know He's bigger and I know He has her and He is intervening. I love her and hold her every time she lets me but it's not often enough.
I know things are making a huge transition in my life right now. I feel in my spirit as though I'm saying goodbye to a lot of things and I'm going forward to I really don't know what. But I know God is directing my path and I know He has plans for me with an expected end. Plans for good and not to harm me.
I have been forging a trail alone in my spirit for a long time. My life was turned upside down about six years ago and since then I have been finishing my education and doing damage control. Six years of damage control. Six years of being broke, doing repairs on my home, which by the way is older than me, and working on my education. Which when I began that journey I had no idea what I was going to do.
And what have I learned........well...Sometimes God talks to you by not talking to you. Sometimes you have to accept what the Word says by faith and just walk it out in the dark. And sometimes nothing happens for a really long time. Everything just stands still and you wonder if He hears your cries. Then you keep paying your bills and being broke and wondering how you're going to make it to the next payday and why did this or that break again....seriously? And in the midst of all that your kids decide after years of being gone that they are coming home.......really? All three of them at one time or another. Grandkids everywhere, never enough food to last (but somehow they always eat). A dog on your property you never wanted, bikes everywhere and you're Nama...ughhhhh.
Now in the middle of that try to have a personal life, yea right and try to finish your schooling. Well, that I refused to give up on.
Now it's Thanksgiving with Christmas around the corner. I can honestly say that God is in the business of restoration. He is restoring the girls in a whole way, not just a partial fix but completely. And when He is through they will leave one by one. My house will be empty and I will once again be in my home alone. His timing is perfect and He does a complete work so I know that in His plans He wants me abundantly happy and in that He will provide someone for me to love and care for. But the timing will be His and it will be perfect.
Until then I will be about my Father's work.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
November 21, 2013
I took a walk in the park one night and then everything changed. The park was full of people walking and enjoying the weather I was listening to my praise and worship music and enjoying the time alone and the people walking. It was such a nice evening and it felt like God just opened up the Heavens and I could feel the presence of all the angels and Him talking in my ear.....and all he said was that everything was fine He had taken care of everything, it was already done just enjoy....
The next day was wonderful and quiet but the day after that everything changed. Suddenly.....I had my chair person and my committee person for my dissertation, they had been approved by the research center and they automatically registered me in my dissertation courses. If that wasn't enough I went to a job interview and she hired me on the spot for a crisis intervention specialist...with a car, an office and I could still keep my other job since I was a week on and a week off all paid. I couldn't believe it. Everything changed and I had nothing to do with it except I showed up.
I have no advice about how to make things happen I have no reason that all of it fell into place except that God is faithful and he doesn't lie in his Word. What He says in his Word he will do. Of course we have to plant some seeds, like applying to the dissertation program and of course applying for the job months before.....but He opens doors no man can close and he closes doors no man can open.
Of course I'm still praying for my daughters and I continually pray for my grandchildren. There are loose ends but He'll take care of them all.
Isn't it funny how you can interview in some places and you just know you don't want to be there. There's nothing about the interview, the people or the place that confirms anything except the feeling that you can't leave soon enough. I've had those interviews repeatedly with people who were less than desirable on any level. That was not the case when I walked in to this behavioral health center. I was comfortable, I liked the woman I interviewed with, I liked the surroundings, I liked everything about it and I felt an excitement screaming in me that said let's get to work!
My dissertation process was the same way, I couldn't make it happen. I had chosen a gentleman to be my mentor months ago, but somehow at the right time he is no longer available. So, I began looking and I honestly didn't know what I was going to do or who was going to accept the request. All of my classmates were going through the same process and the clock was ticking. As it turned out I was the only one in my class to get a chair (mentor), a committee member, accepted into the program and registered before the class was over. And I couldn't have made it happen no matter how much I tried. Someone said well Cindy it's because you're smart. Every person in that doctoral class was smart and they all had wonderful projects going for them, God just showed favor because He's faithful not because of anything to do with me and I am so grateful!
Have you ever thought that the process of trying and working towards something, the struggle of it is the thing we get wrapped up in. I don't even think we really believe the work will pay off or that God's promises are true, but we just keep trying and pleading. Then....when it happens and you had nothing to do with it you're in complete shock that something wonderful can actually happen to you? We actually learn to live in the struggle like that's where we're supposed to live just struggling and trying and believing without anything happening? I did. I didn't even think it would happen and yet in my unbelief God still blessed me, He honored his Word and blessed me. Did you know that good things are supposed to happen to us all the time? They are, but I never really thought so. I was so surprised I cried all the way home in gratefulness. We are not to live in fear we are to live in expectancy of good, I think that's very hard to do but I think I'm going to work very hard at receiving and trusting.
I took a walk in the park one night and then everything changed. The park was full of people walking and enjoying the weather I was listening to my praise and worship music and enjoying the time alone and the people walking. It was such a nice evening and it felt like God just opened up the Heavens and I could feel the presence of all the angels and Him talking in my ear.....and all he said was that everything was fine He had taken care of everything, it was already done just enjoy....
The next day was wonderful and quiet but the day after that everything changed. Suddenly.....I had my chair person and my committee person for my dissertation, they had been approved by the research center and they automatically registered me in my dissertation courses. If that wasn't enough I went to a job interview and she hired me on the spot for a crisis intervention specialist...with a car, an office and I could still keep my other job since I was a week on and a week off all paid. I couldn't believe it. Everything changed and I had nothing to do with it except I showed up.
I have no advice about how to make things happen I have no reason that all of it fell into place except that God is faithful and he doesn't lie in his Word. What He says in his Word he will do. Of course we have to plant some seeds, like applying to the dissertation program and of course applying for the job months before.....but He opens doors no man can close and he closes doors no man can open.
Of course I'm still praying for my daughters and I continually pray for my grandchildren. There are loose ends but He'll take care of them all.
Isn't it funny how you can interview in some places and you just know you don't want to be there. There's nothing about the interview, the people or the place that confirms anything except the feeling that you can't leave soon enough. I've had those interviews repeatedly with people who were less than desirable on any level. That was not the case when I walked in to this behavioral health center. I was comfortable, I liked the woman I interviewed with, I liked the surroundings, I liked everything about it and I felt an excitement screaming in me that said let's get to work!
My dissertation process was the same way, I couldn't make it happen. I had chosen a gentleman to be my mentor months ago, but somehow at the right time he is no longer available. So, I began looking and I honestly didn't know what I was going to do or who was going to accept the request. All of my classmates were going through the same process and the clock was ticking. As it turned out I was the only one in my class to get a chair (mentor), a committee member, accepted into the program and registered before the class was over. And I couldn't have made it happen no matter how much I tried. Someone said well Cindy it's because you're smart. Every person in that doctoral class was smart and they all had wonderful projects going for them, God just showed favor because He's faithful not because of anything to do with me and I am so grateful!
Have you ever thought that the process of trying and working towards something, the struggle of it is the thing we get wrapped up in. I don't even think we really believe the work will pay off or that God's promises are true, but we just keep trying and pleading. Then....when it happens and you had nothing to do with it you're in complete shock that something wonderful can actually happen to you? We actually learn to live in the struggle like that's where we're supposed to live just struggling and trying and believing without anything happening? I did. I didn't even think it would happen and yet in my unbelief God still blessed me, He honored his Word and blessed me. Did you know that good things are supposed to happen to us all the time? They are, but I never really thought so. I was so surprised I cried all the way home in gratefulness. We are not to live in fear we are to live in expectancy of good, I think that's very hard to do but I think I'm going to work very hard at receiving and trusting.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
November 17, 2013;
Why is it that some people just can't get over past relationships so they stalk the person. They take their adult son (because they have no friends that are that stupid) and they go to the person's house and stalk....really? What's wrong with people? This person has someone staying in his home and professes to be in a relationship with this person and yet can't seem to get over a past relationship and insists on taking his son and visiting this person.
So I sit and wonder how must the woman who is currently in the relationship feel?
When you see things and people like this does it make you want to be in a relationship?
Not me, it scares the hell out of me.
Here's another strange happening, a man who lives in the community who deals drugs, threatens people, beats up women and basically just physically abuses and verbally abuses people. In and out of jail and yet there is no rehabilitation there is just continual terrorism.
What is the end of this person? Will he kill someone and end up on death row?
Will he be killed in a desperate act of survival from another person?
Whatever the end it won't end well, his end will be as his life currently is....violent.
The Bible says we are supposed to seek peace and pursue it. I always thought it was a nice saying and really never put much depth to it's meaning until now. Neither of these individual's lives are lived in peace. Neither of these individuals have peace in their hearts. Neither of them are peaceful inward and their actions outward are anything but peaceful.
The Bible also says the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty to the pulling down of strongholds casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the name of Jesus. So basically when things come against us, things that seem out of control and bigger than we can handle we don't have to fight them in the flesh it's a spiritual battle that's fought and won through prayer. We do have authority through Christ over the battles that rage against us. Being in one of those battles myself I'm not quite sure how long the battle lasts but I can tell you its won as long as we use the Word.
Why is it that some people just can't get over past relationships so they stalk the person. They take their adult son (because they have no friends that are that stupid) and they go to the person's house and stalk....really? What's wrong with people? This person has someone staying in his home and professes to be in a relationship with this person and yet can't seem to get over a past relationship and insists on taking his son and visiting this person.
So I sit and wonder how must the woman who is currently in the relationship feel?
When you see things and people like this does it make you want to be in a relationship?
Not me, it scares the hell out of me.
Here's another strange happening, a man who lives in the community who deals drugs, threatens people, beats up women and basically just physically abuses and verbally abuses people. In and out of jail and yet there is no rehabilitation there is just continual terrorism.
What is the end of this person? Will he kill someone and end up on death row?
Will he be killed in a desperate act of survival from another person?
Whatever the end it won't end well, his end will be as his life currently is....violent.
The Bible says we are supposed to seek peace and pursue it. I always thought it was a nice saying and really never put much depth to it's meaning until now. Neither of these individual's lives are lived in peace. Neither of these individuals have peace in their hearts. Neither of them are peaceful inward and their actions outward are anything but peaceful.
The Bible also says the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty to the pulling down of strongholds casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the name of Jesus. So basically when things come against us, things that seem out of control and bigger than we can handle we don't have to fight them in the flesh it's a spiritual battle that's fought and won through prayer. We do have authority through Christ over the battles that rage against us. Being in one of those battles myself I'm not quite sure how long the battle lasts but I can tell you its won as long as we use the Word.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
November 16, 2013
It's hard being a parent watching the choices your children make. Have you ever gotten on facebook and read some of the painful posts one person might make and then scroll down your page to find another person who used to friends with the person in pain, gloating over things they shouldn't, flaunting things they have no right flaunting knowing that the person who is in so much pain could be directly influenced by the gloating of the other person. It's disgusting, but some people are just like that. Fortunately I have lived long enough to know how those things end......and it's never pretty. And I usually continue living long enough to see it.
A woman walked up to me today and talked for a while. She has led a similar life and has adult children who haven't made the best choices themselves and she too has gone through the feelings and thoughts of responsibility for her children. As she shared everything she had gone through, she said you and I are a lot alike. There was only one problem I know my God is bigger than any problem that may come. And I will agree this year has been one of the most painful years I have known BUT, I know my God is so much bigger than any circumstances and I know that my family will be restored in a much better way than it ever was. I live in hope of what I know my God will do. I live in joy because he fills me with it and I live in expectancy of his goodness toward me and my family. And in that respect she and I are very different.
I refuse to see things the way they are and say well this is the way they are and they will stay this way. NO WAY. I believe the seed of the righteous will be delivered, I believe to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. And I believe we receive double for our trouble. So, no I don't believe we are the same and I do believe my circumstances will change and I know God is faithful to complete the work in me he has begun!!!!!
It's hard being a parent watching the choices your children make. Have you ever gotten on facebook and read some of the painful posts one person might make and then scroll down your page to find another person who used to friends with the person in pain, gloating over things they shouldn't, flaunting things they have no right flaunting knowing that the person who is in so much pain could be directly influenced by the gloating of the other person. It's disgusting, but some people are just like that. Fortunately I have lived long enough to know how those things end......and it's never pretty. And I usually continue living long enough to see it.
A woman walked up to me today and talked for a while. She has led a similar life and has adult children who haven't made the best choices themselves and she too has gone through the feelings and thoughts of responsibility for her children. As she shared everything she had gone through, she said you and I are a lot alike. There was only one problem I know my God is bigger than any problem that may come. And I will agree this year has been one of the most painful years I have known BUT, I know my God is so much bigger than any circumstances and I know that my family will be restored in a much better way than it ever was. I live in hope of what I know my God will do. I live in joy because he fills me with it and I live in expectancy of his goodness toward me and my family. And in that respect she and I are very different.
I refuse to see things the way they are and say well this is the way they are and they will stay this way. NO WAY. I believe the seed of the righteous will be delivered, I believe to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. And I believe we receive double for our trouble. So, no I don't believe we are the same and I do believe my circumstances will change and I know God is faithful to complete the work in me he has begun!!!!!
Friday, November 15, 2013
November 15, 2013
I quit posting in September it became too hard personally. All I can really say is that this year has been harder than when I had to close my child development center. At the same time I will be entering my dissertation classes next month and continuing on my journey.
I believe the phd completion is more of a bucket list thing than anything...could I really do it? Well apparently I can so now what?
Why aren't I married? Why have I been single for so long? I can honestly say that I have not met the right person........ever, except my grandfather and he's unavailable.
There are several things I have learned this year about me, I like me, I really do and I enjoy the things I like and I enjoy me doing them. I enjoy freedom. It's a gift. It was first given to me by my grandmother. She always gave me tons of freedom and trust at a young age. I spent hours every day on the piano and on the river, with my friends and just being a very free spirit. I didn't get into trouble I just enjoyed being free. Quite the gift!
I said when I was 17 that I would never marry and definitely did not want to have children. I married 3 times and had 3 children. The men I married I slept with and therefore believed I was supposed to marry them to make it not be a sin. WRONG!!!! And the marriages were WRONG. I didn't like them, and that was definitely not fair to them.
One was a sergeant on the police department (not a good one, but employed).
The second one was on drugs after a year of being married (he believed I couldn't divorce him after one year of marriage). Whatever I did.
The third marriage should have never happened. We had been friends and we married he was jealous and loved to fool around and later got involved in drugs. He left. All of his drama took place within a 3 year time period.
I have learned I don't want to marry someone who needs a mommy, a person who is smarter than he is to handle the money, someone who needs to marry someone so he has a home and someone to raise his kids....really??????? And I definitely don't want to marry someone who wants to strip me of my freedom and have me on a short leash.....where's my dinner? Where are my clean clothes? Have you paid the bills? Blah blah blah I have better things to do.
My grandfather was sitting beside me when I called my first husband to ask permission to go do something. I don't even know what it was but I actually called for permission. When I got off the phone my grandfather very quietly said...."you know, your grandmother never called me to ask permission to do anything....oh, she might call me and let me know what she was doing or where she was going to be just to let me know and then again she might not....she might tell me later, but she never asked permission...she didn't have to, she's an adult and we respect each other". What a concept two adults building a life together with trust allowing each other to be an individual.
I don't need another daddy. My friend whom I work for sits beside me at the other desk most of the day where her husband calls her an average of 10 times a day to make sure she's doing what he has instructed her to do. Why isn't this done, make sure you do that, where did you go.... this goes on constantly. He called once and I answered the phone and he asked me where she had gone and what she was doing. Are you serious, she has a cell phone I don't keep track of her I'm not her mother.
So seeing her and her husband and her son and his wife and the way they act is a very good commercial for staying single. They scare the hell out of me!
So I walk at night and I enjoy my time. I take time for friends and I try to take care of my family, but that's become very hard this year.
I quit posting in September it became too hard personally. All I can really say is that this year has been harder than when I had to close my child development center. At the same time I will be entering my dissertation classes next month and continuing on my journey.
I believe the phd completion is more of a bucket list thing than anything...could I really do it? Well apparently I can so now what?
Why aren't I married? Why have I been single for so long? I can honestly say that I have not met the right person........ever, except my grandfather and he's unavailable.
There are several things I have learned this year about me, I like me, I really do and I enjoy the things I like and I enjoy me doing them. I enjoy freedom. It's a gift. It was first given to me by my grandmother. She always gave me tons of freedom and trust at a young age. I spent hours every day on the piano and on the river, with my friends and just being a very free spirit. I didn't get into trouble I just enjoyed being free. Quite the gift!
I said when I was 17 that I would never marry and definitely did not want to have children. I married 3 times and had 3 children. The men I married I slept with and therefore believed I was supposed to marry them to make it not be a sin. WRONG!!!! And the marriages were WRONG. I didn't like them, and that was definitely not fair to them.
One was a sergeant on the police department (not a good one, but employed).
The second one was on drugs after a year of being married (he believed I couldn't divorce him after one year of marriage). Whatever I did.
The third marriage should have never happened. We had been friends and we married he was jealous and loved to fool around and later got involved in drugs. He left. All of his drama took place within a 3 year time period.
I have learned I don't want to marry someone who needs a mommy, a person who is smarter than he is to handle the money, someone who needs to marry someone so he has a home and someone to raise his kids....really??????? And I definitely don't want to marry someone who wants to strip me of my freedom and have me on a short leash.....where's my dinner? Where are my clean clothes? Have you paid the bills? Blah blah blah I have better things to do.
My grandfather was sitting beside me when I called my first husband to ask permission to go do something. I don't even know what it was but I actually called for permission. When I got off the phone my grandfather very quietly said...."you know, your grandmother never called me to ask permission to do anything....oh, she might call me and let me know what she was doing or where she was going to be just to let me know and then again she might not....she might tell me later, but she never asked permission...she didn't have to, she's an adult and we respect each other". What a concept two adults building a life together with trust allowing each other to be an individual.
I don't need another daddy. My friend whom I work for sits beside me at the other desk most of the day where her husband calls her an average of 10 times a day to make sure she's doing what he has instructed her to do. Why isn't this done, make sure you do that, where did you go.... this goes on constantly. He called once and I answered the phone and he asked me where she had gone and what she was doing. Are you serious, she has a cell phone I don't keep track of her I'm not her mother.
So seeing her and her husband and her son and his wife and the way they act is a very good commercial for staying single. They scare the hell out of me!
So I walk at night and I enjoy my time. I take time for friends and I try to take care of my family, but that's become very hard this year.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
September 25, 2013
I have committed to reading Proverbs every day, now I'm trying to type exactly why I'm doing this and I have typed and deleted and typed again so I'm apparently unsure as to why I'm really doing this. Although I will say it is harder than I thought and there is a lot more in there than I realized. I read the words but sometimes I really don't completely understand what it's trying to tell me. I'm praying that it will impart the wisdom I'm looking for and I will say this it is definitely imparting peace and there are some changes taking place within me that are creating resolves that I know are not fully realized but they are forming.
The Word is alive and sharper than a two edged sword. Now I know this. I know its scriptural and that I have read this in the new testament. No, I don't remember where and this is a bad habit of mine. I remember tons of scripture, just don't ask me exactly where its at. I do know that as the Word is imparted within me that I have become calmer, more resolved and I know in my spirit that I don't have to have all the answers. Now this is a far cry from when I began this journey and I've only read through Genesis and the first 6 chapters of Proverbs. Proverbs talks about the person, although it says the woman, I believe in my case a woman would not be my problem but a man of this type would, that flatters with words to get you to do something they want. They'll tell you anything you want to hear as long as you will do what they want. Honestly, for me that sounds like most men I know. It also speaks about how wisdom brings pleasantness and peace into our lives and safety as well. Our feet will not stumble we will have sweet sleep when we give our attention to wisdom. Now really, how many people can't sleep at night because they are worried to death about everything. And who in their right mind doesn't want a little peace in their lives. We all do. I can tell you that as I have begun to read daily, there has been a gradual increase of peace within my home and my head.
Did you know that in Proverbs 6 he uses perverse mouth and flattery within the same context, the same verse. Then it goes on to say that this person with the perverse mouth who uses flattery has a perverse heart as well. And I find it interesting that flattery is in a negative context the perverse person uses flattery, therefore flattery is a type of perverse communication, why? Maybe because the person's motive for using it is manipulation? Hmm. I have known quite a few people like this and I have to say they have not ended up well. Their end is usually very self destructive and lonely.
Now I won't tell you that everything in my life is perfect. My oldest is going in for more surgery, my middle daughter is still schizophrenic but I have to give her mad props she is functioning like someone who does not have the disorder. My youngest still has many things to figure out but I will continue to bring her before the Lord there are many scriptures on the seed of the righteous and God's covering over them. Well, she's my seed and I'm the righteous and He's my God.
Every mother has to take a stand for her family before the throne of Grace and realize that He's got this, He's got me and He's got them too. Amidst this my poor boss is having major health issues so I just keep praying for her.
All the while you may be wondering why I never mention any interest in men. Any relationship issues with the opposite sex. I had them. Had. I don't. The end. Don't get me wrong I love men. I love romance, I love sex and marriage I love it all. I appear to not have any time for it at the moment. And there isn't anyone that I would change my schedule for to spend time with who is currently attempting to be in my life. When he shows up I'll know and I guarantee there will be all kinds of time for him. Until then I'm busy.
I have committed to reading Proverbs every day, now I'm trying to type exactly why I'm doing this and I have typed and deleted and typed again so I'm apparently unsure as to why I'm really doing this. Although I will say it is harder than I thought and there is a lot more in there than I realized. I read the words but sometimes I really don't completely understand what it's trying to tell me. I'm praying that it will impart the wisdom I'm looking for and I will say this it is definitely imparting peace and there are some changes taking place within me that are creating resolves that I know are not fully realized but they are forming.
The Word is alive and sharper than a two edged sword. Now I know this. I know its scriptural and that I have read this in the new testament. No, I don't remember where and this is a bad habit of mine. I remember tons of scripture, just don't ask me exactly where its at. I do know that as the Word is imparted within me that I have become calmer, more resolved and I know in my spirit that I don't have to have all the answers. Now this is a far cry from when I began this journey and I've only read through Genesis and the first 6 chapters of Proverbs. Proverbs talks about the person, although it says the woman, I believe in my case a woman would not be my problem but a man of this type would, that flatters with words to get you to do something they want. They'll tell you anything you want to hear as long as you will do what they want. Honestly, for me that sounds like most men I know. It also speaks about how wisdom brings pleasantness and peace into our lives and safety as well. Our feet will not stumble we will have sweet sleep when we give our attention to wisdom. Now really, how many people can't sleep at night because they are worried to death about everything. And who in their right mind doesn't want a little peace in their lives. We all do. I can tell you that as I have begun to read daily, there has been a gradual increase of peace within my home and my head.
Did you know that in Proverbs 6 he uses perverse mouth and flattery within the same context, the same verse. Then it goes on to say that this person with the perverse mouth who uses flattery has a perverse heart as well. And I find it interesting that flattery is in a negative context the perverse person uses flattery, therefore flattery is a type of perverse communication, why? Maybe because the person's motive for using it is manipulation? Hmm. I have known quite a few people like this and I have to say they have not ended up well. Their end is usually very self destructive and lonely.
Now I won't tell you that everything in my life is perfect. My oldest is going in for more surgery, my middle daughter is still schizophrenic but I have to give her mad props she is functioning like someone who does not have the disorder. My youngest still has many things to figure out but I will continue to bring her before the Lord there are many scriptures on the seed of the righteous and God's covering over them. Well, she's my seed and I'm the righteous and He's my God.
Every mother has to take a stand for her family before the throne of Grace and realize that He's got this, He's got me and He's got them too. Amidst this my poor boss is having major health issues so I just keep praying for her.
All the while you may be wondering why I never mention any interest in men. Any relationship issues with the opposite sex. I had them. Had. I don't. The end. Don't get me wrong I love men. I love romance, I love sex and marriage I love it all. I appear to not have any time for it at the moment. And there isn't anyone that I would change my schedule for to spend time with who is currently attempting to be in my life. When he shows up I'll know and I guarantee there will be all kinds of time for him. Until then I'm busy.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
September 24, 2013;
No matter how hard you may try to influence your children apparently they have minds of their own. Influenced by various outside factors as well as those inside factors that have been implanted by experience, family and friends. These experiences may be either positive or negative and will enhance the child's life or take away from the quality of it by leaving scars that may stay for a very long time.
Watching your adult children make choices that affect their lives in both positive and negative ways is frustrating to say the least. I love the comment of theirs, "But Mom, YOU did it", yes I did and that's why I can tell you the zillion reasons why you shouldn't. I can tell you from the beginning to the end what is going to happen to you as a result of the choices you will make and how they will leave you feeling and for how long. And yet with all of that, they walk away with their noses in the air charging into the future to make those choices they weren't allowed to make before, because they were not old enough to screw up their lives without my permission.
And yet no one told me how I would begin to age, not because of the years, but because of the worry and the fret over them. One older person told me years ago, it's easy when they are young, then you should work. But when they are older, you should be home and never let them out of your sight. Oh how true. And yet I was there and I watched them and fought with them and prayed over them. So they waited until they were adults to really go for it. My oldest told me "okay Mom, I'm eighteen I can have a baby if I want to now". Mind you she wasn't married, she just wanted a baby. Makes perfect sense I suppose if you've recently suffered brain damage to the frontal lobe.
So I pray and I read and I wonder if I'm perfect will they live better lives. If I excel and do everything right and they see it's a good thing, will they follow in my footsteps? No! Who would want to I work my ass off. I do homework at night and shortly I will begin an internship while I continue working. But.........what if I made the decision to throw it all up to God and let Him do the work???
Well the Bible says in Isaiah that we will live in homes we didn't build we will have vineyards we didn't plant. It sounds as though the Lord will bring us into an inheritance that we didn't work for. So why am I working so hard.........I have no idea. Joseph Prince talks about Grace and Receiving. I think I have worked hard enough trying to show my kids how to live I believe now I would do well to turn it all over to Him and receive his Grace and Goodness and let Him show them how good He is! And by the way the Bible also says to be anxious for nothing but in everything give thanks and make your requests known to God and let the peace of God that passes all understanding keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. I will tell you that sounds good because I'm about to lose my mind and my heart hurts all the time. He is faithful it's time for me to quit worrying and remember He's their Father too, He has control of it all and He will prosper us and keep us.
No matter how hard you may try to influence your children apparently they have minds of their own. Influenced by various outside factors as well as those inside factors that have been implanted by experience, family and friends. These experiences may be either positive or negative and will enhance the child's life or take away from the quality of it by leaving scars that may stay for a very long time.
Watching your adult children make choices that affect their lives in both positive and negative ways is frustrating to say the least. I love the comment of theirs, "But Mom, YOU did it", yes I did and that's why I can tell you the zillion reasons why you shouldn't. I can tell you from the beginning to the end what is going to happen to you as a result of the choices you will make and how they will leave you feeling and for how long. And yet with all of that, they walk away with their noses in the air charging into the future to make those choices they weren't allowed to make before, because they were not old enough to screw up their lives without my permission.
And yet no one told me how I would begin to age, not because of the years, but because of the worry and the fret over them. One older person told me years ago, it's easy when they are young, then you should work. But when they are older, you should be home and never let them out of your sight. Oh how true. And yet I was there and I watched them and fought with them and prayed over them. So they waited until they were adults to really go for it. My oldest told me "okay Mom, I'm eighteen I can have a baby if I want to now". Mind you she wasn't married, she just wanted a baby. Makes perfect sense I suppose if you've recently suffered brain damage to the frontal lobe.
So I pray and I read and I wonder if I'm perfect will they live better lives. If I excel and do everything right and they see it's a good thing, will they follow in my footsteps? No! Who would want to I work my ass off. I do homework at night and shortly I will begin an internship while I continue working. But.........what if I made the decision to throw it all up to God and let Him do the work???
Well the Bible says in Isaiah that we will live in homes we didn't build we will have vineyards we didn't plant. It sounds as though the Lord will bring us into an inheritance that we didn't work for. So why am I working so hard.........I have no idea. Joseph Prince talks about Grace and Receiving. I think I have worked hard enough trying to show my kids how to live I believe now I would do well to turn it all over to Him and receive his Grace and Goodness and let Him show them how good He is! And by the way the Bible also says to be anxious for nothing but in everything give thanks and make your requests known to God and let the peace of God that passes all understanding keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. I will tell you that sounds good because I'm about to lose my mind and my heart hurts all the time. He is faithful it's time for me to quit worrying and remember He's their Father too, He has control of it all and He will prosper us and keep us.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
September 15, 2013;
I started reading Proverbs along with the old testament, it's a challenge. I'm supposed to read a chapter a night, it has 31, and do this for two years. There's a purpose behind this exercise but I'll wait on that.
Anyway the first chapter explains that Proverbs is specifically for instruction on justice, equity and discretion. Why do I care....well according to Proverbs when we seek wisdom and instruction we dwell safely, we live a quiet life free from fear. When we choose not to our fear comes upon us and destruction.
So we eat the fruit of our own ways.
Ch 2 explains that wisdom and knowledge are to be sought after and the Lord gives those things. As a result he is a shield for us, he preserves our ways. So he preserves us, he keeps us and delivers us from the evil man and their devices.
So there is a reward for seeking his wisdom and learning to operate with and in discretion.
I started reading Proverbs along with the old testament, it's a challenge. I'm supposed to read a chapter a night, it has 31, and do this for two years. There's a purpose behind this exercise but I'll wait on that.
Anyway the first chapter explains that Proverbs is specifically for instruction on justice, equity and discretion. Why do I care....well according to Proverbs when we seek wisdom and instruction we dwell safely, we live a quiet life free from fear. When we choose not to our fear comes upon us and destruction.
So we eat the fruit of our own ways.
Ch 2 explains that wisdom and knowledge are to be sought after and the Lord gives those things. As a result he is a shield for us, he preserves our ways. So he preserves us, he keeps us and delivers us from the evil man and their devices.
So there is a reward for seeking his wisdom and learning to operate with and in discretion.
September 15, 2013;
So I'm reading Genesis its great, a few things to note Jacob was shrewd and he really had it going on, although to be honest I'm not sure how peaceful life would be with two wives and concubines. And since the two wives were sisters and one couldn't get pregnant, she threw her concubine at her husband so she could have a child a little competitiveness and jealousy between them? I can't imagine being someone's concubine and then being told go sleep with my husband and have a child with him. Mind you, Rachel didn't want her maid to have feelings for him, just sleep with him. Of course Leah did the same thing, she gave him her maid to have kids with. And not once in the scriptures do I see Jacob going "No, No, I don't want to". Yea right. And yet from all of this comes the twelve tribes of Israel. Love does strange things to women, particularly to women. It's so hard sex is so physical for men, but with women, it's all about love for the most part. We want complete intimacy. You know, they have termed that the "Eve complex" instead of just accepting that there should be one person for one person, if you want monogamy you obviously have the Eve complex. Yea ok whatever.
Think about it, Jacob had multiple wives and he started the twelve tribes of Israel, David had multiple wives and he was the man after God's own heart. He had an affair with Bathsheba, got her pregnant, killed her husband and then their baby died as a result. But after........God blessed him with a son from Bathsheba named Solomon, a man of peace whom God loved. He became the richest wisest man on earth.
What would you say this means? I think it means that God knows us, he created us, he understands matters of the heart, he gets it. He knows were framed from dust, he knows our deepest desires and longings, even if it means we love the wrong person at the wrong time, he knows. So what do we do with that? I don't know. I know we give to Him, we tell him, we cry to him and we wait, just wait. Sometimes we fall, but he knows.
So I'm reading Genesis its great, a few things to note Jacob was shrewd and he really had it going on, although to be honest I'm not sure how peaceful life would be with two wives and concubines. And since the two wives were sisters and one couldn't get pregnant, she threw her concubine at her husband so she could have a child a little competitiveness and jealousy between them? I can't imagine being someone's concubine and then being told go sleep with my husband and have a child with him. Mind you, Rachel didn't want her maid to have feelings for him, just sleep with him. Of course Leah did the same thing, she gave him her maid to have kids with. And not once in the scriptures do I see Jacob going "No, No, I don't want to". Yea right. And yet from all of this comes the twelve tribes of Israel. Love does strange things to women, particularly to women. It's so hard sex is so physical for men, but with women, it's all about love for the most part. We want complete intimacy. You know, they have termed that the "Eve complex" instead of just accepting that there should be one person for one person, if you want monogamy you obviously have the Eve complex. Yea ok whatever.
Think about it, Jacob had multiple wives and he started the twelve tribes of Israel, David had multiple wives and he was the man after God's own heart. He had an affair with Bathsheba, got her pregnant, killed her husband and then their baby died as a result. But after........God blessed him with a son from Bathsheba named Solomon, a man of peace whom God loved. He became the richest wisest man on earth.
What would you say this means? I think it means that God knows us, he created us, he understands matters of the heart, he gets it. He knows were framed from dust, he knows our deepest desires and longings, even if it means we love the wrong person at the wrong time, he knows. So what do we do with that? I don't know. I know we give to Him, we tell him, we cry to him and we wait, just wait. Sometimes we fall, but he knows.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
September 10, 2013
How is it possible to be this old and still have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?
People ask me all the time "So what are you going to do with that degree?" I look at them like I'm waiting for them to tell me. I'm actually waiting for someone to tell me. I would have never imagined that I would go to school for this long come to the point of doing my dissertation and still not know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. And really I don't think you're supposed to tell people you don't know what you're going to do, like they might revoke you doctorate or something. And did you know that there are assholes everywhere? I spent most of my adult life believing that people with education were all nice. Yes, I led a very sheltered life growing up. Children were not part of adult conversations, girls did not speak at the table (I was raised by my grandparents, lol, I'm not that old) and my grandfolks slept in separate beds across the room from each other. When I first got married I was asked if I had consummated my marriage. I had no idea what she meant by that, quite possibly a food we ate or something? I really didn't know.
Needless to say I learned as I got older and became more educated that there are assholes everywhere in every walk of life. I just didn't think they would confer them with degrees but I guess so.
So lacking direction in my life I decided to take some serious advice and start reading a chapter in Proverbs a day, take notes and glean the principles of wisdom. I just began the journey and I must say that I really like it. There are two principles that we are supposed to seek, wisdom and peace. I have to say that I'm very excited to seek out the wisdom of proverbs, and strangely in doing this I feel an amazing presence of peace. Solomon wrote Proverbs, he was the wisest and the richest man on earth. God had created Solomon with these attributes, he referred to Solomon as a man of peace and he said that he loved Solomon. Solomon was the son of King David from his adulterous affair with Bathsheba. Their first son died as punishment for King David murdering Bathsheba's husband. However, God is a God of restoration and multiplicity, so when he restored the son that David lost he made him seven times better than the one that was lost. Remember that when you have lost something.
This is where my journey begins and I believe it's an excellent place to begin. Of course I'm filling out applications and working on my dissertation while I work and referee my children but I'm really excited about having a starting point.
From here on out I'll be including the revelations as my path unfolds before me. God is so cool. Seriously.
How is it possible to be this old and still have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?
People ask me all the time "So what are you going to do with that degree?" I look at them like I'm waiting for them to tell me. I'm actually waiting for someone to tell me. I would have never imagined that I would go to school for this long come to the point of doing my dissertation and still not know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. And really I don't think you're supposed to tell people you don't know what you're going to do, like they might revoke you doctorate or something. And did you know that there are assholes everywhere? I spent most of my adult life believing that people with education were all nice. Yes, I led a very sheltered life growing up. Children were not part of adult conversations, girls did not speak at the table (I was raised by my grandparents, lol, I'm not that old) and my grandfolks slept in separate beds across the room from each other. When I first got married I was asked if I had consummated my marriage. I had no idea what she meant by that, quite possibly a food we ate or something? I really didn't know.
Needless to say I learned as I got older and became more educated that there are assholes everywhere in every walk of life. I just didn't think they would confer them with degrees but I guess so.
So lacking direction in my life I decided to take some serious advice and start reading a chapter in Proverbs a day, take notes and glean the principles of wisdom. I just began the journey and I must say that I really like it. There are two principles that we are supposed to seek, wisdom and peace. I have to say that I'm very excited to seek out the wisdom of proverbs, and strangely in doing this I feel an amazing presence of peace. Solomon wrote Proverbs, he was the wisest and the richest man on earth. God had created Solomon with these attributes, he referred to Solomon as a man of peace and he said that he loved Solomon. Solomon was the son of King David from his adulterous affair with Bathsheba. Their first son died as punishment for King David murdering Bathsheba's husband. However, God is a God of restoration and multiplicity, so when he restored the son that David lost he made him seven times better than the one that was lost. Remember that when you have lost something.
This is where my journey begins and I believe it's an excellent place to begin. Of course I'm filling out applications and working on my dissertation while I work and referee my children but I'm really excited about having a starting point.
From here on out I'll be including the revelations as my path unfolds before me. God is so cool. Seriously.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
September 4, 2013;
Well sometimes I wonder if I say everything that goes on my life if someone would find me and commit me.........forever. Probably. Well on the bright side I began my dissertation process and I think I'd rather be throwing up. I'm not even sure what made me think I could do it, breathe......breathe......
Sometimes when you help your kids it's so exhausting you wish they would finally get happy and get out. I finally realize that they are going to have their ups and downs and be all over the place but that's okay God has complete control, he has a plan for them as well as for me. I'm finding that prayer changes everything and those things that seem so big like they're going to swallow everything he turns into nothing. Even when the girls are mad and things get so intense God just moves his hand and changes the course of it all.
Today I'm calm, last week I had to call the police on one of my daughters to have her removed from my house. She was so offended, but she wasn't going to go home if I didn't. I believe after that she went back on her meds and is improved, she won't talk to me still so I'm not exactly sure but all indications show she is doing well.
I believe God is showing me how to stay calm and quiet through the storms and how when the girls become so angry, they are really those dust tornados I grew up watching in the desert. One minute they're blowing so hard they look like a cyclone and then Poof! they're gone like they were never there. That's how the girls argue. As long as I don't interfere one bit, it just goes Poof! I finally had to tell them I was tired of all the negative conversation and back biting. You would have thought they were each other's worst enemy. It took several weeks and then finally things began to quiet down. We'll see how long it lasts.
Well sometimes I wonder if I say everything that goes on my life if someone would find me and commit me.........forever. Probably. Well on the bright side I began my dissertation process and I think I'd rather be throwing up. I'm not even sure what made me think I could do it, breathe......breathe......
Sometimes when you help your kids it's so exhausting you wish they would finally get happy and get out. I finally realize that they are going to have their ups and downs and be all over the place but that's okay God has complete control, he has a plan for them as well as for me. I'm finding that prayer changes everything and those things that seem so big like they're going to swallow everything he turns into nothing. Even when the girls are mad and things get so intense God just moves his hand and changes the course of it all.
Today I'm calm, last week I had to call the police on one of my daughters to have her removed from my house. She was so offended, but she wasn't going to go home if I didn't. I believe after that she went back on her meds and is improved, she won't talk to me still so I'm not exactly sure but all indications show she is doing well.
I believe God is showing me how to stay calm and quiet through the storms and how when the girls become so angry, they are really those dust tornados I grew up watching in the desert. One minute they're blowing so hard they look like a cyclone and then Poof! they're gone like they were never there. That's how the girls argue. As long as I don't interfere one bit, it just goes Poof! I finally had to tell them I was tired of all the negative conversation and back biting. You would have thought they were each other's worst enemy. It took several weeks and then finally things began to quiet down. We'll see how long it lasts.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
August 28, 2013;
Well, it's been hell. Yesterday it began with my daughter and my boss having mini strokes at work and now today. My youngest daughter has two children with two different fathers who are lets say low on the IQ and high on the alcohol and recreational drug list. Since her issue with the law, they decided to put her through the ringer until the court situation is over. That's another month away. So she is to have supervised visitation in her home but the fathers chose her schizophrenic sister to supervise the visitation....nice. She's manic not taking her meds living with a creep of unknown......anything. So she dropped the kids and left. Nice. So needless to say the lawyer was called and both my oldest and I will be in court to testify to the middle daughter's schizophrenia and her manic state. Lovely.
Schizophrenics are interesting when they're manic they put off an aura about them.. very aggressive, ready to fight, angry. I'd say at this rate she hasn't been taking her meds for about a month, that would put her here. She's stealing from the family.
Well she came back but not before one of the father's was called and told about it, unfortunately it was the one with fewer brain cells so he always throws tantrums, screams, drinks too much, thinks he's a real man and can't complete a sentence. Oh well. Choose carefully who you give access to your ovaries..........seriously.
My life was once very quiet, there was no drama, but when you deal with fathers and visitations that involve exes that are all young and their emotional it's a mess. It's unfortunate none of them are mature enough to handle their relationships without court orders and law enforcement. It's like saying: Hello I didn't grow up I didn't get my way I'm mad at you for our breakup and I'm going to split the child in half and we're gonna fight over her/him for the rest of our lives.
The joke is on them though, the kids grow up. Then they don't have a reason to continue communication and keep that contact and then what will they do for entertainment they won't be able to use the child to get to the other person anymore Oh My God!!!! And what????? you want to go live with your mother/father? I can't force you to do what I want???? And what??? you found out I lied the whole time about her/him and ohoh I wasn't able to hide the fact that I'm an asshole???? So you figured out why they left???? Whhhooooooops, my bad.
As adults you can tell the kids anything you want. But buyer beware, they will figure out the truth. They're like little sleuths, they'll search and search, look at pictures you've hidden away, they'll find the divorce papers, court orders, restraining orders and .......oh yea I forgot to tell you the school taught them how to read LOL. So they read and they read. And then they wait until they are adults and they say things like mom, dad lied to us he said blah, blah, blah, about you and we found the divorce papers that's not what happened.
One of the most beautiful days was when after my husband cleaned me out he, well actually his lovely new wifie....yea, took my wedding dress and hung it on the tree in their front yard for the yard sale in front of my daughters. Isnt that nice. She really worked hard on promoting that relationship you know fostering that stepmother/daughter bond. It didn't work out they both ended up hating her and if that wasn't bad enough her sons hated her too. WOW.
Anyway that is where all of the fighting over visitation and kids gets you. You have to ask yourself why do you fight over the child. I believe the child is leverage used by the parent to hurt the other parent for all of the pain you felt inside from the breakup.
In the end it backfires. You finally go your way your ex finally goes his way and the child is the one left with the all baggage and anger from the divorce. And on to his or her first relationship......divorce?
Well, it's been hell. Yesterday it began with my daughter and my boss having mini strokes at work and now today. My youngest daughter has two children with two different fathers who are lets say low on the IQ and high on the alcohol and recreational drug list. Since her issue with the law, they decided to put her through the ringer until the court situation is over. That's another month away. So she is to have supervised visitation in her home but the fathers chose her schizophrenic sister to supervise the visitation....nice. She's manic not taking her meds living with a creep of unknown......anything. So she dropped the kids and left. Nice. So needless to say the lawyer was called and both my oldest and I will be in court to testify to the middle daughter's schizophrenia and her manic state. Lovely.
Schizophrenics are interesting when they're manic they put off an aura about them.. very aggressive, ready to fight, angry. I'd say at this rate she hasn't been taking her meds for about a month, that would put her here. She's stealing from the family.
Well she came back but not before one of the father's was called and told about it, unfortunately it was the one with fewer brain cells so he always throws tantrums, screams, drinks too much, thinks he's a real man and can't complete a sentence. Oh well. Choose carefully who you give access to your ovaries..........seriously.
My life was once very quiet, there was no drama, but when you deal with fathers and visitations that involve exes that are all young and their emotional it's a mess. It's unfortunate none of them are mature enough to handle their relationships without court orders and law enforcement. It's like saying: Hello I didn't grow up I didn't get my way I'm mad at you for our breakup and I'm going to split the child in half and we're gonna fight over her/him for the rest of our lives.
The joke is on them though, the kids grow up. Then they don't have a reason to continue communication and keep that contact and then what will they do for entertainment they won't be able to use the child to get to the other person anymore Oh My God!!!! And what????? you want to go live with your mother/father? I can't force you to do what I want???? And what??? you found out I lied the whole time about her/him and ohoh I wasn't able to hide the fact that I'm an asshole???? So you figured out why they left???? Whhhooooooops, my bad.
As adults you can tell the kids anything you want. But buyer beware, they will figure out the truth. They're like little sleuths, they'll search and search, look at pictures you've hidden away, they'll find the divorce papers, court orders, restraining orders and .......oh yea I forgot to tell you the school taught them how to read LOL. So they read and they read. And then they wait until they are adults and they say things like mom, dad lied to us he said blah, blah, blah, about you and we found the divorce papers that's not what happened.
One of the most beautiful days was when after my husband cleaned me out he, well actually his lovely new wifie....yea, took my wedding dress and hung it on the tree in their front yard for the yard sale in front of my daughters. Isnt that nice. She really worked hard on promoting that relationship you know fostering that stepmother/daughter bond. It didn't work out they both ended up hating her and if that wasn't bad enough her sons hated her too. WOW.
Anyway that is where all of the fighting over visitation and kids gets you. You have to ask yourself why do you fight over the child. I believe the child is leverage used by the parent to hurt the other parent for all of the pain you felt inside from the breakup.
In the end it backfires. You finally go your way your ex finally goes his way and the child is the one left with the all baggage and anger from the divorce. And on to his or her first relationship......divorce?
Monday, August 26, 2013
August 26, 2013;
Now the outpouring of my disappearance. My youngest, she had her first at 15. The father and his mother tried to get her to abort it, I prayed she kept the baby but the boyfriend dumped her and when the child was born he called the hospital screaming it wasn't his. A few years later she met another young man and became pregnant they stayed together a few years, he was controlling and selfish and she wanted out. Unfortunately, she got out by means of another young man. When I met this young man I told her to get away from him he would do more damage to her life than she would ever know. I said don't get pregnant by him, you'll never get rid of him he's bad.
She got pregnant and the relationship went bad very quickly. (I'm giving the condensed version) They finally split after he started hitting her and taking off for days at a time. She came home but she wouldn't stay and they ended up talking. One of her cousins died and she went to the funeral and who shows up. Him. She called me later to check in and I told her she needed to come home she needed to get away from him. 5:30 a.m. the next morning my daughter called me from the jail. She had gone with him, and he and his friend met another ex friend of theirs and they proceeded to get into a fight. She left quickly, but the father of her child didn't leave until he had done serious damage to the other person. Something apparently he had done before to other people.
After that day many days followed like the movie Lemony Snicketts series of unfortunate events. She had called a friend to bail her out he came to me telling me what he was doing, but nothing is without a price. And he tried to collect and she wouldn't comply with him. I explained to her that she owed it to him to do the work he wanted done, not knowing the pressure he was putting on her and not knowing how mentally not right he was. She had finally had enough of him and refused to do anymore work and started disappearing again. The next day he called child protective services on her and revoked her bail because he just didn't feel right about her anymore. But everyone including the police, the court, the lawyers, and CPS knew that he had a problem.
When he revoked her bail she went to jail. We couldn't post the bail until they booked her in and shipped her out. We did. She came home. There have been a series of court dates, come to find out those 3 boys had been fighting each other for a while, the victim admitted in the courtroom that they had been fighting for months. He knew they were going to fight.
The person that originally bailed her out came back to her trying to make nice again, but she wouldn't have any part of it. There are only two court dates left and things are looking very good. Lots of prayer God is amazingly wonderful he has provided all the way through.
I almost died several times, but she's home for a while stabilizing and enjoying her home.
There's more to the story but as with all things it's a little at a time. LOL and that was a little.
Now the outpouring of my disappearance. My youngest, she had her first at 15. The father and his mother tried to get her to abort it, I prayed she kept the baby but the boyfriend dumped her and when the child was born he called the hospital screaming it wasn't his. A few years later she met another young man and became pregnant they stayed together a few years, he was controlling and selfish and she wanted out. Unfortunately, she got out by means of another young man. When I met this young man I told her to get away from him he would do more damage to her life than she would ever know. I said don't get pregnant by him, you'll never get rid of him he's bad.
She got pregnant and the relationship went bad very quickly. (I'm giving the condensed version) They finally split after he started hitting her and taking off for days at a time. She came home but she wouldn't stay and they ended up talking. One of her cousins died and she went to the funeral and who shows up. Him. She called me later to check in and I told her she needed to come home she needed to get away from him. 5:30 a.m. the next morning my daughter called me from the jail. She had gone with him, and he and his friend met another ex friend of theirs and they proceeded to get into a fight. She left quickly, but the father of her child didn't leave until he had done serious damage to the other person. Something apparently he had done before to other people.
After that day many days followed like the movie Lemony Snicketts series of unfortunate events. She had called a friend to bail her out he came to me telling me what he was doing, but nothing is without a price. And he tried to collect and she wouldn't comply with him. I explained to her that she owed it to him to do the work he wanted done, not knowing the pressure he was putting on her and not knowing how mentally not right he was. She had finally had enough of him and refused to do anymore work and started disappearing again. The next day he called child protective services on her and revoked her bail because he just didn't feel right about her anymore. But everyone including the police, the court, the lawyers, and CPS knew that he had a problem.
When he revoked her bail she went to jail. We couldn't post the bail until they booked her in and shipped her out. We did. She came home. There have been a series of court dates, come to find out those 3 boys had been fighting each other for a while, the victim admitted in the courtroom that they had been fighting for months. He knew they were going to fight.
The person that originally bailed her out came back to her trying to make nice again, but she wouldn't have any part of it. There are only two court dates left and things are looking very good. Lots of prayer God is amazingly wonderful he has provided all the way through.
I almost died several times, but she's home for a while stabilizing and enjoying her home.
There's more to the story but as with all things it's a little at a time. LOL and that was a little.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
August 25, 2013
Well my middle daughter who appeared more normal than the other two for quite some time is finally beginning to have a few problems. She has been on her meds regularly for about a year and a half now, and doing quite well. Unfortunately, she met a guy, a young guy about six years younger than she is and completely and utterly clueless. One of his "cousins" has a mental health issue and for some reason my daughter thought she could help him out. Well I don't know how much helping out she actually did but for the first time in a year and a half she came up about a week short of her medications.......and so the drama begins.
As I have previously stated she has schizophrenia and it is controlled by medications and quite successfully. She finally got on a formula that works great for her and she has been able to work and maintain which is excellent since drives to the mental health hospital are not the most pleasant.
Anyway, she reported a couple of days ago that she is experiencing auditory and visual hallucinations. The deterioration begins with auditory. Actually the beginning is a disruption of normal sleep patterns and irritability, extreme irritability. Then her face begins to change some what. I knew when she came over something was wrong. I looked in her face and I asked her what's wrong? I could tell just by her face. It's not any expressions that she might make or a mean face or a sad face, but its the face and her eyes. When she deteriorates to this level her face changes. It looks wrong almost as those she's tormented.
The problem is during the weekend when the real problems always occur for some reason, there is no help for her. She ran out of her meds, her appointment for the psychiatrist isn't until Tuesday and she cannot get a refill until then.
Here is where the emergency room at the hospital could really improve in their services. So many places are offering mental health services especially during the weekends and they will provide meds for just the weekend until the individual can get to the psychiatrist. In this community, they take one look and ship the person out to wherever there is a bed in a mental health hospital and if there isn't one the person lays in the emergency room bed without meds of any kind. What's the point?
The problem is many times these types of people do not have the support of their families so they become desperate and often will find themselves in jail over a manic episode. A complete waste of time and resources and all because they cannot get the meds they need to get them to the next appointment with the psychiatrist.
Well the next hospital board meeting I will be advocating for the improvement of services through the emergency room. Until then I will continue researching the subject and as a mother I'll just provide support.
You know all I ever wanted to do was cook and bake and decorate cakes. I wanted my family around me and I just wanted a normal life. God had something else in mind lol.
Well my middle daughter who appeared more normal than the other two for quite some time is finally beginning to have a few problems. She has been on her meds regularly for about a year and a half now, and doing quite well. Unfortunately, she met a guy, a young guy about six years younger than she is and completely and utterly clueless. One of his "cousins" has a mental health issue and for some reason my daughter thought she could help him out. Well I don't know how much helping out she actually did but for the first time in a year and a half she came up about a week short of her medications.......and so the drama begins.
As I have previously stated she has schizophrenia and it is controlled by medications and quite successfully. She finally got on a formula that works great for her and she has been able to work and maintain which is excellent since drives to the mental health hospital are not the most pleasant.
Anyway, she reported a couple of days ago that she is experiencing auditory and visual hallucinations. The deterioration begins with auditory. Actually the beginning is a disruption of normal sleep patterns and irritability, extreme irritability. Then her face begins to change some what. I knew when she came over something was wrong. I looked in her face and I asked her what's wrong? I could tell just by her face. It's not any expressions that she might make or a mean face or a sad face, but its the face and her eyes. When she deteriorates to this level her face changes. It looks wrong almost as those she's tormented.
The problem is during the weekend when the real problems always occur for some reason, there is no help for her. She ran out of her meds, her appointment for the psychiatrist isn't until Tuesday and she cannot get a refill until then.
Here is where the emergency room at the hospital could really improve in their services. So many places are offering mental health services especially during the weekends and they will provide meds for just the weekend until the individual can get to the psychiatrist. In this community, they take one look and ship the person out to wherever there is a bed in a mental health hospital and if there isn't one the person lays in the emergency room bed without meds of any kind. What's the point?
The problem is many times these types of people do not have the support of their families so they become desperate and often will find themselves in jail over a manic episode. A complete waste of time and resources and all because they cannot get the meds they need to get them to the next appointment with the psychiatrist.
Well the next hospital board meeting I will be advocating for the improvement of services through the emergency room. Until then I will continue researching the subject and as a mother I'll just provide support.
You know all I ever wanted to do was cook and bake and decorate cakes. I wanted my family around me and I just wanted a normal life. God had something else in mind lol.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
March 22, 2013;
Dear Diary,
Why is my daughter a schizophrenic?????? Is there any end to the bizarre happenings and bad decisions? She bought a car with her boyfriend and I mean WITH only there's something that's not quite right with this dude and now she has signed a note with him. This ranks right up there with....I can't think of anything that would go up there with that. She has known this guy for less than......oh Ill give her credit, 4 months. This will not end well without a great deal of prayer.
Now my other daughter is at our local park at 11:20 p.m. with a flashlight looking for her daughter's phone that was left there after cheerleading practice. Now that's gonna be interesting I'm waiting to hear that police will be showing up. Life is interesting when there are nothing but women in a family, there are two grandsons, but they seem to play backfield to all of the female drama that takes place. I play backfield too because I'm getting too old for this stuff.
Dear Diary,
Why is my daughter a schizophrenic?????? Is there any end to the bizarre happenings and bad decisions? She bought a car with her boyfriend and I mean WITH only there's something that's not quite right with this dude and now she has signed a note with him. This ranks right up there with....I can't think of anything that would go up there with that. She has known this guy for less than......oh Ill give her credit, 4 months. This will not end well without a great deal of prayer.
Now my other daughter is at our local park at 11:20 p.m. with a flashlight looking for her daughter's phone that was left there after cheerleading practice. Now that's gonna be interesting I'm waiting to hear that police will be showing up. Life is interesting when there are nothing but women in a family, there are two grandsons, but they seem to play backfield to all of the female drama that takes place. I play backfield too because I'm getting too old for this stuff.
March 22, 2013;
We all get one chance at life, just one. What do we want from it. What do we hope to experience for ourselves as we journey down our path. How high are our expectations and should we lower them, will that make us happy or will we always wonder what if we hadn't compromised, what if we had reached that little extra that is always there. What if we didn't allow our hearts to drag us into relationships that are unhealthy just because that person made our heart skip a beat. What if we had the courage to leave it especially if we know that person will never do the right thing by us.
One thing is for sure you will never know unless you try, you'll never know if it gets any better than this unless you give it a shot. It's lonely when you do, horribly lonely, the journey is made for one person many times and it takes trusting God to go it alone for a long time. When I was very young my aunt gave me a t shirt that said you will kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. It's a stupid saying but it fits. Some frogs even look like princes, act like princes and some taste like princes, but unlike the Berenstein Bears, they're not princes.
Everybody has their opinion of what I should be doing, how I should be doing it, who I should be talking to and by the way why are you alone? I can't answer that question I don't really know the answer. I know I met what I believed to be a genuine prince but my judgment is off....still.
There are a lot of uncertainties but God gives direction one day at a time and I have to walk that out. One conversation at a time one direction at a time, he won't reveal the whole picture to me. That is so frustrating to me if I had the whole picture I would start to work it, he probably knows that about me so he only gives me the grace for the day. It's hard to walk out my faith this way I always wanted a plan and I wanted God to tell me everything.....He likes to tell me one thing just when it's happening or illumine me after it happened just so I know it was him...I had nothing to do with it.
One thing I know I want to have it all. I don't know how to get it but I know that having it all means to surrender everything to Him allowing him to do what he wants. That is the most exciting adventure.
Meanwhile, my kids are crazy but they're getting better. There are still those few people that want to do harm but God will deal with them. We can't be bothered with things that are meant to take our focus off the important issues.
We all get one chance at life, just one. What do we want from it. What do we hope to experience for ourselves as we journey down our path. How high are our expectations and should we lower them, will that make us happy or will we always wonder what if we hadn't compromised, what if we had reached that little extra that is always there. What if we didn't allow our hearts to drag us into relationships that are unhealthy just because that person made our heart skip a beat. What if we had the courage to leave it especially if we know that person will never do the right thing by us.
One thing is for sure you will never know unless you try, you'll never know if it gets any better than this unless you give it a shot. It's lonely when you do, horribly lonely, the journey is made for one person many times and it takes trusting God to go it alone for a long time. When I was very young my aunt gave me a t shirt that said you will kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. It's a stupid saying but it fits. Some frogs even look like princes, act like princes and some taste like princes, but unlike the Berenstein Bears, they're not princes.
Everybody has their opinion of what I should be doing, how I should be doing it, who I should be talking to and by the way why are you alone? I can't answer that question I don't really know the answer. I know I met what I believed to be a genuine prince but my judgment is off....still.
There are a lot of uncertainties but God gives direction one day at a time and I have to walk that out. One conversation at a time one direction at a time, he won't reveal the whole picture to me. That is so frustrating to me if I had the whole picture I would start to work it, he probably knows that about me so he only gives me the grace for the day. It's hard to walk out my faith this way I always wanted a plan and I wanted God to tell me everything.....He likes to tell me one thing just when it's happening or illumine me after it happened just so I know it was him...I had nothing to do with it.
One thing I know I want to have it all. I don't know how to get it but I know that having it all means to surrender everything to Him allowing him to do what he wants. That is the most exciting adventure.
Meanwhile, my kids are crazy but they're getting better. There are still those few people that want to do harm but God will deal with them. We can't be bothered with things that are meant to take our focus off the important issues.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
August 20, 2013,
Summer was difficult I can't even begin to explain how many things went wrong and then how many miracles God performed. I'm still calming down from life with my family just suffice it to say that the choices we make, the people we associate ourselves with it all makes a difference in how we make our decisions. Some people have the appearance of being friends but they're really not, some people tell you things they want you to believe, but you can't and at the of the day you are left with the debris, kind of like the tornados in Oklahoma.
And yet I finished my last two classes for the doctorate and now it's just the dissertation. I say just the dissertation lol, yea whatever.
So the ultimate question would be what do I want to be when I grow up? I have no idea. I think I'm one of those people that gets the degree and turns around and cooks or bakes for a living. You know those pictures that will come up on facebook and it will show you a long winding road and the caption will read "sometimes this is all you need" well thank God it doesn't show a fork in the road because then what? You know when I started this journey I didn't have a bachelors and I thought "Oh I have plenty of time". Then I started a masters and I thought hmmm "well I'll figure it out as I go". Then the opportunity came for the doctorate and I thought "well certainly by the time I'm through with this I'll definitely know what I'm going to do with my life by then people who get their doctorates are really smart" I can't even type that with a straight face!!!
I don't know about other people but I'm pretty easy I can be happy anywhere I'll make it work. First I thought I'll work with kids I can do that no big deal I like them. Then I thought I could do probation that would work it's like babysitting adults but it'd be fine. Then I considered working for child protective services and I thought that would be fine I could do that. And if I would have been hired I would have stayed doing those things it wouldn't have been too exciting but I would have stayed and exceled at it, again no big deal. But I didn't get a job doing those things. So now what? I prayed Lord close the doors you don't want open (I think he sealed them shut permanently). So then I asked Lord what do you want me to do????? DEAD SILENCE I said Lord all you have to do is tell me I'll do it, just open the right door, I'll walk through it and do whatever you want, (it sounded like the wind doing through a ghost town).
The best advice that was ever given to me was "do the obvious, if you don't know what to do, do the obvious". Okay, so I'll pray, I'll start writing again, I think I finally can again, and hmmmm my lawn needs mowing and the garden needs cleaning, oh and the bathroom needs the paint and I should be in the Word again. Then I'll wait. This is me after completing my last two classes of school, I think I'm a little ADD, ya think?
Summer was difficult I can't even begin to explain how many things went wrong and then how many miracles God performed. I'm still calming down from life with my family just suffice it to say that the choices we make, the people we associate ourselves with it all makes a difference in how we make our decisions. Some people have the appearance of being friends but they're really not, some people tell you things they want you to believe, but you can't and at the of the day you are left with the debris, kind of like the tornados in Oklahoma.
And yet I finished my last two classes for the doctorate and now it's just the dissertation. I say just the dissertation lol, yea whatever.
So the ultimate question would be what do I want to be when I grow up? I have no idea. I think I'm one of those people that gets the degree and turns around and cooks or bakes for a living. You know those pictures that will come up on facebook and it will show you a long winding road and the caption will read "sometimes this is all you need" well thank God it doesn't show a fork in the road because then what? You know when I started this journey I didn't have a bachelors and I thought "Oh I have plenty of time". Then I started a masters and I thought hmmm "well I'll figure it out as I go". Then the opportunity came for the doctorate and I thought "well certainly by the time I'm through with this I'll definitely know what I'm going to do with my life by then people who get their doctorates are really smart" I can't even type that with a straight face!!!
I don't know about other people but I'm pretty easy I can be happy anywhere I'll make it work. First I thought I'll work with kids I can do that no big deal I like them. Then I thought I could do probation that would work it's like babysitting adults but it'd be fine. Then I considered working for child protective services and I thought that would be fine I could do that. And if I would have been hired I would have stayed doing those things it wouldn't have been too exciting but I would have stayed and exceled at it, again no big deal. But I didn't get a job doing those things. So now what? I prayed Lord close the doors you don't want open (I think he sealed them shut permanently). So then I asked Lord what do you want me to do????? DEAD SILENCE I said Lord all you have to do is tell me I'll do it, just open the right door, I'll walk through it and do whatever you want, (it sounded like the wind doing through a ghost town).
The best advice that was ever given to me was "do the obvious, if you don't know what to do, do the obvious". Okay, so I'll pray, I'll start writing again, I think I finally can again, and hmmmm my lawn needs mowing and the garden needs cleaning, oh and the bathroom needs the paint and I should be in the Word again. Then I'll wait. This is me after completing my last two classes of school, I think I'm a little ADD, ya think?
Sunday, August 11, 2013
August 11, 2013;
I've been through hell and haven't had the strength to post or write anything, however, the end is near and all has ended very well. I'm finishing my last two classes for my doctorate, that's been difficult through the mess but I'm finishing. I lost my focus for a while, spent a lot of time in prayer, just being there for my children and grandchildren. Sometimes trying to maintain normal through a storm is difficult but children need their routine and good times, they don't need to feel the impact of hard things so I've spent a lot of time with them playing and cooking and just plain being there. It's almost over I'm just feeling the ripple affect. I'm keeping my family close and keeping outsiders out. I don't even care what others are doing, my only concern is for my family.
My focus is returning, but it'll be a little bit. Until then school stops for no one and my dissertation is knocking on my door. Good thing there isn't a man in my life he would be very lonely right now. Oh well.
I've been through hell and haven't had the strength to post or write anything, however, the end is near and all has ended very well. I'm finishing my last two classes for my doctorate, that's been difficult through the mess but I'm finishing. I lost my focus for a while, spent a lot of time in prayer, just being there for my children and grandchildren. Sometimes trying to maintain normal through a storm is difficult but children need their routine and good times, they don't need to feel the impact of hard things so I've spent a lot of time with them playing and cooking and just plain being there. It's almost over I'm just feeling the ripple affect. I'm keeping my family close and keeping outsiders out. I don't even care what others are doing, my only concern is for my family.
My focus is returning, but it'll be a little bit. Until then school stops for no one and my dissertation is knocking on my door. Good thing there isn't a man in my life he would be very lonely right now. Oh well.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
June 11, 2013;
Just when you think you have everything under control , you don't. Thank God, he does. I recently spent five days in Phoenix on a residency. I enjoyed it until the guest Plenary speaker (it's supposed to be the highlight of the five days, I wouldn't listen again for five minutes). I understand that the Christian faith has come under fire from the government and various left wing groups. They don't want it in the schools, in public, on display anywhere, they are so offended. Of course they don't ask us if we are offended at their public displays, or presence. If Christians say anything then we are intolerate of other groups, if they don't like Christians, they get to suppress any manifestation of the faith everywhere, but that's not intolerance. I personally think it's more of a hate crime targeting a group, but that's just my opinion.
Anyway the plenary speaker began to mock the bible. He actually turned several stories in it around to suit his speech and in so doing showed his ignorance as well as his own intolerance. Apparently, he was not concerned with offending any group within the audience of over 1000 people. More than likely, if he would have started bashing gays it would have been a public outrage and he would have been made to stop, but not in this case. Everyone sat quietly and listened to him speak,......except me, of course. I very verbally packed up my books, my phone and my purse explained in a voice that was quite audible to those around me that the speaker was apparently extremely ignorant and therefore, I didn't have time to listen to him. I asked my friend next to me "do you hear him, he's publicly mocking the Bible, seriously I'm not going to listen to this idiot that doesn't have a clue what he is talking about". Sad part was I paid for the residency and in turn paid for his presence...I want my money back.
I'd heard of this type of garbage taking place in universities and classrooms, but I didn't think people would just sit there and not move. If the Christians in that room would have gotten out of their seats more than half the audience would have left and that's exactly what shouldve happened.
In my life that was a mere spec of entertainment, there has been so much drama inflicted on my peaceful life that I finally put my foot down and said enough. I have been forced to deal with people and read conversations that are so trashy, so low, I really didn't think people actually lived and talked that way but apparently I was so blatently wrong, there was no way I could ever be right. It's interesting, they masked their true selves, they take showers, put clean clothes on and wear loads of perfume and cologne. Then they try to say as little as possible because if they start talking, WOW, the perverse, hateful, disgusting speech that flows from their mouths is vile. You really don't know people until you get an inside glimpse of them without their knowing.
I've decided to remove myself from this population. I feel sorry for children who have to live in the environment, the adults think they're fooling people, that noone knows the things they do in secret. God vindicates and when those children have Christian relatives who continually pray for them, the end of those people is never good, I've seen it too many times. Until then.......just sit back and watch.
Just when you think you have everything under control , you don't. Thank God, he does. I recently spent five days in Phoenix on a residency. I enjoyed it until the guest Plenary speaker (it's supposed to be the highlight of the five days, I wouldn't listen again for five minutes). I understand that the Christian faith has come under fire from the government and various left wing groups. They don't want it in the schools, in public, on display anywhere, they are so offended. Of course they don't ask us if we are offended at their public displays, or presence. If Christians say anything then we are intolerate of other groups, if they don't like Christians, they get to suppress any manifestation of the faith everywhere, but that's not intolerance. I personally think it's more of a hate crime targeting a group, but that's just my opinion.
Anyway the plenary speaker began to mock the bible. He actually turned several stories in it around to suit his speech and in so doing showed his ignorance as well as his own intolerance. Apparently, he was not concerned with offending any group within the audience of over 1000 people. More than likely, if he would have started bashing gays it would have been a public outrage and he would have been made to stop, but not in this case. Everyone sat quietly and listened to him speak,......except me, of course. I very verbally packed up my books, my phone and my purse explained in a voice that was quite audible to those around me that the speaker was apparently extremely ignorant and therefore, I didn't have time to listen to him. I asked my friend next to me "do you hear him, he's publicly mocking the Bible, seriously I'm not going to listen to this idiot that doesn't have a clue what he is talking about". Sad part was I paid for the residency and in turn paid for his presence...I want my money back.
I'd heard of this type of garbage taking place in universities and classrooms, but I didn't think people would just sit there and not move. If the Christians in that room would have gotten out of their seats more than half the audience would have left and that's exactly what shouldve happened.
In my life that was a mere spec of entertainment, there has been so much drama inflicted on my peaceful life that I finally put my foot down and said enough. I have been forced to deal with people and read conversations that are so trashy, so low, I really didn't think people actually lived and talked that way but apparently I was so blatently wrong, there was no way I could ever be right. It's interesting, they masked their true selves, they take showers, put clean clothes on and wear loads of perfume and cologne. Then they try to say as little as possible because if they start talking, WOW, the perverse, hateful, disgusting speech that flows from their mouths is vile. You really don't know people until you get an inside glimpse of them without their knowing.
I've decided to remove myself from this population. I feel sorry for children who have to live in the environment, the adults think they're fooling people, that noone knows the things they do in secret. God vindicates and when those children have Christian relatives who continually pray for them, the end of those people is never good, I've seen it too many times. Until then.......just sit back and watch.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
June 4, 2013
I went to my residency and spent five days, met some new friends and gained some invaluable information. It's a wonderful thing when you get to be around people who think the way you do, they're passionate about the same things you are. It brings you back to life and makes you feel like you are no longer alone there are people out there like you. There is a place where you fit.
I saw my brother for the first time in about 15 years. We haven't spoken, we didn't really have much in common and it just seemed like the thing to do. With the invention of the cell phone I went under the radar from him and my uncle and during that time I believe I lived maybe 3 different lives or phases in my life. Until the invention of facebook where he popped up and lo and behold he wanted to friend me. Facebook is a funny thing, but it gave him glipses into my life, pictures of the kids grown up, my grandkids growing up and ........what? She's in a doctorate program?/? Yea I'm wierd. I believe as long as God allows I will go as hard as God allows and do and experience everything he has for me...as long as God allows.
All of this to say, me and my brother sat at a breakfast table alone and ate and visited. I believe he knows about the goings on of my youngest, who is in the middle of a situation she had no business getting in the middle of, amazing how that happens. And I believe he thought we would talk about it. I chose not to, why spoil my day. So we talked about other things and finally, he confessed he was miserable, hated getting up every morning and going to work. He actually finds himself having to talk himself into doing it everyday, then he gets there, he works and about midnight goes home, goes to bed, gets up and starts his nightmare all over again. Honestly, it sounds like Groundhog Day.
Then I started talking about my schooling, my life, my job and how I can't wait to finish so I can get to work, maybe do a lot of traveling, but work really hard, I apparently like work. I have challenges with my adult children who always seem to need my help for something and having a daughter who fights schizophrenia is difficult, however, the past year has been easier. Although, apparently her car was towed away yesterday and since she never got it in her name she apparently can't retrieve it. Thats another story. Anyway with all of that I'm very excited to get to work, I love my life, although my home is definitely not picture perfect like theirs, but I enjoy working on it when I can. But I look forward to things opening up and a whole new chapter unfolding.
So whats the big difference between us??? Why are our outlooks so incredibly different? He just wants to retire, go home and putter (yuk). He doesn't want to do anything, just putter, I bet you think he's about 68 or 70 don't you. Well nope he's 57, yes I said 57. Me? I want to hit the ground running and stop when the Lord takes me, dead in my tracks. How old am I?? 54. So the difference?
Well, we're both Christians, but I believe we're supposed to be fruitful, fat and flourishing in our old age. You know Moses didn't get started til he was 80, Joshua didn't take over and go fight in the promise land until he was 80. I could go on about Abraham, and many others, but apparently age is not an issue with God. And since they started when they were 80 I think 54 is quite young. I figure I have another full chapter or life that could go to my hundreds. I don't want to sit and wait to die, I don't want to rock in a chair. I'm just getting ready to get started working on something and I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit home and wait for the grim reaper! I feel God calling me to something and I'm gonna go, I don't know where or when or how much but I'm gonna go.
I've had several lifetimes, chapters, books, whatever you want to call them. Ive done everything wrong at one time or another, I've tried depending on my own wisdom, but what I find is simply that God has more. And...he has plans for me and they're good plans, plans with an expected end. Plans to prosper me. I mean come on, who could do better than that, seriously. Who out there is gonna offer a better plan than God for me. Noone. I don't want to live the rest of my life dreading getting up for work in the morning, wanting to go home and just putter, really? God's got more.
I went to my residency and spent five days, met some new friends and gained some invaluable information. It's a wonderful thing when you get to be around people who think the way you do, they're passionate about the same things you are. It brings you back to life and makes you feel like you are no longer alone there are people out there like you. There is a place where you fit.
I saw my brother for the first time in about 15 years. We haven't spoken, we didn't really have much in common and it just seemed like the thing to do. With the invention of the cell phone I went under the radar from him and my uncle and during that time I believe I lived maybe 3 different lives or phases in my life. Until the invention of facebook where he popped up and lo and behold he wanted to friend me. Facebook is a funny thing, but it gave him glipses into my life, pictures of the kids grown up, my grandkids growing up and ........what? She's in a doctorate program?/? Yea I'm wierd. I believe as long as God allows I will go as hard as God allows and do and experience everything he has for me...as long as God allows.
All of this to say, me and my brother sat at a breakfast table alone and ate and visited. I believe he knows about the goings on of my youngest, who is in the middle of a situation she had no business getting in the middle of, amazing how that happens. And I believe he thought we would talk about it. I chose not to, why spoil my day. So we talked about other things and finally, he confessed he was miserable, hated getting up every morning and going to work. He actually finds himself having to talk himself into doing it everyday, then he gets there, he works and about midnight goes home, goes to bed, gets up and starts his nightmare all over again. Honestly, it sounds like Groundhog Day.
Then I started talking about my schooling, my life, my job and how I can't wait to finish so I can get to work, maybe do a lot of traveling, but work really hard, I apparently like work. I have challenges with my adult children who always seem to need my help for something and having a daughter who fights schizophrenia is difficult, however, the past year has been easier. Although, apparently her car was towed away yesterday and since she never got it in her name she apparently can't retrieve it. Thats another story. Anyway with all of that I'm very excited to get to work, I love my life, although my home is definitely not picture perfect like theirs, but I enjoy working on it when I can. But I look forward to things opening up and a whole new chapter unfolding.
So whats the big difference between us??? Why are our outlooks so incredibly different? He just wants to retire, go home and putter (yuk). He doesn't want to do anything, just putter, I bet you think he's about 68 or 70 don't you. Well nope he's 57, yes I said 57. Me? I want to hit the ground running and stop when the Lord takes me, dead in my tracks. How old am I?? 54. So the difference?
Well, we're both Christians, but I believe we're supposed to be fruitful, fat and flourishing in our old age. You know Moses didn't get started til he was 80, Joshua didn't take over and go fight in the promise land until he was 80. I could go on about Abraham, and many others, but apparently age is not an issue with God. And since they started when they were 80 I think 54 is quite young. I figure I have another full chapter or life that could go to my hundreds. I don't want to sit and wait to die, I don't want to rock in a chair. I'm just getting ready to get started working on something and I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit home and wait for the grim reaper! I feel God calling me to something and I'm gonna go, I don't know where or when or how much but I'm gonna go.
I've had several lifetimes, chapters, books, whatever you want to call them. Ive done everything wrong at one time or another, I've tried depending on my own wisdom, but what I find is simply that God has more. And...he has plans for me and they're good plans, plans with an expected end. Plans to prosper me. I mean come on, who could do better than that, seriously. Who out there is gonna offer a better plan than God for me. Noone. I don't want to live the rest of my life dreading getting up for work in the morning, wanting to go home and just putter, really? God's got more.
Monday, May 27, 2013
May 27, 2013;
Memorial Day and I'm going to work, my family is home, I'm getting ready to leave for a residency for a few days and can't wait to leave. I finished my two classes and only have a few more to go then I begin my dissertation work. I'm really not sure that I'm up to the challenge, but I'll never know unless I go for it.
Funny thing when you begin to peel off the layers and get rid of negative hurtful baggage in your life, you start to think clearly, strangely clear. When you finally rid yourself of people around you that want to use you, those that hide behind the "I love yous" that aren't really love, they're just words used to manipulate you into doing whatever it is they want you to do or be for them at whatever moment they "need" you. It's usually that they want some form of validation from you about who they need to hear they are or they just want something in particular from you.
Once those negative draining influences are gone from your life, things get quiet, it's like a clean slate. That's when you find out how much time and energy they stole from you, energy that could have been used to your benefit but was stolen and wasted. That's what the devil does you know, he steals from you, your heart (emotions), your mind (sanity and peace), your resources (energy, creativity, intelligence, etc.) and reduces you to a blithering puddle of tears and confusion. What a way to render you powerless and ineffective, definitely not what God has intended for our lives.
After the dust has cleared and your mind begins to quiet down, clarity comes in, you can actually hear God speak to your mind and your heart. That's when your focus kicks in again, your God given direction. Now, let me tell you, those negative people who were whispering in your ear, "you need to do this..... well, you messed up here....... if you would have listened and done what I said you would be here....... let me tell you what's wrong with you.........you don't listen do you, you keep missing opportunities......". And the best one of all "okay I gave you the "OllieOop" lol, whatever. God is so much bigger. He never talks down to you, he directs your paths and as long as your heart is willing he will lead you to your destiny, just look at Joseph. I'm more than sure if he would have had his way he would have never chosen to go into that pit, or jail.
What's the lesson here, don't listen to people who tell you that you missed it. God never misses it, you can trust him and believe me your so called "friends" miss it all the time. Look hard at the lives of those telling you how wrong you are, usually people who talk that way have lives that are pathetic, they're just trying to hide from onlookers. It's all fake, for popularity's sake, and seriously we got out of highschool a long time ago.
God has joy unspeakable for you, for all of us. We are supposed to be filled with joy and power, so take stock of those influences in your life that are pulling you down, if you are not married to it, get away, if you are, I'm sorry, the choice is definitely yours.
Memorial Day and I'm going to work, my family is home, I'm getting ready to leave for a residency for a few days and can't wait to leave. I finished my two classes and only have a few more to go then I begin my dissertation work. I'm really not sure that I'm up to the challenge, but I'll never know unless I go for it.
Funny thing when you begin to peel off the layers and get rid of negative hurtful baggage in your life, you start to think clearly, strangely clear. When you finally rid yourself of people around you that want to use you, those that hide behind the "I love yous" that aren't really love, they're just words used to manipulate you into doing whatever it is they want you to do or be for them at whatever moment they "need" you. It's usually that they want some form of validation from you about who they need to hear they are or they just want something in particular from you.
Once those negative draining influences are gone from your life, things get quiet, it's like a clean slate. That's when you find out how much time and energy they stole from you, energy that could have been used to your benefit but was stolen and wasted. That's what the devil does you know, he steals from you, your heart (emotions), your mind (sanity and peace), your resources (energy, creativity, intelligence, etc.) and reduces you to a blithering puddle of tears and confusion. What a way to render you powerless and ineffective, definitely not what God has intended for our lives.
After the dust has cleared and your mind begins to quiet down, clarity comes in, you can actually hear God speak to your mind and your heart. That's when your focus kicks in again, your God given direction. Now, let me tell you, those negative people who were whispering in your ear, "you need to do this..... well, you messed up here....... if you would have listened and done what I said you would be here....... let me tell you what's wrong with you.........you don't listen do you, you keep missing opportunities......". And the best one of all "okay I gave you the "OllieOop" lol, whatever. God is so much bigger. He never talks down to you, he directs your paths and as long as your heart is willing he will lead you to your destiny, just look at Joseph. I'm more than sure if he would have had his way he would have never chosen to go into that pit, or jail.
What's the lesson here, don't listen to people who tell you that you missed it. God never misses it, you can trust him and believe me your so called "friends" miss it all the time. Look hard at the lives of those telling you how wrong you are, usually people who talk that way have lives that are pathetic, they're just trying to hide from onlookers. It's all fake, for popularity's sake, and seriously we got out of highschool a long time ago.
God has joy unspeakable for you, for all of us. We are supposed to be filled with joy and power, so take stock of those influences in your life that are pulling you down, if you are not married to it, get away, if you are, I'm sorry, the choice is definitely yours.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
May 21, 2013,
Personality disorders are interesting, almost everyone has a shade of at least one aspect, some have several attributes (if that's what they should be called) and some are just full blown sociopaths. It's very difficult to tell if someone has serious flaws, ones that are detrimental to you, usually until it's too late and they've already succeeded in inflicting damage. You know the kind, when every time you leave their presence you feel worse than you did before you saw them. And somehow, they succeed in making you feel like the only reason you feel bad is because you are at fault, wrong, inadequate, less than. You walk away from them as though you've been through some type of abuse, that takes days and sometimes months to get over. Then when you are not around them, not by any decision of yours but theirs (you're being punished because you're just not quite good enough)you begin to start to feel better. Your depression leaves, your moods stable out and you start to feel like you are okay again. Until......you talk with them again and they magically do it all over again, dump on you, withhold affection or friendship, give you advice you didn't ask for so that you will do what you should have been doing all along and this is why they just can't accept or love you for who you are. You leave again, demolished and wonder what the hell happened, you felt good before you saw them why do you feel like shit now?
It's pretty awful when someone has the ability to dump all of the insecurities, feelings of failure and anger, and hate on you. Just because they can. Then finally one day after you make the decision to break away from them, because they won't let you get away from them if they can hold on to you, you are the villian. After all, who else is going to be their punching bag and their victim. Who else is going to allow them to inflict damage like that. Who in their right mind is going to allow them that sense of superiority they so need to lord over you. And obviously because they feel in their own spirit they are a failure they need to lord whatever morsal they can use (whether true or not) to pierce your spirit and leave you bleeding.
And why do they think they can do this? Because you loved them and you told them you loved them and you have always put up with their lack of respect and their inconsiderations and their self centeredness. And why did you do that? Because you loved them and they knew it.
Are they capable of really loving us? No. Do they care how they leave people? No. When you finally walk away they are the victim and if you say anything about it???? Then you need psychological help and you should get it and follow up because you have problems, you need help.
This is called manipulation. As a matter of fact there probably is a moment in every time you speak with that person that he or she makes an attempt at manipulation, to either get you to do something, or feed their ego or just use you as a way to pass time, or quite possibly as an emotional and mental punching bag. And if they can't get what they want from you...they withhold their love or friendship as punishment.
This is sick behavior, very sick. But what is worse is putting up with it. What's even worse is when the individual who does this is in a position to influence people or preach from a pulpit.
Now at first you are hurt, devastated because you believe everything the person said. You thought they were "real" you thought they were "genuine". They never were. So you leave yourself wide open and you get hurt.
Heres, the thing. You think noone knows how they are, you think they are pulling the wool over everyone's eyes. They think so too. Then you find out they weren't fooling anyone, except you. It's actually like a drug addict. They think noone knows they're doing drugs. They think they're holding it together on the outside and noone has a clue what's really going on, because afterall, they didn't tell them so how would they know all the flaws?
They think if they wear nice clothes, talk the talk and put on a good show in public noone will ever know. You can put dung in a really nice bag and it's still going to stink. It is what it is.
All the right words can come out of your mouth, but what's really inside of you comes out, its all there right in front of you.
People like that never really love, they never really tell the truth, everything is a show for the moment, its a game a way to pass time and get what they want. And beware these kind come in sheeps clothing, they're talked about in the Bible alot.
Listen carefully when they talk, if you start to feel unsure of yourself or like you're just unworthy, it's not you, their conversation is tearing you down, they're not building you up or loving you, their tongue is sharp, their words don't necessarily sound wrong but their spirit is not bearing witness with your spirit, somethings wrong. Walk away.
Personality disorders are interesting, almost everyone has a shade of at least one aspect, some have several attributes (if that's what they should be called) and some are just full blown sociopaths. It's very difficult to tell if someone has serious flaws, ones that are detrimental to you, usually until it's too late and they've already succeeded in inflicting damage. You know the kind, when every time you leave their presence you feel worse than you did before you saw them. And somehow, they succeed in making you feel like the only reason you feel bad is because you are at fault, wrong, inadequate, less than. You walk away from them as though you've been through some type of abuse, that takes days and sometimes months to get over. Then when you are not around them, not by any decision of yours but theirs (you're being punished because you're just not quite good enough)you begin to start to feel better. Your depression leaves, your moods stable out and you start to feel like you are okay again. Until......you talk with them again and they magically do it all over again, dump on you, withhold affection or friendship, give you advice you didn't ask for so that you will do what you should have been doing all along and this is why they just can't accept or love you for who you are. You leave again, demolished and wonder what the hell happened, you felt good before you saw them why do you feel like shit now?
It's pretty awful when someone has the ability to dump all of the insecurities, feelings of failure and anger, and hate on you. Just because they can. Then finally one day after you make the decision to break away from them, because they won't let you get away from them if they can hold on to you, you are the villian. After all, who else is going to be their punching bag and their victim. Who else is going to allow them to inflict damage like that. Who in their right mind is going to allow them that sense of superiority they so need to lord over you. And obviously because they feel in their own spirit they are a failure they need to lord whatever morsal they can use (whether true or not) to pierce your spirit and leave you bleeding.
And why do they think they can do this? Because you loved them and you told them you loved them and you have always put up with their lack of respect and their inconsiderations and their self centeredness. And why did you do that? Because you loved them and they knew it.
Are they capable of really loving us? No. Do they care how they leave people? No. When you finally walk away they are the victim and if you say anything about it???? Then you need psychological help and you should get it and follow up because you have problems, you need help.
This is called manipulation. As a matter of fact there probably is a moment in every time you speak with that person that he or she makes an attempt at manipulation, to either get you to do something, or feed their ego or just use you as a way to pass time, or quite possibly as an emotional and mental punching bag. And if they can't get what they want from you...they withhold their love or friendship as punishment.
This is sick behavior, very sick. But what is worse is putting up with it. What's even worse is when the individual who does this is in a position to influence people or preach from a pulpit.
Now at first you are hurt, devastated because you believe everything the person said. You thought they were "real" you thought they were "genuine". They never were. So you leave yourself wide open and you get hurt.
Heres, the thing. You think noone knows how they are, you think they are pulling the wool over everyone's eyes. They think so too. Then you find out they weren't fooling anyone, except you. It's actually like a drug addict. They think noone knows they're doing drugs. They think they're holding it together on the outside and noone has a clue what's really going on, because afterall, they didn't tell them so how would they know all the flaws?
They think if they wear nice clothes, talk the talk and put on a good show in public noone will ever know. You can put dung in a really nice bag and it's still going to stink. It is what it is.
All the right words can come out of your mouth, but what's really inside of you comes out, its all there right in front of you.
People like that never really love, they never really tell the truth, everything is a show for the moment, its a game a way to pass time and get what they want. And beware these kind come in sheeps clothing, they're talked about in the Bible alot.
Listen carefully when they talk, if you start to feel unsure of yourself or like you're just unworthy, it's not you, their conversation is tearing you down, they're not building you up or loving you, their tongue is sharp, their words don't necessarily sound wrong but their spirit is not bearing witness with your spirit, somethings wrong. Walk away.
Friday, May 17, 2013
May, 17, 2013;
Well today I saw human nature at it's lowest. Court is an interesting phenomenon, although anything that involves human behavior (which is about everything) is an interesting phenomenon. Hate is a powerful motivator for behavior, even behavior at the expense of other people's well being. Did you know that even though you conduct yourself in a particular manner, you may pretend to be nice, you may pretend to be mean, you may pretend to be a number of things, the real you always comes through.
To prove this point I would conduct my own experiments on human behavior and being able to hide the real you on the inside. I owned a child development center and I was always busy doing things, it could be anything from paperwork, teaching, cleaning, cooking or preparing activities, it really didn't matter I was always busy. I never tried to get close to a child, I never came up to them and made over them or tried to make them my friends. I would always allow the child to feel his or her way around the new environment, explore it, look at everything, say hi to the kids and just get comfortable. I would leave them alone, Iwould supervise them and make sure they were okay, but I would give them plenty of space. Time would go on and always without fail, even though I was distant many times, they knew who to come to, who to cry to, who would protect them and who would love them, always. They knew. I would even experiment with being gruff and impersonal with them to see, and they would just smile at me and go play. They knew my heart. Now they say dogs are the same way, and I'm the same way with dogs and yet those beasts will come to me.
Now, take that lesson and try to be nice, when really in your heart you are not. In your heart, you're angry, you hate people or you're hurt and lash out, or you are just plain selfish and mean. People know. You aren't hiding anything, it comes from your being, it leaks out of your pores, people know.
That brings me back to my original story I went to court and an individual was present, now I took a friend and I didn't say anything, because well, I'm always researching something. When we left, she said that one guy (and she gave a description) he's a jerk. He wants control of her. Yes he's always been a jerk and he's always wanted control. She said you could feel it. She was right, you could. And filled with hate, and told another person he didn't even want the child, he was doing it to get control for another person. Isn't that interesting how the years don't help mature some people. They just get meaner, more selfish and way more hateful. And really the only thing that would make that person happy was if he could kill the woman, her death would satisfy him. Now.......he'd never say that, whhhyyy of course not, but you can feel it, others can feel it. He didn't hide it at all.
It's like demons nashing their teeth, and clawing at a person, they want the person dead. They murmur, they glare, they roll their eyes and they grip the chairs. But inside, their nashing their teeth, their clawing at her skin, they want her dead.
The amazing part is the older they become, the more wicked and nasty their appear. Dirty, dry wrinkled skin, wrinkled clothes and a slovenly appearance. Did you ever watch the movie Death Becomes Her. The two women are dead, they drink a syrum that keeps them looking fresh and young, but when the syrum is gone, they begin to appear dead. Their skin begins to fall, their make-up looks horrible and their flesh begins to peel from their bodies. They think noone knows, they think they're hiding all of the flaws and imperfections. But they're not.
The good news is God is in control and there are many promises in the Bible that cover the righteous and their seed. I saw God move today and I saw wretched little dirty demons, but you know it's okay. I have fought many battles in my life, people that wanted me dead and gone, it never happened, and I always prospered in the end and those that caused the trouble always ended up in bad places. That's the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their children.
Always stay in faith and always keep your hope in God, always. Things don't always turn out in the beginning the way you want, they turn out waaayyy better.
Well today I saw human nature at it's lowest. Court is an interesting phenomenon, although anything that involves human behavior (which is about everything) is an interesting phenomenon. Hate is a powerful motivator for behavior, even behavior at the expense of other people's well being. Did you know that even though you conduct yourself in a particular manner, you may pretend to be nice, you may pretend to be mean, you may pretend to be a number of things, the real you always comes through.
To prove this point I would conduct my own experiments on human behavior and being able to hide the real you on the inside. I owned a child development center and I was always busy doing things, it could be anything from paperwork, teaching, cleaning, cooking or preparing activities, it really didn't matter I was always busy. I never tried to get close to a child, I never came up to them and made over them or tried to make them my friends. I would always allow the child to feel his or her way around the new environment, explore it, look at everything, say hi to the kids and just get comfortable. I would leave them alone, Iwould supervise them and make sure they were okay, but I would give them plenty of space. Time would go on and always without fail, even though I was distant many times, they knew who to come to, who to cry to, who would protect them and who would love them, always. They knew. I would even experiment with being gruff and impersonal with them to see, and they would just smile at me and go play. They knew my heart. Now they say dogs are the same way, and I'm the same way with dogs and yet those beasts will come to me.
Now, take that lesson and try to be nice, when really in your heart you are not. In your heart, you're angry, you hate people or you're hurt and lash out, or you are just plain selfish and mean. People know. You aren't hiding anything, it comes from your being, it leaks out of your pores, people know.
That brings me back to my original story I went to court and an individual was present, now I took a friend and I didn't say anything, because well, I'm always researching something. When we left, she said that one guy (and she gave a description) he's a jerk. He wants control of her. Yes he's always been a jerk and he's always wanted control. She said you could feel it. She was right, you could. And filled with hate, and told another person he didn't even want the child, he was doing it to get control for another person. Isn't that interesting how the years don't help mature some people. They just get meaner, more selfish and way more hateful. And really the only thing that would make that person happy was if he could kill the woman, her death would satisfy him. Now.......he'd never say that, whhhyyy of course not, but you can feel it, others can feel it. He didn't hide it at all.
It's like demons nashing their teeth, and clawing at a person, they want the person dead. They murmur, they glare, they roll their eyes and they grip the chairs. But inside, their nashing their teeth, their clawing at her skin, they want her dead.
The amazing part is the older they become, the more wicked and nasty their appear. Dirty, dry wrinkled skin, wrinkled clothes and a slovenly appearance. Did you ever watch the movie Death Becomes Her. The two women are dead, they drink a syrum that keeps them looking fresh and young, but when the syrum is gone, they begin to appear dead. Their skin begins to fall, their make-up looks horrible and their flesh begins to peel from their bodies. They think noone knows, they think they're hiding all of the flaws and imperfections. But they're not.
The good news is God is in control and there are many promises in the Bible that cover the righteous and their seed. I saw God move today and I saw wretched little dirty demons, but you know it's okay. I have fought many battles in my life, people that wanted me dead and gone, it never happened, and I always prospered in the end and those that caused the trouble always ended up in bad places. That's the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their children.
Always stay in faith and always keep your hope in God, always. Things don't always turn out in the beginning the way you want, they turn out waaayyy better.
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